Loving BDSM

Kayla Lords hosts episode 43 and answers a listener’s question: what are the rules for being a submissive?

In this episode:

* Kinky patrons are always welcome. Support the podcast through Patreon!

* The sarcastic answer to the rules question is: whatever your Dominant says. The less sarcastic answer is: whatever you and your partner agree to.

* In reality, the “rules” of being a good submissive are not that different from the rules of being a good human – with a kinky twist of course.

* Be honest.

* Communicate.

* Show respect.

* Have integrity.

* Look for the good Dominants.

* Be yourself.

* Educate yourself.

* Understand safety.

* Never forget about consent.

* If you have any other rules you’d recommend, share in the comments below or email them!

Links from the show:

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Full Transcript

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 43. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here! This week I’m answering a question I recently received – what are the rules for being a submissive. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.

Real quick reminder: for those who love this podcast and want to help keep it running or just show their appreciation, I am always looking for kinky patrons over on Patreon – www dot patreon dot com slash Kayla Lords will get you there. As many of you know, you wouldn’t be listening to this podcast without help from my kinky patrons that allowed us to get a professional quality microphone. Your support is appreciated – in any amount and it’s used to help me do this, my kinky writing, and keep the website going, too. So…if you’re interested and able, feel free to check me out on Patreon.

Now on to the show.

Okay, at first glance, the answer to the ultimate question – what are the rules – is pretty simple.

Whatever you and your Dominant agree to.

Okay, that’s it. Show’s over.

Kidding!

When I received this question, I honestly thought I couldn’t answer it. That there was no answer. Silly me. There’s always an answer.

Kayla Lords hosts episode 42 and answers a question a lot of listeners have been asking lately: “Where do I find a good Dominant?”

In this episode:

* Want something to spice up your e-reader? Check out the bookstore on my website.

* Several listeners have sent in the same question: where do I find a good Dominant?

* The answer is much more complex than “where” to find one – it’s “how” to find one that matters.

* Kinky people are everywhere, even if you don’t realize it.

* There is no “special” way to meet kinky people other than to go where we are. People are people, and you need to treat interactions with kinksters like you would with anyone else – be kind, courteous, and open.

* While munches are always an excellent place to meet people, most people will start online.

* Pick any social media/online space you prefer to be on: Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc. and you’ll find kinksters. Fetlife, for all it’s problems, is an obvious choice for finding kinky people – locally or not.

* You’ll have to decide if you want to use a “fake” profile for your kinky self or the vanilla one you already have. There’s no wrong choice. It’s personal preference.

* Search for groups, hashtags, and anything involving kink.

* Start following people, joining groups, and participating in the conversation.

* There are a few things you shouldn’t do and a few things you can/should to find a good Dominant.

* Don’t respond to random (and aggressive/predatory) messages from wannabes/posers. Delete, and if necessary, block them.

* Try not to respond when a nice conversation gets creepy, scary, or aggressive. Delete, delete, delete. If you must respond, do it just once, because otherwise you’ll get sucked into a conversation that takes up time and space you don’t need to waste on an asshole.

* When you don’t respond to the ridiculous messages you receive, especially when they’re unsolicited, you’re not being rude or a bad submissive.

* Do not solicit Dominants with messages like “Spank me, Daddy” or “I want to be your submissive” especially when you don’t know them. If you don’t like it when the fake Doms do it to you, why would you do it to anyone else?

* Do share, reblog, comment, and engage with kinky people who seem nice and interesting.

* Always be your genuine self. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not simply to get attention or find a partner.

* When it feels appropriate, feel free to reach out in email or private message to say hi. Keep it friendly.

* The purpose of all this is to make friends. Whether this person becomes your Dominant or not, friendship should come first.

* Making the first contact is not frowned upon, as long as you’re polite. Some Dominants even appreciate it.

* Even when you do all the “right” things it won’t always work. The other person might not be interested or the vibe is wrong.

* Worse case scenario: you come across a predator that plays the game too well. Always listen to your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

* Feel free to comment below or reach out and let me know if you have other tips for finding good kinky partners or if you have questions of your own.

Links from the show:

Kayla’s Online Store

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Kayla Lords hosts episode 42 and answers a question a lot of listeners have been asking lately: “Where do I find a good Dominant?”

In this episode:

* Want something to spice up your e-reader? Check out the bookstore on my website.

* Several listeners have sent in the same question: where do I find a good Dominant?

* The answer is much more complex than “where” to find one – it’s “how” to find one that matters.

