Pulling The Thread with Elise Loehnen

Social psychologist Carol Tavris, PhD, breaks down cognitive dissonance, why it’s so hard for us to see our own blind spots, the power and danger of self-justification, and the pyramid of choice that can lead us to some unexpected places. She also shares some fascinating findings about anger and catharsis that turn a few assumptions on their head. In doing so, she helps us understand our own behaviors and motives better—and she helps us to see others more clearly.

For the show notes, head over to my Substack.

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Longtime sex-advice columnist and author Dan Savage shares how he thinks about monogamy, marriage, infidelity, and repair. We explore how sex and relationships get conflated. We get into identities, orientations, preferences, language, and how we’re raising kids today. Also, Savage’s take on heteropessimism, what makes a man an attractive partner, and a word he introduced me to: tolyamory, meaning tolerating your lover’s BS. There’s so much to unpack in here, and to keep thinking about.

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“We have to let go of our own patriarchy,” says Elinor Dickson. “And we’re afraid to because it represents control for us.” Dickson spent more than 35 years as a Jungian therapist, and she cowrote the seminal Dancing in the Flames with her good friend Marion Woodman. She’s one of the wise elders of our time. We explore the new universal mythos our culture so badly needs, Dickson’s fascinating historical perspective (including how our modern world is largely shaped by the Great Plague), and why neither a matriarchy or a patriarchy is right for us. Dickson also shares where she sees shoots of hope, and one wild story of synchronicity. 

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In this month’s solo episode, I’m exploring the parts of our culture and our collective that we can own—and impact. And I’m sharing more on the power of triangulation, and how you can use certain systems and tools to better understand yourself, your roles, and what you might be trying to do in work and in life.

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The hilarious Jen Hatmaker (New York Times–bestselling author and host of the podcast For the Love) joins me to chat, in part, about her new memoir Awake. We talk about the moment in her life when everything seemingly dissolved (including her marriage of 26 years and her relationship to the church) and the much deeper awakening that she entered from there, when she truly started to rely on herself.

For the show notes, head to my Substack.

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Katie Hendricks, PhD, is known for helping people use their body’s innate intelligence. She shares some of her most powerful tools and teachings, including: Her fear-melters for when we get caught in fight, flee, freeze, or faint mode. How to play with your pace so that you’re able to get present, instead of just feeling at the effect of everything coming at you. The loop of awareness, which is a tool for shifting your attention and getting the nourishment of somebody else’s aliveness. Why she sorts life into two files every day. How to incrementally start spending more time in your zone of genius. And persona work. These are potent (and often fun) ways to, as Hendrick puts it, be filling your reservoir so that you don’t have to feel victim to overwhelm, or sacrifice yourself to the world.

I’m including a lot in the show notes, including links to the movements for each fear-melter. You’ll find everything on my Substack.

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“I don't think anybody manages to go through their experience incarnated in human form and not have chapters of your life that are like, what literally just happened?” says Elizabeth Gilbert. “How did I end up here and who am I? And where did the ground go beneath my feet?” Today, Gilbert shares the story behind her new memoir, All the Way to the River: Love, Loss, and Liberation. She rightly describes it as the most excavating and the most searching thing she’s ever written. The book, and this conversation, are full of lessons for all of us about what we might search for, and find, in ourselves, in our relationships, and in love.

For the show notes, head over to my Substack.

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“This waiting for approval from daddy—all of that is so antithetical to actually living your own existence,” says psychotherapist Satya Doyle Byock. Today, Byock returns for a conversation about the ego, why it gets a bad rap, and why we need a strong sense of self to be in relationship with anyone. Also: our culture’s ascension myth, and why we have a tendency to misinterpret Jungian psychology and overemphasize the importance of individuation and the drive to transcend. Then, Byock shares something poignant about how life, for her, stays beautiful and bountiful, even in the extreme difficulty of things.

For the show notes (including links to my previous conversations with Satya Doyle Byock and our I Ching video workshop), head over to⁠ my Substack⁠.

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“What does it mean to make change in my life—not from a place that there was something wrong with me?” asks my coauthor Courtney Smith. “But I made choices that have gotten me here. I respect and value those choices. I understand I wouldn’t be here without them. And I'm also choosing to do something a little bit different going forward.” Courtney is a coach, group facilitator, and Enneagram expert. Today, we’re taking you through the seven tools that form the core process of our new workbook Choosing Wholeness Over Goodness: A Process for Reclaiming Your Full Self.

If you want to go deeper, I’m including a lot of interconnected material in the show notes (per usual, though)—including links to my past conversations with Courtney.

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Today it’s just me, sharing a few revelations I’ve had this summer around: The set ages we seemingly get stuck at. Emotions I’m connecting to for the first time in my life (and how certain codes of anger have helped me). How busyness impacts our physical patterns and the way we hold our bodies, or clench our weight. And practicing rejection and building our capacity to hear no, while simultaneously building our capacity to say no. (In this month’s solo episode, I also get into some life-altering experiences I’ve had with different healers, and the new list I compiled of my favorite healers.)

For the show notes, links to all the resources I mention in the episode, and my new workbook Choosing Wholeness Over Goodness—head over to my Substack.

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