Are you bad at meditating? So is everyone. The mind wanders because that is its job. Meditation is not quieting it, it is noticing you have gone and coming back.

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When I started, I thought meditation was sit down, be quiet, no thoughts, pure bliss. It lasted about 30 seconds. Then a teacher gave me the only instruction that ever worked: just sit and do nothing. His version had four letters. Your body knows how to breathe and your mind knows how to go quiet. The job is getting out of their way. Think of a snow globe. To settle the snow you do nothing, you just watch, and life will shake it up again anyway. Every time the mind wanders it is a happy accident, as Bob Ross would say. Smile, say thank you mind, and come back.

One thing to try: Get somewhere five minutes early and just sit in the car. Each time you catch the mind off in a story, smile, say thank you mind, and come back to what you can hear and feel. Five minutes, twice a day.

• (0:03) Winnie the Pooh, and why meditation is doing nothing on purpose
• (1:19) The only instruction that ever worked: just sit and do nothing (his had four letters)
• (2:22) The snow globe. To settle the snow, you do nothing
• (3:45) You're being thought. What's your next thought going to be?
• (4:23) We're all terrible meditators, and why that is fine
• (5:47) Bob Ross and the happy accident
• (9:24) 178 podcasts and I've yet to find the one little thing that fixes everything
• (13:15) Calvin and Hobbes, do a bit more nothing, and five minutes in the car

Jess, David, Angi, Jeroen, Jose and Jill, Helen, Tracey, Carol, Hayden, Sarafena, Cheryl and Strength from Within Yoga, and new monthly supporter Rowan

The companion meditation: Nothing to Get Right: A Peace Meditation With Little Instruction

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Steven

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What would you miss? This episode is about suicide, my granddad's and my own, and the one question that kept me here. If you need help right now, the numbers are just below.

• UK and Ireland: Samaritans, call 116 123. Free, any hour, any day.
• UK only, if you cannot talk: text SHOUT to 85258. Free, 24 hours.
• US: call or text 988.
• Australia: Lifeline, 13 11 14.

I was 12 when my granddad went missing from the farm. The next morning Andy woke me and said they had found him. At 18 my heart was broken and I tried to end my life, and later that year I broke my neck and lay in a hospital bed thinking I was better off not here. Years on, at rock bottom again, I wrote a note, printed it, left it face down and went out in my chair with a plan. I sat there for two hours. What stopped me was my stepdaughter Kember and one thought: I wonder what she will become. I did not want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop, and I think that is true of almost everybody who says they do not want to be here. Around the world 727,000 people a year die by suicide, one every 43 seconds. Three in four are men, and the men most at risk are 50 to 54, which is right where I am. So this is the conversation.

One thing to try: If you are anywhere near that door, ask one question. Not what will I lose, not what will I gain. What will I miss? Then hang on for a few more weeks. And if it is someone you love, ask them: just for a moment, tell me what you would miss.

• (0:00) Who World Suicide Prevention Day is for, and a warning
• (1:47) 727,000 a year. Three in four are men, and I am the age most at risk
• (2:53) I was 12 when my granddad went missing from the farm
• (4:21) 18, heartbroken, and a cry for help
• (5:35) Lying in hospital with a broken neck, thinking I was better off not here
• (7:12) The note on the computer, and two hours at the edge
• (9:21) The thought that stopped me: I wonder what she will become
• (10:39) A permanent solution to a temporary problem
• (13:46) The text my daughter sends us now, and why it works
• (15:58) What will I miss? The one question, and the numbers to ring

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Steven

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Are your boundaries keeping you safe, or keeping you stuck? I have never liked the word. This week a reader called Katherine gave me a better one: gates, not thorns.

I have carers in my life 24 hours a day, so I could not build walls even if I wanted to. I had to grow the strength to let the world in instead, and that is where I stand on boundaries. A red line between two people is healthy. It is an agreement, not a wall. A rulebook the whole world has to obey is not, and the old Buddhist texts do not even have a word for it. What they have is sila, your own conduct. Rules for you, and nobody else. A boundary that never comes down was never protection. It becomes a prison.

One thing to try: Next time you go to defend something, ask one question. Is this a gate or a thorn? Protecting something tender until it is stronger is fine. Refusing the world is not.

• (0:32) Katherine's email: a garden, not thorny bushes
• (1:44) Come, even if you have broken your vow a thousand times
• (3:35) Carers in my life 24 hours a day
• (6:16) If you want to learn calm, spend time with your family
• (7:11) A healthy boundary: not my best today, so I close the gate
• (8:13) Red lines between two people are different
• (12:00) The Buddhists had no word for boundaries. They had sila
• (15:26) Life will not honour your bubble
• (16:21) A boundary that never comes down becomes a prison
• (17:44) Where in your life has a wall quietly become a prison?

Cheryl, Susan, Jane, Ankita, Dan, Cassie, Melanie, Joan and Reishin

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Steven

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Who are you, really, behind all the roles? Sit properly with that question and no answer comes. That is the answer.