* Kinky people are everywhere, even if you don’t realize it.

* There is no “special” way to meet kinky people other than to go where we are. People are people, and you need to treat interactions with kinksters like you would with anyone else – be kind, courteous, and open.

* While munches are always an excellent place to meet people, most people will start online.

* Pick any social media/online space you prefer to be on: Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc. and you’ll find kinksters. Fetlife, for all it’s problems, is an obvious choice for finding kinky people – locally or not.

* You’ll have to decide if you want to use a “fake” profile for your kinky self or the vanilla one you already have. There’s no wrong choice. It’s personal preference.

* Search for groups, hashtags, and anything involving kink.

* Start following people, joining groups, and participating in the conversation.

* There are a few things you shouldn’t do and a few things you can/should to find a good Dominant.

* Don’t respond to random (and aggressive/predatory) messages from wannabes/posers. Delete, and if necessary, block them.

* Try not to respond when a nice conversation gets creepy, scary, or aggressive. Delete, delete, delete. If you must respond, do it just once, because otherwise you’ll get sucked into a conversation that takes up time and space you don’t need to waste on an asshole.

* When you don’t respond to the ridiculous messages you receive, especially when they’re unsolicited, you’re not being rude or a bad submissive.

* Do not solicit Dominants with messages like “Spank me, Daddy” or “I want to be your submissive” especially when you don’t know them. If you don’t like it when the fake Doms do it to you, why would you do it to anyone else?

* Do share, reblog, comment, and engage with kinky people who seem nice and interesting.

* Always be your genuine self. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not simply to get attention or find a partner.

* When it feels appropriate, feel free to reach out in email or private message to say hi. Keep it friendly.

* The purpose of all this is to make friends. Whether this person becomes your Dominant or not, friendship should come first.

* Making the first contact is not frowned upon, as long as you’re polite. Some Dominants even appreciate it.

* Even when you do all the “right” things it won’t always work. The other person might not be interested or the vibe is wrong.

* Worse case scenario: you come across a predator that plays the game too well. Always listen to your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

* Feel free to comment below or reach out and let me know if you have other tips for finding good kinky partners or if you have questions of your own.

Links from the show:

Kayla’s Online Store

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

In episode 41, Kayla Lords answers a listener’s question – how do you handle the different roles in your life as a submissive, especially when those roles conflict or cause stress?

In this episode:

* Today’s topic came from a listener who specifically asked about handling the problems and differences that come with being both a submissive and a babygirl.

* As a submissive, we have a lot of roles that conflict: parent, child, employee, co-worker, etc. We can’t always be our submissive self.

* When the stress and pressure of not feeling submissive stress us out, fall back on your D/s relationship. Let your Dominant guide you through it and reset you.

* Single submissives have options for a much needed reset even if they don’t have a Dominant or top to help them out.

* To the specific question asked, yes, there is a difference between being a submissive and a babygirl (or other kinky personas like pets, littles, etc.).

* When being babygirl wins over being a submissive – and it results in a failure to complete a task or do something you’ve been expected to do, Dominants need to dole out consequences.

* You have to give your other persona space to come out and play on a regular basis or, as this babygirl admits, bad things can happen. This is true of anyone, single or in a D/s relationship.

Links from the show:

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Full Transcript

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 41. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here! This week let’s talk about how submissives can, should, and do handle the different parts of our lives. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.

No, no John Brownstone this week and possibly not next week, either. But don’t worry, I’ll get him back on as soon as I can. Today, I’m taking a question I received from a listener (shout out to tora princess!) and expanding on it a bit because I think all submissives can relate in some form or fashion.

Her original question was about how to handle the two sides of your kinky life if you’re both submissive and a babygirl, as I am and as tora is. It’s a valid question,

In episode 41, Kayla Lords answers a listener’s question – how do you handle the different roles in your life as a submissive, especially when those roles conflict or cause stress?

In this episode:

* Today’s topic came from a listener who specifically asked about handling the problems and differences that come with being both a submissive and a babygirl.

* As a submissive, we have a lot of roles that conflict: parent, child, employee, co-worker, etc. We can’t always be our submissive self.

* When the stress and pressure of not feeling submissive stress us out, fall back on your D/s relationship. Let your Dominant guide you through it and reset you.

* Single submissives have options for a much needed reset even if they don’t have a Dominant or top to help them out.

* To the specific question asked, yes, there is a difference between being a submissive and a babygirl (or other kinky personas like pets, littles, etc.).

