Episode 452 - How Do You Stop Comparing Yourself to Others in Recovery?

Today we have Emilee. She is 33 from Double Springs, AL and has been alcohol free since February 26th, 2023.

We are in the process of building some incredible events for the upcoming year, to new locations, and types of retreats we have never done before.

Our flagship annual retreat in Bozeman, Montana in August, then we are working on an AF travel trip in October 2024 with possible destinations being India, Vietnam, or the Camino de Santiago in Spain. But even before those events, we are working on Two retreats in Guanacaste, Costa Rica. Keep an eye out for more info: Recovery Elevator events.

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[02:55] Highlights from Paul:

Today’s question is from Dale: How do I stop comparing myself to others in Recovery?

This is a BIG PICTURE question. An issue that probably didn’t arise when you quit drinking. I’m guessing this is something you have been doing for quite some time.

Part of this is healthy. You’ll want to model your sobriety after someone who seems to have done the work, or who has what you want. You’ll want to compare parts of your journey with theirs… But the key is not to have it consume you.

Paul shares his thoughts on this topic and reminds us that comparison is all part of the human condition and to know that when one person blooms, we all receive the benefit.

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[10:30]: Kris introduces Emilee:

Emilee is 33 from Double Springs, AL. She is married and they have one daughter together. For work, she is a high school algebra teacher and for fun she enjoys doing outdoor activities including hunting and fishing and she also enjoys playing the piano, working out and cooking.

While growing up, Emilee didn’t have much exposure to alcohol. She says she was always shy growing up and it wasn’t until she was 19 that a boyfriend introduced her to  a group of friends that drank a lot. In that environment, she discovered a different version of herself that was much more outgoing. This went on for a few months, but her drinking decreased for about a year before she went to college.

Emilee managed to keep with her studies but when she drank it was always to excess. She was home for the summer when her father suddenly passed away. She had to go back to school very soon after it happened and while she didn’t drink to cope with it, she had a lot of anxiety and was just going through the motions.  

After graduating from college, Emilee got married and then got her first teaching job all in a short period of time. While the first year of her new career was very stressful, Emilee started a routine of getting alcohol on the way home from work and drinking throughout the evening. Her husband was also drinking and after a while they both started putting parameters on it. They eventually tried to quit, but that didn’t last, and Emilee started finding herself hiding her drinking and preferring drinking alone.

While pregnant, Emilee was able to stop drinking. She remained sober for a few months after having her daughter, but gradually started going back to her old habits. Emilee says she never really dealt with her father’s death so her emotions would come up a lot when she would get drunk.

Emilee started feeling the pull to quit drinking. She got a bunch of books and was able to stop for a few days at a time. Listening to the RE podcast would often keep her from stopping at the store for alcohol. Learning the science of what alcohol does to our bodies also helped her quit. Since quitting drinking Emilee feels that her relationships have improved.

Emilee’s favorite resources in recovery: RE podcast and Café RE.

Emilee’s parting piece of guidance: don’t quit quitting.

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Episode 451 – What to Say to Someone Who is About to Drink

Today we have Grant. He is 54 from Sacramento, CA and took his last drink on August 10th, 2020.

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[02:16] Highlights from Paul:

We are five weeks into our Q & A series. This week’s question comes from Sarah C. “What can you say to someone, so they don’t drink?” Or how to help someone not drink.

Paul gives us some tried and true methods that work and strategies that the Recovery Elevator team believe in. Here are a few suggestions that Paul shares with us:

Tough love does not work, so a tone or stance of unconditional love needs to be present when confronting a friend who is about to drink.

Quick note about boundaries. Talking with people that are drunk can be triggering, and little can be done. Ask them to call you in the morning or when they are sober.

Being there with your presence, whether it is in person, via the phone or FaceTime, or Zoom, is the best thing you can do to help them. Holding space provides a safe container for the person to feel the feels, sit front and center with a craving and not feel judged or criticized.

You can also ask them about their “why”. Having them be clear on their “why” again is never a bad idea. You can also remind them that alcohol has been ruined. Drinking while knowing that alcohol no longer has a place in your life isn’t fun.

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[10:48]: Paul introduces Grant:

Grant is 54 and lives in Sacramento, CA. He is married and they have two young adult kids. He enjoys hiking and the area he lives in has a lot of nice places he explores. Grant works in research and public policy work in California and now focuses on addiction and recovery.

