Loving BDSM

John Brownstone joins Kayla Lords in episode 53 of the Loving BDSM podcast. This week they’ve taken a topic suggestion from a reader who wanted to know how to figure out when to safeword and when to allow their boundaries to be pushed.

In this episode:

* Looking for a vibrator to rip the orgasms from your submissive? Check out Good Vibes. They carry our personal favorite – the Original Magic Wand.

* Congratulations to the one year anniversary giveaway winner – Jen V.!

* This week’s episode comes from a listener who had specific (and good!) questions about figuring out when to safeword and when to allow your boundaries to be pushed.

* Safeword basics – what are they, how they work, and using gestures when words can’t be spoken.

* When should you use one – anytime you think it’s necessary because something doesn’t feel right: bad pain, fear, panic, an emotional reaction you didn’t expect, anything can be cause for a safeword.

* When a safeword is used, all play stops. Aftercare should be given. As soon as you’re able to, talk about why the safeword was used.

* Dominants should not rely only on a safeword, especially when you’re new to your D/s relationship. Watch body language. Check in and ask. The red-yellow-green system works well for this. Red means stop, yellow is slow down, and green means keep going.

* Safewords are to be used by a submissive whenever they feel its necessary but that comes with responsibility. If you intend to use (or have used) your safeword to get out of punishment or to get out of pre-negotiated task or responsibility, you need to talk to your Dominant about why you don’t want to do it. Relying on your safeword to get out of things you simply don’t like isn’t a healthy way to handle issues in D/s.

* Deciding whether a boundary is being pushed or you’re playing in an unsafe manner is a personal decision. Learn to listen to and trust your intuition, and when something doesn’t feel right, use your safeword – even if you can’t immediately explain why.

* BDSM and kink are fringe things and very emotional and mental. All kinds of old memories, issues, and fears can be triggered when you play. If this happens, use your safeword.

* If you continually use your safeword in every single play situation, you may set up a “crying wolf” scenario. Always use it if you need to, but talk to your partner about why you continually use it. Are fears being triggered? Do you really not enjoy that kind of play? You must communicate with one another.

* In our opinion (and others may disagree), the goal of your kinky play shouldn’t be to get to the safeword. The safeword means that you’re in a danger zone and something is wrong. Yes, boundaries should be pushed, and going until you can’t take anymore can be fun – but it can also be dangerous. To the Dominants, remember, don’t break your toys.

* Should Dominants have a safeword too? Not in our opinion because a Dominant is in control of the scene and the relationship. If something is bothering them, they can (and should!) stop when they need to but a safeword isn’t usually necessary for that. Only you can decide if you need one in your relationship.

* BONUS: After the “keep it kinky” sign off, we hung around and chatted about life, stuff going on, and random thoughts for a few minutes. If you’re interested, stick around for that part.

Links from the show:

The Original Magic Wand on Good Vibes (affiliate link)

Become a patron on Patreo...

Kayla Lords hosts episode 52 of the Loving BDSM podcast and discusses low self esteem, trust issues, fear of being alone, and mental health issues and why none of these things should make you think you don’t deserve a healthy, fulfilling D/s relationship.

In this episode:

* At the time the show was recorded, the giveaway wasn’t over, but now it is. A winner will be chosen (at random) and announced (with their permission) soon.

* I’m back with my hand out asking for the “h” word I hate – help. With your support, I can go to Eroticon in London next March.

* Three visits with my therapist later and I have a few answers about my own mental gunk: avoidant personality, compulsive personality, a little OCD, a little anxiety, a little manic, and a little depressed. Translation: a hot mess.

* An email from a submissive listener about her trust issues reminded me of an article I wrote about submission and self-esteem.

* You don’t have to love yourself completely and perfectly to deserve love. You don’t have to be rid of all your “issues” or have perfect mental health to find love.

* You do have to recognize any mistakes you might be making that lead to the same bad relationships over and over again: fear of being alone, allowing partners to treat you badly because you don’t feel you deserve better, etc.

* Doms, subs, switches, kinksters, and vanilla, we all deserve long-term, loving relationships if that’s what we want.

* I’m dealing with my mental health issues now that I’m in a D/s relationship, and no one would ever say I don’t deserve John Brownstone because of those problems. Why would we tell ourselves we don’t deserve someone before we find them?

* No answers in this show, but a lot of thoughts. Feel free to reach out with your own thoughts on the topic.

