Master Your Marriage

By Sharla and Robert SnowSociety & Culture Health & Fitness Education Self-Improvement Relationships Sexuality

Master Your Marriage episodes

October 28Stop Coaching Your Spouse When They're Upset
Has your spouse ever come to you hurt, and instead of hearing them out, you corrected how they said it?
We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves.
Once you start learning relationship tools, you start noticing every time your spouse isn't using them. And then it's so tempting to point it out. "That's a complaint, not a request." "You're being defensive." "Can you just give me one example?" You might even be right. But to someone who's already hurting, it sounds like you're grading their delivery, and that starts a whole new fight.
This week we share a Sunday morning that started with a surprise breakfast from our daughter and ended with Sharla coaching Robert from the shower, bubbles still in her hair. It involves a cat, three upholstered dining chairs, and a good rule used at exactly the wrong moment. Then we walk through three simple steps for when your spouse is upset and it's coming out messy.
In this episode:
How one cat and three upholstered chairs started the whole thing
Why "just use a different chair" landed as a brush-off
What happened when Sharla coached Robert from the shower
Right rule, wrong role: when good communication advice becomes a correction
Why learning the tools can make you see every mistake your spouse makes
The customer service window from episode 180, and the "toaster" Sharla almost handed back
Gottman's research on repair attempts, and why the same words can repair or correct
Three steps: take off your coaching hat, own your part, ask them to help you understand
When (and how) to talk about their delivery later, as a page from your operating manual

A place to start this week: The next time your spouse comes to you upset and it's coming out sideways, skip the coaching and try Robert's line: "I can tell you're upset. Can you help me understand?"
We're building a new program for couples and we'd love to hear from you before we finish it. If you can handle almost anything life throws at you but home is the place that feels hard, grab a 30 to 60 minute confidential conversation with us (not a sales call) at https://masteryourmarriage.us/research
Want private coaching for the two of you? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us
Related episodes:
Ep 180: Why You Get Defensive When Your Spouse Is Upset https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/relational-maturity-how-to-hear-a-complaint-without-getting-defensive
Ep 182: How to Ask Your Spouse for What You Want (Without Starting a Fight) https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/how-to-ask-your-spouse-for-what-you-want-without-starting-a-fight
Ep 132: The Science of Repair in Relationships https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/the-science-of-repair-in-relationships

Resources mentioned:
Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy: https://www.terryreal.com
The Gottman Institute on repair attempts: https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/

Find us: https://masteryourmarriage.us
Instagram @masteryourmarriage
Email: [email protected]
30 min
October 21How to Ask Your Spouse for What You Want (Without Starting a Fight)
Do you know exactly what bugs you about your spouse, but freeze up when it comes to saying what you actually want instead?
We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves.
Last week we talked about why so many of us don't ask for what we want. This week is the how. Most of us were taught to wait for our spouse to figure it out, then complain when they don't. It doesn't work, and it turns little irritants into little fights. We own up to a movie night in our basement that went sideways over woodworking videos, and share the little throat clear Robert uses in the bedroom doorway when he needs some love. Then we walk you through a simple four-part way to ask that's warm, quick and much easier for your spouse to say yes to.
In this episode:
Why waiting for your spouse to "just know," then complaining, almost never works
How "Are you seriously on your phone right now?" turned a cozy movie night into a little fight
The request hiding inside every complaint, and how to find it
Why you're the expert on you, but not on your spouse
Handing over your "operating instructions" (and why most spouses never get a manual)
What a throat clear in the bedroom doorway has to do with feeling loved
The full ask: appreciation, a specific ask, "as a favor to me," and "how can I help?"
Movie night, take two: what changed when Sharla asked instead of complained
When the full ask fits, and when a bigger hurt needs a different conversation

A place to start this week: Think of the complaint you've made a hundred times. Flip it into a request, then try the full ask, just once.
We're building a new program for couples, and we'd love to hear from you first. If home is the one place that feels hard, grab a 30 to 60 minute confidential conversation (not a sales call) at https://masteryourmarriage.us/research
Want private coaching for the two of you? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us
Related episodes:
Ep 181: But He Should Already Know: Failing the Test You Didn't Know You Were Taking
https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/but-he-should-already-know-failing-the-test-you-didnt-know-you-were-taking
Ep 180: Why You Get Defensive When Your Spouse Is Upset
https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/relational-maturity-how-to-hear-a-complaint-without-getting-defensive
Resources mentioned:
Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy: https://www.terryreal.com

