Parenting Post-Wilderness: Parenting a Struggling Teen Before, During and After Treatment

How can you best support your struggling teen according to former troubled teens? 

As teens, Hayley and Colin were both sent to wilderness, followed by other treatment (residential treatment center, and therapeutic boarding school). Now, approximately 12 years later, they use their experience as former troubled teens in treatment to provide peer-to-peer coaching for teens and young adults who feel like therapy hasn’t been the right fit or who are transitioning out of therapeutic programs back into the real world.

They vulnerably open up about the intense emotions they faced before, during, and after their treatment journeys, after which we delve into the role of parents during and after treatment. If you’ve ever wondered how you can best support your struggling teen and what things might not be helpful for them at all, this episode is a must-listen.

"How much are the parents actually going to therapy?” - Colin MacDonald

I’m beyond grateful to Colin and Hayley for sharing their unique perspective and giving us a glimpse inside the minds of teens being sent to wilderness and other treatment facilities.

Listen and learn, parents.

In this episode full of parenting tips from former troubled teens, we discuss:

• What does it feel like to be sent away to treatment as a teenager?;
• How can parents support their child before, during, and after treatment?
• What did their parents do that was very helpful for these struggling teens? And what was not helpful at all?;
• How does being sent away to treatment impact family dynamics and sibling relationships?
• Recognizing you don’t know what your child is going through or has gone through in treatment;
• And more.

Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

More about Colin MacDonald and Hayley Caddes

Colin and Hayley are "former troubled teens" who spent their last two years of high school in wilderness and residential treatment programs. Based on their experience, they co-founded Not Therapy to provide peer-to-peer coaching for teens and young adults who feel like therapy hasn’t been the right fit or who are transitioning out of therapeutic programs back into the real world. As young people who have been in their clients’ shoes, their approach is rooted in personal expertise.

Learn more about Not Therapy on their website or blog, connect with them on LinkedIn, or directly book a free call.

Support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

How can you trust your teen is learning and growing even when some behaviors look similar? 

Moving past your teen’s previous behavior can feel hard, especially when they’re showing similar behaviors now. But they’ve been to treatment, and they’re older now, so how can you know whether it’s a repetitive pattern behavior you’re witnessing or whether maybe the same behavior has a completely different motivation behind it?

When something’s unknown, it’s very easy and normal for us to look for a reference, a moment in the past that looked similar. It’s like a trauma response. But it also means we’re operating from a place of fear.

“[As a parent], because I’m just waiting for it, because I just fear so much that you’ll do it again, anything that looks like old behavior feels like a relapse.” - Trevor Allen

And how does this reflect on your struggling teen? Do they feel seen for the person they are now or for the person they used to be? Your trauma response might involuntarily be communicating with your teen that you don’t believe they’ve changed.

“As someone who has gone through these changes, I can personally say, it's hurtful. … It’s hurtful when someone doesn’t see you in the new when you have done all of this work” - Seth Gottlieb

I’m joined today by both Seth Gottlieb and Trevor Allen to shine a light on both the parent perspective and the teen perspective of this delicate topic.

Is your teen really changing? Let’s discuss it in today’s episode.

In this episode on learning how to trust your struggling teen again, we discuss:

• Are you unconsciously waiting for your teen’s maladaptive behavior to happen again?;
• How can you know if your teen is changing?;
• What is true change?;
• The importance of seeing your teen for the individual they are, not the one they were;
• Learning how to trust your teen again;
• And much more!

Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

More about Trevor Allen
Trevor has worked with adolescents and families for 26 years in various roles. He currently is working as a therapist and a coach for adolescents and parents. He and his wife own a private practice called Juniper Hill Counseling & Coaching. 

One of his biggest strengths is a person-centered approach in that he works hard to see the perspective of the client. It is his belief that connection and relationship is intrinsically important and has the secondary benefit that it creates fertile soil for change. 

His family is what is most important to him. In his free time, Trevor enjoys running long distances in the Mountains of Utah.

Support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

We all have difficult relationships in our lives. A difficult relationship for me was the one with my father.

