Parenting Post-Wilderness: Parenting a Struggling Teen Before, During and After Treatment

“An adolescent brain, it is what it is for a reason”- Brittney King

The teenage years can feel like a rollercoaster. One moment your young teen is playing it cool, and the next, they’re literally rolling on the ground pretending to be a dog. Sound familiar? In this week’s episode, I sit down with Brittney King, a licensed counselor, mom of five, and creator of the Think Good Feel Good online courses, to dive into the world of teens, particularly those in Junior High, aged 11-15. 

“It’s such a key time for parents ... to be a guiding force.” - Brittney King

Brittney has a unique insight into our teen’s brain development throughout these years and why this unpredictable phase is so crucial for their development, and for us as parents. Their unpredictability can feel frustrating for us as parents (I’m not the only one who thinks sometimes ‘WHAT am I going to do with my teen?!’, right?) but understanding the teenage brain can help us be more tolerant of our kids as they explore, learn, and develop. 

One thing Brittney has learned from being a counselor is that there is not one teenager out there who’s not struggling with something. What surprised her the most was how much they want to talk to adults about their problems. They don’t always show it and they certainly want some independence but that doesn’t mean they don’t need you to still be there and helping and supporting them through it. 

“Teachers, coaches, therapists, they will come and go. But there is no substitute for caring and intentional parenting.” - Brittney King

It’s not about being a perfect parent or trying to be their therapist (they’ll see right through you!). What they care about is you connecting with them. They care about whether you’re showing up for them and whether they truly believe that you are there for them unconditionally, even when they don’t know how to ask for it.

Let’s hear more invaluable wisdom from Brittney in today’s episode.

In this episode on the brain development of teenagers, we cover:

• Why unpredictability is actually part of teen brain development;
• The importance of being a guiding force;
• How to connect with your teen without trying to “fix” them;
• The difference between helping and letting your teen solve their own problems;
• The importance of developing emotional intelligence for parents raising teens;
• What does it mean to be a safe person for your teen to open up to?;
• What teens are looking for in their parents;
• And more!

Need support?

🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

Links & resources mentioned in this episode:

• You can reach out to Brittney on her website brittneykingcoaching.com or send her an email at [email protected]
• Get 50% off the Think Good Feel Good online course bundle for parents and teens with promo code: bethcoaching
• Research by Donald Winnicott: Good Enough Parenting
• Book by Ellen Galinsky: The Breakthrough Years 

You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

What if improving your relationship with your teen starts with changing yourself?

Are you willing to look at your own behavior to improve your relationship with your teen? If you know me at all, you know I truly believe the change begins with us. In this episode, Seth and I dive deeper into what that actually means for you as a parent. 

Seth dropped quite the truth bomb in this episode: "None of us is perfect in how we relate to everybody." And isn't that the crux of it? We go into situations armed with a laundry list of demands and expectations for our teens or partners, but how often do we take a step back and ask ourselves if we’re holding up our end of the bargain?

Here’s the thing—no one wants to change when they feel attacked. Think about it: How would you feel if your teen came at you with a list of your shortcomings? You’d probably get defensive, right? Well, guess what? Your teen feels the same way. 

“If I’m asking someone else to be honest, I better look in the mirror and just ask myself ‘How honest am I being?’” - Beth Hillman 

Real change starts when we’re willing to look in the mirror and look at our own part first - a little self-reflection I challenge you to do as we explore these ideas in this week’s episode. Let’s dive in.

In this episode on improving your relationship with your struggling teen through self-awareness, we discuss:

• Self-Awareness in Parenting: Recognizing your own weaknesses and how they impact your relationships, especially with your struggling teen;
• The Importance of Mutual Respect: Understanding that in any relationship, there must be a balance of give and take;
• Avoiding an Authoritarian Approach: Realizing that setting rigid expectations and demands without self-reflection won't foster positive change in your teen;
• Owning Your Role: Accepting responsibility for your part in the relationship dynamic and being open to self-improvement;
• Effective Communication: Emphasizing the need to clearly communicate your needs to avoid resentment;
• And more!

Need support?

🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

Have you ever snapped at your partner or your teen over something small, not really sure why you overreacted? Or like no matter how much sleep you get or how many cups of coffee you drink, there’s still a part of you that feels completely drained? 

Oof, believe me, you’re not alone. In this episode, Seth and I dive deep into a topic that resonates with every parent: understanding our limits and how to recognize when we’re stretched too thin.

We often fill our days with obligations or even fun activities that keep us busy, but rarely do we pause to ask, “How am I really doing emotionally, physically, mentally, relationally, and spiritually?”

“A lot of times when there’s emotional stress in my life, I’m giving out a ton of emotional energy, but I don’t realize the physical toll it’s taking on me.” - Seth Gottlieb

It’s a reality many of us parents face: We push ourselves beyond our physical and emotional limits without even noticing the signs our bodies are sending us.

