Recovering Out Loud

Difficult people aren't going anywhere. The resentment you carry about them is optional. In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, I talk about dealing with difficult people in addiction recovery, and why acceptance doesn't mean approval, putting up with mistreatment, or becoming a doormat.

We start with a question: who have you argued with most this week who wasn't even in the room? The rehearsed argument in the car or the shower. You win it every time and still feel worse. That's the part I want to look at.

In this episode: • Why a disturbance is information about me, not a verdict on them • The resentment I carried for years about people with money, and how I finally saw it was mine • The famous "page 417" acceptance passage from 12-step literature, and how it gets misread as "just put up with it" • Acceptance vs. approval: swapping "the way it's supposed to be" for "the way it is" • Radical acceptance from DBT (Marsha Linehan), and a quick note on the God word for secular listeners • The Serenity Prayer as a sorting tool, not just comfort • Boundaries as acceptance in action: accepting someone doesn't mean handing them a key to your house • What the research says about acceptance-based approaches to substance use • The uncomfortable one: sometimes the difficult person is me

Try this after listening:

1. Mine / Not Mine: two columns. Their tone, choices and opinion of you go under Not Mine. Your response goes under Mine.
2. "Is" not "should": swap "they shouldn't be like this" for "this is how they are right now."
3. Boundary script: "When you ___, I'm going to ___." It's about your action, not their behaviour, and it can stay internal.
4. Pause when agitated: create space between the feeling and the decision.

This is lived experience and peer perspective, not clinical advice. If you're struggling, talk to someone you trust, a recovery community, or a professional.

Research mentioned: Lee, E. B., An, W., Levin, M. E., & Twohig, M. P. (2015). An initial meta-analysis of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for treating substance use disorders. Drug and Alcohol Dependence, 155, 1–7.

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Recovery: simple, not easy.

• AA Grapevine – Talking with Dr. Paul

• Recovery Answers – ACT meta-analysis summary (Lee et al., 2015)

• Lee et al. (2015), Drug and Alcohol Dependence 155

• AA Agnostica – critique of the acceptance passage

Perception vs. perspective in addiction recovery: why your gut read isn't the truth — and how to change where you're standing.

Someone doesn't text back and your brain has the whole movie written in half a second: they're mad, they're talking about you, it's over. In early sobriety, those stories feel like facts — and a lot of us have relapsed, or come close, over stories exactly like that.

In this solo episode, Anthony breaks down the difference between perception (the fast, automatic read — often wrong) and perspective (where you're looking from — slower, and something you can choose). Perception is the picture. Perspective is the camera angle.

From lived experience in recovery since 2015, Anthony shares the night in treatment he was certain his wife had crashed her car, the elevator conversation where his addict brain decided a stranger was high, and why his mentor almost always takes his wife's side — and why he's grateful for it.

What we cover:

• Why addiction tilts your attention toward triggers — what researchers call attentional bias — and why the liquor store seems to glow in early sobriety
• Feelings aren't facts: how resentments, paranoia and "everyone's judging me" start as a guess that feels true
• The CBT move of catching an automatic thought and testing it
• A self-talk trick using your own name that research suggests can calm emotional reactions with little extra effort
• Borrowing someone else's eyes — sponsor, mentor, coach, friend
• Changing the time angle on problems, cravings and urges
• Why perspective isn't denial

Four tools to try this week:

1. Say your own name — "Why is Anthony so angry?" instead of "Why am I so angry?"
2. Ask two questions — What's the actual evidence? What else could this mean?
3. Borrow someone else's eyes — "Here's what happened. How does it look from where you're standing?"
4. Play the tape forward — Will this matter in five days, five months, five years? With a craving, picture the next morning, not the first drink.

How willing are you to be wrong about one more thing? Pick one tool, try it, and tell us how it went.

This is peer support and lived experience, not clinical advice. If you're struggling, reach out to a professional, your local crisis line, or someone you trust in recovery.

Research mentioned:

• Field, Munafò & Franken (2009), Psychological Bulletin — attentional bias and craving meta-analysis
• Field, Marhe & Franken (2014), CNS Spectrums — clinical relevance of attentional bias in substance use disorders
• Magill & Ray (2009), Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs — CBT meta-analysis of 53 trials
• Moser, Kross et al. (2017), Scientific Reports — third-person self-talk and emotion regulation

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Recovery is simple, not easy.

"I've got this" was my problem for years: I've got it under control, I'll figure it out on my own. Before my relapse after seven and a half years sober, it was the same voice: I don't need to tell anyone. This won't blow up in my face.

In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, I talk about cutting your ego down to size without cutting yourself down, and about keeping the part of your ego you actually need.