Grant says his first experience with alcohol was when he was 12. A friend had procured a bottle of brandy and they both ended up drinking to the point of going to the hospital. He drank through junior high and high school with a group of friends on weekends. The drinking continued in college, and he started trying other substances as well. Grant says there weren’t many consequences.

When Grant was in his 30’s after they had children, he found that alcohol helped him take the stress off. He quickly switched from beer to vodka that was easier to hide. He was succeeding at work which stressed him out more than he realized. He says it took some time but eventually he was drinking in the morning just to feel normal.

In 2019 someone from HR confronted Grant about smelling of alcohol and he told them that he was an alcoholic. He couldn’t admit it to his wife initially but started looking for outpatient treatment. He was able to quit for a time but relapsed after a painful experience with work which found him resigning and taking a new job with a pay cut. At this point Grant had joined Café RE and left home for a little while to live in a sober living house. He learned a lot while he was there and realized that he was going to have to do things differently.

After sober living, Grant started a home breathalyzer program to help him stay motivated. A meetup with fellow Café RE members gave Grant another turning point and realized that he was on the right path.

In recovery, Grant started volunteering with a non-profit in the addiction and recovery field. He also started listening to another recovery podcast where he shared information about addiction and recovery. He left to work for the non-profit called Shatterproof which helps people find treatment and recovery with their Treatment Atlas. Grant also has his own website about addiction and recovery – Sober Linings Playbook.

[53:19] Paul closes the episode with a poem from Peter, a Café RE member.

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Episode 450 – What are Alcohol Withdrawals Like in the First Week?

Today we have Sarah. She is 46 and lives in Buckhannon, WV. Sarah has been alcohol free since December 15, 2022.

Our latest Ditching The Booze course begins tonight at 7:30pm EDT/4:30pm PDT and it is not too late to register. The 5-week course is called Writing a New Narrative and is designed to help you explore your sobriety story through journaling and writing prompts and it is free for Café RE members.

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[02:23] Highlights from Paul:

We are four weeks into our ten-episode Q & A series and today’s question is “what are alcohol withdrawals like in the first week?” This question as asked by Robyn in Café RE Blue.

The answer to this is going to depend on how much you drink on a daily or nightly basis and it’s not a one size fits all answer.

I highly recommend detoxing under medical supervised care if you consume more than 6-8 drinks daily and have been doing so for several months or years. Quitting cold turkey can be life threatening. 72 hours is the magic number. Once you hit this number, the worst of the physical components are behind you.

Paul shares some tips for navigating the first week and shares some of the changes our bodies go through. The whole withdrawal process from one week to several months has a term called PAWS or post-acute withdrawal symptoms. Check out the YouTube video Paul did about this.

Thank you, Robyn, for the question, if you want a question answered on the podcast, send your questions to [email protected].

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[13:41]: Kris introduces Sarah:

Sarah currently lives in West Virginia, works in higher learning, and has two daughters and three stepchildren. For fun Sarah enjoys arts and crafts, DIY things, and enjoys plants.

In high school, Sarah did not drink but grew up around a lot of drinking by her extended family. She never saw anything negative about it. In her early twenties she joined the Air Force where drinking is prevalent. At one point she had a few friends approach her about her drinking to which Sarah took offense. Over the course of the next several years she continued to drink the same way. Despite small consequences, she didn’t feel like she had a problem.

Around 10 years ago she and her husband were in counseling. She stated in a session that she needed some help and went to rehab after which she was able to stay sober briefly. Sarah says she got a lot out of her time in rehab. For a short period of time Sarah was able to drink moderately, but it increased after a series of negative life events. She started noticing the negative side effects of heavy drinking physically and emotionally.

When Sarah got sober this time, she knew she needed to join a community, and someone recommended Café RE to her. She has made great friends since being there and feels like this time in sobriety has been easy and she earned for it to be.

Sarah’s plan for recovery moving forward: to keep doing the work, attend more chats and start thinking about how to serve others.

Sarah’s parting piece of guidance: talk about it and reach out with others that have similar experiences.

[59:20] Kris’ closing:

One last reminder that Thursday October 5th is the Recovery Reinvented conference. In person and online attendance is 100% free.

Fall is here and Kris is ready for it. He reminds us all to get out there and play. Do all the fall things. Slow down, take a breath, and enjoy the moment you are in.

