Midlife with Brooke

When someone we love does something that frustrates or hurts us, it's easy to jump to the worst meaning. Why would they say that? Why don't they appreciate me? Why do they feel that way about the church?

In this episode, Brooke shares a simple phrase that has helped her and her clients trade judgment for compassion: "I've felt like that before." She walks through real examples, from a mom whose little boy had meltdowns, to a gift that never got a thank you, to a husband who didn't want to spend his Saturday at a six year old's birthday party. When we remember our own experiences, we stop needing to control others in order to feel loved, and we make room for honesty, trust, and connection.

But what about when you haven't felt that way before? Brooke talks about the two big ones, politics and religion, and how curiosity, good questions, and seeing people as three dimensional can help us respect someone even when we don't agree. She also shares a leadership framework from Jeff Thompson of the Sorensen Center at BYU, shared on the Follow Him podcast: express love, honor agency, and invite accountability.

In this episode:

• Why "I've felt like that before" calms our own nervous system first
• How empathy helped a mom connect with her son during meltdowns
• Feeling unsure at church, and how our own experiences help us support our kids
• Gifts that don't land, and remembering the ones we didn't love either
• Letting a spouse tell the truth without making it mean he doesn't love your family
• What to do when you can't relate: ask questions and look for the good
• Expressing love, honoring agency, and inviting accountability, including with an adult child's choices

Mentioned in this episode:

• Elder Lynn G. Robbins, "Which Way Do You Face?"
• Jeff Thompson on the Follow Him podcast

Share this episode with someone who'd love it, and sign up for my newsletter at brookeoniki.com for more coaching on your relationships with your adult kids, your husband, and yourself.

Back in high school, Brooke tried out for the drill team and never once practiced the toe touch at the end of the routine. That moment became a lesson she's carried for years: so often we say "I'll do that later" about the things we value most, and life slips by while we wait.

In this short pep talk, Brooke shares stories of women who stopped putting things off and started practicing, and invites you to pick one thing to move toward now.

In this episode:

• Why we delay the things that matter most to us
• Assessing where you are so you can move forward
• Why it's never too late to change a relationship by changing yourself
• Inspiring stories of women learning piano, training for triathlons, climbing peaks, and learning new languages
• How to keep growing and connecting even in seasons of healing
• Remembering that we are creators who can build beautiful lives

What is your toe touch? Now is the best time to start.

Ready to go deeper? Brooke is starting a new Bridges small group coaching program. Email her at [email protected].

Share this episode with someone who'd love it, and sign up for my newsletter at brookeoniki.com for more coaching on your relationships with your adult kids, your husband, and yourself.

Show Notes

When our kids are little, we carry everything. Their jackets, their snacks, their backpacks. We even let them wipe wet hands on our pants. But as they grow, our part gets smaller, and that's exactly how it should be.

In this episode, Brooke explores one simple question that can take the drama out of so many relationships: "What is my part?" Often we fall into one of two camps. We blame the other person for everything, or we take it all on ourselves. Neither is true. We always have some part, and so do they.

Brooke shares a framed photograph she bought for her daughter-in-law's birthday and what happened when she invited her to be honest. She also shares a client's story about baby quilts, a spouse who goes quiet during hard times, and a grown child who asked Mom to stay in an Airbnb.

In this episode:

• What is your part: your thoughts and the story you tell, your feelings and whether you're regulated, your tone and timing, unspoken expectations, and what you allow
• What is not your part: their feelings, choices, tastes, healing, timeline, and how they receive you
• Why staying regulated matters when someone you love shuts down
• How to walk the road with a child going through something hard without taking it over
• Why the answer may look different each time, and the value of seeking revelation

Questions to ask yourself:

• What story am I telling myself about this person?
• What do I expect that I've never said out loud?
• What could I simply ask instead of assume?
• What is mine to carry here?
• Who do I want to be in this relationship?

Ready to go deeper? Brooke is starting a new Bridges small group coaching program. Email her at [email protected].

Share this episode with someone who'd love it, and sign up for my newsletter at brookeoniki.com for more coaching on your relationships with your adult kids, your husband, and yourself.

