Loving BDSM

Hosted by Kayla Lords and John Brownstone, episode 58 of the Loving BDSM podcast focuses on discipline, punishment, and consequences for submissives in D/s relationships.

In this episode:

* Buy my books and help send me to Eroticon!

* Two sides of discipline: the discipline to do what you’re told as a submissive and being disciplined when you don’t do what you’re told.

* Funishment is a playful type of “punishment.” Use it or don’t, but don’t let it take the place of simply asking for what you want.

* Punishments are meant to suck for the submissive. It should be something that deters future bad behavior.

* As a submissive, the first real test of your submission is the first time you’re told No.

* Punishments should be negotiated during the beginning of a relationship. They should not be sprung on a submissive as a surprise. 

* Submissives must consent to a punishment. If you feel the need to withdraw your consent prior to punishment, there may underlying issues that need to be dealt with.

* Punishment and consequence aren’t quite the same thing. Punishment is the act. Consequence is the outcome, and isn’t always an act of punishment.

* After a punishment, the incident is over. Ongoing punishment or anger is not okay or healthy for a relationship. Deal with the issue and your feelings around the incident and move on.

* Punishment should not be given in anger. Dominants need to admit their feelings and then wait until you’re calm enough to punish.

* Dominants have to follow through. If you say that there will be a punishment for certain behaviors, you must follow through.

Links from the show:

Buy Kayla’s Books!

The Responsibilities of a Dominant and a Submissive (podcast episode)

Training a Submissive in a D/s Relationship (podcast episode)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone host episode 57 and tackle a topic that doesn’t get much attention – how exactly does a submissive hold their Dominant accountable for their bad behavior?

In this episode:

Spanking and educational kinky videos coming soon to Patreon. Become a kinky patron now!

My harsh feelings, “If your Dom won’t do what they say they will, you may need to walk away.” Yes, that’s much easier said than done.

Submissives have to communicate with their Doms in to hold them accountable.

A Dominant should be willing to listen and take in what their submissive tells them.

The Dominant who refuses to listen, change, or care is a problem and a potential danger to their submissive.

Beware of a Dominant with a strong sense of entitlement with little sense of responsibility

There is a difference between pushing boundaries and being out of control

Accountability comes down to communication and integrity

If you need help communicating and accountability, a counselor or mediator may help.

A good Dominant holds themselves more accountable than anyone else. They are very hard on themselves, especially when they make mistakes.

Mistakes happen. A Dominant who accepts that and works to correct the problems is behaving the way they should. The Dominant who refuses to admit to their mistakes isn’t holding themselves accountable.

Bonus section! John Brownstone semi-rants but definitely speaks from the heart. I, however, tell weird factoids about our sex life you never wants to know.

Links from the show:

Kink-Aware Professionals 

Send Kayla to Eroticon in London!

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone host episode 57 and tackle a topic that doesn’t get much attention – how exactly does a submissive hold their Dominant accountable for their bad behavior?

In this episode:

Spanking and educational kinky videos coming soon to Patreon. Become a kinky patron now!

My harsh feelings, “If your Dom won’t do what they say they will, you may need to walk away.” Yes, that’s much easier said than done.

Submissives have to communicate with their Doms in to hold them accountable.

A Dominant should be willing to listen and take in what their submissive tells them.

The Dominant who refuses to listen, change, or care is a problem and a potential danger to their submissive.

Beware of a Dominant with a strong sense of entitlement with little sense of responsibility

There is a difference between pushing boundaries and being out of control

Accountability comes down to communication and integrity

If you need help communicating and accountability, a counselor or mediator may help.

A good Dominant holds themselves more accountable than anyone else. They are very hard on themselves, especially when they make mistakes.

Mistakes happen. A Dominant who accepts that and works to correct the problems is behaving the way they should. The Dominant who refuses to admit to their mistakes isn’t holding themselves accountable.