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Episode 449 - How to Make it Through Your First Sober Concert?

Today we have Santino. He is 35 from Taunton, MA and took his last drink on May 24th, 2022.

Our latest Ditching the Booze course begins Monday October 2nd at 7:30pm EDT/4:30pm PDT and is free to Café RE members. The 5-week course is called Writing a New Narrative and is designed to help you explore your sobriety story through journaling and writing prompts.

Cafe RE - Use the promo code OPPORTUNITY to waive the set-up fee.

We have partnered with Sober Link.  You can find some tips and can sign up for a $50 off promo code.

[03:05] Highlights from Paul:

Today’s question comes from Kelly in our Café RE Up Group. The question is “how do you make it through your first sober concert?”

The first of eight fantastic tips include giving yourself a little alcohol-free time before going to a concert. Once you’ve got some time under your belt, and the cravings are in check, then you can hit the green light on concerts.  Regardless of how many days you have, if you are feeling squirrely the dray of the concert then sit it out.  Sobriety is the priority.

Paul then shares several tips to include:

-       Always have a non-alcoholic beverage in hand.

-       Do not volunteer to be the DD.

-       Make sure everyone you are attending with knows your intentions.

Some of the best parts about sober concerts? You will remember it. You will save money. You won’t get a DUI on the drive home.

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[10:14]: Paul introduces Santino:

Santino is a repeat guest and has maintained his sobriety since his last appearance on episode 397 where he was on day 43.

Santino is married and has one son. For fun, he loves going outside in nature to go hiking and go to the beach, but he also says that there is fun in everything since quitting drinking.

Santino had his first drink as a young teen. His mom was a single parent for a while, and he feels that he may have started drinking because the absence of his father bothered him. He learned that alcohol became a friend to him, and he feels like he used it for connection with his father and in contrast, to disconnect from her mother.

Santino joined the Air Force out of high school and found alcohol to be part of the culture. Between his early 20s and his early 30s he started deliberately planning his drinking to include before going out and drinking alone. Santino says he used a lot of rationalization that he wasn’t as bad as other people when it came to how he drank. He often pushed off having to think about it.

There wasn’t much hiding it from his spouse initially because they both drank. His hiding became more intentional as time went on, specifically after his son was born and during the pandemic. He found himself being sneakier about it. Santino started struggling with mood swings and being less communicative and didn’t want to address the fact that he needed help to quit drinking. He started to realize that this was going to destroy his family and he needed to rip the band aid off and address it. Once he addressed it with his wife, he felt freedom but was also worried about the process.

In the early days of his recovery, Santino and his wife began counseling to work on rebuilding their relationship. Santino also found that he started to feel healthier in general, was getting better sleep and did not miss the hangovers at all. Santino has been able to save money which assisted him with paying off some credit card debt he incurred while drinking.  As a parent, he feels more centered and present with his son.

He attends AA frequently, listens to podcasts, and surrounds himself with others in recovery.

Santino’s parting piece of guidance: give yourself grace in all the moments that you feel that you don’t even deserve it.

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Episode 448 - How Do I Let Go and Stop Trying to Control

Today we have Jen. She is 48 from Boulder, CO and took her last drink on May 12th, 2021.

Our latest Ditching The Booze course begins Monday October 2nd at 7:30pm EDT/4:30pm PDT and is free to Café RE members. The 5-week course is called Writing a New Narrative and is designed to help you explore your sobriety story through journaling and writing prompts.

Cafe RE - Use the promo code OPPORTUNITY to waive the set-up fee.

We have partnered with Sober Link.  You can find some tips and can sign up for a $50 off promo code.

[02:48] Highlights from Kris:

Today’s question comes from Dale in Virginia. He wants to know “how do I learn to let go of things, and stop trying to control?”

Kris feels that two themes that come up over and over in recovery are surrender and acceptance. He says there are different types of control and while some of it is normal and can be healthy, trying to control things such as other people and how they feel about us is not healthy.

Kris shares his insights about this topic and shares with us: “when I have unrest on the inside, it presents itself on the outside. When I find that inner peace, I can extend it to the world around me”.

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[11:50]: Kris welcomes Jen:

Jen joins us from Boulder, CO area and recently celebrated two years alcohol free. She is married and they have two kids and a dog. For fun Jen likes to be active outdoors and spending time with recovery friends nearby, fabric arts and yoga.