Links from the show:

You Can Be a Good Submissive Even With Low Self Esteem

Kayla’s Erotic Books – buy a book, help me get to Eroticon

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords hosts episode 52 of the Loving BDSM podcast and discusses low self esteem, trust issues, fear of being alone, and mental health issues and why none of these things should make you think you don’t deserve a healthy, fulfilling D/s relationship.

In this episode:

* At the time the show was recorded, the giveaway wasn’t over, but now it is. A winner will be chosen (at random) and announced (with their permission) soon.

* I’m back with my hand out asking for the “h” word I hate – help. With your support, I can go to Eroticon in London next March.

* Three visits with my therapist later and I have a few answers about my own mental gunk: avoidant personality, compulsive personality, a little OCD, a little anxiety, a little manic, and a little depressed. Translation: a hot mess.

* An email from a submissive listener about her trust issues reminded me of an article I wrote about submission and self-esteem.

* You don’t have to love yourself completely and perfectly to deserve love. You don’t have to be rid of all your “issues” or have perfect mental health to find love.

* You do have to recognize any mistakes you might be making that lead to the same bad relationships over and over again: fear of being alone, allowing partners to treat you badly because you don’t feel you deserve better, etc.

* Doms, subs, switches, kinksters, and vanilla, we all deserve long-term, loving relationships if that’s what we want.

* I’m dealing with my mental health issues now that I’m in a D/s relationship, and no one would ever say I don’t deserve John Brownstone because of those problems. Why would we tell ourselves we don’t deserve someone before we find them?

* No answers in this show, but a lot of thoughts. Feel free to reach out with your own thoughts on the topic.

Links from the show:

You Can Be a Good Submissive Even With Low Self Esteem

Kayla’s Erotic Books – buy a book, help me get to Eroticon

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone host episode 51 also known as the one year anniversary of the Loving BDSM podcast! This week, in keeping with the one year anniversary theme, they discuss reviewing your relationship on a regular basis – weekly, monthly, and even yearly.

In this episode:

* Make sure you enter to win the anniversary giveaway! You have until 12am on September 2, 2016 to enter. Prizes will be from My Nawashi, Twisted Skrews, Cane-iac, and both of us.

* Thank you to everyone who listens, comments, tweets, messages, and friends us. We couldn’t do this show without all of you.

* A regular review of a D/s relationship is necessary to make sure everyone is happy, needs are being met, and that there are no problems.

* We are constantly reviewing our relationship by simply talking about problems, concerns, or ideas we have.

* You can set a formal time to do this – once a day, week, month, etc. – or be more casual about it.

* Submissives need to be willing to admit when they’re having a problem with something.

* Dominants need to be willing to listen and take in the information. Changing a task, modifying a rule, or eliminating something may be in order.

* Submissives shouldn’t automatically expect to get a rule or task they don’t like changed.

* If you have problems saying what’s on your mind, write it down. This goes for Dominants, too.

* Both of you need to be flexible (to a certain degree) because life will get in the way. This is where good communication comes in handy.

* Tasks and rules are meant to change over time, especially anything that’s meant to enhance or improve a submissive. Once the rule or task isn’t needed anymore, you can move onto other things you both want to work on in your relationship.

* When creating your first list of tasks or rules in your relationship, realize that what you try might not always work out – another reason to be flexible.

* In reviewing our relationship from the past year, we’ve worked on my need for self-improvement: exercise, healthy eating, and mental health. Not a lot of rules or tasks have changed over the past year although we modified one task – instead of kneeling on the floor, I kneel on the bed now.

* When you have a review of your relationship, it’s okay if you don’t need to change a lot. Sometimes a review is a quick check-in to make sure everything is okay. If it is, keep moving forward.

* Dominants are known for being patient – if you don’t feel like you’re a patient Dom, start working on it. The relationship you envision won’t happen over night. It can take a long time to get your submissive into a routine with tasks and rules that works well for both of you.

* Bonus tip: For those who have problems communicating – and who are often misunderstood when you write it in text or email – practice what you want to say in the car, shower, or wherever you’re alone. Sure, you’ll be talking to yourself, but you’ll be better prepared for your big conversation – no matter what it’s about.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Links from the show:

Being Physically Fit for Kink (podcast)

My Nawashi

Twisted Skrews

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone host episode 51 also known as the one year anniversary of the Loving BDSM podcast! This week, in keeping with the one year anniversary theme, they discuss reviewing your relationship on a regular basis – weekly, monthly, and even yearly.