Have you ever noticed how your energy automatically flows to your obligations? Work, your teen, … you name it. But what happens when our personal cup is empty? That’s when we tend to overreact to minor inconveniences, not because of the small things themselves, but because we are simply exhausted. And it’s hard not to let this exhaustion seep into our family dynamics, leading to unhealthy interactions.

Seth and I break down how to become more self-aware and communicate your current emotional bandwidth to your partner and children. Don’t get me wrong, this is not about always being positive or suppressing emotions. It's about recognizing what's really going on inside you and being honest about it. Because let’s be real: until we’re fully taking care of ourselves, we can’t be fully present for others.

But self-awareness takes practice. It requires us to pause and check in with ourselves regularly. Are we really okay, or are we just telling ourselves we are? What activities genuinely fill our buckets, and which ones are simply distractions?

Let’s explore this more together in today’s episode!

In this episode on becoming aware of our own limits as parents, we discuss:

• Recognizing our own physical, emotional, mental, relational, and spiritual limits as parents;
• Understanding how our capacity can impact those around us;
• The cost for ourselves and our families of Ignoring our needs as parents;
• The connection between physical and emotional energy and how this impacts our behavior and family dynamics.
• Differentiating between enjoyable and restorative activities;
• Having empathy for the energy needs of others, especially our struggling teens;
• Learning to communicate our current emotional state and limitations to our family members;
• Building healthier interactions within the family by understanding and managing our own energy levels;
• How self-regulation and self-awareness are key to being the best parent we can be.

Need support?

🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

As parents, it’s natural to want to do everything we can to support our struggling teens or young adults. But where do we draw the line between encouraging them to grow and enabling them to remain dependent? 

It’s a delicate balance and I’m joined again by therapist Trevor Allen to dive into one of the more challenging questions for any parent: How do we figure out what our teens are truly capable of?

How much should you be doing for your kids? Should you be doing something for them when they can do it themselves? 

It’s tempting to step in and help, especially when you see your teen struggling. But here’s the catch: by doing too much, we might be taking away the very opportunities they need to learn, grow, and mature. 

Because the truth is: growth happens in the struggle. 

It’s in those moments of challenge and difficulty that our teens build resilience and develop the skills they’ll need for life.

In this episode, we also explore the concept of self-efficacy, or the belief in one’s ability to succeed.

“As parents, we have to somehow be able to open up the possibility of them actually being successful, which does open up the possibility of them failing again. But we have to be willing to open up a certain amount” - Beth Hillman

It’s a tricky balance, but it’s essential for their growth. 

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering how much is too much when it comes to helping your teen, this episode is for you. Trevor and I unpack these complex questions and offer practical insights on how to support your teen in a way that empowers them to take charge of their own life. 

In this episode on encouraging vs. enabling, we discuss:

• How can you determine what your struggling teen or young adult is capable of in order to set appropriate expectations and boundaries based on their capabilities?;
• How to decide how much you can help your teen without enabling dependency;
• The growth that comes from struggle and the importance of allowing your teen to face challenges independently;
• Avoiding the mindset of “they’re not doing it, so they can’t do it,” and recognizing when your actions cross the line from supportive to enabling;
• The importance of getting to know your child deeply to understand what they truly need, rather than focusing on getting them to do more or less;
• How you can help your teen without doing things entirely for them by taking baby steps out of enabling;
• Your role as a parent in helping your teen build the necessary skills to overcome their challenges without overwhelming them;
• The need for you to open up the possibility of your teen being successful, even if it means risking failure;
• The importance of self-efficacy and its role in your teen’s development.

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

You want your teen to be sober, don’t you? But aren’t you focusing on the wrong goal by expecting your teen not to drink any alcohol or take any substances? And what does being sober actually mean? Does it mean the same thing to you as it does to your teen?

“Progress, navigation, experimentation, these are normal parts of teenage and young-adult life” - Seth Gottlieb

Sobriety is a complex topic and I’m grateful to be having a deep discussion with Seth today, who has some interesting takes while sharing about his own thoughts and feelings from his path to sobriety.

Here’s one big takeaway from today’s episode: We have to remember the goal. Is the goal to check a box, out of fear and insecurity? Or is the goal a happy and healthy teen?

“There’s this one little piece, [sobriety] and if we focus on that piece, … you’re missing the entire context of other things that they’re accomplishing and other progress they’re making in their lives” - Beth

As parents, we often go black and white. Sober or addict. I get that. First of all, I’ve been there. Second of all, we’re often dealing with very young brains and it feels like there’s so much at stake!

But what if they need this experimentation to figure out whether or not this is something that can be a part of their life?

Join us today in this discussion about what sobriety means, to you and to your struggling teen, and whether it should be a goal to strive for or not.