Jen didn’t drink when she was young because she learned that some family members quit drinking because they couldn’t control it. She drank very casually because she didn’t want to develop a problem, but over time peer pressure found her drinking more frequently. In grad school there was more binge drinking and hangovers. She and her husband drank only socially prior to having kids.

Jen went back to work shortly after having her first child and realized that she was missing out on a lot, so she became a stay-at-home mom. She bought boxed wine to try and save money and discovered it was too easy to refill the glass. Jen wanted to be a fun mom and used alcohol to feel less bored. Over time Jen started finding herself drinking after everyone went to bed.

After a situation that found both her husband and children concerned about her, Jen started to try quitting drinking. She had already been reading quit lit and listening to podcasts. She was able to make it over 100 days but decided to attempt moderation. She found that after a while the attempts to control how much she drank became frustrating. One day while listening to a podcast episode, she had a moment of clarity where she knew she had to quit drinking for good.

Jen feels that her husband quitting drinking shined a light on her drinking. She would make excuses to have drinks outside of the home.

Jen quit drinking the day after her birthday. She decided to join Café RE and started going on hikes with fellow RE members, hosting chats and giving back to the community. Jen finds “playing the tape forward” very helpful in addition to listening to herself and discovering what she needs. She enjoys reading self-help books instead of quit lit. Finding connections with other people and creating deep friendships was an unexpected perk Jen received in recovery.

Jen’s plan for recovery moving forward: working on her spiritual and self-discovery practice.

Jen’s parting piece of guidance: “play it forward” it is one tool that has never wavered for her. Keep your mind open and try a variety of things for your recovery.

[01:03:47] Kris’ outro:

Kris shares a story about a recent vacation with his family and how it relates to his expectations and control.

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Episode 447 – Can You Be Addicted to Alcohol and Not Be An Alcoholic?

Today we have Stephanie. She is 35 from and took her last drink on December 31st, 2022.

Our latest Ditching The Booze course begins Monday October 2nd at 7:30pm EDT/4:30pm PDT and is free to Café RE members. The 5-week course is called Writing a New Narrative and is designed to help you explore your sobriety story through journaling and writing prompts.

If you are not yet a member and would like to joining click the link Cafe RE - Use the promo code OPPORTUNITY to waive the set-up fee.

We have partnered with Sober Link.  You can find some tips and can sign up for a $50 off promo code.

[02:43] Highlights from Paul:

Paul and Kris are going to be doing a ten-part intro series where we answer questions from listeners.  If you have a question that you’d like us to answer on the air, send them to [email protected].

Paul shares one of his biggest regrets since starting the podcast and also answers the first question from Brady in South Denver. He asked, “can you be addicted to alcohol and not be an alcoholic?”

Paul begins his answer with “The Answer is yes. And no. And a little bit of yes, and little bit of No. Welcome to a world full of paradoxes.”

Next week we will hear Kris answer the next question: “How do I learn to let go of things and stop trying to control?”.

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[09:23]: Paul introduces Stephanie:

Stephanie is 35 and she is from Connecticut, currently living in Washington State. She works as an accountant and as a server at a restaurant. She has one son and a dog. Stephanie enjoys reading both for fun and for a podcast she has: So, What Are You Reading?, and she has recently picked up paddleboarding.

Stephanie had her first drink when she was 16 and had a bad experience and said she wasn’t going to do it again. She drank very sporadically until she moved to Washington with her son’s father. After they broke up, she moved into an apartment on her own and felt like alcohol was her only friend. She progressed from wine to harder alcohol over time and began to try and put parameters on her drinking.

After a while, Stephanie realized that drinking wasn’t what she was supposed to be doing. She started recognizing that she wasn’t present for her son. Her anxiety was terrible, and she had issues with remembering things from the night before which made it worse. But Stephanie says she enjoyed the chaos that came with the drinking escapades, even though it was making her life harder than it needed to be. She got to the point that she didn’t want to do anything.

When Stephanie’s current boyfriend did a Dry January in 2021, Stephanie joined him but says she white knuckled through it and drank as soon as February 1st came. That was when she started questioning what the point of drinking was. She had some very negative events in her last year of drinking to the point that on January 1st, 2023, she decided enough was enough.