We get into:

• What the ego really is: the part that says "I can handle it," "rules are for other people," and "I'm different," and how it showed up for me at my third treatment center
• Surrender vs. compliance: being a member, an attender, or a pretender, and why the only thing an alcoholic has to surrender is their judgment
• Humility vs. humiliation: why "tear them down to build them up" backfires, and a study that found shame, not guilt, predicted relapse in early sobriety
• Right-sizing: "I'm the worst person in this room" is still ego, just upside down. You're not God, you're not the sheriff of the universe, and you're not garbage either.
• Why you need some ego to stay sober: the difference between "I've got this" and "I can do this," and building a proof list of hard things you've done sober (David Goggins calls it the cookie jar)
• How the ego comes back in long-term sobriety. I never relapsed when things got bad. I relapsed when I got cocky.
• Service as daily right-sizing, and the best high in recovery

The takeaway: you don't want a big ego or no ego. You want one that's the right size, humble enough to ask for help and strong enough to believe you're worth it.

This week: start your proof list. Write down one hard thing you've done sober and DM me what it is on Instagram @recoveringoutloudpod

Shared from lived experience and peer perspective, not clinical advice. If you're struggling, reach out to a doctor, a treatment provider, or someone in your recovery community.

Research mentioned:

• Harry Tiebout, "Surrender versus Compliance in Therapy" (1953) and "The Ego Factors in Surrender in Alcoholism"
• Randles & Tracy (2013), "Nonverbal displays of shame predict relapse and declining health in recovering alcoholics," Clinical Psychological Science
• Kadden & Litt (2011), "The role of self-efficacy in the treatment of substance use disorders," Addictive Behaviors
• Research on service, humility and relapse in adolescents in residential treatment
• "Humility and 12-Step Recovery," Alcoholism Treatment Quarterly (2016)

Getting sober doesn't fix your life. It gives you a chance to fix it. Ten harsh truths from 11 years in recovery.

Nobody really tells you about the hard parts of addiction recovery — or if they do, you're not ready to hear them. In this solo episode, Anthony shares ten truths he's learned the hard way across 11 years in and out of recovery, including a relapse after seven and a half years of sobriety. None of it is meant to shame anyone. It stings first. Then it sets you free.

This is lived experience, not a rule book — and definitely not everybody's experience.

In this episode:

- Why getting sober turns up the volume on the problems drinking and using were covering

- Why not everyone will be happy you're sober — and grieving the old drinking buddies

- Amends: clearing your side of the street without expecting a result

- Relapse is common, but it isn't the end (and it isn't a license)

- Why most people take more than one serious run at recovery

- When the pink cloud ends and the boredom shows up

- Dry vs. recovered: you can be sober and still miserable

- The paradox: nobody can do it for you, and you can't do it alone

- Feelings coming back — sitting with them, not in them

- Why recovery has no finish line, and why that's a gift

Numbers mentioned:

- Relapse rates for substance use disorders: 40–60%, comparable to hypertension and asthma — National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), Drugs, Brains, and Behavior.

- Serious recovery attempts before resolving a substance problem: median 2, mean ~5 — Kelly et al. (2019), Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research.

- ~22 million U.S. adults (9.1%) report having resolved a significant alcohol or drug problem — Kelly et al. (2017), Drug and Alcohol Dependence.

If this one landed, follow Recovering Out Loud and leave a rating — it helps someone else find it. Real stories.

Recovering Out Loud is a peer-led podcast sharing lived experience. It is not medical or clinical advice. If you're struggling, reach out to someone you trust or a local support service.

What's the real difference between an alcoholic and a normal drinker? Old-timer Bob D. has an answer.

In this Borrowed Wisdom episode, Anthony breaks down a speaker talk from Bob D. on the disease of alcoholism — and why, in Bob's words, he didn't become an alcoholic because he drank; he drank the way he did because he's an alcoholic.

We get into:

• The chicken or the egg — does drinking cause alcoholism, or does something come first? Bob believes he was born this way. Anthony isn't sure — and why that question matters less than the solution.
• The geographic cure — why moving cities never fixes it. Wherever you go, there you are.
• Two kinds of wiring — a normal drinker feels a buzz and backs off. An alcoholic feels the same buzz and hits the gas. "Losing control" vs. "about to get control."
• Never "just right" — the phenomenon of craving, chasing the dragon, and the stimulant/benzo cycle of trying to be your own chemist.
• Feeling normal only when half lit — the invisible wall at the party, and how recovery lets you feel "a part of" without substances.
• Restless, irritable and discontent — the dog circling the room, and "chronic malcontent": the new car that's the wrong colour three weeks later.
• Head vs. heart — the difference between admitting you have a problem and getting it in your innermost self. Watch your feet.
• The downside of getting better — how a good life can seduce you into a false sense of okayness, and how that played into Anthony's own 7.5-year relapse.
• When the obsession returns — why people who relapse after years often say they'd have bet anything they'd never drink again.

This is lived experience and peer perspective, not clinical advice. 12-step, SMART Recovery, therapy, rehab, sober coaching — find the path that works for you, then do the work.

