Parenting Post-Wilderness: Parenting a Struggling Teen Before, During and After Treatment

Are you unknowingly sending your teen the message that their best isn’t good enough?

In this episode, we dig into a concept called "pointing positive," a term from river kayaking that can make a big difference in parenting teens through tough times. When we guide our kids toward what they want to achieve, instead of focusing on what they need to fix, we can help them feel more motivated and confident in their journey.

Think about it: if your teen has worked hard to bring their grades up from D’s and F’s to consistent C’s, it’s tempting to ask, “Why aren’t you getting B’s or A’s?” But focusing on what’s still lacking can undermine their progress, even when we mean well. By “pointing positive” and acknowledging their small steps forward, we show them that we see and value their growth, making it easier for them to keep pushing forward.

“If you are honoring the change that has been made, that encourages more change” - Beth Hillman

Seth and I discuss how, as parents, our attention impacts our kids’ motivation. It’s about shifting focus to what’s working, not ignoring reality, but being more mindful. When we highlight the positive changes, no matter how small, we’re reinforcing their resilience and progress.

And remember, change takes time and practice, for both us parents and our struggling teens. Here’s to guiding them forward, one positive step at a time.

In this episode on influencing your teen toward positive change, we discuss:

• Why focusing on the positive is more effective than focusing on the negative;
• How “pointing positive” can guide teens toward what they want to achieve;
• How our attention as parents influences our teen’s motivation to change;
• Simple shifts in word choice to emphasize progress and reinforce growth;
• Why sustainable change often happens in smaller, gradual steps over time;
• And more!

Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.


You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

Ever found yourself reacting strongly to something, even when it seems like “no big deal”? Or maybe, in a tense moment, you freeze or shut down instead of reacting? 

If you’re a parent of a struggling teen, be it addiction, mental health struggles, suicidal ideation  or a different struggle, you’ve probably felt your own heart skip a beat more times than you can count. 

Today, I talk with trauma therapist Sarah Allen about why we sometimes overreact (or shut down) in response to certain triggers and how it all comes down to our bodies trying to protect us.

Sarah breaks down the idea that trauma doesn’t just live in the mind - it lives in the body. Even when our heads know “things are okay,” our nervous systems might still be on high alert, especially if we’ve been through overwhelming experiences with our kids in the past. It’s that part of us that steps in to make sure we don’t go through that kind of pain again. But sometimes, this automatic response can show up as a jolt of panic, a wave of anger, or even a complete shutdown.

As parents, we’re human too. And with the right tools and support, we can navigate our own responses, even when this journey with our kids takes us through some incredibly challenging terrain.

In this episode on understanding trauma responses in parents of struggling teens, we explore:

• Why our bodies sometimes react before our minds even have a chance;
• How trauma can make it hard to know what’s truly safe or dangerous;
• What over- and under-responses look like as a parent of a struggling teen in treatment or recovery;
• How to bring self-compassion to the way we show up, even if it’s not perfect;
• Different therapeutic approaches, including tips for finding the right fit for you or your family;
• And much more!

Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

Fear has a sneaky way of impacting our brains, pushing us toward avoiding what feels uncomfortable instead of working through it. For many of us, fear makes us want to avoid the situation, but doing that keeps us from working through what needs to be done.

It’s important to understand that fear is an emotion that comes and goes, just like other emotions. But what does fear bring up in us as parents, and in our struggling teens? Thinking back to the time before our son went to wilderness, I remember thinking ‘There’s nothing to be done. We’ve lost him.’ My brain was giving up on him out of fear.

“I think fear basically stalls people out” - Beth Hillman

So how can you face fear? How can you bring it with you, allowing it to take place in the passenger’s seat instead of taking over the wheel? We’re talking all about it in today’s episode.

In this episode, we discuss:

• What fear does to us as parents and how to recognize its impact;
• The kinds of fear our teens might experience, especially coming out of treatment;
• What helps parents and teens work through their fears?;
• Practical strategies for parents to manage their own fears while supporting their teens;
• How understanding love languages can help us better understand our struggling teens;
• And much more

Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.


You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

It’s easy to forget to prioritize ourselves as parents, especially when our children are struggling. In this episode, Seth and I dive into the emotional balancing act of parenting a teen in treatment while still finding time for self-care. It’s common to feel guilty for taking care of yourself, especially when your child is away in treatment. Whether you feel guilty about telling your kid that you had a good day while they’re in treatment, or it feels exhausting to you to always be 'on' as a solo parent, it’s crucial to make time for self-care.