During the first 30 days she binged on podcasts and YouTube videos. She started journalling, doing puzzles and playing board games with her son. Stephanie has been able to get into grad school, is able to plan vacations and try a lot of new things. Reading, exercise, and time outdoors have become very important to Stephanie.

Stephanie’s favorite resources: The Sober Café (Facebook group), Recovery Elevator and other recovery podcasts,

Stephanie’s parting piece of guidance: if alcohol is impacting you in a negative way just take it out for 100 days.

[49:27] Closing thoughts:

If you’re not ready to quit drinking, none of the information we covered today is going to land, if you are ready, it doesn’t matter what we cover. Focus on the similarities and not the differences.

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All is fine, and all will be well.

Episode 446 – Go Easy on Yourself

Today we have Jonathan. He is 44 from Grand Forks, ND and took his last drink on May 17th, 2008.

Our six week Ditching the Booze mindfulness course starts Monday, September 18th and meets on Monday nights at 8:30 PM EST. This course is included with Café RE membership and is for Café RE members only.

Cafe RE - Use the promo code OPPORTUNITY to waive the set-up fee.

We have partnered with Sober Link. You can find some tips and can sign up for a $50 off promo code.

[02:24] Highlights from Paul:

Straying from the sometimes-complex intros, Paul urges us to go easy on ourselves.

Despite all of our agricultural, scientific, and technological innovations, this is the hardest time it has ever been to be a human being. Rates of addiction and overdoses are soaring. Dr. Gabor Mate’s book The Myth of Normal shows how our out of balance culture is creating mountains of unrest and disease.

Life is already a challenge and living in the modern world without substances to slow down the prefrontal cortex, it is even harder.

Go easy on yourself. Life is going to kick your ass at some time or another. Don’t let that Bruno voice in the head make it any worse. Once that voice starts chirping about how you should have done XYZ differently, and how you’re doomed for eternity, locate the true you and tell that Bruno voice to step aside, and you’ll take it from here.

Be sure to start your day with words of compassion. Compassion for you, those nearest to you, the animals outside your window, and for those who are still struggling with alcohol.  

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[8:11]: Kris introduces Jonathan:

Jonathan is 44 years old and lives in Grand Forks, ND. He has worked in the restaurant industry most of his life and is also the managing director for the office of Recovery Reinvented. For fun Jonathan likes to spend time outside and cook. He is married and they have three daughters.

Jonathan says he had a good childhood with a lot of parental support. He feels like his exposure to alcohol as a teenager was normal. He says drinking never got in the way of his grades or playing sports. While in college Jonathan started working in bars and restaurants where drinking is part of the culture. His drinking increased and he ended up dropping out of school.

Jonathan realized early on that his drinking looked different from his peers. He witnessed others being able to stop with a few drinks after work whereas he would just go to the next bar or go home and keep the party going. He didn’t think he was drinking to mask anything, so he didn’t have a problem, he just really enjoyed drinking.

While Jonathan was doing well in his career, his drinking increased. He opened his first restaurant when he was 27 and was very successful. People were starting to tell Jonathan that he should cut back but he struggled to do so.

Jonathan had a meeting with his business partner and his father where he was told that things needed to change, or the partnership was going to end. This is what it took for Jonathan to seek treatment. He went to inpatient treatment for 30 days. While there he went from feeling like this was a temporary change to realizing that he needed it to be long term. He started seeing the similarities with others instead of the differences.

Jonathan completed 30 days and continued with outpatient treatment. He made the decision to be transparent with his recovery. He feels that helped him stay accountable and sober.

Jonathan’s favorite resource in recovery: I Am Sober app (he likes seeing how much money he has saved).

Jonathan’s parting piece of guidance: “Everything that is good in my life today is in my life because alcohol is not.”

Recovery Reinvented

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We took the elevator down, we have to take the stairs back up

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Episode 445 – Keep Dancing

Today we have Cindy. She is 54 from Kure Beach, NC and took her last drink on March 2nd, 2023.

We are doing an East Coast Café RE meet-up tour!  NYC on Wednesday August 30th, Philadelphia Saturday September 2nd, and DC on Tuesday September 5th. For questions about the event please email [email protected]

This is a reminder of the suicide prevention hotline 988, which was launched one year ago. This number has fielded 5 million calls, texts, and chats in the past year alone and has saved countless lives.

