The Mother-in-Law Series: New Traditions

Welcome to week four of the Mother-in-Law Series. If you haven't caught the earlier episodes, go back and start with weddings. And if you're new here, one of the women I interviewed said something I keep coming back to: joining a family is like moving to another country. You don't know the customs, the language, or the traditions. So we get to decide, will we be the friendly local, or border control?

This week is about new traditions, and why welcoming someone in means more than folding her into the way things have always been done.

In this episode:

• Seeing a daughter-in-law's arrival as a gain instead of a loss, and how that shifts everything else
• The Christmas stocking and matching pajamas story: small effort, huge message
• A mother-in-law with only sons who started making Easter bonnets with her daughters-in-law
• Holding the purpose of a tradition tightly and the format loosely, including how our Christmas date, our vacations, and even our old scripture study tradition have evolved over the years
• Releasing the ledger: why things don't have to be even, and why scorekeeping adds stress instead of connection
• Honoring her family too, including a story about getting to know my son-in-law's family before he and my daughter moved to DC
• Brookefest, my own tradition of one-on-one time with each of my kids and their spouses, and other ideas for building a relationship that's just between the two of you

My question for you this week: what tradition might you need to bend to be more accommodating, and what new one could you start?

Next week is the final episode in this series, and it's for anyone whose relationship already feels hard. If that's you, don't miss it.

Share this episode with someone who'd love it, and sign up for my newsletter at brookeoniki.com for more coaching on your relationships with your adult kids, your husband, and yourself.

Midlife with Brooke, Episode 3 of 5

We are back for week three of the mother-in-law series. We started with weddings, then talked about being the fun aunt instead of another mother. This week is all about service, the kind that actually helps and the kind that (even with the best intentions) can create distance instead of connection.

As I was preparing for this episode I interviewed women in their late 20s to early 30s about their mother-in-law relationships, and their stories shaped everything we talk about today. One line has stuck with me through this whole series: joining a new family is like moving to another country. As the mother-in-law we get to decide if we are the friendly local who helps someone acclimate, or border control.

One size doesn't fit all. My mom used to come over and immediately start doing dishes and laundry, asking me where everything went, and my anxiety would spike every time. My sisters loved that same instinct in her. Same mom, same desire to serve, completely different reactions. Help is not received as intended. It is received as it is interpreted.

Be mindful about your reasons for helping. I share a story about a client whose daughter in law kept a messy house. She would clean every time she visited, only to come back to a mess again. Eventually we realized the real question was not "how do I get her to keep it clean," it was "am I serving her, or am I trying to make her into someone more comfortable for me."

Believe them. If she tells you she does not need help in the kitchen, believe her. If your kids ask you to scale back on Christmas gifts, believe them too. I talk about my own tendency to overbuy and why that usually comes from scarcity, not love.

Tell the truth back. Believing them goes both directions. I share a recent moment with my son, where being honest about what would actually help me (instead of just saying yes to watching my granddaughter) built more trust, not less.

Do some quiet noticing. Filling up a gas tank. Washing the suitcase full of dirty clothes before the grandkids go home. A text that says "you're doing such a great job." These small, unrequested things often land more than the grand gestures.

Honor her boundaries, even the ones that do not make sense to you. I tell the story of a friend who babysits her grandkids full time and gets a long list of rules from her daughter. Her response: if you want a daycare provider, hire one, but I am the grandma, and sometimes we are going to have ice cream for breakfast. Boundaries take honesty on both sides, and they take a regulated nervous system to talk through well.

What is one thing I could quietly notice this month to support my daughter in law?

1. One size doesn't fit all
2. Be mindful about your reasons for helping
3. Believe them
4. Be honest when they ask your true feelings
5. Do some quiet noticing
6. Honor boundaries and communicate with love

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This is week two of a five part series on our relationship with our daughters-in-law. Last week we talked about weddings. If you missed it, you can go back and listen to that one too!

This week is about a shift in how we think about our role. One of my daughters told me an idea that really resonated with me. She said a daughter-in-law isn't looking for another mother. She already has one. What she's looking for is more like a fun aunt. Someone who's interested in her, who enjoys her company, who doesn't carry any expectations.

I talk about what that actually looks like. What it means to step back from being the expert on our sons, even when we genuinely think our experience could help. I share a story a friend told me about trying to pass on everything she'd learned about her son's struggles to his new wife, and how that landed differently than she expected.

We also get into some real, practical ideas. Texts that feel like support instead of pressure. Small gestures that say I see you as your own person. And a few sweet stories from the young women I interviewed.

If you want weekly thoughts like this sent straight to your inbox, head to brookeoniki.com and join my newsletter. It's called Real Moms, Real Talk, and I'd love to have you there.

Welcome to the first episode of my Mother-in-Law Series. In preparation, I interviewed women in their mid 20s to early 30s about their mothers-in-law, and one of them said something profound: joining a new family is like moving to another country. You don't know the customs or the language. So we (as the mothers-in-law) get to decide, will I be a friendly local or border control?

In this 5 episode series, we're starting with weddings, because that's often where this relationship begins, and where hurt feelings can begin too. I share my own wedding regret: I tried so hard not to burden my mom that she ended up feeling left out, and it took us years to talk about it.

In this episode:

• Why there's pain on both sides of wedding planning, and why it's usually a communication gap, not a character flaw
• Taking care of your own emotional needs first so you're not easily derailed
• A client's mid-wedding turnaround, and the question that changed her day: who do I want to be in this relationship?
• You're not the first family anymore. If you want to work on a marriage, work on the one you're in.
• Grace from every angle, including for the bride whose brain isn't fully done cooking yet
• Every wedding is different: ask, then believe the answers

If a past wedding still stings, stick with me. Episode 5 of this series is for you.

Free Resources: Visit www.brookeoniki.com and click "Free Resources" for short videos on how to stop spiraling thoughts, how to reconnect after a hard interaction with your child, and how to calm an elevated nervous system.

A new Bridges group just started! Learn more about group coaching, or book a consult call to explore private coaching, at www.brookeoniki.com . Click the "Work with Me" tab!

Two inmates. The same caseworker. One thinks she's amazing; the other thinks she shouldn't even have a job. So which is it?

In this episode, I share stories from my coaching classes at the Utah State Prison that perfectly illustrate one of the most foundational principles in coaching: our thoughts — not our circumstances — create our feelings. The same sentencing, the same caseworker, the same camping trip, the same child, the same bank account can produce completely different emotional experiences depending on the thoughts we choose to have about them.

But here's what this episode is not about: rushing to swap your thought for a shinier one. Before we ever change a thought, we need awareness of what our current thoughts are creating for us — in our relationships, our identity, and the meaning we give to our lives.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why circumstances (a sentencing, a caseworker, a "difficult" child) are neutral until we have a thought about them
• The important caveat: thoughts create feelings in a regulated nervous system — and why we need to calm down before we can access our adult brain
• Why "thoughts are optional" doesn't mean lying to yourself or pretending everything is rainbows and daisies
• How our thoughts become self-fulfilling prophecies — like the mom who was grumpy with her "grumpy" daughter
• How thoughts confirm our existing beliefs, so our brain only gathers evidence for what we already think
• The three areas where heavy thoughts do the most damage: our relationships, our identity stories ("it's too late for me to change"), and the meaning we load onto circumstances
• Why sitting with a thought — on paper or in prayer — is where the transformation actually begins

Your invitation this week: pick one relationship that isn't going well and ask yourself, "What are my predominant thoughts about this person, and how do those thoughts make me feel? Is that how I want to feel toward them?"

Resources mentioned:

Free Resources: Visit www.brookeoniki.com and click "Free Resources" for short videos on how to stop spiraling thoughts, how to reconnect after a hard interaction with your child, and how to calm an elevated nervous system.

A new Bridges group just started! Learn more about group coaching, or book a consult call to explore private coaching, at www.brookeoniki.com . Click the "Work with Me" tab!

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Consider What You're Considering: A Lesson from King Mosiah

When King Mosiah's people wanted a new king, he gave them counsel that applies to every decision we make in our families today: "I desire that ye should consider the cause which ye are called to consider" (Mosiah 29:5). In other words — consider what you're considering.

In this episode, I share how a family home evening lesson from my dad (and a high school prank gone very wrong) taught my kids this principle, and how it applies to the everyday choices we make in our relationships. Whether it's venting to one family member about another, rescuing our kids from every financial bind, or keeping secrets to "hold the peace," our choices are always creating something — and it's worth asking what.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• The powerful question to ask before any decision: "If I made this same choice 100 times, what would it build?"
• How to identify what you're really seeking when you want something (validation? relief? an ally? security?)
• Why choices that feel good in the moment can create patterns that damage our closest relationships
• The story of how my thought "he's mad at me" was creating resentment in my own marriage — and how I changed it
• A simple three-part framework for considering what you're considering:
• Look in — What am I wanting to feel?
• Look forward — What am I creating?
• Look outward — Who is this affecting?

This tool isn't meant to create guilt or shame — it's meant to build awareness. You can get validation, relief, and connection in ways that don't come at the expense of the people you love.

Free Resources: Visit www.brookeoniki.com and click "Free Resources" for short videos on how to stop spiraling thoughts, how to reconnect after a hard interaction with your child, and how to calm an elevated nervous system.