In this episode:

* Make sure you enter to win the anniversary giveaway! You have until 12am on September 2, 2016 to enter. Prizes will be from My Nawashi, Twisted Skrews, Cane-iac, and both of us.

* Thank you to everyone who listens, comments, tweets, messages, and friends us. We couldn’t do this show without all of you.

* A regular review of a D/s relationship is necessary to make sure everyone is happy, needs are being met, and that there are no problems.

* We are constantly reviewing our relationship by simply talking about problems, concerns, or ideas we have.

* You can set a formal time to do this – once a day, week, month, etc. – or be more casual about it.

* Submissives need to be willing to admit when they’re having a problem with something.

* Dominants need to be willing to listen and take in the information. Changing a task, modifying a rule, or eliminating something may be in order.

* Submissives shouldn’t automatically expect to get a rule or task they don’t like changed.

* If you have problems saying what’s on your mind, write it down. This goes for Dominants, too.

* Both of you need to be flexible (to a certain degree) because life will get in the way. This is where good communication comes in handy.

* Tasks and rules are meant to change over time, especially anything that’s meant to enhance or improve a submissive. Once the rule or task isn’t needed anymore, you can move onto other things you both want to work on in your relationship.

* When creating your first list of tasks or rules in your relationship, realize that what you try might not always work out – another reason to be flexible.

* In reviewing our relationship from the past year, we’ve worked on my need for self-improvement: exercise, healthy eating, and mental health. Not a lot of rules or tasks have changed over the past year although we modified one task – instead of kneeling on the floor, I kneel on the bed now.

* When you have a review of your relationship, it’s okay if you don’t need to change a lot. Sometimes a review is a quick check-in to make sure everything is okay. If it is, keep moving forward.

* Dominants are known for being patient – if you don’t feel like you’re a patient Dom, start working on it. The relationship you envision won’t happen over night. It can take a long time to get your submissive into a routine with tasks and rules that works well for both of you.

* Bonus tip: For those who have problems communicating – and who are often misunderstood when you write it in text or email – practice what you want to say in the car, shower, or wherever you’re alone. Sure, you’ll be talking to yourself, but you’ll be better prepared for your big conversation – no matter what it’s about.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Links from the show:

Being Physically Fit for Kink (podcast)

My Nawashi

Twisted Skrews

John Brownstone joins Kayla Lords in episode 50 to discuss a popular idea in most local kink communities – a submissive’s behavior is a reflection of their Dominant.

In this episode:

* The Loving BDSM One Year Giveaway is next week! Prizes will be from My Nawashi, Twisted Skrewz, Cane-iac, and both of us.

* The idea of submissives being a reflection of their Dominant didn’t sit well with me when I first heard it but after a little time spent in my local community, I understand it and agree with it.

* Bad behavior from a submissive is thought to be a lack of control or discipline by a Dominant.

* Certain behavior that’s okay in private isn’t always okay in public – even when you’re with other kinksters.

* When in doubt, be respectful and ask what the protocol is, if you’re unsure how to behave.

* When a submissive is well-behaved, both of you earn respect in your local lifestyle.

* Respect is important for building trust with other kinksters and being known (in a good way) within your local community.

* As a submissive, I want to behave in public for two reasons: 1) I don’t want to get in trouble and 2) I don’t want anyone to think less of John Brownstone for my actions.

Links from the show:

Training a Submissive in a D/s Relationship (podcast episode)

My Nawashi

Twisted Skrewz

Cane-iac.com

 

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

John Brownstone joins Kayla Lords in episode 50 to discuss a popular idea in most local kink communities – a submissive’s behavior is a reflection of their Dominant.

In this episode:

* The Loving BDSM One Year Giveaway is next week! Prizes will be from My Nawashi, Twisted Skrewz, Cane-iac, and both of us.

* The idea of submissives being a reflection of their Dominant didn’t sit well with me when I first heard it but after a little time spent in my local community, I understand it and agree with it.

* Bad behavior from a submissive is thought to be a lack of control or discipline by a Dominant.

* Certain behavior that’s okay in private isn’t always okay in public – even when you’re with other kinksters.

* When in doubt, be respectful and ask what the protocol is, if you’re unsure how to behave.

* When a submissive is well-behaved, both of you earn respect in your local lifestyle.

* Respect is important for building trust with other kinksters and being known (in a good way) within your local community.