* When being babygirl wins over being a submissive – and it results in a failure to complete a task or do something you’ve been expected to do, Dominants need to dole out consequences.

* You have to give your other persona space to come out and play on a regular basis or, as this babygirl admits, bad things can happen. This is true of anyone, single or in a D/s relationship.

Links from the show:

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Full Transcript

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 41. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here! This week let’s talk about how submissives can, should, and do handle the different parts of our lives. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.

No, no John Brownstone this week and possibly not next week, either. But don’t worry, I’ll get him back on as soon as I can. Today, I’m taking a question I received from a listener (shout out to tora princess!) and expanding on it a bit because I think all submissives can relate in some form or fashion.

Her original question was about how to handle the two sides of your kinky life if you’re both submissive and a babygirl, as I am and as tora is. It’s a valid question,

After a week away, Kayla Lords and John Brownstone are back with a big topic. Episode 40 goes over tips and advice on how to effectively communicate in your D/s relationship.

In this episode:

* Thanks to a fellow podcaster’s recommendation, a new mic was found, installed, and is working just fine!

* The decision to not produce a show until the mic could be replaced wasn’t easy – we missed everyone! But recording a bad sounding show wasn’t an option either.

* This week’s show is about talking to one another – during conflict, when you’re teasing, and when you have important things to share.

* Not everything that can (or should) be said can be contained within one show, but this is a good place to start.

* Kinksters tend to be sarcastic. Sarcastic submissives have to balance their natural tendencies with respect for their Dominants.

* Teasing works in some D/s relationships but always with respect.

* If you continue communicating like you did in past failed vanilla relationships, it could hurt your D/s relationship.

* Screaming, slammed doors, and silence aren’t effective.

* Dominants who shout in anger tend to be viewed as out of control.

* When a problem comes up and one or both partners are angry, it’s best to take time – an hour, a day – to calm down before discussing the problem.

* When in doubt, write down your feelings.

* Learn how to listen – which doesn’t mean letting someone talk and simultaneously thinking about your own response. Lean in, make eye contact, ask questions, nod your head – these are all indications that you’re actively listening to your partner.

* Learn how to say what you feel. Dominants may be hesitant to talk about feelings or concerns because they believe they’re supposed to be strong. Submissives may not talk for fear of judgement.

* Watch your body language when your partner tells you something new to you. Making faces or noises of disgust, crossing your arms, and other signs could cause your partner to shut down.

* You don’t have to be good at communicating with each other – yet. You only have to be willing to try.

* Apologize when you are disrespectful, shout, or don’t give your partner room to say what they need to say.

* If you’re in a D/s relationship with someone who refuses to talk, listen, or even try to communicate with you, you need to rethink your relationship. Growth occurs when you both talk to one another – about good and bad and everything in between.

* Get comfortable being silent in each other’s presence. You don’t always have to talk, but when you know ideas and questions are encouraged and welcomed, that silence can present opportunities to have big conversations.

* We want to hear your thoughts and ideas about effectively communicating in a D/s relationship. Contact us and share!

Links from the show:

Life on the Swingset podcast

What Negotiations Can Sound Like (Episode 14)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

After a week away, Kayla Lords and John Brownstone are back with a big topic. Episode 40 goes over tips and advice on how to effectively communicate in your D/s relationship.

In this episode:

* Thanks to a fellow podcaster’s recommendation, a new mic was found, installed, and is working just fine!

* The decision to not produce a show until the mic could be replaced wasn’t easy – we missed everyone! But recording a bad sounding show wasn’t an option either.

* This week’s show is about talking to one another – during conflict, when you’re teasing, and when you have important things to share.

* Not everything that can (or should) be said can be contained within one show, but this is a good place to start.

* Kinksters tend to be sarcastic. Sarcastic submissives have to balance their natural tendencies with respect for their Dominants.

* Teasing works in some D/s relationships but always with respect.

* If you continue communicating like you did in past failed vanilla relationships, it could hurt your D/s relationship.

* Screaming, slammed doors, and silence aren’t effective.

* Dominants who shout in anger tend to be viewed as out of control.

* When a problem comes up and one or both partners are angry, it’s best to take time – an hour, a day – to calm down before discussing the problem.

* When in doubt, write down your feelings.

* Learn how to listen – which doesn’t mean letting someone talk and simultaneously thinking about your own response. Lean in, make eye contact, ask questions, nod your head – these are all indications that you’re actively listening to your partner.

