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In this Episode of "Partnered with a Survivor," Ruth & David speak about the common and normal trauma responses of victims and survivors and how those responses can be used against them by perpetrators and systems charged with safety. Ruth discusses more in depth particular responses to abuse which she experienced and witnessed growing up with over 55 other people in an abusive cult. They talk about how perpetrators use trauma responses to create a culture of fear around disclosure, how professionals turn normal and natural self protective strategies into pathology and how that is used against victims in courts and social services. She also discusses her 'A-ha' moment when she began to study about the Kubark Interrogation Methods used by the military in SERE training for the United States' Special Forces. Ruth discusses how domestic abuse and child abuse create a similar internal response as seen in torture victims to the perpetrator or to anyone who uses threats or force to coerce victims into safety. David gives his practice tips for how to view trauma and torture responses not as a deficit, but as a sign of protection and even strength. He speaks about where systems and workers got this right and where they did not. Specific language, strategies and tools are given in this podcast for greater and more effective partnering which honors and acknowledges trauma responses as being a normal physiological response to extended alarm and harm. 

Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."

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In this episode of "Partnered with a Survivor"  David and Ruth continue their conversation about 'masculinities' and its relationship to power, gender and abuse. In this discussion they pick apart the concept of "toxic masculinity," explore how men's positive (and negative) impact on family functioning is underestimated, and the ways we may be failing in our conversations about gender.  In this exploration of how culture has framed masculinity and femininity as dichotomous principles they discuss how to explore attributes considered classically male such as power, courage, progress without infusing a sense of power over or violence and control. Ruth and David also take a look on how men's behaviors and choices are important to their families, to their partners and to the culture at large, and how we operationalize understanding men as a vital part of the fabric of the health of society. They also discuss how we care for men's ability to nurture their internal emotional world in order to create a sense of stability and safety in their own self. Ruth discusses her pet peeve of that masculinity and violence often view, wrongly, as being innately linked and how that impacts us in our habituation of control and violence as the ultimate excuse of violence by sex, gender and bio-chemical reality. The e-course Working With Men as Parents is discussed as a resource. 

Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events

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In this episode of "Partnered with a Survivor," David and Ruth dive into the huge topic of professionals and their emotional safety and trauma as it intersects with working domestic abuse and child maltreatment. As professionals we all bring experiences and bias into our work, and some of those include our experiences of abuse and violence. Addressing the benefits, challenges and nuances that brings to our work is part of doing the work and increases safety and retention of workers. How does trauma and the judgements we make or the protective patterns of behaviors we adopt impact us in our daily work? Challenges for engagement, documentation, retention and the health and well being of workers are addressed from this lens of what we bring with our own experiences into our professional lives. How trauma needs to be addressed to create sustainability and safety for workers and better outcomes for victims and survivors. Ruth speaks about trauma overlaying on to our experiences both professionally and personally and that part of creating a safe and comfortable professional disclosure is creating a culture which keeps perpetrators and their choices in our view as the cause of that trauma.  David & Ruth discuss how important it is to create organizational and system cultures that give permission for professionals to explore those experiences and their effects on their practice without judgement and with the acknowledgment that not all trauma impacts us negatively but can help us bring a sense of empathy and create a safe space for those who we work with. The book Trauma Stewardship by Laura Van Dernoot Lipsky is highlighted as a resource both for individuals, professionals and systems. 

Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events

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Ruth Stearns Mandel and David Mandel discuss gender double standards and how they impact the work with families.  David shares some of his personal experience as male becoming engaged with the issue of male violence against women, and explores  how the understanding of men's behaviors can help end victim blaming.  The conversation also considers how marginalized men have been denied their importance as fathers.  

Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events

Send us a text

In this episode of Partnered with a Survivor Ruth Stearns Mandel & David Mandel discuss professional and mental health terms commonly used which hide perpetrator responsibility for patterns of abuse. They discuss how this impacts victims moving through systems which are not grounded in a practice of pivoting to focus on the perpetrator's patterns of behavior. David & Ruth also discuss viewing the effects of abuse only as a pathology, a deficit in victims and how this does not honor the full reality of how bodies respond to abuse and harm, and how this leads to victim blaming. They examine mental health and psychological diagnoses which are commonly used by reporting agencies with the intent to help the victim heal but which is often used poorly by systems to the detriment of safety, nurturance and healing. Ruth shares her personal experience in navigating mental health systems for her own healing, as well  how words can be used to hide the realities of abuse in personal relationship.  

Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events

Send us a text

Victim Blaming is a constant element of the failure of systems and individuals to appropriately and effectively address violence and safety. We find victim blaming as a common element no matter where we train in the world, no matter what cultural context we encounter. Why is this so? How does victim blaming impact victims and survivors in their willingness to work with systems, how do systems engage in their own forms of fear based 'coercive control' to try and coerce victims into safety to the detriment of well-being, nurturance and parent child bonding? David Mandel and Ruth Stearns Mandel look at this issue from both a personal and professional lens and break down the different streams of victim blaming and offer concrete advice for how to Partner with Survivors rather than blame them. 

Note: Some of the topics discussed in the episodes are deeply personal and sensitive, which may be difficult for some people. We occasionally use mature language. We often use gender pronouns like “he” when discussing perpetrators and “she” for victims. While both and men and women can be abusive and controlling, and domestic abuse happens in straight and same-sex relationships, the most common situation, when it comes to coercive control, is a male perpetrator and a female victim. Men's abuse toward women is more closely associated with physical injury, fear and control. Similarly, very different expectations of men and women as parents and the focus of Safe & Together on children in the context of domestic abuse makes it impossible to make generic references to gender when it comes to parenting. The Model, through its behavioral focus on patterns of behavior, is useful in identifying and responding to abuse in all situations including same-sex couples and women's use of violence. We think our listeners are sophisticated enough to understand these distinctions. 

Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events

Send us a text

In this premier episode of the podcast, Partnered with a Survivor, Ruth Stearns Mandel and David Mandel, partners in their personal and professional lives, have a far ranging and personal conversation about the relationship between coercive control and consent. Touching on the defense strategy used by Harvey Weinstein, the re-victimization of a British national in a Cyprus rape case to the founding principles of the United States, David & Ruth dive deep into the topic of how coercive control shapes our understanding of consent, and harms our ability to support survivors. 

Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events