Ask Rachel anything

When our kids go through their first experience of love and attraction it can bring up a lot of feelings we thought we'd neatly packed away; the intensity of that first crush, the humiliation of not being chosen, the heartbreak that felt like it would swallow us whole. 

As a parent trying to support our kids through it can be tricky because our teens’ first love stories can collide with our own unfinished ones.

In this episode of Teenagers Untangled, I’m joined by professor Lisa Phillips, author of First Love: Guiding Teens Through Relationships and Heartbreak. We explore the complex world of teen behavior surrounding first love and heartbreak. Understanding how our teens express their feelings and the challenges they face can really help us to communicate with them. 

We talk about:

• Why parents often feel a spike in distress when their teen starts dating
• How crushes, “situationships” and breakups affect the developing teenage brain
• The difference between healthy intensity and unhealthy enmeshment
• How to support both boys and girls in talking about their feelings, not just their “results”
• What it means to parent in a world of social media, online porn, nonchalance and loneliness
• How to show up for LGBTQ+ and questioning teens when their identities don’t fit the “straight story”
• Why consent can’t be a tick‑box talk, and how to navigate the grey areas with our kids
• What healthy support after a breakup actually looks and sounds like

If your child is anywhere on the spectrum from secret crush to serious relationship, this conversation will help you understand what’s happening beneath the surface. My hope is that it gives you language, courage and compassion to walk alongside them, rather than dismissing it as “just drama” or trying to shut it all down.

Because for our teens, first love isn’t practice. It’s real, it’s formative, and it leaves a lasting imprint. How we respond now can teach them not only how to survive their first heartbreak, but how to love and be loved for the rest of their lives.

Previous interview with my own daughter, Phoebe:

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/144-first-love-breakups-lgbtq-how-to-support-our-kids-through-the-turmoil/

Contact Lisa Phillips:

[email protected]

Lisa A. Phillips, author of the new book, First Love: Guiding Teens through Relationships and Heartbreak, has written about relationships, mental health, and teens for the New York Times, the Washington Post, Longreads, Psychology Today, Cosmopolitan, Salon, and other outlets. She teaches journalism and the popular “Love and Heartbreak” seminar at the State University of New York at New Paltz. 

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Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

My email is [email protected] 
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

A listener wrote to say both she and her son felt pretty stunned after he was rejected from the university he'd set his heart on. She asked for the best way to help our teenagers cope with this sort of disappointment. 

I thought it was a great question and a good opportunity to also look at how we parents best navigate when your teen has worked for years toward a dream - a top university place, exam results, a team, a part - and it doesn’t happen. The disappointment can feel earth‑shattering for them and gut‑wrenching for you.

In this episode I talk with Dr Dominique Thompson, award‑winning GP and young people’s mental health expert, about how to support teenagers through big disappointments such as university rejection, exam failure, and missed opportunities – without rescuing them or minimising their feelings.

We explore:

• What teens are actually grieving when things go wrong – including the loss of an imagined future
• How to validate their emotions while gently stopping catastrophic thinking
• The difference between building resilience and teaching kids to suppress their feelings
• Why today’s culture of perfectionism and “being the best” is driving anxiety, burnout and fear of failure
• How to help teens separate self‑worth from grades, offers and achievements
• Practical ways to prepare teens for university life, academic stress and independence
• When dropping out isn’t the only option – how to press pause, get help and return stronger
• What to do if your teen feels “left behind” while friends move on to university or big opportunities
• How parents can be a “safe harbour”: supportive, boundaried, and not adding their own disappointment to their teen’s load

If you’re a parent wondering how to respond when your child says, “I’ve failed you,” or “There’s no point trying,” this conversation will give you concrete language, mindset shifts and step‑by‑step strategies to help them cope, reframe, and find a new path forward.

Dr Dominique Thompson: is a multi-award winning former GP, young people's mental health expert, TEDx speaker, author and educator, with over two decades of NHS clinical experience.

She is author of The Student Wellbeing Series for young people, and co-author of How to Grow a Grown Up (PenguinRandomHouse) for parents.

[email protected]

www.buzzconsulting.co.uk 

https://www.instagram.com/drdomthompson/

https://www.facebook.com/drdomthompson/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/dominique-thompson/

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

My email is [email protected] 
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

Knowing your values helps in parenting tweens and teens because our communication with our teenagers is based on a solid foundation. If we know why we think something matters we have clearer discussions about their behaviour and why we emphasise certain things. 