Find us:
https://masteryourmarriage.us
Instagram @masteryourmarriage
[email protected]
31 min
October 14But He Should Already Know: Failing the Test You Didn't Know You Were Taking
Do you wait for your spouse to figure out what you need, and then feel hurt when they don't? Or do you tell yourself it's not worth asking anyway?
We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves.
This week we start a new thread we're calling Loving Power: how to be strong and loving at the same time. Last week was about hearing a complaint without getting defensive. This one is the other side. Why is it so hard to just ask for what you want?
We both tell on ourselves. Sharla gave Robert a secret test for two days after a 15-hour travel day home from the Caribbean. Robert spent almost a week feeling rejected and went out to the shop instead of saying "I miss you." We walk through the beliefs underneath that kept us quiet, and a simple tool for talking back to them.
In this episode:
Why being "low maintenance" can slowly drain the passion out of a marriage
What BYU research says disconnection does to your body (it's a lot)
Belief #1: "It's selfish to ask," and why asking is actually taking care of your marriage
Belief #2: "I shouldn't have to tell him," and the 48-hour secret test Sharla gave Robert
Belief #3: "I don't want to rock the boat," and why keeping the peace isn't as safe as it feels
The bonus one for the guys: Superman, and Robert's own "nobody cares" story
Why a busy week can feel like rejection, and which part of you is really talking
A four-step tool: notice it, name it, answer it, ask

A place to start this week: Catch yourself giving one secret test. That moment when you're waiting for your spouse to figure it out, or telling yourself "never mind, it's not worth it." Notice it, name it, talk back to it, and ask anyway.
Want help bringing this into your own marriage? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us
Related episodes: Ep 180: Relational Maturity: How to Hear a Complaint Without Getting Defensive https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/relational-maturity-how-to-hear-a-complaint-without-getting-defensive
Ep 155: The Hidden Cost of Keeping the Peace in Marriage https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/the-hidden-cost-of-keeping-the-peace-in-marriage
Resources mentioned:
Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy: https://www.terryreal.com
Julianne Holt-Lunstad's research on social connection (BYU): https://news.byu.edu/byu-expert-on-social-isolation-tapped-to-lead-u-s-surgeon-general-advisory-advise-world-health-organization
U.S. Surgeon General's advisory on loneliness and isolation (2023): https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf
Carol Gilligan, In a Different Voice

Find us: https://masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage [email protected]
29 min
October 09Why You Get Defensive When Your Spouse Is Upset
Do you get defensive the second your spouse says they're upset with you? Most of us do. We start correcting the facts, or we go straight to "poor me," and five minutes later nobody's talking about the original problem anymore.
We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves.
In this episode we talk about what Terry Real calls relational maturity, and his surprisingly simple test for it: “what do you do when your spouse is unhappy with you?” We tell on ourselves with the story of a porch swing Robert built, a creak that scared Sharla, and a lecture on snow loads that cost us the swing. Then we walk through four moves you can make the next time a complaint comes your way, and why owning more than you're asked to own is what calms your spouse down.
In this episode
Why the first five seconds after "that bothered me" tell you so much
The adaptive child, the wise adult, and where we each learned to handle complaints
Pia Mellody's three ways we dodge responsibility (Sharla admits to using all of them in one sentence)
Why defensiveness is really a way of keeping shame out
The porch swing story, and the snow loads lecture
Why a complaint is a one-way street, and Terry Real's customer service window
The four moves: listen and reflect, acknowledge, own the pattern, give and let go
Why saying "it's not the first time I've done this" can calm a fight down

A place to start this week The next time your spouse is unhappy with you, ask yourself which part of you is about to answer. Then try one move: "Here's what I heard. Did I get that right?"
Want help bringing this into your own marriage? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us
Related episodes
Ep 169: Defensiveness Is a Self-Esteem Problem, and How to Fix It
https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/defensiveness-is-a-self-esteem-problem-and-how-to-fix-it
Ep 98: Repair, Part 4 (we process a regrettable incident live)
https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/real-repair-what-happens-after-a-big-fight
Ep 162: When Is It Okay Not to Forgive?
https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/when-is-it-okay-not-to-forgive-and-when-its-not