What if you only need to gather enough for today?

After attending the Restore Conference with my friend Kristen Rutter, I've been thinking about manna. In Exodus 16, the Lord provided bread from heaven for the Israelites, one day at a time. In this episode, I share what the rules of manna can teach us about inspiration, rest, and moving forward without knowing the outcome. I also share client stories of small daily choices that changed relationships, drop by drop.

Reflection questions

Where might manna be showing up in your life right now?

Is there an impression you've been sitting on that might be starting to spoil?

What's one small thing you could do today?

Join Brooke's Nervous System Regulation Class

Wednesday, October 7, from 12:00 to 2:00 PM Mountain Time, online. Learn what happens in your body when you feel dysregulated and how to bring yourself back to a calm, grounded place so you can respond in ways you feel good about. Come live or get the recording to keep forever. $25. Register at the link below. https://brookeoniki.com/emotional-regulation-workshop/

Share this episode with someone who'd love it, and sign up for my newsletter at brookeoniki.com for more coaching on your relationships with your adult kids, your husband, and yourself.

What if fear only exists in the future? When the thing we're afraid of actually shows up, it stops being a fear and becomes a problem to be solved. And you've solved every problem that has come your way so far.

In this episode, Brooke shares why our primitive brain keeps offering us "what ifs," and how our adult brain can step in, calm things down, and remind us that we'll figure it out. She walks through the story of Enoch in Moses 6 and 7, a young man who felt slow of speech and unliked, and who grew into someone whose words moved mountains. She also shares a client who started with a small tiling project and worked her way up to remodeling her whole living room, becoming a different person along the way.

In this episode:

• Why fear resides in the future and problems live in the present
• The Bible Dictionary line that says God has been teaching us not to fear ever since the Fall
• Enoch's calling and how his capacity grew as he stepped forward in faith
• A client's home improvement journey and why real questions come once you begin
• Learning to ride a bike as a picture of how capacity grows through practice
• Theodore Roosevelt's "Man in the Arena" quote, shared by Brené Brown in Daring Greatly
• Brooke's own experience launching a program that nobody signed up for, and choosing to keep going
• Trusting God with our fears for our children and loved ones

A question to consider this week: What's one small thing you could try to move forward, even though it feels scary?

Join Brooke's Nervous System Regulation Class

Wednesday, October 7, from 12:00 to 2:00 PM Mountain Time, online. Learn what happens in your body when you feel dysregulated and how to bring yourself back to a calm, grounded place so you can respond in ways you feel good about. Come live or get the recording to keep forever. $25. Register at the link below. https://brookeoniki.com/emotional-regulation-workshop/

Share this episode with someone who'd love it, and sign up for my newsletter at brookeoniki.com for more coaching on your relationships with your adult kids, your husband, and yourself.

Today I'm talking about a topic I bring up with clients all the time: scarcity versus abundance. We live in a world that tells us there's not enough, not enough time, money, love, recognition. But I've found abundance everywhere I look, in a peach tree that keeps producing every year, in free YouTube tutorials, in the way my heart kept growing with each new baby.

I share three practices that have helped me live more abundantly: quit keeping score, love whoever comes, and believe there's enough love to go around. I also talk honestly about the times I still feel left out or hurt, and how I work through it.

Join me for a live online class on regulating your nervous system on Wednesday, October 7th, noon to 2pm MT. Recording available if you can't make it live. You can register at this link: https://brookeoniki.com/emotional-regulation-workshop/

Share this episode with someone who'd love it, and sign up for my newsletter at brookeoniki.com for more coaching on your relationships with your adult kids, your husband, and yourself.

In the episode, Lenee Fuelling shares the definition of ambiguous loss and many examples of how it shows up in our lives. She lays out her framework for holding ambiguous loss.