We’re a few days after Father’s Day and I decided to dedicate this episode to my father. In this emotional episode, I’m sharing the talk I gave at my dad’s funeral. I remember how extremely hard it was, wanting to speak to the reality of my childhood and our relationship and at the same time shine a light on some of his good qualities.

“I remember just thinking and crying over how in the world I was going to express my conflicted feelings about [my dad]”  - Beth Hillman

I hope this is helpful for you if you have (or had) a difficult relationship with your father as well. Or with one of your children. Or with anyone else close to you.

Dad, this one is for you.

In this episode on difficult relationships, I share:

• My difficult relationship with my father;
• The talk I gave at my father’s funeral.

Need support?

🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.


Ps. Are you getting great value out of this podcast? It would mean the world to me if you could leave a review on Apple Podcasts. This way, you will help me reach and help more parents of struggling teens develop healthy responses and boundaries instead of acting out of fear and anxiety. You can leave a review by clicking here, scrolling to the bottom, tapping to leave a star rating and then write your review. Thanks so much!

And if you haven’t already done so, make sure to subscribe to our show so you don’t miss any of my future episodes!

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

Have you ever felt stuck in a triangle within your family, where one of you takes on the role of the victim, the other the villain, and another the hero? Maybe good cop, bad cop sounds familiar to you?

This is what we call the drama triangle, or triangulation, and it happens in every single family, whether you have a struggling teen or not. It often becomes a vicious cycle leading to massive problems and dysfunctional dynamics in our family. When one of you falls into their role, it triggers the other family members to take on their role too.

So how can we stop this vicious cycle? 

Let’s start by understanding these roles, why we tend to fall into them, and how this shows up in daily family life. Then, there’s a clear way to get your family out of the drama triangle. I’ll tell you all about it in today’s episode.

In this episode on the drama triangle within family dynamics, we discuss: 

• The roles in a drama triangle;
• Real-life examples of what these roles look like in our families; 
• How to get out of a drama triangle;
• And more!

Need support?

🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.


Ps. Are you getting great value out of this podcast? It would mean the world to me if you could leave a review on Apple Podcasts. This way, you will help me reach and help more parents of struggling teens develop healthy responses and boundaries instead of acting out of fear and anxiety. You can leave a review by clicking here, scrolling to the bottom, tapping to leave a star rating and then write your review. Thanks so much!

And if you haven’t already done so, make sure to subscribe to our show so you don’t miss any of my future episodes!

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

In this deeply personal episode, I share my own journey through the challenges of parenting a son struggling with anger and substance abuse. 

In this crossover episode with People Who Suffer, Andrew McKee interviews me for a change and I’ll walk you through the first signs of my son’s struggles and how my emotions became entangled with his; when he was angry, I was angry. When he was upset, I was upset.

The situation escalated when my son confessed his substance use, disappeared emotionally and physically, and began skipping school, missing 60 days in one semester. 

I know it sounds familiar to many of you when I say that shame overwhelmed me, causing me to shut down as a person and a mother, plagued by thoughts of what I should have done differently. I feared we had lost him. As parents, we were consumed by shame and tried to keep our struggles a secret.

Getting our son into wilderness was a decision that I firmly believe saved my son's life, leading to an incredible shift in my perspective and also many more ups and downs. 

When I realized my own part in my son’s, family’s and my own struggles, and I started working on myself, it completely changed everything. It changes me, it changed my son, and it changed our family. 

Now, years later, I can truly say my sons have a completely different mom emotionally. Have a listen to my personal story which I hope will benefit all of you.

In this episode on how I went from a struggling parent to a parent coach, we discuss:

• My personal story from being a struggling mom of a struggling teen, all the way to being a parent coach;
• The first signs of our son struggling with anger and substance use;
• The shame and guilt I felt as a mom of a struggling teen;
• How we learned about wilderness and got our son in;
• The epiphany needed to change our lives;
• The moment that felt like the beginning of the rest of my life;
• And so much more!

Need support?

🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

Ps. Are you getting great value out of this podcast? It would mean the world to me if you could leave a review on Apple Podcasts. This way, you will help me reach and help more parents of struggling teens develop healthy responses and boundaries instead of acting out of fear and anxiety. You can leave a review by clicking here, scrolling to the bottom, tapping to leave a star rating and then write your review. Thanks so much!