We have partnered with Sober Link.  You can find some tips and can sign up for a $50 off promo code.

[03:23] Highlights from Paul:

After recently watching a social media video featuring a sober influencer dancing, Paul decided to challenge this individual to a breakdancing battle. Meanwhile another sober influencer viewing this video stated that watching this video made him want to drink.

Let’s zoom out for a second.

The Tik Tok user, with millions of followers, said that watching videos of this person dancing - made them want to drink. To summarize that in two words it would be: Stop Dancing.

Then we have Paul who challenges this person to a sober break dance battle. We can summarize this statement in two words: Keep dancing.

So, listeners, keep on dancing, and never stop. If you don’t know your metaphorical or literal dance steps, stick around. The knowledge will return. If someone tells you that your dancing makes them want to drink, then that is 100% their problem. When you dance, it gives others permission to dance. You don’t need alcohol, it won’t make you better, and you’ll remember all of it.

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[08:52] Paul introduces Cindy:

Cindy is 54, grew up in Maryland but currently lives in North Carolina. She has been married for 23 years and they have two children and a dog. She works as an operating room nurse and recently got a master’s degree.

Cindy recalls first having alcohol late in high school. She was very social throughout college and enjoyed drinking a lot. She traveled a lot after college and knows that she drank but didn’t have any major consequences. Cindy says she and her husband drank but she doesn’t recall it affecting her life much. Happy Hour after work was very common for her due to the stressful job she has. Even after an incident where she was able to get out of a DUI, she still didn’t recognize that she had a problem. The drinking increased but Cindy always thought it was her husband that had the problem, not her. There were no attempts to moderate and no consequences, so the drinking continued.

Cindy started wondering why she wasn’t happy because she had a good life. Since she felt it was her husband that had the issue, Cindy started attending Al-Anon. When she returned from a travel nursing job, she realized how terrible she was feeling. She had been drinking every night, driving drunk often, and started having some consequences. Soon she found herself in an AA meeting where she had what she considers an awakening of sorts. She felt like she had found people that understood her.

Earlier this year, a podcast episode Cindy was listening spoke of living an authentic life. This really resonated with her, and she realized alcohol had to go. She started attending AA regularly after her last drink and is learning to deal with her feelings and learning from them. Cindy utilizes many tools to process how she feels and knows that alcohol is not the answer.

Cindy’s favorite resources in recovery: recovery podcasts, being active in AA

Cindy’s parting piece of guidance: If you are contemplating stopping drinking, think about why you are drinking.

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Go big, keep dancing, because eventually we’ll all go home.

Episode 444 – Alcohol Consumption by State

Today we have Chad. He is 51 from Southern Indiana and took his last drink on March 25th, 2022.

Follow Recovery Elevator on Instagram! We’re starting to put more video content on the platform so check it out!

Join us Saturday August 26th in Boston, MA for a day of service in collaboration with The Phoenix.  Learn more about the event here.

We have partnered with Sober Link.  You can find some tips and can sign up for a $50 off promo code.

[02:47] Highlights from Paul:

Something heard often while interviewing guests is “you don’t know what it’s like to grow up in Wisconsin, Texas, in Las Vegas, in Trenton, New Jersey, or you don’t know how much we drink in…” fill in the blank. So yes, it is ubiquitous, but there is a front runner.

Check out the full list and see where your state ranks: Alcohol Consumption by State

In 2012 British researcher Dr. David Nutt was tasked by the government to put harm scores on 20 of the world’s most harmful drug. Alcohol came in at #1 beating out crack, heroin, meth and cocaine.

Paul shares some stats about the costs of alcohol use disorder in Montana. You can see stats for all of the US here: Alcohol Abuse Statistics

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[11:48] Kris introduces Chad:

Chad has been sober for a little over 15 months at the time of this recording. He is 51 and lives in a small town in Indiana. Chad is married, and they have three children. He works for the government. He enjoys talking recovery, umpiring softball, and cycling.

Chad’s parents divorced when he was young. He never felt like he fit in at either of his parents’ homes and was a people pleaser doing whatever he could to fit in. Chad moved in with his dad when he was 13. After an ankle injury he was sidelined from sports, and he ended up finding a new group of friends that dabbled in drugs and alcohol. He says he struggled through high school and was looking at the military instead of going to college. He was looking forward to having some structure that he didn’t feel he had growing up between two households.