Want the link to Bob D.'s full talk? DM me on Instagram.

@recoveringoutloudpod

If no one's told you today — we love you. Recovery is simple, not easy.

Sobriety didn't switch off my alcoholic thinking. 5 things I still do in addiction recovery — and how I catch them.

Putting down the drink and the drug was the start, not the finish. My problem was never just drugs and alcohol — it's me, my perception, and the way I try to escape pain. Left unchecked, that alcoholic thinking runs quietly in the background and turns into resentment, fear, anxiety and anger. And eventually, a drink.

In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, I walk through five things I still catch myself doing almost two years into my second run at sobriety:

1. More is better — swapping the bottle for something else. Coffee, sugar, vapes, the gym, scrolling, work. Cross addiction is real, and so is channelling an obsessive brain into something that helps.
2. Right now or never — instant gratification, the text you shouldn't send, and why I make things worse every time I try to force an outcome.
3. Resentment on repeat — rehearsing arguments in the shower, keeping score, and learning to just let them.
4. Running the show — control, people pleasing, and the difference between being kind and being nice.
5. The mask — image management, the highlight reel, and the gap between recovering publicly and recovering honestly.

Plus: the best part of recovery (a 30-day text from a guy I'm working with), an update on my school situation and the "push or pivot" moment that came out of it, and three questions you can ask yourself about each of these.

This is lived experience and peer perspective — not clinical advice. If any of these land for you, tell me which one in the comments.

Staying sober through adversity while you're still in it — not the highlight reel after.

This one's recorded from inside the hard middle. I'm in the middle of something with school right now that could change my path, and instead of waiting until it's tied up with a bow, I wanted to talk about what actually gets people through while it's still messy — and why so many come out the other side changed for the better.

We get into pain versus suffering (pain × resistance = suffering), post-traumatic growth and the five places research says growth tends to show up, and the Stockdale Paradox — holding total faith that you'll get through it alongside the discipline to face the brutal facts right now. Faith without facts is denial. Facts without faith is despair.

Then the practical stuff: four inner moves and four outer moves for getting through a hard stretch without picking up.

Inner moves

1. Accept what's actually here (acceptance isn't approval)
2. Shrink the timeline to the next right thing
3. Don't believe everything your mind says in a storm
4. Protect the boring basics — sleep, food, water, movement

Outer moves 5. Let people in 6. Ask for specific help 7. Do one thing for someone else 8. Find a thread of meaning — carefully, and on your own schedule

Some adversity is just loss, and it stays loss. Growth is something you notice looking back, not something you owe anyone while you're hurting. Two things can be true.

If you're in the hard middle right now: text one person the truth today.

This is lived experience and peer perspective, not clinical advice.

Relapse is emotional before it's physical. The 5 slow killers that take us out — and how to get ahead of each one before it gets ahead of you.

None of these five feel like drinking. They feel like normal life — a grudge you're nursing, a secret you're carrying, a Friday night with nothing in it. That's exactly why they're dangerous. By the time a drink is in your hand, the relapse already happened weeks ago, quietly, in your head.

In this solo episode, Anthony walks through the five things he watches for in his own recovery — the quiet stuff that moves first:

This is peer perspective and lived experience, not clinical advice — one person in recovery sharing what's kept him sober. Anthony has been in recovery since 2015, came back from a relapse, and is sharing the tools that help him stay ahead of his own disease.

Everybody hands you a journal in early recovery and says "use it" — nobody tells you what to do with it. So this episode is the missing manual: six journaling techniques (plus a bonus), what each one is actually for, and what the evidence does and doesn't back up.

This isn't "dear diary." Different methods do different jobs, and matching the technique to the day is the whole game.

Bottom line: journaling is a tool, not a cure. The research is modest and mixed, not miraculous. It works with your program, not instead of it — and if writing about the hard stuff cracks open something you can't hold, that's the signal to reach for a person, not just a pen.

Peer to peer, one alcoholic addict's experience — not medical or clinical advice.

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— Anthony

How addiction treatment went from moral failing to disease to harm reduction — 240 years of recovery history, told through lived experience. This is a peer recovery podcast, not medical advice.

I'm Anthony, an alcoholic and addict in recovery since 2015. In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, I walk the whole arc of how society has explained and treated addiction — moral failing, disease, medicine, harm reduction — and why every one of those models is still alive in the room today. You can meet all of them in one 12-step meeting, one hospital, one comment section.

The 12 steps are younger than the telephone. Methadone is younger than television. Almost everything we call "treatment" was invented inside living memory. Here's the timeline:

From sin, to disease, to medicine, to just keeping people alive — each model didn't replace the last. They're all still in the room, arguing. Recovery isn't one thing and never has been. Whatever door worked for you — 12 steps, medication, harm reduction, a fellowship — it exists because people before us refused to accept moral failure as the final word.

The opposite of addiction is connection.