Resources mentioned
Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy
Terry Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
Pia Mellody, Facing Codependence
The Gottman Institute (processing a regrettable incident): https://www.gottman.com

Find us https://masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage [email protected]
37 min
October 01How Lifelong Lovers Cherish Each Other Differently
How Lifelong Lovers Cherish Each Other Differently -
It is easy to look at someone else’s business, family, house, or marriage and decide ours is not enough. The longer we stay in that comparison, the blinder we get to the good that is already ours. In this episode we talk about cherishing as the practice that brings us back.
We look at what cherishing actually means, why it is harder to name seven things we value than seven things we want changed, and the habits that work against us: entitlement, comparison, and the hedonic treadmill. We also walk through the Gottman fondness and admiration questions, and we talk about why cherishing asks for vulnerability, humility, and a different relationship to the differences that once drew us together.
Cherishing will not fix contempt or a destructive pattern. It can help a long-term relationship feel like a place that gives life, instead of a life we are only managing.
In this episode
Why comparison takes our attention away from our own life
What it actually takes to have a cherishing relationship, and why capable is not the same as willing
Why most of us can list grievances faster than we can list what we cherish
Entitlement as a survival habit that costs us in marriage
The hedonic treadmill, and what it does not mean
A story about what becomes visible only after a loss
The Gottman fondness and admiration self-check, and how to read the score
Vulnerability, resentment, and humility
Why you do not have to wait for your spouse to go first

A place to start this week
Name one specific good thing before the day gets away from you, and say it out loud.
Find us
masteryourmarriage.us
Instagram @masteryourmarriage
[email protected]
38 min
September 24Why the Spark Fades in Marriage, and How to Wake It Back Up
How Lifelong Lovers Keep Wanting Each Other
Last week we kept talking about the work of stopping damage. That work matters. If contempt, unbridled expression, or defensiveness are running the house, you do not need a new date-night idea first. You need to stop the bleeding.
This episode is about what comes after that.
Couples can get better at conflict. They can learn to repair. They can stop doing so much damage. And they can still look at each other and feel quiet. Not hateful. Just flat. “We finally learned how to fight better. Why doesn’t it feel more alive?”
John Gottman has been saying a version of this for decades. Even the best therapy in the world will never work if it only focuses on conflict. Stopping the damage is the first step. It is not the same thing as building a friendship or a cherishing marriage.
Once the negativity has a little less room, there is a space where it used to live. You have to decide what you want to fill that space with. Friendship. Fondness. Play. Shared meaning. Touch. Adventure. One of the things that can fill it is novelty. Not novelty as a gimmick. Novelty as a way of keeping the wanting system awake in a long-term committed relationship.
In this conversation we talk about:
Why the first year or two can feel electric, and why that intensity often cools around year two, moving in, or kids
Helen Fisher’s three systems: lust, attraction (dopamine), and attachment
Why early love can feel almost obsessive, and why the brain cannot stay in that state forever
Habituation: the brain spends less dopamine on what it already knows well
What that does not mean (you did not necessarily marry the wrong person, and passion is not required to die)
Arthur Aron’s research on self-expansion and doing new things together
Why a familiar person in an unfamiliar place can wake wanting back up
Three practices: shared novelty, intentional space that includes a return, and keep becoming / stay curious
The honest catch: novelty takes energy, and exhausted couples often misread the quiet as “we grew apart”

This week’s experiment
Sit down together, even for ten minutes.
Where has our life become so efficient that we stopped being interesting to each other?
What is one unfamiliar thing we could do together before this season turns?