1. Notice and name it — Recognize that what you're feeling is a real, legitimate loss, and normalize it. Ambiguous losses are often hidden or unrecognized, even to ourselves, so just naming them brings them "into the light and into the air."
2. Find space to grieve — Make room to sit with the loss, whether through journaling, reflection, or talking with a trusted friend or community. Grieving is what helps "unstick" things so we can adapt and move forward.
3. Practice both/and thinking — Hold two things at once: sadness and gratitude, grief and love. You can be genuinely sad about a loss while also receiving the good that's still present.
4. Look for new meaning — Ask "what does this mean to me right now?" and recognize that meaning shifts over time. What felt devastating years ago may carry a different meaning today.
5. Discover hope through gratitude for ambiguous gains — Notice what's been gained alongside the loss. Lenee's example: her dad's brain injury caused deep pain, but it also led her to research ambiguous loss and find healing and appreciation for what her family has gone through.

Connect with Lenee:

Instagram: leneefuel

Facebook: Lenee Fuelling

Learn More

Join my newsletter, book a free session, read the blog, get more free content at:

This week Brooke steps away from teaching to just tell you about her week. A flashing school zone light that shouldn't have been on. A lost boy on the side of the road. A laugh-filled walk with a friend. A pickleball loss that still felt like a win. A chance conversation with a church service missionary. None of it dramatic, but Brooke makes the case that this is exactly where God shows up, if we're watching for it.

In this episode:

• Why instigating relationships, instead of waiting to be asked, opens more doors for connection
• The nightstand habit that's changed her mornings and evenings
• The six-second kiss (a concept from researcher John Gottman) and what it does for a marriage
• Holding joy and disappointment in the same week without one canceling out the other

Join Brooke's class on regulating your nervous system, Thursday, September 10th at the South Jordan Community Center. $25. You can register here!

https://brookeoniki.com/emotional-regulation-workshop/

Today I'm talking with Camden Hainsworth, a certified ADHD coach who was diagnosed herself at 36, has children with ADHD, and has spent the last several years helping people understand and work with their ADHD brains instead of fighting them.

We talk about what ADHD actually is (it's a difference, not a deficiency), why the nervous system of someone with ADHD can feel like a wobbly skateboard heading downhill, and how that shows up in everyday stress. Camden shares her own diagnosis story, what it was like parenting through burnout before she understood her own brain, and how she coaches parents of grown children with ADHD who want to help without overstepping.

We also get into the difference between helping and enabling, what a repair conversation looks like after a blow up, and why autonomy matters so much for someone with an ADHD brain. Camden leaves us with a powerful reframe: ADHD is a disability, and when we understand it that way, we stop expecting someone to just try harder and start building real support around them.

If you parent, coach, or love someone with ADHD, whether they're seven or thirty seven, this conversation will give you language and tools you can use right away.

In this episode:

• What actually happens in an ADHD brain under stress
• The skateboard metaphor for understanding nervous system regulation
• How to support an adult child with ADHD without taking over their life
• The difference between helping and enabling
• What a genuine repair conversation looks like after conflict
• Why ADHD is best understood as a disability, and why that reframe matters

Connect with Camden:

Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-busy-brained-saint-podcast/id1647973464

Instagram: @kamden_adhd

Website: https://www.kamdenadhdcoaching.com/

Also mentioned in this episode:

Join us for my in person class on nervous system regulation, September 10th at the South Jordan Community Center. Link to register https://brookeoniki.com/emotional-regulation-workshop/

Let me know if you'd like a shorter version for social captions, or if you want me to pull a few standalone quote graphics from the conversation.

Five things I've learned working in the Utah State Prison:

1. People are good. Treating people with respect, even when their problems seem small compared to what they're facing, opens the door to real connection.
2. We are not our worst mistake. That mistake is part of our story, but it doesn't have to define who we are.
3. Extending grace to others helps us move toward our own healing. The inmates who let go of anger toward their parents seem to move forward more easily.
4. We always have the power to choose. Kindness, our language, whether we fight. We don't have to wait for some future date to start living what we value.
5. Real change is about you and your relationship with God, not about convincing other people you've changed. Lasting change comes from wanting to be different, not from proving it to someone else.

Also mentioned:

Join Brooke for a live in person class on nervous system regulation, Thursday, September 10th at the South Jordan Community Center. $25. You can learn more about it and sign up here: https://brookeoniki.com/emotional-regulation-workshop/