Recovering Out Loud

Ten weird things my alcoholic brain still does in recovery — and why none of them run my life anymore.

I've been in recovery since 2015. I relapsed around seven and a half years in, and I'm back — a year and a half sober again. This is a solo one: just me laughing at my own brain out loud, because I'm convinced it works differently than someone who doesn't have this thing. For me, alcoholism is a disease of perception — I'm the center, everyone else is just orbiting, and I only ever get my own lens.

So I made a list of the patterns I still catch myself running. The arguments I win against strangers who have no idea we're fighting. The "must be nice" my brain mutters when I clock someone else using. The full movie of every possible outcome it insists on screening before anything's even happened. Some of it's funny. Some of it is the exact thinking that used to drink at me. Most of it, I'd bet, you'll recognize.

Here's the part that matters: today I can watch all of it happen and just go, "oh, I'm doing that thing again" — and let it pass. The space between the thought and the action gets bigger. It gets quieter. That's what showing up does.

If you're in it right now and can't stop drinking or using: keep showing up. Find someone in recovery who has what you want, and do what they did. Simple, not easy.

If no one's told you today — I love you. Recovery is simple, not easy.

Ten recovery myths that keep people stuck — from someone sober again after a hard relapse. Almost everything I thought I knew about getting sober turned out to be wrong, and some of it nearly cost me my life. In this solo episode I go through ten of the biggest myths I hear online, from friends, and in the news — why each one sticks around, and what's tended to be truer in my actual experience.

I'm a year and a half sober after seven and a half years of continuous sobriety and a relapse I didn't see coming. So I've been on both sides of most of these: the version of me that believed them, and the version that lived long enough to find out they were false. This isn't clinical advice and I'm not a doctor — it's lived experience, peer to peer. Take what you like and leave the rest.

We cover:

• Whether you really have to "hit rock bottom" first (and what a bottom actually is)
• Why addiction was never about willpower for me
• The "once you're sober you're cured" trap — and why sober is the starting line, not the finish
• What relapse does and doesn't erase
• Why "do it on your own" kept me sick
• The high-functioning myth ("I'm not bad enough to need help")
• Medication in recovery — and why that's between you and your doctor
• The moderation fantasy
• The idea that recovery is boring
• Whether you have to "want it" before treatment can work

If one of these lands for you, that's the point. Write your own myths in the comments.

CHEF DEV IS BACK...A counsellor once asked Devan: what's wrong with the way you feel? This is that conversation.

Chef Devan Rajkumar Today, he travels and cooks across different cities, constantly learning, evolving, and refining his approach. Every kitchen, every culture, and every experience adds to how he creates. He stays curious, asks questions, and continues to grow because great food comes from understanding, not ego.

He was filling out intake forms in treatment, and where they asked why he got high, he wrote the honest answer — I love the feeling of it. The counsellor read it back and asked him one question that took years to really land: what's wrong with the way you feel? That question sits underneath everything we get into here.

We start somewhere lighter — cutting the "jacked guys" out of an Instagram feed — and end up on steroids, peptides and Ozempic as drugs, and the question neither of us fully answered: are you still sober if you're on gear? From there it goes where the real ones go. Body shaming and the comments that stick — the uncle who says "you got fat" before he says hello. The guilt and shame under the attention. And the root of it: what are you actually escaping from?

Devan opens up about the mask, the people-pleasing, and putting the oxygen mask on everyone but himself. We talk about how you help someone who won't help themselves, the bridge you can't see until you've crossed it, and why early recovery feels impossible from the inside. Then the stuff that keeps us here: quitting cigarettes and finally deciding if I put it in my body, it has to be good for me. The double life and the secrets that fuel relapse — because in my experience it was never the substance, it was the behaviours around it. The strivers' curse — trading the addiction for a stacked calendar and an overtrained body. Spirituality as humility and gratitude. Seva — selfless service with nobody watching. And a moment I didn't expect, where Devan gets honest about where his own program is thin right now, and decides to do something about it.

Nobody in this one has it all figured out. That's the point. If you've ever sat in a room thinking you're the worst one doing this, this episode is for you.

This is a peer conversation — lived experience, not clinical or professional advice.

👋 If this hit home
Follow Recovering Out Loud so the next one finds you, and leave a rating if the show's ever helped — it's the single biggest thing that helps another struggling person find us. 

What happens when you tell people you're sober — and how to handle every reaction.

