Parenting Teenagers Untangled

Ask Rachel anything

A teenager no longer has to send a nude for a sexual image of them to end up online.

AI can now take an ordinary photograph of a child or teenager and create a convincing fake nude. Add sextortion, online grooming and the sharing of intimate images, and the digital landscape our children are navigating has changed dramatically.

So what do parents actually need to know — and how can we protect our kids without terrifying them or constantly monitoring everything they do?

In this episode, Rachel talks to Emma Hardy from the Internet Watch Foundation (IWF), a world-leading organisation working to find and remove child sexual abuse images from the internet.

Emma explains how teenagers can be groomed into sharing sexual images, why 11–13 year olds are particularly vulnerable, and why younger children are increasingly appearing in the material the IWF encounters.

We also explore the alarming growth of AI-generated sexual images and “nudifying” apps, which can turn an ordinary photograph into a fake nude without the person ever having shared an intimate image.

Emma explains how these images are being used to humiliate, bully and blackmail young people — and how sextortion can escalate frighteningly quickly.

But this isn't an episode about panicking or taking technology away from our children.

It's about giving them — and ourselves — the knowledge to respond.

We cover:

• What parents need to know about sextortion
• How online grooming can start with seemingly harmless games and flattery
• Why children may not realise they're being manipulated
• How AI can create fake nude images from ordinary photographs
• What parents need to know about nudifying apps
• Why boys and girls can be targeted differently
• Why teenagers should never pay someone who is blackmailing them
• The risks of cameras and connected devices in bedrooms
• Whether parents should allow photographs of their children to be posted online
• How to talk about nudes and online sexual risks without frightening your child
• Why family conversations are one of our most powerful online-safety tools
• What to do if your teenager has already shared an intimate image
• How the Report Remove service can help stop images spreading
• Why your first reaction matters enormously if your child comes to you for help

Perhaps the most important message in this episode is simple: if something does go wrong, we want our child to come to us.

Emma's advice is to resist anger, stay calm and make sure they understand that being manipulated, groomed or blackmailed does not make them responsible for the actions of the offender.

We can't anticipate everything our teenagers will encounter online. But we can give them knowledge, boundaries and a trusted adult they know they can turn to when something goes wrong.

THE BEST PROTECTION:

Keep devices out of bedrooms and bathrooms.

Read my devices guide, with links to all of the relevant episodes, here

Top tips from this episode

KEY RESOURCES:

• TALK resource 
• Report Remove tool  
• Create a Family Agreement
• UK Safer Internet Centre website - https://saferinternet.org.uk/
• Internet Matters website https://www.internetmatters.org/

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 

My email [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me

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Ask Rachel anything

My kids went through a series of friendship bust-ups when they were young teens; it's inevitable. It's an amazing time of learning about themselves, discovering where their values lie, and learning that everyone makes mistakes. 

My kids have told me that one of the best things I've done is to show them my own mistakes, and apologise wholeheartedly when I do mess up. They say it's made them feel much better about their struggles because it's allowed them to have a vision of being a human who doesn't have to be perfect. 

My substack:

https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com

My two top takeways are:

Help your kids see the difference between the 'doing' and the 'doer'. Our kids are learning how cope in a very complicated world so they are definitely going to make some really dumb mistakes and do what seem to be terrible things. Those things don't mean they are a bad person, they mean they are a human who is still learning. We can help them by being careful with our own language at home. Don't call them lazy, say you don't like that they didn't do the thing they said they'd  do. 

Show your kids that nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes; it's what we do about them that defines us. Apologising when we do mess up is one of the greatest superpowers we can develop.

The episode about friendships with Megan Saxelby:

https://open.substack.com/pub/teenagersuntangled/p/friendship-struggles?r=2u24i0&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

We all want our teenagers to do well. But what happens when encouragement turns into achievement pressure — and our kids start believing their grades, popularity, appearance or success determine how much they're worth?

Award-winning journalist and bestselling author Jennifer Breheny Wallace has spent years researching achievement culture, anxiety and the pressures facing young people. Her latest work explores something she believes is fundamental to raising resilient, motivated teenagers: mattering.

Mattering is the feeling that we are valued for who we are, not simply for what we achieve — and that we have something valuable to contribute to the people and world around us.

In this episode, Jennifer explains why teenagers growing up in high-achieving environments can be particularly vulnerable to anxiety, burnout and a fragile sense of self-worth — and why simply reducing our expectations isn't necessarily the answer.

Instead, she argues that teenagers need to hear a powerful message from us: you are not your successes and you are not your failures.

Surprisingly, giving teenagers this unconditional sense of worth doesn't make them less ambitious. It can give them the security to aim higher, because failure no longer feels like a verdict on who they are.

