I read a comic strip once about pregnancy and childbirth that had the title “Help, my entertainment center is now a juice bar!"

While it struck my funny bone, there is so much truth in that statement.

We may think that adding our firstborn to the family will be all hunky-dory, fun and games, but the reality is it usually results in a DECREASE in marital quality. Navigating the relationship issues that transpire following the birth of a child can be tough!

If you’re a young parent reading this today, know that you guys are awesome! You may not feel awesome most days, but keep going. Props to you for navigating these tough times while bringing a new generation into the world.

So, what really goes on in our relationships and with our sexuality following the birth of a child?

Let’s talk about some realistic expectations, and how to create resiliency in your marriage to make this as positive an experience as possible.

The ‘New’ Norm

It is no surprise that a woman’s sexual desire and the frequency of intercourse in the early postpartum period is reduced. What surprised me was that breastfeeding was the cause.

Another thing that affects sexual intercourse during pregnancy and four months postpartum is the woman’s view of her changing roles. If the woman views her shift from the work role being primary to the mother role being primary in a positive light, there will be a greater frequency of sexual intercourse.

If you’re in this stage of life, be sure to discuss, as a couple, how you’re feeling about moving from being in the workforce to becoming a mother. Talk about what is positive, what you’re going to miss, and what you expect to be challenging.

Given that physical intimacy is reduced around the birth of a child, let us emphasize that having kids is NOT an ideal way to bring life or intimacy to your marriage. Rather than looking to baby to fulfill a need, bring your fullness to your baby. Use those first few years of marriage to focus on building a robust relationship, and from that healthy place, bring children into the family unit.

Another normal complication, which may be quite unpleasant, is Dyspareunia - pain during intercourse for women. The research says that 3 months after delivery 58% of women experienced dyspareunia, 39% experienced vaginal dryness, and 44% suffered a loss of sexual desire. Those are high numbers!

8-9 months later 26% still experienced dyspareunia, 22% had vaginal dryness, and 35% still suffered a loss of sexual desire. The scary part is only 20% of women discussed postnatal sexual problems with a physician.

You may think you are alone or unique, but you’re not! Talk to your doctor!

You can’t have pleasurable sex if you’re in pain while your husband’s penis is in your vagina. It is such a common issue and nothing to be ashamed about. Again, make sure you talk to your doctor.

I laughed at the results of the next study we looked at: they studied 768 first time parents and found that sexual desire is greater among fathers than mothers! Really… what a surprise!

Unfortunately, though, the tension between the sexual desires of the couple can become a focus of attention rather than the baby.

Add into the equation that men typically see sexuality as a way to intimacy, and women see intimacy as a way to sexuality, and it gets tricky. The husband can very quickly end up lonely and feeling emotional emptiness, but when Wife is experiencing pain and exhaustion, what are they to do?

One idea is to place more of an emphasis on sensuality over sexuality – hugging, kissing and caressing. Couples that compensate with this are better able to stay connected because it confirms each other and the affection they have for one another.

Another part for tired young moms to remember here is that you may have low desire because you are tired, but you can still be open to arousal. It’s the difference between going to bed wanting to do something versus going to bed willing...