Getting sober is one job. Telling people you're sober is a completely separate one — and it never really ends. New party, new drink in someone's outstretched hand, and there you are deciding again how to say it. In this solo episode, Anthony walks through the reactions you'll actually get when you tell people you don't drink, what each one really means (spoiler: it's usually about them, not you), and how much you actually owe anyone.

This is one person's lived experience, not a rulebook. Everybody's disclosure looks different — take what helps and leave the rest.

Inside this episode:

• The five reactions — the Defensive Drinker, the "Good For You," the Pusher, the Pity, and the Fighter — and what's driving each
• Why disclosure and anonymity are two different things (you can be open about being sober without ever naming a program)
• The full menu of what to say, from "I don't drink" as a complete sentence to the lines that shut down a pusher
• Handling it in the wild: dating, work, family, and the old friend groups who only ever knew you with a drink in your hand
• The reframe that takes their reaction off your shoulders — and the upside almost nobody mentions

If you're finding your footing in sobriety, being open about it out loud turns a private struggle into something with a door in it. That's the whole point of the show.

Follow Recovering Out Loud so the next episode finds you, and if it helped, leave a rating — it's the single biggest thing that helps someone else find the show.

💬 Comment: what reaction caught you off guard, and what do you say when someone asks why you're not drinking?

Recovering Out Loud — Real stories.

The Four Agreements, read through a recovery lens — words, resentment, assumptions, and doing your best.

A quiet 1997 book that keeps showing up in the rooms, even though it wasn't written for them. I go

through all four agreements and how each maps onto staying sober — the self-talk that runs on

autopilot, the gossip that turns fellowship into a rumor mill, the resentments we build out of

things that were never about us, and the perfectionism that punishes an imperfect day into a

relapse. Peer perspective and lived experience only — not professional advice.

Pick one agreement. Live with it for seven days. Notice what shifts.

In paid partnership with New Beginnings Recovery Home (newbeginningsrecovery.ca). DM HOME for info.

Follow Recovering Out Loud on Spotify and tap the bell. If no one told you today — I love you.

The thing that almost killed me and the thing keeping me sober are the same voice: ego.

In this solo episode I break down ego the way it actually shows up in recovery — not the loudmouth cliché, but the quiet self-centeredness underneath it. Ego has two faces that trade shifts: the top of the seesaw ("I've got this, the rules don't apply to me") and the bottom ("I'm the worst, nobody's been through what I've been through"). Grandiosity and self-pity are the same lie wearing different clothes — the lie that I'm the center of the story.

I get into how ego keeps us sick: it's the bouncer at the door of help. Terminal uniqueness ("my situation is different, so I don't have to do the work"). Being right over being well. Comparison — measuring my insides against everyone else's outsides, the thief of joy. And the complacency trap, where the longer you're sober the quieter ego gets, until it whispers one won't hurt. I share the Jamaica story — two years sober, funnels on the beach, and the pause that let me play the tape all the way through.

Then resentment and relapse: how ego keeps a ledger, charges interest, and builds the on-ramp back one justification at a time. (Yes, there's an elevator story.)

The back half is the antidote — humility. Not humiliation, not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less. Right-sizing. Asking for help before I'm on fire. Staying teachable. Service that inconveniences me. Getting honest with someone, because secrets keep you sick. The goal was never to kill the ego — recovery is an ego-deflating process. Start from zero every day, catch the voice a little quicker, and stop letting it drive the bus.

If no one's told you yet today: I love you. And remember — recovery is simple, not easy.

Book mentioned: Emotional Sobriety: The Next Frontier

New Beginnings Recovery Home — this episode is supported by New Beginnings Recovery Home, a disclosed partner of the show. If you or someone you love needs a next step, DM the word HOME and we'll point you in the right direction. newbeginningsrecovery.ca

The thing that kept me sober turned out to be the thing that made me better at being a person.

Recovery isn't just about not using — it's a full retraining in how to be a human being. Most of us don't notice how many of those skills transfer until we're using them on a Tuesday at work. Today I walk through the six that followed me out the door of rehab and straight into a better life — not just financially, but in my relationships and how I show up.