We're also less fragile when our teens push back and want to challenge our ideas. Often they have the same values but are coming at them from a different angle. 

Knowing our values helps us to find compromise. 

A previous episode about values

Link to my values exercises on Substack

The two games mentioned:

• Ransom Notes
• Hitster, if you haven’t already got this game it’s fantastic

We also love Taskmaster and Monopoly Deal, which is addictive

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

My email is [email protected] 
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

Three years ago we were asked by a listener to discuss how we can talk to boys about influential online figures like Andrew Tate, who act both as an inspiration to achieve great things, and a lightning rod for disgruntled men who blame feminism for their ills and cheer on his particular form of aggressive misogyny.

Now that Louis Theroux has shone a light on the Manosphere in his latest Netflix documentary I thought it important to dust off this old episode because the information is far more detailed, and useful for parents of tweens and teens. 

Whether the words Red Pill, Matrix, and Manosphere have any particular meaning for you, they are having an increasing impact on the environment our boys are growing up in. It's up to us as parents to help our boys unpack what they're hearing and sift the diamonds from the dirt.

My research into the topic has highlighted an urgent need to be talking with our sons about their dreams, and how we can support them in discovering role models who show what it is to be a successful man, without needing to humiliate and destroy other people.   

Click here for tips and advice from the episode:

1. Avoid silencing your teen, even if you disagree with what they say. It's vital that they are given the chance to talk about what they're thinking so that you can have proper discussions about it. Telling them they are wrong won't help them think about the issues.
2. Focus the discussion on what is really attractive to them about the messages they are hearing, and help them to differentiate between the positive and the dangerously negative.
3. Unpick the words the boys use and be clear about anything that is sexist, racist, etc and why that's an issue. Remember, they are building their identity and they're allowed to make mistakes along the way.  Don't shame them.
4. Arm yourself with real facts. If they tell you something that they've heard online help them to go to real sources, rather than simply listening to someone who has an agenda and wants to get lots of clicks.
5. Don't just focus on Tate, he's only one of the people espousing this thinking.

Potential role models: Look for men in your own community first

• Greg James 
• Mark Lewis: https://www.marklewis.co.uk/
• Novak Djokovic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=867mtHTsaDo
• Stephen Bartlett - Diary of a CEO (Business) His podcast has lots of successful men being interviewed.
• KSI, Beta Squad, Sidemen, Mr Beast, Chris MD. 
• Bear Grylls - Chief Scout and outdo

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

My email is [email protected] 
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

Listen to past Big Hug Cafe Community Catch-Ups: 

https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com

Send me your questions:

[email protected]

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

My email is [email protected] 
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

If you’ve ever lain awake at night wondering whether you’re getting this parenting thing horribly wrong, you need to hear this conversation with surgeon and author Gabriel Weston.

Gabriel is a mother of four – including tween twins – a prize‑winning writer and a working surgeon. She talks with disarming honesty about:

• How she parents without pretending to be endlessly patient or perfect
• Why it’s okay to have limits to how much joy you get from parenting
• The very real ways she sometimes gets it wrong, and how her kids now call her out
• What her son’s life‑threatening brain condition and her own health scares have taught her about seeing all of us – including our teens – as “beautifully broken” humans
• How she and her husband navigate very different parenting styles, from strict boundaries to snacks and softness

What I love about Gabriel is that she says the quiet things out loud – the thoughts so many parents have but feel too guilty to admit. She’s funny, wise, and completely unpretentious, and by the end you may feel surprisingly lighter about your own “failings” as a parent.

If you’ve ever worried that you’re too controlling, not present enough, not soft enough, or simply not “motherly” in the way you think you’re supposed to be, this episode will help you see that you are probably doing far better than you think. 

Find Gabriel here:

https://www.instagram.com/gabrielwestonalive/

Buy her books:

https://www.waterstones.com/author/gabriel-weston/6579

https://amzn.eu/d/0cGm5jnK

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

My email is [email protected] 
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Wirohugo for your incredible donation. You are so kind! 

Here’s the question posed by one of our community using the Ask Rachel Anything button:

My fifteen year old boy seems to show no curiousity about the world. Does not know countries, capitals, does not read (except when incentived). Today, he didn't recognise the neighbouring village which we drive through many times. He is middling at school but good at some subjects. So, not a dunce! Is it digital distraction? Is it common? I searched your shows and could not find any record of this being discussed. 