We discuss:

• Teen anxiety, academic pressure and achievement culture
• Why high-achieving teenagers can struggle with mental health
• How to motivate teenagers without criticism, fear or comparison
• Why Jennifer calls these tactics “dirty fuel”
• How to use curiosity rather than anger when a teenager isn't doing well
• Why parents should focus on how the work gets done, rather than obsessing over grades
• How social media intensifies comparison, status and materialistic values
• The difference between intrinsic and extrinsic values
• How to make your teenager feel that they matter
• Why parents need to feel that they matter too
• How friendships and community can make us better parents
• One simple way to show your teenager every day that you're delighted they exist

Jennifer also shares a wonderful question for parents:

Imagine your child 10 or 20 years from now. What story would you like them to tell about their childhood and their relationship with you — and are you helping them tell that story?

This is an episode about raising ambitious, successful teenagers without making achievement the price they believe they have to pay for our love.

FIND JENNIFER HERE

BUY MATTERING HERE

RACHEL'S SUBSTACK ARTICLE TO ACCOMPANY THIS INTERVIEW HERE

• Mattering is a fundamental human need that drives behavior.
• The adolescent years are particularly fragile for developing a sense of mattering.
• Adults also struggle with feelings of not mattering, impacting their ability to support teens.
• Building connections and support systems is essential for both parents and children.
• Minimizing criticism and prioritizing affection helps children feel valued.
• Surrounding oneself with supportive families can reinforce shared values.
• Focusing on intrinsic values over extrinsic ones promotes better mental health.
• Social media exacerbates feelings of inadequacy and should be monitored.
• Parents can counter achievement pressures by communicating unconditional love.

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 

My email [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me

Instagram
Facebook

Ask Rachel anything

Camilla asked if I could do a short recap of the things we’ve talked about on the podcast that will help us help our kids most. So here it is! 

Now, tell me what you want for next week.

Click this link for a list of the top tips:

https://open.substack.com/pub/teenagersuntangled/p/helping-our-kids-with-their-exam?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

When Brooklyn Beckham publicly announced he didn't want to reconcile with his parents he was joining a painful catalogue of family stories that have gone wrong. 

Estrangement is reportedly on the rise in Western societies but what's behind it? 

Dr Joshua Coleman spends his life working with estranged parents so he sees, first hand, the main factors that can lead to it. He highlights that while emotional abuse is often cited as a cause, it's often a matter of unmet expectations and generational differences. 

Some of the core drivers are divorce, children marrying someone who doesn't get on with your family, social media ideals, therapy culture and individualism. 

Given that estrangement can be emotionally devastating for parents, leading to feelings of isolation and loss, he advises parents to take their children's complaints seriously and to be open to therapy and family discussions.  

Dr Joshua Coleman:

Family Troubles: https://joshuacolemanphd.substack.com/

https://joshuacolemanphd.substack.com/p/how-to-not-become-estranged

https://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/

Teenagers Untangled Community Substack:

https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 

My email [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me

Instagram
Facebook

Ask Rachel anything

Puberty can make teenagers painfully aware of their changing bodies. Add Instagram, TikTok, advertising and the pressure to fit in, and it's little wonder that so many teens struggle with body image and self-esteem.

So what can parents do to help?

In this episode, Rachel talks with mindfulness coach and mum of three Susie Asli about teenage body image, social media, comparison and the powerful need to belong.

We explore why commenting on appearance — even when we think we're giving a compliment — can sometimes reinforce the very pressures we're trying to protect our teenagers from, and why focusing instead on what their bodies can do, who they are and the relationships that make them feel valued can help build a healthier sense of self.

We also discuss the warning signs that body-image worries may be becoming more serious, including obsessing over weight or particular body parts, avoiding activities because of appearance, constantly comparing themselves with others, and linking food with guilt or shame.

Plus: how can we model a healthier relationship with our own bodies, help teenagers see through unrealistic social-media images, and give them the confidence to experiment with their identity without feeling they have to look a particular way to belong?

And in our listener question, we tackle another familiar parenting battle: How do you get teenagers to do chores without endless arguments about whose turn it is?

We discuss why teenagers need household responsibilities, how chores teach valuable life skills, and why allocating jobs in advance can work far better than ambushing a teenager halfway through TikTok.

Rachel's thoughts and tips on body image

Rachel's thoughts and tips on getting kids to do chores

Resources:

https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/healthy-lifestyle/body-image/body-image-teens
The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor 
I Thought it was just me by Brené Brown

Previous episode:

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/104-teen-weight-and-body-image-a-mother-and-daughter-explore-the-issues/

Chores: 

Household duties develop a sense of purpose. Lack of purpose is one of the most reported problems in suicidal people. Teens are capable of doing practically any household duty and gives them a sense of belonging to the family team.

The Gift of Failure Jessica Lahey: Children prefer parents who hold them responsible for not meeting expectations over those who monitor their children. 

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 

My email [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me

Instagram
Facebook

Ask Rachel anything

For the full explanation click this link to my Substack:

https://substack.com/@teenagersuntangled/note/p-187427201?r=2u24i0&utm_source=notes-share-action&utm_medium=web

Old episodes on manners:

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/empty-nest-how-to-cope-when-your-teen-moves-out-also-manners-what-are-they-and-what-should-we-te/

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/manners-parenting-to-help-teens-succeed-in-life-by-teaching-the-importance-of-good-manners/

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

'Early adolescence is a friendship meat grinder, and your kid will eventually find their people,' according to Megan Saxelby of Wild Feelings. But oh boy it's tough!  