Bonus section! John Brownstone semi-rants but definitely speaks from the heart. I, however, tell weird factoids about our sex life you never wants to know.

Links from the show:

Kink-Aware Professionals 

Send Kayla to Eroticon in London!

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords hosts episode 56 and talks about labels, how they can help you figure yourself out, using them to find a community, and rejecting labels for different reasons.

In this episode:

* You can buy wooden paddles aka weapons of ass destruction made by John Brownstone!

* A listener asked about labels and how to figure out what kind of kinkster she might be.

* I’ve written about labels before for Kinkly, and people definitely have their own opinions about them.

* You can take a (not-at-all scientific) online test to learn more about your kinky desires.

* I’ve taken it and it seemed accurate. Don’t take the results as absolute fact, but use them to explore parts of your kinky nature you might not have been aware of.

* Labels are good for learning about kink and finding like-minded people, but everyone has their own definition of what a “type” of kinkster is: Master vs Dominant, slave vs submissive, littles, kittens, etc.

* Feel free to use as many labels as you want to describe yourself. I’m a submissive, babygirl, masochist, and whatever the hell else I want to be later.

* While using specific labels to find like-minded kinksters is one way to find your community, don’t reject other types of kinksters because they don’t fall into your category or group. We all have something to learn from one another, no matter how we experience D/s.

* Some people are very rigid about what a label means or how people who classify themselves should act. Watch out for that.

* You can reject a label or the use of labels if that feels right for you.

* I even ramble for a few minutes in the bonus section.

Links from the show:

Wooden Paddles by John Brownstone

BDSM Test

What Kind of Submissive are You? – Article discussing labels

Kinkly’s Sex Dictionary – good for looking up what labels mean

Watts the Safeword – YouTube Channel

My Kink Relationship – Great video by Watts the Safeword

Send Kayla to Eroticon in London!

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Kayla Lords hosts episode 56 and talks about labels, how they can help you figure yourself out, using them to find a community, and rejecting labels for different reasons.

In this episode:

* You can buy wooden paddles aka weapons of ass destruction made by John Brownstone!

* A listener asked about labels and how to figure out what kind of kinkster she might be.

* I’ve written about labels before for Kinkly, and people definitely have their own opinions about them.

* You can take a (not-at-all scientific) online test to learn more about your kinky desires.

* I’ve taken it and it seemed accurate. Don’t take the results as absolute fact, but use them to explore parts of your kinky nature you might not have been aware of.

* Labels are good for learning about kink and finding like-minded people, but everyone has their own definition of what a “type” of kinkster is: Master vs Dominant, slave vs submissive, littles, kittens, etc.

* Feel free to use as many labels as you want to describe yourself. I’m a submissive, babygirl, masochist, and whatever the hell else I want to be later.

* While using specific labels to find like-minded kinksters is one way to find your community, don’t reject other types of kinksters because they don’t fall into your category or group. We all have something to learn from one another, no matter how we experience D/s.

* Some people are very rigid about what a label means or how people who classify themselves should act. Watch out for that.

* You can reject a label or the use of labels if that feels right for you.

* I even ramble for a few minutes in the bonus section.

Links from the show:

Wooden Paddles by John Brownstone

BDSM Test

What Kind of Submissive are You? – Article discussing labels

Kinkly’s Sex Dictionary – good for looking up what labels mean

Watts the Safeword – YouTube Channel

My Kink Relationship – Great video by Watts the Safeword

Send Kayla to Eroticon in London!

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone host episode 55 and talk about how expectations, wants, and needs in your D/s relationship can change over time – and what to do when that happens. And they clear up what all that “edging” was about at the end of episode 54.

In this episode:

* Save 72 percent off the Double Entendre Box from Unbounce (September 2016 only)

* I asked for a change in something John Brownstone said was a “must have” of us, and he agreed to consider it.

* Over time, what you want, need, and expect in your D/s relationship can and will change.