“It’s one of the hardest asks, but it’s so important to be intentional about [self-care]” - Beth Hillman

But filling your own cup isn’t just crucial for yourself, but also for your teen. The way you find balance and make time for self-care can be a great model for your child, even if they don’t show appreciation right away.

If you've ever felt guilty for having a good day or wondered how to balance taking care of yourself while being there for your child, this episode is for you.

In this episode on self-care for parents, we discuss:

• The emotional guilt parents feel when taking care of themselves while their teen is in treatment;
• The importance of self-care for parents and how it affects your ability to support your child;
• How modeling self-care can project its importance to your child;
• Balancing self-care with parenting responsibilities;
• What does true self-care look like for parents?;
• The 3 main ways to fill you cup and practice self-care as a parent;
• And more!

Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

Your teen appears calm and composed with their therapist but displays anger or aggression at home, how frustrating!? It feels like you're dealing with two completely different versions of the same person.

In this episode, Seth and I explore the challenge of handling teens who have been through enough therapy to know exactly what to say to 'work the system.' While their providers see one side, you as a parent experience something entirely different. We’ll talk about how to navigate these mixed signals, how actions often speak louder than words, and how you can open up this conversation with your teen. Have a listen!

In this episode, we discuss:

• Teens showing different behaviors at home vs. in therapy;
• The frustration parents feel when their child “works the system.”;
• Actions as a more accurate reflection of what's really happening;
• Opening the conversation between your teen, their therapist, and you;
• Why your teen might feel the need to present themselves differently with their providers;
• And more!

Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

Balancing the need for rules with the desire for connection can be incredibly challenging when parenting teens. In this episode, therapist Trevor Allen and I dive into the complex dynamics of rules versus boundaries versus expectations and how to navigate them in a way that promotes healthy relationships.

We discuss the confusion that can arise when trying to balance control and support, particularly when parenting a struggling teen. It’s not just about setting strict rules but more about understanding how to teach our kids how to treat us through our own actions and the boundaries we set. We want to influence without trying to control, allowing for growth while maintaining a healthy home environment.

One key takeaway from our conversation is that zero-tolerance policies can set kids up for failure, particularly when dealing with issues like addiction. So let’s explore other options in today’s episode. 

“If I lived with anybody and ALL they could see are the things that are problematic that I’m doing, I would have a really hard time being around that person. I think that’s a relationship destroyer” - Trevor Allen

If you’re wondering how to create a supportive yet structured environment for your child without taking their choices personally, this episode is for you.

In this episode on rules vs. boundaries vs. expectations, we discuss: 

• The differences between rules, boundaries, and expectations in parenting;
• How to influence your struggling teen without controlling them;
• Managing yourself and maintaining a healthy home environment;
• Supporting your teen despite poor decisions and bad behavior;
• The importance of focusing on what you do, not just what you say;
• Why controlling the situation by controlling your teen doesn’t work;
• Being consistent with rules vs. being flexible to meet your teen’s needs;
• The impact of only seeing the negative and how to shift focus to positive progress;
• Why nuance and flexibility in rules can improve family dynamics.

Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.


You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

What’s it actually like for your teen to be in wilderness or other treatment?

As parents, we can never truly know. But today’s guest, Ciara Fanlo, has been through it herself. According to her, the emotional stages our teens go through in treatment are very similar to the seven stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance & hope, and processing grief. 

So what does that look like for your teen? In this episode, Ciara shares her thoughts and experiences going through each of these steps. Like when she was going through the ‘denial’ phase and remembers thinking: “There’s no way I’ll be staying here for 12 weeks. My mom loves me, when I write her there’s no way she’s going to let me stay that long.”

I cannot describe how valuable it is to actually hear the thoughts of someone who’s been through it all themselves, as a teen. Tune in to hear Ciara’s mindblowing insights.

In this episode, we discuss:

• The emotional stages your teen or young adult will experience in treatment, similar to the 7 stages of grief;
• How shock affects both teens and parents when entering treatment;
• Why resistance and anger can be healthy steps in the process;
• Processing grief over lost time and emotional struggles.
• How to manage your own expectations as a parent through the ups and downs
• The importance of letting your teen move through these stages at their own pace

Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

More about Ciara Fanlo

Ciara Fanlo is a former “troubled teen” who now supports struggling adolescents and their families. After recovering from her own challenging years, she founded Homing Instinct to share what she learned from her experiences. Ciara now provides personalized mentorship and coaching for teens as they navigate the transformative and tumultuous journey of becoming a young adult in today’s world. 