And if you haven’t already done so, make sure to subscribe to our show so you don’t miss any of my future episodes!

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

Why do our teens keep falling back into old habits?

Whether it’s big changes like making healthier life choices or smaller ones like working out more, change is hard! But why? Why is change so hard? 

And at the same time, it’s also hard to watch someone go through the stages of change, isn’t it? When your struggling teen knows their behavior isn’t working for them anymore and they want to change, they’ve taken an incredibly important step in the process of change, but they’re not there yet. Next thing you know, you’re thinking: “Well, if you know, then why aren’t you doing something about it?!”

Today, we’re walking you through the different stages of change and what this can look like. Remember, change is not a linear process and we can’t expect ourselves nor our teens to never fall back into old habits. It’s all part of the process.

So, let’s dive into today’s episode and learn more about how our teens change and how we can support them.


In this episode on how teens change, we discuss:

• How do people change? What stages do we go through when we change?;
• What is your job as the parent while your teen is going through the stages of change;
• The role of shame and guilt;
• Falling back into old behaviors is part of the process of change;
• The all-or-nothing mentality;
• And much more!

Need support?

🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.


Ps. Are you getting great value out of this podcast? It would mean the world to me if you could leave a review on Apple Podcasts. This way, you will help me reach and help more parents of struggling teens develop healthy responses and boundaries instead of acting out of fear and anxiety. You can leave a review by clicking here, scrolling to the bottom, tapping to leave a star rating and then write your review. Thanks so much!

And if you haven’t already done so, make sure to subscribe to our show so you don’t miss any of my future episodes!

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

What can you do as a parent when your teen is refusing therapy? Or when your kid stops engaging in therapy?

I have a question for you, parent: Do you know WHY your struggling teen doesn’t want to go to therapy (anymore)? 

“I think most people really want to rise to what level they can and there’s probably something significant in the way if they’re not rising to that point” - Trevor Allen

Today’s guest, Trevor Allen, helps us see beyond therapy refusal and take a collaborative approach with our struggling teens. As parents we can get hyper fixated on the maladaptive behavior our teen is showing. But are we missing all the things that are going well?

In this episode on therapy refusal, we discuss:

• What’s the appropriate amount of support for an individual? How much is too much?
• Honouring what your struggling teen needs;
• Are you hyperfixating on the maladaptive behavior and missing all the things that are going well?;
• Why is your teen refusing therapy?;
• Is the solution worse than the problem?;
• What happens when a therapist refuses your teen;
• What power do you have as a parent?
• How hard do we push when our teen doesn’t want to;
• And more!

Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

Learn more about this topic in episode 38. Therapeutic Burnout in Teens and Parents.

More about Trevor Allen
Trevor has worked with adolescents and families for 26 years in various roles. He currently is working as a therapist and a coach for adolescents and parents. He and his wife own a private practice called Juniper Hill Counseling & Coaching.

One of his biggest strengths is a person-centered approach in that he works hard to see the perspective of the client. It is his belief that connection and relationship is intrinsically important and has the secondary benefit that it creates fertile soil for change.

His family is what is most important to him. In his free time, Trevor enjoys running long distances in the Mountains of Utah.


Ps. Are you getting great value out of this podcast? It would mean the world to me if you could leave a review on Apple Podcasts. This way, you will help me reach and help more parents of struggling teens develop healthy responses and boundaries instead of acting out of fear and anxiety. You can leave a review by clicking here, scrolling to the bottom, tapping to leave a star rating and then write your review. Thanks so much!

And if you haven’t already done so, make sure to subscribe to our show so you don’t miss any of my future episodes!

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

What do you do when things aren’t working and it feels like there’s nothing left to be done?

Whether your teen is isolating themselves in their room, refusing to go to school, self-harming, refusing to eat, refusing therapy, or any other negative pattern you find yourself in with your struggling teen, we sometimes reach the point where it feels like there’s nothing else we can do.

You can’t control your teen. You can’t make them go to school or make them stop using substances. And that can feel incredibly discouraging. I remember it did to me… But it can also be the best news ever.