Episode About:

Concentration and Choices:

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/concentration-and-the-troubling-effect-of-too-many-choices/

The Disengaged Teen:

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/122-how-to-get-our-teens-to-love-learning-and-why-parents-are-the-missing-piece-of-the-puzzle/

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

There's been a dramatic increase in reports of grooming, sextortion and AI generated child sexual abuse material in recent years, and most parents believe politicans and technology companies aren't doing enough to protect kids.

The UK government recently announced that makers of AI chatbots that put children at risk will face massive fines or even see their services blocked in the UK under law changes.

And the French offices of Elon Musk's X were recently raided by the Paris prosecutor's cyber-crime unit, as part of an investigation into suspected offences including complicity in the possession of child sexual abuse material (CSAM). 

Four in five EU citizens support requiring online service providers to detect, report and remove child sexual abuse material, but while governments and technology companies wrangle over a fast-developing issue, we parents need accurate information and support on how best to keep our kids safe if they are online. 

The Internet Watch Foundation has been around for 30 years and works alongside the UK charity Childline to protect children who have been affected, by offering emotional support and a means of tagging and removing images that predators use to extort and make money online.

THE BEST PROTECTION:

Keep devices out of bedrooms and bathrooms.

Read my devices guide, with links to all of the relevant episodes, here

Top tips from this episode

KEY RESOURCES:

• TALK resource 
• Report Remove tool  
• Create a Family Agreement
• UK Safer Internet Centre website - https://saferinternet.org.uk/
• Internet Matters website https://www.internetmatters.org/

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

My email is [email protected] 
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

My kids went through a series of friendship bust-ups when they were young teens; it's inevitable. It's an amazing time of learning about themselves, discovering where their values lie, and learning that everyone makes mistakes. 

My kids have told me that one of the best things I've done is to show them my own mistakes, and apologise wholeheartedly when I do mess up. They say it's made them feel much better about their struggles because it's allowed them to have a vision of being a human who doesn't have to be perfect. 

My substack:

https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com

My two top takeways are:

Help your kids see the difference between the 'doing' and the 'doer'. Our kids are learning how cope in a very complicated world so they are definitely going to make some really dumb mistakes and do what seem to be terrible things. Those things don't mean they are a bad person, they mean they are a human who is still learning. We can help them by being careful with our own language at home. Don't call them lazy, say you don't like that they didn't do the thing they said they'd  do. 

Show your kids that nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes; it's what we do about them that defines us. Apologising when we do mess up is one of the greatest superpowers we can develop.

The episode about friendships with Megan Saxelby:

https://open.substack.com/pub/teenagersuntangled/p/friendship-struggles?r=2u24i0&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

Mattering is a deep human need to feel valued beyond achievements. It's something we all need, but are we getting it?

The new book by Jennifer Breheney-Wallace focuses on "Mattering," discussing how societal pressures, particularly on teenagers, exacerbate this need. 

She emphasizes the importance of adults feeling valued at work to better support their children. 

Wallace suggests practical strategies like minimizing criticism, prioritizing affection, and fostering interdependent relationships. 

She also highlights the impact of social media on extrinsic values and stresses the need for parents to focus on intrinsic values to raise resilient, well-rounded children.

FIND JENNIFER HERE:

https://www.jenniferbwallace.com/

BUY MATTERING HERE:

https://amzn.eu/d/0fX3Q4Kd

FIND RACHEL'S SUBSTACK ARTICLE TO ACCOMPANY THIS INTERVIEW HERE:

https://open.substack.com/pub/teenagersuntangled/p/you-matter-no-matter-what?r=2u24i0&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

• Mattering is a fundamental human need that drives behavior.
• The adolescent years are particularly fragile for developing a sense of mattering.
• Adults also struggle with feelings of not mattering, impacting their ability to support teens.
• Building connections and support systems is essential for both parents and children.
• Minimizing criticism and prioritizing affection helps children feel valued.
• Surrounding oneself with supportive families can reinforce shared values.
• Focusing on intrinsic values over extrinsic ones promotes better mental health.
• Social media exacerbates feelings of inadequacy and should be monitored.
• Parents can counter achievement pressures by communicating unconditional love.

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

My email is [email protected] 
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk