A clear map beats chaos when lives are at stake. We sit down with Dr. Kate Fitz-Gibbon to draw a sharper line between “losing control” in life and being coercively controlled by a partner, and we keep children at the center where they belong. Through careful research and straight talk, we unpack why men’s and women’s experiences of intimate partner abuse often look different in impact, fear, and loss of liberty—and how that difference should guide courts, police, and service providers in mapping patterns and identifying who is the victim and who is the perpetrator.

We dive into male self-reports of coercive control, exploring cases that include humiliation, verbal abuse, and financial restriction, as well as accounts driven by entitlement to control over partners or children. Then we widen the lens: Pattern mapping across time exposes the primary aggressor more reliably than incident-by-incident thinking, prevents misidentification under new coercive control laws, and creates a direct line to child safety by holding domestic abusers, prevalently fathers, accountable as parents. If you work in child protection, probation, or family courts, you’ll hear practical ways to separate counter-allegations from documentable behavioral patterns.

The stakes rise when we talk about boys. Australian national data shows high rates of childhood maltreatment among both girls and boys, with domestic abuse often at the center. When boys’ trauma goes unrecognized or untreated, the risk of later violence, school disengagement, and mental health crises increases. We argue for prevention efforts that help boys navigate rejection, loss of control, consent, and emotional vulnerability—while unlearning coercive patterns used to manage relationships and life stress. This must be paired with services truly designed for children. Add culture change that dismantles the “man box,” and you begin to connect the dots between men’s health, family safety, and the prevention of future homicides.

Listen for a practical, compassionate framework that respects male victims, safeguards women and children, and helps systems stop guessing at who is the victim and who is the perpetrator. If this resonates, follow the show, share it with a colleague who needs a better map, and leave a review with one insight you’ll use this week.

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Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

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Blame doesn’t make families safer—clarity does. We sit down with Scottish survivors and practitioners from Equally Safe Falkirk to explore how a survivor-centered, perpetrator-focused, child safety–driven approach changes practice, confidence, and outcomes. You’ll hear how validation replaces tick-box culture, how naming protective parenting restores mothers’ confidence, and how raising standards for fathers reframes accountability as a set of concrete parenting choices.

Nicolla and Emma walk us through building a service with lived experience at its core—co-designing groups like Serenity and Women Unite, challenging harmful language. While survivors Steph and Lita share raw, powerful stories of experiencing moving from professional and systemic victim-blaming and invisibility to being believed and partnered with. Their accounts reveal what happens when professionals consistently pivot back to the perpetrator’s behavior, document survivor strengths, and stay curious instead of prescriptive. The result isn’t just better engagement; it’s safer children, stronger parenting, and more effective multi-agency work.

We also dig into the tough stuff: working with fathers who cause harm without colluding, addressing trauma and substance use without excusing abuse, and building the skills to challenge, contain, and guide change over time. Tools like the Choose to Change Toolkit help dads interrupt escalation, but the heartbeat is consistent messaging: Your behavior is a parenting choice with consequences for your child’s physical and mental health. Leaders will hear a clear call to invest in rigorous training, align language across agencies, and normalize accountability for fathers as a core child protection standard.

If this conversation challenged you or gave you a new tool, share it with a colleague, subscribe for more survivor-centered practice, and leave a review with the one insight you’ll use this week.

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Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.

The weaponisation of immigration status has become a powerful tool in the arsenal of domestic abusers. For migrant survivors, the choice between enduring abuse or risking deportation represents an impossible dilemma that traps them in dangerous situations.

Meena Kumari, a domestic abuse practitioner with 21 years of experience in the UK, shares how the situation for migrant survivors has deteriorated rather than improved over her career. Where once migrants needed to wait two years before applying for indefinite leave to remain, they now must wait five years—creating a dangerous window where abusers can exploit immigration vulnerabilities through coercive control. This pattern isn't unique to Britain; similar dynamics play out across the globe. 

The conversation explores how "honour-based abuse" is often misunderstood and racialised, with certain communities facing heightened scrutiny while similar patterns of violence in white Christian contexts go unlabeled. This structural racism compounds the challenges facing migrant survivors who must navigate not only their abuser's tactics but also systems that may report their immigration status rather than prioritise their safety.

Most disturbingly, we examine how the recent rise in anti-immigrant sentiment and far-right activity weaponises concern for women's safety while ignoring that most violence against women occurs behind closed doors, perpetrated by someone known to the victim. These movements position themselves as "protectors" while creating conditions that make migrant survivors less likely to seek help.

The episode concludes with hope through Kumari's work with perpetrators from South Asian communities, demonstrating how accountability and cultural competence can work together effectively. Through programs that acknowledge cultural contexts while firmly challenging harmful behaviours, practitioners are creating pathways to meaningful change.

If you're working with survivors across cultural contexts or seeking to understand the complex intersection of immigration and domestic abuse, this episode offers essential insights for creating more effective, equitable responses. Share this episode with colleagues committed to survivor-centred practice that truly meets the needs of all communities.

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Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.

Religious teachings wield profound influence over family dynamics and human behaviors, sometimes enabling abuse under the guise of spiritual teachings and guidance. This raw and revealing conversation confronts the troubling legacy of religious parenting methodologies that promote violence, rights removal, and coercive control rather than nurturing safe, consensual connection.

Ruth shares her personal experience growing up under the influence of James Dobson's parenting teachings, exposing how these "Christian" parenting strategies actually originated from eugenicist theories of the 1930s. David and Ruth dissect how these methodologies create detailed systems for child abuse by advocating for escalating physical punishment, demeaning, demanding affection after violence, and treating children as inherently manipulative or "demonic." Most disturbing is how these approaches specifically target vulnerable children, with neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ youth suffering disproportionately under these regimes of violence and control.

The conversation explores how religious justifications for violence extend beyond parenting into marital relationships, where men are positioned as divinely appointed authorities with the right to abuse and control women. This creates intergenerational patterns where violence becomes the primary coping tool for men and women for managing anxiety, fear, and situations where one feels out of control. David and Ruth challenge these distortions of faith, emphasizing that "coerced faith is not faith" and that true spirituality requires free will and personal dignity.

For professionals working with families, this episode highlights the importance of going beyond trauma-informed approaches to understand how religious values shape family dynamics and entitlement for coercion and abuse. For those currently practicing these methods because they believe them spiritually necessary, there's an invitation to question whether these approaches truly reflect deeper values and support healthy, long-term connections to partner, parent, and pastor or simply perpetuate trauma and harm.

Join this eye-opening discussion on how we can recognize, resist, and heal from religiously justified abuse while creating healthier spiritual environments for ourselves and future generations. Visit safeandtogetherinstitute.com to learn more about domestic abuse–informed approaches that create safety and dignity for all family members.

Send us a text

Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.

When a perpetrator targets a family pet, they're sending a clear message about what they're capable of—and revealing a dangerous pattern that threatens everyone in the home. This eye-opening conversation with Maya Badham, founder of the Centre for Animal Inclusive Safeguarding, explores the deeply troubling intersection of animal abuse and coercive control.

The weaponization of animals extends far beyond physical violence. Perpetrators systematically use pets as tools for economic abuse, stalking, isolation, and emotional manipulation. Maya shares striking examples of how abusers mirror their tactics across all family members (e.g., if non-fatal strangulation is used against human victims, similar methods often appear in their treatment of animals). This pattern recognition is crucial for effective risk assessment and intervention.

Most troubling is how our systems force survivors into impossible choices. "I can't leave you home alone with my dog," Maya explains, highlighting how perpetrators create entrapment through a victim's attachment to their pet. With limited animal-inclusive refuge options, many survivors delay leaving or return to abusive situations because they have nowhere to go with their beloved animals.

The conversation reveals a critical intervention opportunity: Survivors frequently disclose concerns about their pets before discussing their own abuse. By asking about animals in the home and showing genuine concern for their welfare, professionals can build trust and gather vital information about risk factors that might otherwise remain hidden. Yet these opportunities are often missed because domestic violence and animal welfare professionals operate in separate silos.

Maya's Animal Inclusive Safeguarding Practice Blueprint aims to bridge these gaps by integrating animal welfare considerations into existing domestic violence responses. This approach recognizes the human-animal bond as a crucial protective factor—especially against domestic abuse–related suicide—and works toward solutions that keep both humans and animals safe from harm.

Ready to improve your practice? Subscribe to our podcast for more insights on creating truly trauma-informed, domestic abuse–informed, whole-family approaches to domestic violence intervention that protect all family members—including those with paws, claws, fins, feathers, scales, and tails. 

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Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.

When churches call clergy sexual abuse “moral failings” or “affairs,” they obscure the truth: Predatory pastors groom adult congregants using tactics that mirror coercive control and intimate partner violence.

Counselor and researcher Jaime Simpson joins us to dismantle myths about consent in faith settings, drawing from her study Broken, Shattered & Spiritually Battered: Groom Pastors Who Prey on Adult Congregation Members. Focusing on evangelical and Pentecostal communities in Australia, her findings reveal systemic grooming—romantic, therapeutic, and spiritual deception—layered with isolation, boundary violations, and theology-based coercion and systematic collusion with perpetrators to hide their criminal behaviours and shield them from accountability with the use of spiritually based forgiveness rituals. 

Simpson shows how purity culture, male authority, and loyalty to leadership prime congregations for collusion, silence, and exploitation, while institutions minimize sexual violence but act swiftly on financial crimes. Her message to survivors: “You weren’t complicit. What happened to you was not your fault.”

Send us a text

Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.

Surviving trauma isn't evidence of brokenness—it’s proof of extraordinary strength. Yet traditional therapy approaches often miss this crucial reality, focusing instead on deficits and pathology while forcing survivors to relive painful experiences without first creating safety.

In this powerful conversation, therapist and trauma survivor Oli Doyle joins David and Ruth to challenge conventional therapeutic wisdom that keeps trauma survivors stuck in cycles of shame and self-blame. Together, they explore how true healing begins with recognizing the remarkable resilience that allowed survivors to endure seemingly impossible circumstances.

“How the hell are you sitting in front of me still alive, still breathing? How have you done that?” Oli asks his clients, shifting focus away from pathologizing trauma responses toward honoring the ingenuity that enabled survival. This perspective represents a radical departure from approaches that ask, "What’s wrong with you?" instead of, “What happened to you and how did you survive it?”

The discussion delves into how trauma lives in our bodies, requiring more than verbal processing for healing. Ruth explains, “You can’t talk your way out of a body response. You have to use body-based strategies to help the body get through that moment.” This embodied understanding of trauma recognizes that memories live in our tissues, manifesting as behaviors that once served protective functions but may now cause suffering.

Beyond individual healing, the conversation challenges the cultural narrative that personal choices determine outcomes regardless of context. As Oli notes, “What we’ve been taught in colonial cultures is that contexts and structural factors don’t matter. If you just make the right choices, you’ll have a good life.” This individualistic perspective serves systems of power while obscuring how structural inequities shape trauma and limit options.

For mental health professionals, this episode offers a powerful invitation to examine implicit biases and deficit-focused approaches. For survivors, it provides validation that survival itself represents an extraordinary achievement worthy of recognition and respect. And for everyone, it illuminates how honouring survivor strengths rather than focusing on brokenness creates pathways to genuine healing and post-traumatic growth.

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Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.

What does it take to transform domestic violence practice in an organization? In this illuminating conversation with Safe & Together Institute’s Systems Change Champion Kyra Feetham from the Centre for Women & Co. in Queensland, Australia, we explore the power of language, values alignment, and relationship-building in creating sustainable change.

Kyra shares her journey of embedding the Safe & Together Model at the Centre for Women & Co., where a remarkable shift occurred through both top-down leadership support and bottom-up practitioner enthusiasm. One pivotal change happened at the documentation level: transforming intake questions from generic inquiries about children to specific examinations of “how the perpetrator’s behavior impacts family functioning.” This simple but profound shift refocuses attention on perpetrator patterns rather than survivor actions.

The conversation delves into the complexities of working with historically marginalized communities, particularly Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples. Kyra reflects on the importance of self-awareness when navigating systems that have caused intergenerational harm: “Anti-oppressive practice starts with you as an individual... understanding that as a white woman working in largely government-based systems, that equals danger for many communities.”

As coordinator for the Logan area’s High Risk Team, Kyra offers invaluable insights into how the Safe & Together framework helps practitioners critically examine prior system decisions and identify opportunities to repair relationships with survivors. She emphasizes how meaningful conversations with people using violence (“What kind of father do you want to be?”) create pathways to accountability that generic risk assessments cannot achieve.

For practitioners aspiring to become change agents themselves, Kyra’s advice resonates with wisdom: Build relationships throughout your community, understand what others have tried, and connect with values-aligned individuals who are ready for a better approach. Her message to survivors rings clear: I see you, I hear you, I believe you, and there are passionate practitioners working to improve safety and accountability, even if you’re not currently seeking services.

Send us a text

Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.

When Kelly Daley, Community Connection Practitioner at Upper Murray Family Care, stood to accept her Champion Award for case practice in the Asia Pacific region, she was not just celebrating professional achievement—she was honoring a deeply personal journey of healing and transformation. Working across three agencies to implement the Safe & Together Model framework with children and young people affected by violence, Kelly has pioneered practice that shifts focus from managing children’s behaviors to holding perpetrators as parents accountable for the trauma they’ve caused.

”It healed broken bits of me that I had no idea were broken,” Kelly shares about her own experience with the Safe & Together Model, revealing how recognizing her strength as a survivor now drives her passion for partnering with others. This personal connection infuses her work with authenticity and purpose as she helps both survivors and practitioners navigate complex family violence situations.

What makes Kelly’s approach revolutionary is her emphasis on documentation and collaborative practice. She demonstrates how properly documenting strengths, protective factors, and patterns of behavior transforms not just paperwork but actual outcomes for families. When child protection services can see a mother’s protective efforts clearly recorded, they’re more likely to hold perpetrators accountable rather than placing the burden on victims. This shift represents the Model’s principles in action: partnering with survivors while keeping perpetrators in view.

Kelly’s implementation work addresses practitioner fears head-on through toolbox sessions, phased learning approaches, and supportive supervision. She recognizes that many professionals haven’t been trained to engage with fathers at all—let alone those who use violence—creating a significant gap in family-centered services. By building practitioner confidence gradually, she ensures the model becomes embedded in everyday practice rather than dependent on her presence.

Whether you’re a practitioner seeking to improve your approach to family violence or a survivor looking for hope, Kelly’s journey illuminates what’s possible when we truly partner with survivors while keeping perpetrators in view. Join us for this powerful conversation about transforming systems from the inside out, one family at a time.

Upper Murray Family Care (UMFC) is a not-for-profit, authentically place-based community service organisation that operates across multiple jurisdictions and regulatory environments. UMFC provides support and capacity-building programs and services for children, young people, individuals, families, stakeholders, and communities throughout

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Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.

Imagine a world where our most vulnerable babies are protected without automatically severing their connection to their family. That's the vision Lauren Seager-Smith brings as Chief Executive of the For Baby's Sake Trust, where they're revolutionizing responses to domestic abuse during pregnancy and early childhood.

The numbers are staggering: approximately 50,000 babies under two are referred to social care in England each year due to domestic abuse, with 2,000 entering out-of-home care. Each placement costs taxpayers £281,000 annually—but that's just the economic cost. The human toll is immeasurable.

Lauren shares how their innovative program works therapeutically with both parents from pregnancy through the baby's second birthday. Unlike traditional approaches that focus exclusively on mothers or default to family separation, they engage fathers who use abusive behaviors while simultaneously supporting mothers and protecting children. What makes this approach particularly effective is its recognition that pregnancy represents a critical intervention point where many parents are highly motivated to change.

The program reveals profound insights about intergenerational trauma. Among participating parents, 73% of fathers and 74% of mothers have experienced six or more adverse childhood experiences themselves. "For many of our fathers, they want a different story for their baby," Lauren explains. This motivation becomes the foundation for intensive work around emotional regulation, trauma processing, and building attunement with their infant.

Perhaps most striking is the economic case for prevention. At approximately £9,000 per year per family—versus £281,000 for a child in care—programs like For Baby's Sake offer a fiscally responsible alternative to our current crisis-response systems. Yet despite this clear math, governments continue prioritizing expensive reactive measures over prevention.

This conversation challenges us to think differently about protecting children. Can we create systems that hold those who use violence accountable while supporting their capacity to change? Can we recognize the profound connection between maternal and child welfare without placing impossible burdens on mothers? Most importantly, can we find the courage to invest in prevention, even when immediate crises demand our attention?

Join us for this thought-provoking discussion that reimagines what's possible when we truly commit to breaking cycles of harm and supporting healthy family connections from the very beginning of life.

Learn more at: https://forbabyssake.org.uk/

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Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.