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What makes Gen Z tick — and why does it feel so hard to connect with them? In this episode, Brooke sits down with Maggon Osmond, owner of Kindness Matters Education, who has spent 20 years working with teens and young adults. Maggon brings a warm, practical perspective to one of the most common struggles her clients face: understanding the generation they're raising.

Maggon works with businesses to help them support and retain their Gen Z workforce, and the lessons translate powerfully into family life. Whether your child is 17 or 32, this conversation will help you understand why they see the world so differently — and what you can actually do about it.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• A quick breakdown of each generation and what shaped them
• Why COVID-19 fundamentally changed how Gen Z sees rules, systems, and the future
• The 8 core fears Gen Z carries into workplaces — and into your home
• Why constant digital connection amplifies anxiety and makes conflict harder to resolve
• What "building the dock" means and how to create a safe counterculture in your home
• The high love + high expectation framework and why both halves are non-negotiable
• How your role shifts when your kids become adults — and what it looks like to be their encourager instead of their manager
• Why fear-based parenting masquerades as control, and how to choose faith instead

Key quote from this episode:

"If we thought of this world as a classroom, not a courtroom, we would do ourselves a lot of good in every aspect of our lives." — Megan Osman

Connect with Maggon Osmond:

Kindness Matters EDU

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Have you ever put off cleaning your bathrooms because you didn't have time for a deep clean? Or held back a creative project because it wasn't quite ready? Or avoided a hard conversation because the timing wasn't perfect?

That's perfectionism in disguise and it's keeping you stuck.

In this episode, Brooke introduces one of her favorite concepts: B-minus work. A B-minus is a passing grade, and it turns out that consistently doing good enough is almost always more effective than waiting for perfect conditions that rarely arrive.

In this episode Brooke covers:

• What B-minus work is and why it's not the same as settling
• How perfectionism is really a form of self-protection and avoidance
• Why consistency over time beats occasional perfection every single time
• How B-minus work shows up in creativity, mental health, cleaning, scripture study, parenting, relationships, and health
• The 80/20 principle applied to eating and movement
• When A-plus work actually is required — and why most of life isn't that
• The garden story that perfectly illustrates why imperfect action beats perfect inaction

Key takeaway:

20 minutes of cleaning is infinitely better than zero minutes. An imperfect apology repairs more than the perfect conversation you never have. A B-minus podcast published every week builds more trust than a perfect one that never comes out.

Done beats perfect. Every time.

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My husband was making cookies. He's done it dozens of times. And I still couldn't keep my mouth shut about the butter.

That moment introduced me — again — to a concept from leadership researcher Liz Wiseman: the difference between multipliers and diminishers. Wiseman was studying corporations. But she was describing our families.

In this episode we talk about the gatekeeper's paradox, the most dangerous quadrant of love, and the difference between love that grows people and love that simply keeps them safe. Plus a Larry Wilson quote from the April 2012 General Conference that I have never been able to shake.

The question this episode asks is simple. The answer is harder: does your presence make the people around you more — or less?

Quote of the Episode "Compulsion builds resentment. It conveys mistrust, and it makes people feel incompetent. Learning opportunities are lost when controlling persons pridefully assume they have all the right answers for others." — Elder Larry Wilson, April 2012 General Conference

Resources Mentioned

• Multipliers by Liz Wiseman
• Diana Baumrind's four quadrants of parenting
• Elder Larry Wilson, April 2012 General Conference

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We live in a world designed for comfort — same-day delivery, instant answers, and climate-controlled rooms. But what happens when that instinct for ease bleeds into our most important relationships? In this episode, Brooke explores what it means to expand your zone of relational discomfort and why staying in the hard moments might be the most loving thing you can do.

Drawing on a yoga metaphor that will stick with you, Brooke unpacks what it looks like to "breathe into the stretch" — not just on the mat, but in the conversations you've been avoiding, the friendships you've been pulling back from, and the moments with your kids where your instinct is to fix, escape, or shut down.

In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why our brains are wired to run from relational discomfort — and why running is costing us more than we realize
• The difference between protecting your child and protecting yourself from watching them hurt
• A powerful coaching example about a woman who kept hanging up on her sister — and what happened when she was challenged to stay on the line
• Brooke's personal story about her son Connor's devastating basketball season, and the quiet message that steady, ordinary love sends
• Her cousin Julie's experience navigating grief after losing her husband — and the profound truth that we can't take someone else's pain away

Practical tools to expand your zone of discomfort:

1. Notice the urge before you act on it
2. Use your breath — slow it down
3. Ask one more question before you react
4. Look for the grain of truth in what stings most
5. Show up the morning after — love them the same, let the sun rise

Discomfort in a relationship isn't a sign something is wrong. It's often a sign something real is happening — something worth staying for.

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