* As a submissive, I want to behave in public for two reasons: 1) I don’t want to get in trouble and 2) I don’t want anyone to think less of John Brownstone for my actions.

Links from the show:

Training a Submissive in a D/s Relationship (podcast episode)

My Nawashi

Twisted Skrewz

Cane-iac.com

 

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords hosts episode 49 and discusses why dominants should express their emotions – good and bad, but especially the bad – and why it’s important to a long-term loving D/s relationship.

In this episode:

This week’s show is based on an email from a submissive friend who saw something on Fetlife from a Dominant who needed their submissive to “be there” for him during a rough time – and worried that it made him less Dominant.

We’ve talked about why submissives don’t always let our Dominants take care of us. Now it’s time to talk about being there for our Dominants more than what most people think of as the traditional D/s power exchange.

Many Dominants think they always have to be strong and in control. But life happens.

It’s okay for Dominants to show their emotions. It requires trust in the relationship and a certain amount of faith that their submissive won’t respond negatively.

Trust is built through communication and honesty and over time.

Submissives take care of Dominants in many ways. When they’re stressed or sad or worried is just another one of those ways. Dominants take care of us, so now it’s our turn.

Showing your emotions or needing extra care doesn’t make you weak.

Submissives, you can’t force your Dominant to share their emotions but you can let them know you’re open and willing to listen. It’s important not to be judgmental.

If a submissive is strong enough to handle the power exchange and giving up control, they’re certainly powerful enough to handle emotions from their Dominant.

Links from the show:

Why Do Subs Have a Hard Time Accepting Help From Our Doms? (podcast episode)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords hosts episode 49 and discusses why dominants should express their emotions – good and bad, but especially the bad – and why it’s important to a long-term loving D/s relationship.

In this episode:

This week’s show is based on an email from a submissive friend who saw something on Fetlife from a Dominant who needed their submissive to “be there” for him during a rough time – and worried that it made him less Dominant.

We’ve talked about why submissives don’t always let our Dominants take care of us. Now it’s time to talk about being there for our Dominants more than what most people think of as the traditional D/s power exchange.

Many Dominants think they always have to be strong and in control. But life happens.

It’s okay for Dominants to show their emotions. It requires trust in the relationship and a certain amount of faith that their submissive won’t respond negatively.

Trust is built through communication and honesty and over time.

Submissives take care of Dominants in many ways. When they’re stressed or sad or worried is just another one of those ways. Dominants take care of us, so now it’s our turn.

Showing your emotions or needing extra care doesn’t make you weak.

Submissives, you can’t force your Dominant to share their emotions but you can let them know you’re open and willing to listen. It’s important not to be judgmental.

If a submissive is strong enough to handle the power exchange and giving up control, they’re certainly powerful enough to handle emotions from their Dominant.

Links from the show:

Why Do Subs Have a Hard Time Accepting Help From Our Doms? (podcast episode)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

John Brownstone joins Kayla Lords in episode 48 to talk about training in a D/s relationship.

In this episode:

* We’re planning for the one year anniversary of the podcast at the end of August with a giveaway of kinky fuckery from our favorite kinky shops. More details coming soon!

* After the show on responsibilities, a friend said she might not be submissive because she’s so bad at being responsible. The answer to this is training.

* Training is highly personal and unique to each D/s relationship.

* The responsibility for training and guiding a submissive to help create the D/s relationship you both want lies mainly with the Dominant. Submissives have to be willing to participate, though.

* Submissives don’t have to be – and shouldn’t be expected to be – perfect during training. The willingness to try is most important.

* Dominants need to be consistent.

* Dominants should communicate their needs and expectations clearly and in detail.

* Submissives should be free to ask questions if there’s confusion or a concern.

* Dominants should create consequences for misbehavior and missteps. Communicate those clearly so a submissive knows what to expect.

* Appreciation and gratitude are powerful tools for training and can be more effective than harsh punishment or consequences.

* Training never stops, and tasks can and should be adjusted as a relationship grows and changes over time.

* Because you’re both learning about each other, in a D/s relationship, you’re both being trained but in different ways.

* Take your training slow. Don’t throw a list of a dozen or more rules and tasks at a submissive and expect them to get it all right immediately.

* Dominants who are new and unsure of how to proceed or where to begin with training should reach out to other Dominants you respect in the local community for guidance.

Links from the show:

The Responsibilities of a Dominant and a Submissive (podcast episode)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!