Write it down. Put it on the calendar. Do not turn it into another exhausting project. Go be slightly bad at something new, together.
Love, the cherishing kind, is not the absence of familiarity. It is familiarity that still surprises you, again and again.
Mentioned
Helen Fisher, research on romantic love and the brain
Donatella Marazziti, research on serotonin patterns in early love
Arthur Aron, Stony Brook University, self-expansion and shared novel activities
John Gottman, friendship and conflict
James Clear, Atomic Habits (the stonecutter)
Connect With Us:
Website: MasterYourMarriage.us
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
If you try this and something shifts, even a little, we would love to hear about it. Send a note through masteryourmarriage.us.
If you and your partner want help putting practices like this into your actual life, you can book a free 30-minute discovery call at masteryourmarriage.us.
29 min
September 16Why Your Marriage Collapses Under Pressure
Get the workbook that accompanies this series
Last week we talked about borrowing a self. How many of us build a pseudo-self out of attention and approval — reassurance from a partner, praise from a boss, a degree, a title. Those boosters attach our worth to things we do not control. When the attention is stripped away, we don’t really know who we are. That is a recipe for more anxiety and more reactivity.
A solid self is built on beliefs, values, and principles you have defined for yourself. Not the ones you inherited and never questioned.
That is this episode. Principles. The handful of things you would still conduct yourself by if nobody clapped, if your partner didn’t agree, and if the tension in the room got really thick. That’s when we find out who we are and what we will stand for.
In this conversation we talk about:
The pile of “shoulds” we bring into marriage, and how the pseudo-self absorbs them to keep the peace
Why true belief is not rebelling and not conforming — it is your own reasoning
The difference between a value and a principle
Why feelings are information, but they don’t get to drive
How a family code becomes “personality,” and then collides with someone else’s code
What an I-position sounds like — sentences about your functioning, not a diagnosis of them
Why the system may spike in anxiety when you stop borrowing, and why that is not proof you chose wrong

A value can live in your head. A principle has to show up in how you treat the person across from you. You do not have a principle until you can argue for it — to yourself. If you cannot hold it unless someone is nodding, it is still a booster.
Fulfillment and comfort are not the same thing. Living a borrowed life can look successful and still feel empty. Living a principled life can feel tense at first. It is a life you respect.
This week’s assignment
One value. Your own thinking.
Pick one value that really matters in this marriage.
Write two or three principles under it. Sentences that start with I.
Argue for them. Why this? What does it protect? What does it cost? When would you still keep it?
Do the borrowed test. Whose voice is this?
Live one sentence for seven days. Stay in contact. When anxiety comes, stop, breathe, ask what the real story is.

If you want the longer version, we made a downloadable workbook that walks the three-episode stack and gives you space to write your relationship principles. $5 on our Stan Store.
Don’t wait on it to start. This episode is enough to begin.
When an anxious person starts to think for herself or himself, the entire relationship system becomes a lot less reactive.
Mentioned
Kathleen Smith, Everything Isn’t Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down
Murray Bowen, family systems theory
Workbook
[LINK]: https://stan.store/masteryourmarriage/p/when-disagreement-feels-like-a-threat
Connect With Us:
Website: MasterYourMarriage.us
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
If you try this and something shifts, even a little, we’d love to hear about it. Reply to this episode or send a note through masteryourmarriage.us.
If you and your partner want help practicing conversations like this, you can book a free 30-minute discovery call at masteryourmarriage.us.
26 min
September 10Why You Manage Their Mood Instead of Your Own
Last week we talked about anxiety as a response to a real or imagined threat. How we make our partner the threat. How reactivity is the anxiety.
This week is the question underneath that: why does their disagreement knock the floor out from under you?
A lot of us don’t actually know who we are unless someone is reflecting it back. Praise. A title. Being busy. A spouse who validates us. A room that doesn’t push back. Those things feel like a self. They’re boosters. They work for a minute. Then they wear off, and we need the next one.
That’s borrowing a self. And a borrowed self experiences “I don’t see it that way” as a threat. So of course we manage their mood. Of course we please, campaign, or reach for distance. We’re trying to get the floor back.
In this episode we talk about:
Why you can look so capable at work and come undone at home
How boosters and borrowed selves make difference feel dangerous
What differentiation actually means in a marriage
Why cutting people out soothes anxiety, until you run out of people
Small ways to start using your own mind again

You can see a hard thing differently than your partner sees it and still stay in the room. Not because you agree. Because you each have enough self to let the other person have a self too.
This week’s practice
Notice:
When do I use my achievements to prop up my sense of self, or even just my mood?
When have I focused more on getting love or praise than on developing my own beliefs, principles, or interests?
How might I take a little more responsibility for my sense of self this week?

