Dr. Harville Hendrix is an international expert in the field of human intimacy and human relationships, and is dedicated to teaching individuals what love is in both feeling and action. Today, he talks about the crucial steps in a relationship before love can even enter the picture, and the interesting way our unconscious minds match us with our partners.

He and his wife Helen authored the best-seller Getting the Love You Want, and draw from over 40 years of working with couples to get to the root of how we can be curious instead of judgemental and find ourselves through our relationships. Lastly, they talk about Imago, their work in education and their work helping couples understand each other even in the most painful of circumstances.

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:54] Even before love happens in a relationship, there must be a differentiation process where we become aware that our partner is not a figment of our imagination here on this earth to love us in exactly the manners we think are best. Until that process occurs, real love cannot yet be born.

[5:07] The highest divorce rate is year 7.

[5:54] During courtship and early stages of marriage, partners have a tendency to conform to the “perfect person” for their partner.

[6:52] Polar energy is needed for interest, and if we end up marrying the exact same type of person as us, that will lead to a couple feeling disinterested, not challenged and eventually disengaged.

[8:52] We tend to unconsciously seek out our partners for the same needs we are looking to find in our caretakers. Caretakers may be neglectful or intrusive, and this absence occurs both in single family homes and intact homes.

[10:10] It’s typically about 2 years in to a relationship when we see real differences start to come out, the fantasy is unmasked and the partner is left triggered, confused, and anxious. This need for the symbiotic relationship to be back may often lead to compensatory behaviors.

[13:01] If we become curious instead of reactive, that will lead us to really understand our partner, and see both them and ourselves clearly.

[16:31] It is a huge loss when couples see the illusion, and walk away from an opportunity.

[18:31] 20 out of 50 states have mandatory sexual education in schools, and of the 20 states, 12 require parental consent.

[20:17] Dr. Hendrix recounts a story about a couple he met that was from an arranged marriage, and he found they had similar expectations and challenges than a couple that met organically.

[24:41] Context is just as important as the self, and what gives birth to the individual.

[26:39] Imago Relationship Therapy has been in the culture for 30 years, and is a three step dialog process to help people connect, talk and listen.

[32:40] Talking can be the the most dangerous thing people do. Dr. Hendrix is concerned with strengthening the health, safety and dialogue of a couple when he is working with them.

[35:06] Learning better relationship and conversational skills is something that can benefit people both in personal and professional relationships.

RESOURCES

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men

Getting the Love You Want

Harville & Helen

Five Stages of Grief

Safe Conversations Leadership Training

Imago

Imago Training

Relationships First

QUOTES:

“Love has to be love of the real, rather than love of the fantasy.”

“There is a collusion to become symbiotic with each other.”

“Instead of judgement and criticism, we can shift to curiosity.”

“When the energy dies and the love dies, now is the time for growth to begin.”

“If you do not feel safe with your partner, you can not connect with your partner.”