Children who sacrifice their own emotional needs to support a parent can end up struggling with identity and intimacy as adults, says psychologist Sarb Johal.

Children who sacrifice their own emotional needs to support a parent can end up struggling with identity and intimacy as adults, says psychologist Sarb Johal.

When a child is required to sacrifice their own needs for attention, comfort and guidance for the sake of a parent's emotions, Johal calls this 'parentification'.

Kids meeting their parents' logistical needs - such as helping to cook, paying bills, shopping and caring for other siblings - he describes as 'instrumental parentification'.

This isn't damaging as long as the child is getting support and participating in whatever age-appropriate activities they're into, he says.

It can even give kids a sense of accomplishment.

The real damage, Johal says, comes from 'emotional parentification' - when a child is expected to gauge and respond to a parent's emotional needs.

Children called on to act as confidants or crisis managers can carry a lot of guilt about failing to meet these needs, he says.

This experience can also interfere with their ability to form strong relationships into adulthood, especially with peers.

"Children can feel very fulfilled in that role, but the detriment is they're not having the time to create and explore and understand how to create those relationships with people of their own age group."

Children who were 'emotionally parentified' can become adults who are anxious about abandonment and loss and find it difficult to deal with disappointment and rejection, Johal says.

In intimate relationships, they often naturally assume a caring role which eventually becomes burdensome.

"They flick in and out of being caring and feeling quite resentful of having this put upon them."

These adults tend to be controlling in their relationships because they don't trust other people to sort things out, he says.

"They'll say I had to do this as a child, I had to sort everything out."

A relationship of equality is a mystery to them, he says.

"I'm used to stepping up and sorting things out so that's how I'm going to be in my relationship, too - even if it's not asked for or required."

If this was your experience, it's a good start to simply realise you have a strong template to be a caregiver in a relationship, Johal says.

Keep an eye on the kind of relationships you're drawn towards or get into…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details