Loving BDSM

John Brownstone joins Kayla Lords in episode 48 to talk about training in a D/s relationship.

In this episode:

* We’re planning for the one year anniversary of the podcast at the end of August with a giveaway of kinky fuckery from our favorite kinky shops. More details coming soon!

* After the show on responsibilities, a friend said she might not be submissive because she’s so bad at being responsible. The answer to this is training.

* Training is highly personal and unique to each D/s relationship.

* The responsibility for training and guiding a submissive to help create the D/s relationship you both want lies mainly with the Dominant. Submissives have to be willing to participate, though.

* Submissives don’t have to be – and shouldn’t be expected to be – perfect during training. The willingness to try is most important.

* Dominants need to be consistent.

* Dominants should communicate their needs and expectations clearly and in detail.

* Submissives should be free to ask questions if there’s confusion or a concern.

* Dominants should create consequences for misbehavior and missteps. Communicate those clearly so a submissive knows what to expect.

* Appreciation and gratitude are powerful tools for training and can be more effective than harsh punishment or consequences.

* Training never stops, and tasks can and should be adjusted as a relationship grows and changes over time.

* Because you’re both learning about each other, in a D/s relationship, you’re both being trained but in different ways.

* Take your training slow. Don’t throw a list of a dozen or more rules and tasks at a submissive and expect them to get it all right immediately.

* Dominants who are new and unsure of how to proceed or where to begin with training should reach out to other Dominants you respect in the local community for guidance.

Links from the show:

The Responsibilities of a Dominant and a Submissive (podcast episode)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

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Kayla Lords hosts episode 47, and it focuses on a lot of emails and messages that have come through about what’s okay and what’s not in a D/s relationship.

In this episode:

No John Brownstone for another week – but it’s his last week on the crazy summer schedule at work, so he’ll be back soon.

A lot of emails have come through from both Doms and subs  with questions about their relationships.

Even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself, you know when a relationship has gone bad.

It requires both of you working together to figure out a way forward. 

Here are some signs of a bad D/s relationship – and yes, some will look like “red flags” that we’ve discussed before.

Unwilling to communicate

Changing the rules with no warning

Punishing without explaining

Saying things like “I’m the Dom, I can do what I want” with no negotiation or consent

Doubts about opening up your relationship but feeling like you have no choice

Emotional manipulation which isn’t the same as a mindfuck

Lying

Wanting two incompatible things and not willing or able to find a middle ground 

It’s better to be alone than in a bad relationship. If you can’t make it work, have the strength to walk away.

Yes, submissives can end a relationship.

Links from the show:

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords hosts episode 47, and it focuses on a lot of emails and messages that have come through about what’s okay and what’s not in a D/s relationship.

In this episode:

No John Brownstone for another week – but it’s his last week on the crazy summer schedule at work, so he’ll be back soon.

A lot of emails have come through from both Doms and subs  with questions about their relationships.

Even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself, you know when a relationship has gone bad.

It requires both of you working together to figure out a way forward. 

Here are some signs of a bad D/s relationship – and yes, some will look like “red flags” that we’ve discussed before.

Unwilling to communicate

Changing the rules with no warning

Punishing without explaining

Saying things like “I’m the Dom, I can do what I want” with no negotiation or consent

Doubts about opening up your relationship but feeling like you have no choice

Emotional manipulation which isn’t the same as a mindfuck

Lying

Wanting two incompatible things and not willing or able to find a middle ground 

It’s better to be alone than in a bad relationship. If you can’t make it work, have the strength to walk away.

Yes, submissives can end a relationship.

Links from the show:

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords hosts episode 46 and takes on the topic of being both a parent and a kinkster in a D/s relationship.

In this episode:

I’m taking some time to slow down and regroup in a kinda, sorta blogging hiatus

My oldest turned 11 this week. Wow.

Any parent can have a D/s relationship if that’s what you want.

Special needs parents can be kinky too but they face more challenges – and I’m no expert. If you’ve managed it with all the demands of being a special needs parents, I’d love to learn from you.

Being pregnant and kinky is possible with some modifications.

Being kinky while parenting toddlers isn’t the same as having older kids.

Not all kink is sexual.

You have more freedom as your children get older.

Want kinky sex? You’ll probably have to plan for it.

Links from the show:

How to Deal with the Question of Being Kinky and a Parent

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords hosts episode 46 and takes on the topic of being both a parent and a kinkster in a D/s relationship.

In this episode:

I’m taking some time to slow down and regroup in a kinda, sorta blogging hiatus

My oldest turned 11 this week. Wow.

Any parent can have a D/s relationship if that’s what you want.

Special needs parents can be kinky too but they face more challenges – and I’m no expert. If you’ve managed it with all the demands of being a special needs parents, I’d love to learn from you.

Being pregnant and kinky is possible with some modifications.

Being kinky while parenting toddlers isn’t the same as having older kids.

Not all kink is sexual.

You have more freedom as your children get older.

Want kinky sex? You’ll probably have to plan for it.

Links from the show:

How to Deal with the Question of Being Kinky and a Parent

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords hosts episode 45 and talks about how a Dominant or submissive can take care of themselves, in or out of a relationship.

In this episode:

I’m feeling better because of John Brownstone’s birthday – July 12 (Happy Birthday, Daddy!)

Last week we discussed responsibilities and one of those was taking care of yourself. 

These are things I do that work for me or that other people I know have said work for them. You have to find what works for you and your particular situation.

You need to take care of yourself whether you’re in a relationship or not. 

When you’re single, it’s important to take care of yourself so that you’re in a good place for finding the right relationship for you.