There is a way to get out of these patterns you’re finding yourself in with your struggling teen. It may seem like an impasse but there’s hope. There’s so much hope.

Because even though you can’t control your teen, you can always control yourself.

Let’s dive in!

In this episode on getting out of an impasse with your struggling teen, we discuss:

• Seeing your part and how you’re responsible for your own actions and feelings;
• The difference between fault and responsibility;
• The role of your thoughts, feelings, and actions;
• Understanding which value(s) you want to act from;
• Recognizing and disrupting the unhealthy patterns you’re in with your struggling teen;
• And more!

Need support?

🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

Ps. Are you getting great value out of this podcast? It would mean the world to me if you could leave a review on Apple Podcasts. This way, you will help me reach and help more parents of struggling teens develop healthy responses and boundaries instead of acting out of fear and anxiety. You can leave a review by clicking here, scrolling to the bottom, tapping to leave a star rating and then write your review. Thanks so much!

And if you haven’t already done so, make sure to subscribe to our show so you don’t miss any of my future episodes!

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

Should you support your teen in college if he’s still using? Or let your daughter go to prom when she’s still breaking curfew?

You want to support your teen in healthy behaviors but how do you go about that when they’re still showing maladaptive behaviors? You don’t want to take away activities that have a positive, healthy impact on your teen but at the same time don’t want to ‘reward’ them while they’re still breaking your home agreement, right?

In this episode, Seth and I discuss how you can reinforce a boundary that is a natural consequence of the maladaptive behavior instead of taking away something that’s actually beneficial to your struggling teen. Let’s dive in!

In this episode on supporting your struggling teen in healthy endeavors while they still have maladaptive behaviors, we discuss:

• How can you support your teen in healthy endeavors when they’re still showing maladaptive behavior like using substances, skipping school, or breaking curfew?;
• Reinforcing a boundary that is a natural consequence regarding the unhealthy behavior;
• Following through on our boundaries without emotionally consequencing;
• And more!

Need support?

🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

Ps. Are you getting great value out of this podcast? It would mean the world to me if you could leave a review on Apple Podcasts. This way, you will help me reach and help more parents of struggling teens develop healthy responses and boundaries instead of acting out of fear and anxiety. You can leave a review by clicking here, scrolling to the bottom, tapping to leave a star rating and then write your review. Thanks so much!

And if you haven’t already done so, make sure to subscribe to our show so you don’t miss any of my future episodes!

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

Going back to old patterns is part of the process. 

In a perfect world, we’d change our behavior and never make the same mistake again. And so would our struggling teens. But perfection doesn’t exist, and there’s no such thing as a magic switch that makes everything work out perfectly all of a sudden. 

I know how hard it is to experience a setback yourself or see your teen go through it. But one thing that Seth and I would like you to walk away with today, is that a setback doesn’t mean failure. 

Whether we’re talking about setbacks in communication, substance abuse, coping skills, healthy behavior, or holding healthy boundaries, when we get sidetracked, we often feel like we have to start from scratch again. We think we have completely failed and beat ourselves up. Sometimes it even leads us to give up entirely.

But you’re not starting over. You still have all the experience and work you’ve done before. And you have the opportunity to learn, to reorient yourself back to the path you want to be on in order to move forward. 

Let’s dive into today’s episode on how to keep going after a setback, and learn more about:

• How setbacks are part of the process;
• How a setback doesn’t mean you’re starting from scratch;
• The feeling of discouragement and just wanting to give up sometimes;
• Supporting your teen in getting back on track after a setback;
• Honouring the process of change;
• Keeping your boundaries steady while supporting someone in experiencing a setback;
• And more!

Need support?

🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

Ps. Are you getting great value out of this podcast? It would mean the world to me if you could leave a review on Apple Podcasts. This way, you will help me reach and help more parents of struggling teens develop healthy responses and boundaries instead of acting out of fear and anxiety. You can leave a review by clicking here, scrolling to the bottom, tapping to leave a star rating and then write your review. Thanks so much!

And if you haven’t already done so, make sure to subscribe to our show so you don’t miss any of my future episodes!

And remember parents, the change begins with us.