And in the moment: stop. Breathe. Ask how the best version of you would want to respond. Try your own thinking before you ask someone to tell you, fix it, or approve it.
Mentioned
Kathleen Smith, Everything Isn’t Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down
Connect With Us:
Website: MasterYourMarriage.us
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
If you try this and something shifts, even a little, we’d love to hear about it. Reply to this episode or send a note through masteryourmarriage.us.
If you and your partner want help practicing conversations like this, you can book a free 30-minute discovery call at masteryourmarriage.us.
26 min
September 03When Your Partner Feels Like a Threat - Relationship Anxiety Explained
If you don’t think you have anxiety, this episode is probably for you.
A lot of us hear “anxiety” and picture someone who worries all day and imagines every disaster. That is not how it usually shows up in marriage. In close relationships, anxiety often looks like defensiveness, shutting down, fixing, blaming, or making your partner the problem.
In this episode, we reframe anxiety as a response to a real or imagined threat. That threat system is useful. It is supposed to help you stay alive. The trouble is that humans don’t just react to actual danger. We can invent it. We can turn disagreement, feedback, or feeling misunderstood into a bear.
Drawing on ideas from Dr. Kathleen Smith’s book Everything Isn’t Terrible, we talk about:
Why reactivity is an anxiety response
How we make our partner the threat
Why focusing on the other person usually increases anxiety
How curiosity helps you override autopilot
What it means to respond instead of react

You are never going to become a robot who never gets triggered. That is not the goal. The goal is to slow down long enough to ask, “What’s the real story here?” Not every alarm is a fire. Sometimes it is just feedback.
This week’s practice
Observe:
When does my anxiety perceive danger where there is none?
When do I focus on or blame my partner, and how does that increase my anxiety?

Then get more curious:
How does focusing on the other person conflict with who I want to be?
How does responding to imagined danger affect my relationship?
Where can I practice focusing on my side of the street this week?

Mentioned
Kathleen Smith, Everything Isn’t Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down
Connect With Us:
Website: MasterYourMarriage.us
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
If you try this and something shifts, even a little, we’d love to hear about it. Reply to this episode or send a note through masteryourmarriage.us.
If you and your partner want help practicing conversations like this, you can book a free 30-minute discovery call at masteryourmarriage.us.
30 min
August 26Why “AND” Changes Hard Conversations
One of the smallest words in English can quietly change the emotional climate of a marriage.
In this episode, we talk about the difference between “but” and “and.” “But” often cancels whatever came before it. “And” lets two truths stand side by side.
This is not a dramatic new technique. It is a simple linguistic shift that helps couples stay on the same side of the problem — in hard conversations, in parenting, and in the first conversation that happens inside your own head.
We also look at how a childhood diet of hard “No” can shape rigid “No adults,” how shame thinks in either/or, and how the Wise Adult posture sounds in real time.
In This Episode
Why “but” undercuts ownership and makes the second half of the sentence the only point
How “and” holds two realities at once without forcing one to erase the other
Either/or thinking vs both/and (dialectical) thinking
Adaptive Child vs Wise Adult — rigidity vs flexibility
Paul Zohav’s idea of “No adults” and the relational cost of growing up without enough “and”
How to bridge a “No” with an “And” without abandoning your needs
The most important place to practice “and”: the conversation in your own head
The shame mantra: “I’m enough and I matter despite…”
Everyday sentence swaps for plans, mental load, repair, and money

Key Takeaways
You can own your part and name the impact.
You can hold a boundary and honor the other person’s experience.
You can regret something and still be enough.

Marriage is full of moments where two true things are happening at the same time. “And” is one of the simplest ways to practice that kind of maturity.
Practice This Week
Notice. For three days, just catch how often you use “but” when feelings, responsibility, or need are involved. Write a few down.
Practice the internal version. When shame or harsh self-talk shows up, insert an “and.” Try: “I’m enough and I matter despite…”
Use it once out loud. Choose one lower-stakes conversation and deliberately hold two truths with “and.”

Connect With Us:
Website: MasterYourMarriage.us
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
If you try this and something shifts, even a little, we’d love to hear about it. Reply to this episode or send a note through masteryourmarriage.us.
If you and your partner want help practicing conversations like this, you can book a free 30-minute discovery call at masteryourmarriage.us.
23 min