* Changes happen for a lot of reasons. We change because the reality vs. the fantasy is never the same. We change because we mature. We change because of health issues.

* The important thing is to communicate your desire or need for that change with your partner.

* If your partner asks for something you’re not comfortable doing, you can look for options outside of your relationship.

* If your partner says “No” to the change you’re asking for, you’ll have to decide if it’s something you can live without or not. There are no easy answers.

* Communication is always the starting point. Understanding, compromise, and sometimes trust are needed to deal with the changes.

* Bonus section: An idea occurred to me during this portion, and I reeeeeeeeally need your feedback.

Links from the show:

Unbound (affiliate link)

Send Kayla to Eroticon in London!

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone host episode 55 and talk about how expectations, wants, and needs in your D/s relationship can change over time – and what to do when that happens. And they clear up what all that “edging” was about at the end of episode 54.

In this episode:

* Save 72 percent off the Double Entendre Box from Unbounce (September 2016 only)

* I asked for a change in something John Brownstone said was a “must have” of us, and he agreed to consider it.

* Over time, what you want, need, and expect in your D/s relationship can and will change.

* Changes happen for a lot of reasons. We change because the reality vs. the fantasy is never the same. We change because we mature. We change because of health issues.

* The important thing is to communicate your desire or need for that change with your partner.

* If your partner asks for something you’re not comfortable doing, you can look for options outside of your relationship.

* If your partner says “No” to the change you’re asking for, you’ll have to decide if it’s something you can live without or not. There are no easy answers.

* Communication is always the starting point. Understanding, compromise, and sometimes trust are needed to deal with the changes.

* Bonus section: An idea occurred to me during this portion, and I reeeeeeeeally need your feedback.

Links from the show:

Unbound (affiliate link)

Send Kayla to Eroticon in London!

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone are back for episode 54 of the Loving BDSM podcast. This week’s topic is about D/s breakups and how to (hopefully) make them suck a little less.

In this episode:

* Want to spice up your sex life with fun-filled box of surprises? Check out Unbound!

Breakups happen for any number of reason: incompatible, cheating, violating consent, being unsafe, just not liking the other anymore.

In a perfect world, it would be a mutual, but probably still painful, decision, but it rarely happens that way.

If you’re unhappy in your relationship or don’t want to be that person’s Dom or sub anymore, it’s better to break it off (nicely and gently) than to let it linger or, worse, abandon the other person. Abandonment happens to Doms and subs.

Breaking up with your kinky partner: be honest, don’t go silent, just freaking say it, and if you’re capable/willing, be there for them for a certain amount of time after the breakup.

Being dumped: Cry, scream, drink a lot of wine, fuck a random person (consensually and with protection, y’all) but let yourself grieve in whatever way you need to.

Don’t stalk them, constantly message them, beg them to come back. This only prolongs the agony.

Breakups are the death of a relationship. Both sides are allowed to grieve in their own way. It takes as long as it’s going to take for you to get over it.

There are lessons to be learned in every failed relationship. Don’t be afraid to look back and see what you missed when you were in the middle of it.

When you’re in a toxic or unsafe relationship, the “rules” of a good breakup don’t apply. Do whatever you have to do to remove yourself from the situation and stay safe.

Links from the show:

Unbound (affiliate link)

Shattered (my breakup blog post)

You Will Survive the Pain of Heartbreak

Send Kayla to Eroticon in London!

 

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone are back for episode 54 of the Loving BDSM podcast. This week’s topic is about D/s breakups and how to (hopefully) make them suck a little less.

In this episode:

* Want to spice up your sex life with fun-filled box of surprises? Check out Unbound!

Breakups happen for any number of reason: incompatible, cheating, violating consent, being unsafe, just not liking the other anymore.

In a perfect world, it would be a mutual, but probably still painful, decision, but it rarely happens that way.

If you’re unhappy in your relationship or don’t want to be that person’s Dom or sub anymore, it’s better to break it off (nicely and gently) than to let it linger or, worse, abandon the other person. Abandonment happens to Doms and subs.