Exercise

Eating right for your body and your health

Take care of your mental health

Go to the doctor

Pursue your own interests and hobbies

Make friends – online or in person

Dog the things that interest you as Dom or sub – kinky thing

Communicate how you feel and what you need or want

The one year anniversary is coming up! We have something big planned for everyone – a giveaway!! More details coming soon.

Links from the show:

Being Physically Fit for Kink (podcast episode)

The Betty Rocker

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords hosts episode 45 and talks about how a Dominant or submissive can take care of themselves, in or out of a relationship.

In this episode:

I’m feeling better because of John Brownstone’s birthday – July 12 (Happy Birthday, Daddy!)

Last week we discussed responsibilities and one of those was taking care of yourself. 

These are things I do that work for me or that other people I know have said work for them. You have to find what works for you and your particular situation.

You need to take care of yourself whether you’re in a relationship or not. 

When you’re single, it’s important to take care of yourself so that you’re in a good place for finding the right relationship for you.

Exercise

Eating right for your body and your health

Take care of your mental health

Go to the doctor

Pursue your own interests and hobbies

Make friends – online or in person

Dog the things that interest you as Dom or sub – kinky thing

Communicate how you feel and what you need or want

The one year anniversary is coming up! We have something big planned for everyone – a giveaway!! More details coming soon.

Links from the show:

Being Physically Fit for Kink (podcast episode)

The Betty Rocker

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

John Brownstone joins Kayla Lords for episode 44 where they discuss the different types of responsibilities a Dominant and a submissive can have in a relationship.

In this episode:

* Get a free book on Smashwords! July 2016 only.

* Responsibilities to your relationship aren’t a kink thing, they’re a people thing.

* Some responsibilities are definitely D/s, though.

* John Brownstone discusses his responsibilities in our relationship.

* Protection

* Helping me.

* Taking care of me when I’m sick.

* Financial responsibilities

* Helping me achieve my personal and professional goals.

* Taking care of his “toy”

* My responsibilities as a submissive are just as important.

* Making sure my tasks are completed.

* Making sure I keep myself healthy and whole – which at this point means I’ll be meeting with a therapist to deal with some of the mental gunk that’s been weighing me down.

* Communicating my needs and when something is wrong.

* Our biggest responsibility is to each other – to take care of the other in the best way we can.

* Those responsibilities are no less important when life gets stressful and hectic.

* In the crazy moments life throws you, sometimes your D/s relationship and sense of responsibility is the only moment of calm you have. Cling to it like a life preserver.

* Sometimes that responsibility is too much, and one or both of you won’t be able to maintain it. There is no right answer.

Links from the show:

Kink Aware Professionals

Financial Control in Our D/s Relationships

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

John Brownstone joins Kayla Lords for episode 44 where they discuss the different types of responsibilities a Dominant and a submissive can have in a relationship.

In this episode:

* Get a free book on Smashwords! July 2016 only.

* Responsibilities to your relationship aren’t a kink thing, they’re a people thing.

* Some responsibilities are definitely D/s, though.

* John Brownstone discusses his responsibilities in our relationship.

* Protection

* Helping me.

* Taking care of me when I’m sick.

* Financial responsibilities

* Helping me achieve my personal and professional goals.

* Taking care of his “toy”

* My responsibilities as a submissive are just as important.

* Making sure my tasks are completed.

* Making sure I keep myself healthy and whole – which at this point means I’ll be meeting with a therapist to deal with some of the mental gunk that’s been weighing me down.

* Communicating my needs and when something is wrong.

* Our biggest responsibility is to each other – to take care of the other in the best way we can.

* Those responsibilities are no less important when life gets stressful and hectic.

* In the crazy moments life throws you, sometimes your D/s relationship and sense of responsibility is the only moment of calm you have. Cling to it like a life preserver.

* Sometimes that responsibility is too much, and one or both of you won’t be able to maintain it. There is no right answer.

Links from the show:

Kink Aware Professionals

Financial Control in Our D/s Relationships

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords hosts episode 43 and answers a listener’s question: what are the rules for being a submissive?

In this episode:

* Kinky patrons are always welcome. Support the podcast through Patreon!

* The sarcastic answer to the rules question is: whatever your Dominant says. The less sarcastic answer is: whatever you and your partner agree to.

* In reality, the “rules” of being a good submissive are not that different from the rules of being a good human – with a kinky twist of course.

* Be honest.

* Communicate.

* Show respect.

* Have integrity.

* Look for the good Dominants.

* Be yourself.

* Educate yourself.

* Understand safety.

* Never forget about consent.

* If you have any other rules you’d recommend, share in the comments below or email them!

Links from the show:

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Full Transcript

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 43. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here! This week I’m answering a question I recently received – what are the rules for being a submissive. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.

Real quick reminder: for those who love this podcast and want to help keep it running or just show their appreciation, I am always looking for kinky patrons over on Patreon – www dot patreon dot com slash Kayla Lords will get you there. As many of you know, you wouldn’t be listening to this podcast without help from my kinky patrons that allowed us to get a professional quality microphone. Your support is appreciated – in any amount and it’s used to help me do this, my kinky writing, and keep the website going, too. So…if you’re interested and able, feel free to check me out on Patreon.

Now on to the show.

Okay, at first glance, the answer to the ultimate question – what are the rules – is pretty simple.

Whatever you and your Dominant agree to.

Okay, that’s it. Show’s over.

Kidding!

When I received this question, I honestly thought I couldn’t answer it. That there was no answer. Silly me. There’s always an answer.