You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

We all know that feeling when something doesn’t sit right, but we shrug it off, telling ourselves, “It’s not a big deal.” Yet, over time, those little moments of unspoken frustration build up, slowly shrinking our emotional bandwidth until we snap over the tiniest thing. Whether it's a parent feeling taken for granted or a struggling teen wondering why they’re the only one doing all the hard work, resentment can do a lot of harm when left unchecked.

In this episode, Seth and I tackle the tricky topic of resentment, how it sneaks up on us as parents and what we can do about it before it takes over, as well as the resentment our struggling teens might feel, especially those who have been in treatment.

“A lot of my resentment comes from an unrealistic expectation that I have of somebody else that I have not yet expressed.” - Seth Gottlieb

The truth is, resentment often grows from unspoken expectations and emotions. I share my journey of being the passive parent until my resentment boiled over, and Seth explains why teens, too, feel resentful when they’re the only ones expected to change or feel like they’re the only ones putting in all the work.

In this episode on resentment between parents and teens, we discuss:

• How resentment builds and why we often ignore it until it’s too late;
• The importance of being emotionally honest with ourselves and our loved ones;
• Why struggling teens may feel resentment towards us, especially those who have been in treatment;
• How resentment can be an indicator that you’re not staying true to your values as a parent;
• Strategies to prevent resentment by communicating expectations clearly and consistently;
• And much more!

Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

Related podcast episodes:
102. Why Your Teen Isn’t Acting Like an Adult
66. How To Bring Up Backburner Issues With Tanya Hale

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

We are all wired to avoid uncomfortable feelings. We instinctively shy away from discomfort, parents and teens alike. Whether it’s solving a problem for our kids, distracting ourselves from uncomfortable feelings, or we’re trying to save the day, we often act to avoid the tension. But here’s the hard truth: our teens need to experience that discomfort in order to grow. In this episode, Seth and I explore why learning to sit with emotional unease, both for ourselves and our teens or young adults, is key to developing resilience and problem-solving skills.

As parents, it’s all too easy to step in and “rescue” our kids when they’re struggling. But where’s the line between helping and enabling? Is stepping in actually saving them from distress, or is it preventing them from learning how to handle their own emotions? I share a story from one of my clients about how a teen’s persistent pushback led the parent to second-guess their boundaries, ultimately giving in to avoid discomfort. It’s a common trap, but real growth happens when we, as parents, can sit with that unease a little longer than our kids, helping them build the skills they need to handle life’s emotional challenges.

In this episode on learning to sit with discomfort, we explore:

• How long can you tolerate emotional discomfort before feeling the need to act?;
• The fine line between helping and enabling your child;
• Why sitting with your own distress can help your child develop problem-solving skills;
• The importance of modeling emotional resilience for your kids;
• How to balance support and structure when parenting teens.

Listen now to learn how to help your teen build emotional resilience and problem-solving skills by managing your own discomfort first!

Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

Co-parenting is hard - there’s no sugarcoating it. In an ideal world, both parents would align perfectly on every decision, from phone use to curfews to navigating friendships. But, as Seth and I explore in this episode, that’s often not the case. 

One of the biggest challenges I often see as a parent coach is when one parent holds firm boundaries while the other is more loose. It can feel like a tug-of-war, and the fear of "losing" your child to the more relaxed parent is real. But here’s the thing: I’ve consistently found that when healthy boundaries are set (and consequences stuck to) with kindness, compassion, and understanding, your child, teen, or young adult will still enjoy being around you. 

You don’t have to undermine your co-parent to uphold your values, and you don’t have to be afraid of the different influences your child is getting from the other parent. Let’s take a deeper look at all of this in today’s episode!

In this episode on co-parenting challenges, we discuss:

• Why you don’t have to be afraid of ‘losing’ your child to the other parent by setting more strict boundaries;
• How to uphold your value system without undermining the other parent;
• The damaging effects of speaking negatively about the other parent or dismissing their boundaries;
• The natural reaction of our brain to blame others and how to turn the reflection back on yourself;
• And much more!

If you ever think to yourself:

• "What do I do if my ex undermines my parenting?"
• "How can I co-parent without putting my child in the middle?"
• "Why does my ex always get to be the fun parent?"
• "Am I losing my child to the other parent by setting strict boundaries?"
• "What’s the best way to co-parent when we don’t agree?"
• "How can I co-parent without conflict?"

…then this episode is for you! Let’s dive in!

Need support?

🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.