How would you react if you found out that your spouse was cheating on you? No doubt it would be a severe shock and you would find yourself filled with anger, surprise, sorrow and all kinds of other emotions. In fact, research shows that the effect of discovering infidelity is so severe it can be likened to recovering from a life-threatening traumatic event.

Today we’re going to be looking at something many wives experience following the disclosure of infidelity which is basically PTSD with a twist. If you’re struggling with your marriage after infidelity then today’s sound, research-based advice, should bring you hope.

A guy called Dennis Ortman literally wrote the book on this in 2005. It’s not a well-researched subject area since it is relatively new. However, this is definitely something I have observed and it is very real[i].

So Ortman noticed that many of his clients who had experienced infidelity within their marriage showed similar patterns of stress in response to the betrayal. I don’t have a reference for this but I remember when I was studying for my masters in the late 2000’s I came across one article that pointed out that 60% of wives who were sexually betrayed shows all but one of the symptoms of PTSD. And Ortman noticed that these spouses he was working with also mirrored the criteria for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

But: it’s worth noting that one of the diagnostic criteria for PTSD is that you have to have witnessed severe bodily harm or death. And of course that doesn’t apply here but he was seeing that all of the other criteria were being met.

So while traditionally understood PTSD would occur in response to witnessing something deeply traumatic and violent, in PISD there is no life-threatening event but the deep impact of the betrayal leads to similar symptoms, including:

Experience of intense fear, helplessness, or horror: Individuals who have experienced infidelity become overwhelmed by feelings of fear, helplessness, and horror when they remember the affair. They live with a constant feeling of helplessness and fear that it will happen again[ii].

Re-experiencing of the event: Victims of infidelity “relive the horror of the event and all the overwhelming feelings, sometimes years later.” Just as a war veteran may duck at the sound of gunfire or have flashbacks of traumatic moments that happened long ago during war, “victims of adultery relive the painful discovery of infidelity[iii]”.

Avoidance of reminders of the event: Victims of infidelity “cope by trying to forget the terrible things that have happened to them by avoiding thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma[iv]”.

Emotional numbing: Victims of infidelity “become so overwhelmed by their feelings of anxiety, rage, and helplessness that they attempt to cope by withdrawing into an emotional cocoon...They detach from life and from themselves to survive the emotional storm[v]”.

Heightened anxiety: Victims of infidelity, “live on high alert for recurrence of the [infidelity].” They struggle to sleep and often have nightmares[vi].

Irritability and rage: “Individuals who have been traumatized become preoccupied with how they have been victimized, which causes them to become angry with the perpetrator, with life, and with themselves. At some level, they blame themselves for allowing the trauma to occur. Consequently, they are often irritable and experience temper outbursts[vii]”.

Why Can Discovery of an Affair Cause Such a Strong Reaction?

The main reason I see for this is that an affair or a betrayal of this magnitude is an incredible blow to the marriage bond. Discovering an affair or discovering porn or sex addiction is a betrayal of trust that shakes your belief in your most important relationship and leaves you feeling vulnerable.

Trust is a fundamental component required for a marriage in order to flourish. Think about it: if you had everything going great in your marriage except...