* Learn how to say what you feel. Dominants may be hesitant to talk about feelings or concerns because they believe they’re supposed to be strong. Submissives may not talk for fear of judgement.

* Watch your body language when your partner tells you something new to you. Making faces or noises of disgust, crossing your arms, and other signs could cause your partner to shut down.

* You don’t have to be good at communicating with each other – yet. You only have to be willing to try.

* Apologize when you are disrespectful, shout, or don’t give your partner room to say what they need to say.

* If you’re in a D/s relationship with someone who refuses to talk, listen, or even try to communicate with you, you need to rethink your relationship. Growth occurs when you both talk to one another – about good and bad and everything in between.

* Get comfortable being silent in each other’s presence. You don’t always have to talk, but when you know ideas and questions are encouraged and welcomed, that silence can present opportunities to have big conversations.

* We want to hear your thoughts and ideas about effectively communicating in a D/s relationship. Contact us and share!

Links from the show:

Life on the Swingset podcast

What Negotiations Can Sound Like (Episode 14)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone are together for episode 39 discussing both sub drop and Dom drop (yes, that’s a real thing): what it feels like, how to handle it, and how to help your partner.

In this episode:

* An amazing weekend quickly turned into the worst sub and Dom drop…ever.

* The details are still private but the affects were awful.

* Dom drop is just as real as sub drop.

* Sub space isn’t a prerequisite to dropping. It happens when the emotions/endorphins/adrenaline are very high.

* Drop doesn’t happen after every scene or every big moment.

* Everyone experiences drop differently: physically, emotionally, and mentally. Drop will be different for you each time you have it.

* Whether you’re a sub or Dom, you need to talk about how you feel and be honest with your partner.

* Taking care of each other will help you get through it.

* Aftercare helps, but it’s not always enough.

* Sticking with your routine is good, but leave some room for indulgences.

* Check in with each other and talk as much as you can.

* This isn’t the time to be stoic and pretend you’re okay.

Links from the show:

Sub Drop – A Newbie’s Experience (from 2012)

The Aftermath – Subdrop and Other Drama (from 2014)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone are together for episode 39 discussing both sub drop and Dom drop (yes, that’s a real thing): what it feels like, how to handle it, and how to help your partner.

In this episode:

* An amazing weekend quickly turned into the worst sub and Dom drop…ever.

* The details are still private but the affects were awful.

* Dom drop is just as real as sub drop.

* Sub space isn’t a prerequisite to dropping. It happens when the emotions/endorphins/adrenaline are very high.

* Drop doesn’t happen after every scene or every big moment.

* Everyone experiences drop differently: physically, emotionally, and mentally. Drop will be different for you each time you have it.

* Whether you’re a sub or Dom, you need to talk about how you feel and be honest with your partner.

* Taking care of each other will help you get through it.

* Aftercare helps, but it’s not always enough.

* Sticking with your routine is good, but leave some room for indulgences.

* Check in with each other and talk as much as you can.

* This isn’t the time to be stoic and pretend you’re okay.

Links from the show:

Sub Drop – A Newbie’s Experience (from 2012)

The Aftermath – Subdrop and Other Drama (from 2014)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

In episode 38, Kayla Lords discusses what submissives and Dominants can do when vanilla life gets in the way and reminds everyone just how normal it is. Everyone has experienced some level of outside interference on their kinky fuckery.

In this episode:

* It’s been a long week and few months with not a lot of kinky fuckery.

* The panic attack during sex didn’t help.

* Sometimes vanilla life knocks you down and D/s takes a back seat. It’s normal.

* Not doing as many kinky things doesn’t make you less D/s.

* Sometimes the smallest things can have a big impact.

* Staying mindful of who and what you are will help you remember what D/s feels like even when life gets crazy.

* Dominants may have specific tones and looks, but so do submissives. Use them.

* More tasks aren’t always the answer for a submissive. Sometimes we just need someone to tell us what to do.

* If you care enough to worry whether you’re still D/s when you can’t be kinky, you probably care enough to make sure you don’t get stuck for too long in vanilla life.

Links from the show:

Three in the Morning

It Wasn’t Music To His Ears

How to Reconnect in Your D/s Relationship (Episode 28)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Full Transcript:

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 38. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. This week I’m talking about how vanilla life can get in the way of your D/s and reminding everyone, including myself, not to freak out when that happens. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.

It’s been a long week in this kinky corner of the world…and none of it’s been kinky! Well, that’s not true. Wednesday night, John Brownstone got a wild hair up his ass and initiated the longest session of rough sex we’ve had in a while.