Breaking up with your kinky partner: be honest, don’t go silent, just freaking say it, and if you’re capable/willing, be there for them for a certain amount of time after the breakup.

Being dumped: Cry, scream, drink a lot of wine, fuck a random person (consensually and with protection, y’all) but let yourself grieve in whatever way you need to.

Don’t stalk them, constantly message them, beg them to come back. This only prolongs the agony.

Breakups are the death of a relationship. Both sides are allowed to grieve in their own way. It takes as long as it’s going to take for you to get over it.

There are lessons to be learned in every failed relationship. Don’t be afraid to look back and see what you missed when you were in the middle of it.

When you’re in a toxic or unsafe relationship, the “rules” of a good breakup don’t apply. Do whatever you have to do to remove yourself from the situation and stay safe.

Links from the show:

Unbound (affiliate link)

Shattered (my breakup blog post)

You Will Survive the Pain of Heartbreak

Send Kayla to Eroticon in London!

 

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

John Brownstone joins Kayla Lords in episode 53 of the Loving BDSM podcast. This week they’ve taken a topic suggestion from a reader who wanted to know how to figure out when to safeword and when to allow their boundaries to be pushed.

In this episode:

* Looking for a vibrator to rip the orgasms from your submissive? Check out Good Vibes. They carry our personal favorite – the Original Magic Wand.

* Congratulations to the one year anniversary giveaway winner – Jen V.!

* This week’s episode comes from a listener who had specific (and good!) questions about figuring out when to safeword and when to allow your boundaries to be pushed.

* Safeword basics – what are they, how they work, and using gestures when words can’t be spoken.

* When should you use one – anytime you think it’s necessary because something doesn’t feel right: bad pain, fear, panic, an emotional reaction you didn’t expect, anything can be cause for a safeword.

* When a safeword is used, all play stops. Aftercare should be given. As soon as you’re able to, talk about why the safeword was used.

* Dominants should not rely only on a safeword, especially when you’re new to your D/s relationship. Watch body language. Check in and ask. The red-yellow-green system works well for this. Red means stop, yellow is slow down, and green means keep going.

* Safewords are to be used by a submissive whenever they feel its necessary but that comes with responsibility. If you intend to use (or have used) your safeword to get out of punishment or to get out of pre-negotiated task or responsibility, you need to talk to your Dominant about why you don’t want to do it. Relying on your safeword to get out of things you simply don’t like isn’t a healthy way to handle issues in D/s.

* Deciding whether a boundary is being pushed or you’re playing in an unsafe manner is a personal decision. Learn to listen to and trust your intuition, and when something doesn’t feel right, use your safeword – even if you can’t immediately explain why.

* BDSM and kink are fringe things and very emotional and mental. All kinds of old memories, issues, and fears can be triggered when you play. If this happens, use your safeword.

* If you continually use your safeword in every single play situation, you may set up a “crying wolf” scenario. Always use it if you need to, but talk to your partner about why you continually use it. Are fears being triggered? Do you really not enjoy that kind of play? You must communicate with one another.

* In our opinion (and others may disagree), the goal of your kinky play shouldn’t be to get to the safeword. The safeword means that you’re in a danger zone and something is wrong. Yes, boundaries should be pushed, and going until you can’t take anymore can be fun – but it can also be dangerous. To the Dominants, remember, don’t break your toys.

* Should Dominants have a safeword too? Not in our opinion because a Dominant is in control of the scene and the relationship. If something is bothering them, they can (and should!) stop when they need to but a safeword isn’t usually necessary for that. Only you can decide if you need one in your relationship.

* BONUS: After the “keep it kinky” sign off, we hung around and chatted about life, stuff going on, and random thoughts for a few minutes. If you’re interested, stick around for that part.

Links from the show:

The Original Magic Wand on Good Vibes (affiliate link)

Become a patron on Patreo...