In this episode on what it means to be sober and whether it’s really that important, we discuss:

• A multiple pathways approach versus a one-shoe-fits-all, abstinence policy;
• Focussing on the root cause versus the symptom of drinking or using drugs;
• Creating a safe space for your teen to confide in you;
• What does sobriety mean to you? And what does it mean to your teen?;
• Is sobriety a good goal to strive for or should we be focusing on something else?;
• And much more!

Need support?

🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

Why doesn’t your teen learn from their mistakes? Or admit when they’re wrong? Why can’t they just act like an adult? If you’ve ever wondered about any of these, you’re not alone. To answer these questions, we’re diving into the world of teenage brain development and what it means for us as parents. Spoiler alert: it’s not as straightforward as you think.

Whenever your teen is acting out, you might think “In what world do you think this is okay?” Here’s our take: In the world where they thought they wouldn’t get caught and in the world where they never experienced this before. This highlights a key issue: teens lack the life experience and brain development necessary to foresee consequences and regulate their emotions consistently.

Here’s the thing: The human brain isn't fully developed until around the age of 25.

This means that emotional regulation is inconsistent, at best. Your teen is in the process of learning but hasn't mastered how to handle intense emotions yet. Reacting impulsively or avoiding situations altogether is a normal part of this learning curve. Growing the brain takes experience. It's through real-world consequences—whether legal, parental, or social—that they start to understand what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t.

One of the biggest challenges we face as parents is letting our kids gain these experiences, especially when they come back from treatment. We see them physically growing up and get smarter, so it’s easy to forget they aren’t adults yet. They might look and sometimes sound like it, but their brains are still catching up.

"If they haven’t had a lived experience in a certain thing, I don’t know how they would actually know"- Beth Hillman

By understanding your teen’s developmental stage, you can better support them become independent adults. Let’s discuss all of this more in today’s episode.

In this episode on why your teen isn’t acting like an adult, we discuss:

• How the human brain isn't fully developed until around the age of 25;
• The only way our teens learn what is acceptable and accepted, and what isn’t, is through real-world life experience;
• The difference between a controlled environment and being controlling;
• The importance of setting boundaries and enforcing consequences to guide behavior.
• How teens' survival brain impacts their decision-making, often leading to impulsive actions;
• Teens are still learning how to manage intense emotions;
• And more!
  
  

Need support?
🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

“Parents have so much influence on their child’s concept of themselves.” -  Ciara

What if your struggling teen could look at themselves with hope and confidence, knowing they have the power to overcome their challenges?

This second conversation with formerly struggling teen Ciara Fanlo is focussed around one main questions: What can parents do to best support their struggling teen?

When asked what her own parents could have done differently, she replied: "Relate to me as someone who was capable, whole, and healed,". It sounds simple, but you and I both know how hard this can be. Yet, it can make all the different to your teen.

"You’re able to hold this vision of them and their life and what’s possible for them even when they maybe can’t see it," Ciara explained. This vision is crucial because, as parents, our belief in our children's potential is everything.

Lacking the life experience to know that there’s always hope, our teens often struggle to see hope in their darkest moments. And it’s our job as their parents to give them this hope. "Parents have so much influence on their child's concept of themselves," Ciara emphasized.

Have a listen now for a unique opportunity to learn from a formerly struggling teen herself!

In this episode on believing in your teen’s potential, we discuss:

• The importance of holding a positive vision for your child’s future;
• Why your teen needs you to instill hope in them;
• The influence you have as a parent on your child’s concept of themselves;
• Can you look at your teen’s struggles as essential for their development instead of a predictor for the rest of their lives?;
• Two helpful reminders on cultivating hope in your struggling teen;
• What could Ciara’s parents have done differently during her teenage years?;
• When your teenager pushes you away and puts their defenses up, they really need you to see beyond that and be there;
• Being willing to take accountability for ways they’ve hurt their child;
• Understanding your teen's state of blame as a coping mechanism due to lack of self-worth;
• What you can do to encourage openness and connection with your struggling teen.

More about Ciara Fanlo

Ciara Fanlo is a former “troubled teen” who now supports struggling adolescents and their families. After recovering from her own challenging years, she founded Homing Instinct to share what she learned from her experiences. Ciara now provides personalized mentorship and coaching for teens as they navigate the transformative and tumultuous journey of becoming a young adult in today’s world. 

Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

From a very young age, Ciara felt like she didn’t belong. Cutting was just one of her destructive behaviors to cope with the pain she felt: not knowing how to be in the world with how sensitive her heart was.

Ciara Fanlo is a previously struggling teen who spent the majority of her adolescence in treatment, including inpatient hospitalization, wilderness, and therapeutic boarding school. Reflecting on her past, she recognizes how sensitive she was as a child and teenager. She often felt like an alien, like she didn’t belong, and couldn't articulate her feelings at this age, constantly wondering, “What is wrong with me?”

“I think what sensitive people really need is nearing and connection. Because it’s so overhwelming at times to feel feelings that deeply and that richly.” - Ciara Fanlo

In this conversation, Ciara offers an intimate look into the thoughts and motivations of a struggling teen who turned to unhealthy and destructive behaviors to cope with her pain.

If you’ve ever wondered, “Why does my teen cut themselves?” or “Why doesn’t my teen go running to release tension instead of using drugs?”, this episode is invaluable for parents like you (and me).

This conversation is your next step towards understanding and supporting your struggling teen.

“You don’t have to fully understand. You can be curious” - Ciara Fanlo

One of the many powerful messages Ciara shares today is that your teen is not acting out to make your life difficult. When you know better, you do better. And just like Ciara at that age, your teen is simply doing what they know.

“My baseline experience of just being in my body in my life was miserable. I felt so low, and so down on myself and I was so insecure and felt this total discomfort. This feeling of everything being wrong, including me. So any time there was some kind of promise of relief from that, I would grab it with both hands” - Ciara Fanlo

I’m incredibly grateful to Ciara for this valuable and vulnerable conversation, providing us a glimpse into the mind of a struggling teen. Have a listen now!

In this episode on why teens turn to destructive behaviors, we discuss:

• A glimpse inside the mind of a struggling teen, her thoughts, and motivations;
• How can you support your sensitive kid or teen?;
• Why would my teen cut themselves?;
• Unshaming our uniqueness;
• How did Ciara get out of her destructive behaviors?;
• Why do our teens cope with unhealthy behavior instead of healthy behavior?;
• Understanding that your teen is not trying to make your life miserable;
• And much more!
  
  

More about Ciara Fanlo
Ciara Fanlo is a former “troubled teen” who now supports struggling adolescents and their families. As a teen, she went through multiple treatment interventions, including inpatient hospitalization, wilderness therapy, and a therapeutic boarding school.

After recovering from those challenging and painful years, she founded Homing Instinct to share what she learned from her experiences. Ciara now provides personalized mentorship and coaching for teens as they navigate the transformative and tumultuous journey of becoming a young adult in today’s world. 

WHY can’t my teen just do what I ask them to do?!

I’m sure you’ve had this thought before, just like any other parent on this planet.

Today, Seth shares a relatable story of a teen who’s not showing up and isn’t showing any motivation for behavioral change. Sounds familiar? Then this episode is for you.

Why do our teens show up like this? Where is this behavior coming from? They’ve signed the home contract after treatment so why are they not following the rules?

“I wasn’t gonna take responsibility for my actions [because] I didn’t need to take responsibility for my actions. I had to learn much later in life how to take responsibility for my actions and what that actually meant. ”
- Seth Gottlieb

To answer these questions, we’re diving into how the teen’s brain works as well as the place where your teen spends most of their time after treatment: at home with you, their parents.

“This is what kids think: If we are not following through on what we say we will do,  then it’s just basically a green light” 
- Beth Hillman

In this episode, we discuss:

• How the brain of your teen works and why they react to boundaries and consequences the way they do;
• The message you’re sending to your teen when you’re not upholding boundaries;
• How teens interpret and respond to parental actions and inactions;
• The pivotal role of parents in modeling and enforcing desired behaviors;
• Tips for creating a consistent and accountable home environment;
• Why I don’t like home contracts and recommend working with a Parent Home Plan instead;
• Helping your teen trust that you do what you say;
• Strategies to build and maintain trust through consistent actions;
• What boundaries are you as a parent actually willing to follow through on?;
• The importance of clear, consistent boundaries and the impact on teen behavior.
  
  

Need support?

🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

“You think you’re doing okay and then you realize ‘How did I miss how much my child was struggling?’” - Hope

Meet the parents from my latest parent coaching group. Eight months ago, these parents went on a 6-month journey with me to influence lasting change in themselves and their struggling teens. Now, they’re bravely sharing their stories, what it means for them to ‘do the work’ as a parent, and much more.

“It was really hard to distinguish what’s teenage behavior, fighting with your mom, or what’s ‘you’re fighting with your mom because you’re so depressed that you just need to feel something.’” - Ella 

These are the parents of teens who struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, and suicide attempts. Teens who’ve been in various kinds of treatment, including in-patient, and wilderness. 

They have been in your shoes. They’ve done the work, and continue doing so. They’ve grown. And they’re here to share.

In this episode on what it means to do the work as a parent, we discuss:

• What was the work these parents had to put in to influence lasting change in themselves and their teens?;
• The stories of these parents and their struggling teens;
• Identifying the facts versus the stories they tell themselves;
• Creating awareness around the part you’re playing;
• Where have these parents grown the most? What are they most proud of?;
• The advice they would give themselves if they could time-travel back to 5 years ago;
• And more!

Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

Support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.