Megan wants parents to know that using words like “dramatic” to describe genuine social pain can accidentally give us permission to dismiss their emotional reality and teach our kids that their experiences doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously.

In today’s episode we explore why it hurts so much to watch our child struggle socially, and why our instincts to either dismiss or ‘fix things’ can often make it worse.

The good news is that there’s new research, by the eminent Dr David Yeager, that shows there’s one thing our kids can learn that can reduce depression in teens by nearly 40%.

We hear the details and some great tips for us parents on the frontline.

Megan Saxelby:

Rachel's blog reflections on teen friendship distress

The Study:

This is such a big topic I have created a lot of content to cover it:

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/boy-friendships-and-supporting-our-sons-in-forming-positive-friendships-also-what-the-we-sho-1/

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/114-friendships-frenemies-and-boy-banter-parenting-our-teens-through-the-relationship-pitfalls/

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/puberty-toxic-friendships-pick-me-girls-top-tips-for-parenting-teenagers-from-teenagers-147/

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/top-friendship-tips-for-teen-girls-lessons-from-real-life-sisters/

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/139-preparing-for-secondary-school-friendship-groups-and-those-awkward-talks-about-porn-and-sexti/

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/friendship-girls-and-toxic-groups-also-resilience-how-to-get-your-teen-to-keep-going-instead-of-g/

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 

My email [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me

Instagram
Facebook

Ask Rachel anything

Come and join the community! 

https://substack.com/@teenagersuntangled

I watched my daughter switch to a new laptop and melt down; not because she couldn’t learn, but because she didn’t have the bandwidth. 

And it hit me: we can cope well with change when we are relaxed and don’t have too much on our plates, but when we are working at the limits of our abilities change can feel overwhelming. 

It’s easy to think that our brains like to work, but solving problems takes huge amounts of energy so our brains are actually designed to create habits as quickly as possible to reduce the loss of precious resources. 

My daugter’s experience made me think about how we rely on small habits the way we rely on hotkeys. When we lose them, everything feels harder, when we build them into everyday family life they can actively reduce our stress and improve our connection.

So this week my suggestion is to think about your routines; not rigid ones that you use to beat yourself up about (the should version) but anchors and hotkeys.

Here are 4 ideas that can make family life calmer:

1. Micro-habits that smooth the day, having a bowl where everyone puts their keys, reinforcing the small habits like putting the milk back in the fridge.
2. A regular “we come together” moment during the week; whether it’s Sunday lunch, or Saturday morning brunch, elevenses, ‘film Friday’ or supper time.
3. Being clear that dinner isn’t just a time when we eat, it’s a way to share our lives and our space.
4. If the way you like to do things doesn’t seem to work for your teen try something different that might better fit their brain

What anchors do you use in your household? I’d LOVE to hear your suggestions and tips.

Old episode about reducing nagging using habits:

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/nagging-reducing-the-friction-using-the-magic-of-routine/

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

We want our kids to do as well as possible, so when they mess up, do dumb things, or seem to be failing, it's easy to focus on their mistakes and what they should do instead. 

Naomi Glover, a leading applied neuroscientist and brain health specialist, says we'd get the best out of our kids by doing the opposite; focusing on their strengths.

Coming from a  neurodivergent family, she truly understands the challenges faced by ADHD, dyslexia, and other neurotypes and offers practical, easy-to-use “brain hacks” for things like anxiety, focus, and emotional regulation.

Naomi believes that once we understand how our brain works, we can work with it—not against it this episode gives us those tips.

Naomi Glover

Rachel's checklist from the episode

Find your strengths:

PARENTS: 

https://www.viacharacter.org/survey/pro/parentingstrengths/account/register

UNDER 18'S: https://StrengthBoostU18.pro.viasurvey.org/

Top tips:

1. Lead with strengths, not deficits
   • Regularly name what your teen does well (kindness, perseverance, curiosity, humour, etc.) instead of only correcting what’s missing.
2. Swap judgment for curiosity
   • Use phrases like “I noticed…”, “Tell me more about what happened”, and “What could we do differently next time?” to keep conversations safe and open.
3. Use recognition as rocket fuel (especially with ADHD/RSD)
   • Give specific, genuine praise:
     • “That was really kind leadership when you…”
     • “I really appreciated you helping with the washing up – that was great teamwork.”
4. Reduce brain overload with routines and single-tasking
   • Build simple, predictable habits (e.g. “Saturday is bed-linen day”).
   • Avoid multitasking; do one thing at a time and protect focus where possible.
5. Teach nervous-system resets
   • Use quick tools for you and your teen:
     • Breathing: in for 4, out for 8, 3–5 times.
     • Nature breaks: ~20 minutes outside to reset attention and mood.

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 

My email [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me

Instagram
Facebook