After graduating, Chad spent the summer partying and started basic training in August. He was sent to Germany after more training, and they drank a lot there. He started to notice that he needed to drink just to feel normal. He ended up leaving after one deployment and realized the military wasn’t for him.

Chad left the military and went into construction work. He and his wife hadn’t married yet, but she was pregnant, which was frowned upon by her family. Four years after having their daughter they got married and while they got a house together and continued to grow the family, Chad drank to deal with his stressors. It got to the point where Chad couldn’t do anything without a drink in his hand. He says drinking took a front seat to everything else. On days when he could not drink, he was starting to have symptoms of withdrawal. He began to hide alcohol and his tolerance grew.

After a bad blackout and confrontation with his wife, he felt terrible and realized that he needed help. His wife encouraged him to seek inpatient treatment which is what Chad was hoping for. With his wife’s support he found a rehab that helped him a lot. He was able to talk to therapists and realize that he wasn’t alone. After 30 days in rehab, Chad started AA, started reading more books about recovery and has found Zoom meetings and listening to the RE podcast very helpful.

Chad’s plan for recovery moving forward: Dig deeper into his recovery and be of service.

Chad’s parting piece of guidance: A life worth living can be found in sobriety. You’re worth it, give yourself a chance. “No” is a full answer.

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I love you guys.

Episode 443 -  A Different Type of Alcoholic

Today we have Kelly, she is 46 from Minneapolis, MN and took her last drink on June 18th, 2023.

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[02:57] Highlights from Paul:

When saying the word “alcoholic”, these images, and thoughts commonly come to mind:

Living under a Bridge. Brown paper bag. Homeless. Hopeless. Unemployed.

Some of this is accurate but studies show only 5% of alcoholics fit these descriptions.

The other 95% are high functioning, tend to be high earners, more educated, are healthier and have more stable relationships than average.

With the estimated 452 million alcoholics that don’t fit the stereotypical description of an alcoholic, this takes the saying you are not alone to a new level.

We justify or benchmark our drinking according to what an alcoholic looks like. I’m not that bad, I have a job, and money in the bank. We surround ourselves with other drinkers who don’t fit the alcoholic stereotype to solidify our own positions on the addiction scale. Now a classic trait of an addiction is that we are blind to where we actually are with the addiction process. The hole you find yourself in is probably deeper than you think. My recommendation is to stop digging. You CAN put the shovel down. Another classic trait of an addiction is the progression. We have 452 million alcoholics on the globe who are not living under a bridge or drinking out of brown paper bag yet.

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[09:30] Paul introduces Kelly:

Kelly took her last drink on June 18th, 2023, and has 6 days at the time of this recording. She is 46 and lives in Minneapolis. She leads software development teams for a living. Kelly loves the outdoors and enjoys running, hiking, and paddleboarding. She enjoys movies, music, and museums as well.

Kelly first tried alcohol at a party in 9th grade. Drinking was not something that she wanted to do but she succumbed to peer pressure. A year later she started spending time visiting her brother at college, and she enjoyed hanging out with him and his friends and started drinking more frequently. It was a good escape from the abuse she was dealing with at home.

In college Kelly was drinking and dealing with an eating disorder. She worked hard to overcome her bulimia but then her drinking ramped up after that. After college she married a fellow engineer, and they would drink heavily together. After they started having children and settling down, her husband was able to quit the excessive drinking, but Kelly was not.

While raising her children, Kelly was able to cut back on drinking and started putting rules around it. Her relationship wasn’t going well, and Kelly was going out more frequently and drinking almost daily. After a few drinking and driving charges, Kelly began to realize that she could no longer control it. Over time she recognized that she was starting to isolate more and then would go out to bars to find connection with other people.

Kelly has been able to have more gaps in drinking days over time and has been acquiring tools throughout the process. She is recognizing that she needs to treat her sobriety like a baby and nurture it daily. Each morning she meditates and uses the Reframe app. She attends AA meetings frequently and has recently found a therapist to help her with her childhood trauma.

Kelly’s plan for recovery moving forward: keep doing things that make her feel uncomfortable, attending more meetings, and new meditation practices.

Kelly’s parting piece of guidance: keep trying, be open to new resources.

Cafe RE  Use the promo code OPPORTUNITY to waive the set-up fee.

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Go big, because eventually we’ll all go home.

I love you guys.