The 6 skills:

1. The pause — the gap between an urge and your action, and how it grows the longer you stay sober
2. HALT — hungry, angry, lonely, tired: scan your own state before you decide the problem is your marriage
3. One day at a time — shrinking the unit of time you're responsible for so the impossible becomes doable
4. Rigorous honesty — you can't stay sober on a foundation of secrets, and the honest version of you is more trustworthy than the polished one
5. Amends over apology — sorry is a sentence; an amends is a pattern change
6. Asking for help — the "I should handle this myself" voice is the same one that almost killed me

These aren't recovery hacks. They're life skills most people never get formally taught — school skips emotional regulation. Getting sober forced me to learn them under pressure. What a gift.

Peer perspective only — this isn't medical or clinical advice. If you're struggling or in crisis, please reach out to someone you trust or a local support line.

Which skill are you going to use this week? Tell me in the comments.

This episode is supported by New Beginnings Recovery Home (newbeginningsrecovery.ca). If you or someone you love needs a supportive place to land go to their website

Money, cars, a house — all recoverable. Your health and your life aren't. That's one of ten lessons I pulled from the consequences of my addiction.

Before I get into them: if you hear one of these and think "mine wasn't that bad" or "mine was worse" — stop comparing. Look for the similarities, not the differences. Our circumstances differ, but I know addiction, so I know what you're going through.

After 11 years in and around recovery — a relapse at seven and a half years, and a year and a half back now — here's what the wreckage taught me:

1. It always gets worse when I pick up. I'm the cautionary tale.
2. Debt — and finding out shopping was a cross-addiction I still have to watch
3. The accidents: "I haven't done it yet" beats "I'd never do that"
4. A health scare that showed me exactly where I was headed
5. Being homeless isn't fun — and how a lower bottom finally got me ready
6. Losing jobs, and pointing the finger inward
7. Jekyll and Hyde: I become a different person when I use
8. Honesty is the best policy — especially when it costs me
9. Material things come back. Health and life often don't.
10. Accountability, forgiveness, and the family that isn't owed to me

Peer perspective only — this isn't medical or clinical advice. If you're struggling or in crisis, please reach out to someone you trust or a local support line.

Which lesson hit hardest? Tell me in the comments.

This episode is supported by New Beginnings Recovery Home (newbeginningsrecovery.ca) — the same place I go to share my story with clients. If you or someone you love needs a supportive place to land, DM the word HOME and our automation will point you in the right direction. (Disclosed partnership.)

Recovering Out Loud — Real stories.

Sober and bitter isn't recovery — it's the same disease in a suit. That's opinion #1, and there are six more.

After 11 years in and around recovery — including a relapse at seven and a half years and a year and a half back — these are the takes I've landed on that don't always match the popular line. I'm not preaching them as fact. I'm open to being wrong, and I want to hear where you disagree.

Peer perspective only — this isn't medical or clinical advice. If you're struggling or in crisis, reach out to someone you trust or a local support service.

Which one poked a bruise? Tell me in the comments — agree, disagree, or the ones I missed.

This episode is supported by New Beginnings Recovery Home (newbeginningsrecovery.ca). If you or someone you love needs a supportive place to land, DM the word HOME and our automation will point you in the right direction.

Recovering Out Loud — Real stories.

Your feelings are real — but they're not reality. That's the line that reframed how I do recovery, and it's the heart of today's Borrowed Wisdom.

I'm reading the highlight quotes from one of my favourite speaker tapes — Don M. on emotional sobriety — and adding my own lived-experience take. This one's about the crux of staying sober long-term: your feelings are valid, but they don't get to run the show.

We get into:

• Creating space between a feeling and an action — including a near-miss with a Tesla in a downtown Toronto bike lane, and the one thing recovery gave me: the pause
• The "illness of superlatives" and all-or-nothing thinking
• Reframing addiction from the worst thing that ever happened to me into the greatest gift
• Why "first thought wrong" keeps showing up disguised as common sense
• Not buying into resentment, and letting go of outcomes — trusting the author when I can't see the plan
• Recovery as a doing program, not a thinking one
• Rock bottom as a decision I've got a world of control over
• The one contrary action that separates the person who stays sober from the one who can't

If you're struggling today, I hope one line in here lands for you. You're not as stuck as your brain is telling you.

Peer perspective only — this isn't medical or clinical advice. If you're in crisis or need real help, reach out to someone you trust or a local support service.

New here? Start with the pinned "Best place to start" episode on the show page.

This episode is supported by New Beginnings Recovery Home (newbeginningsrecovery.ca). If you or someone you love needs a supportive place to land, DM the word HOME and our automation will point you in the right direction. (Disclosed partnership.)

Recovering Out Loud — Real stories.