Open me up and there is no Steven in there. In deep sleep there is no Steven either. We wake up and we come online and we boot the roles: dad, councillor, host, meditator. Each one needs a different set of skills, and you can only run one at a time. So who is watching the breath when you meditate? Ask whether you are aware of your left toe and you were not, and then you were. In that gap before the answer, there is nobody home, and that is not terrifying. It is the most freeing thing I know.

One thing to try: Ask yourself, are you aware? Then notice the moment before you answer.

• (2:33) I always wanted to be somebody, and should have been specific
• (4:19) Every role needs a different set of skills
• (5:30) In deep sleep there is no Steven
• (7:55) You cannot run two roles at once
• (9:12) Who is doing the relaxing
• (11:41) Are you aware of your left toe
• (13:05) No fixed little statue of you sits inside
• (15:31) Do it with excitement and curiosity
• (16:54) My daughter found it terrifying. It is not

Yuva, Karin, Sue, HJ, Anita, Lorraine, Brandy, Jane, Sergio and Irma

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Steven

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If this were my last podcast, what would I want to leave you with? Let everything happen to you. No feeling is final.

That is Rilke, and it is where this one started. No script, just a cup of coffee. You cannot change the present moment. You cannot grow your hair, lose weight, get younger or stop the rain in this second, and yet we spend enormous energy arguing with what has already arrived. Imagine a rainbow with only two colours in it. That is a life lived in a narrow band of feeling. Watching the film Albatross and hearing the ending changed how I think about all of it.

One thing to try: Ask one question today. What small colour can I let into my life?

• (2:53) You cannot change the present moment
• (4:06) Arguing with what has already arrived
• (5:17) The hero on the uncomfortable cushion
• (6:44) The good times need nothing from you
• (7:39) Born, pain, desire, joy, rain, shine. All of it
• (9:12) Not every voice is healthy, but all of them carry weight
• (10:37) Rilke, and go to the limits of your longing
• (12:44) A rainbow with only two colours
• (15:28) What would love be without loss
• (18:06) What small colour can I let in

Senga, Jess, Anita, Sue, Evelyn and Glenn

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Steven

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What if the thing you keep chasing is the exact reason you cannot catch it? There is no happily ever after, and that is good news.

Picture the ox with a carrot on a stick fixed above its own head. Every step forward moves the carrot forward. That is happiness as most of us run it. And it is not a design fault, it is evolutionary genius, because if you settled the moment you got something you would never go further. The man who loses everything is miserable on day one and fine two years later. Happiness is an emotion. It arrives and it leaves, like all the others. It was never going to move in.

One thing to try: Catch yourself saying I will be happy when. Pause there and notice how much of life you just skipped.

• (4:10) The ox, the stick and the carrot above its own head
• (5:19) Stop chasing and you see what you already have
• (6:28) Why this is evolutionary genius, not a fault
• (7:47) We would never run faster or try again
• (9:07) Halfway up, turn around and look at the valley
• (10:13) Everything becomes normal in the end
• (11:16) The man on the park bench, day one and two years on
• (12:54) Happiness arrives and leaves, like every other emotion
• (16:27) I will be happy when, and what it costs you

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Steven

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Why does part of you not want the pain to stop? Pain is inevitable. Suffering is the second arrow, and you fire that one.

The first arrow lands and it hurts. Then we load the bow ourselves. Every replay in your head, every post, every phone call to a friend, is another arrow into the same wound. And here is the uncomfortable bit. The suffering loop feeds us, because it makes us the hero of our own story. Nobody wants to hear about the good day and the view over the ocean. Everybody leans in for the battle. I have been the victim hero for the last few weeks and I know exactly how it works.

One thing to try: When a painful thought comes back, ask one question. Is this taking me anywhere? If not, it is the second arrow.

• (1:42) The council motion, and the word I actually said
• (2:49) I think you meant albatross
• (5:23) Thinking about them with other people
• (6:37) Every replay loads the bow again
• (7:51) Pain does not mean your practice is failing
• (9:12) Life will still dish it up to you
• (11:17) Why the suffering loop feeds us
• (13:01) Nobody leans in for the good day
• (16:28) Is this the second arrow

Adam, Alison, Anna, Diana, Dominique, Dova, Ellen, Fran, Jenna and Mia, Jennifer, Jude, Kellee, Kylin, Marcie, Rita, Simon, Stefan, Steven and Sue

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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What is your anger actually saying? My teacher Jun Po told me he has never known an angry person who did not care.

Sit with that one. Anger is the bodyguard. It steps in to put something right, to stop it happening again, to defend what matters. Throw the hammer away and you have thrown away an emotion that evolution spent a very long time building. A child is furious about a red T-shirt when they wanted green, and to them the world just ended. When you are in a life where things go wrong fast, the gap between the spark and the fire shrinks. But it is a gap, and it can be widened.

One thing to try: Instead of arguing, say six words. I see you care deeply. Why?

• (4:07) Throw away the hammer and you throw away the tool
• (5:20) A red T-shirt when they wanted green
• (7:49) Anger is the bodyguard that steps in
• (9:22) Do you really believe that, Steven
• (10:11) When there is no time between spark and reaction
• (11:29) There is a gap, and it does not have to become a fire
• (14:09) I see you care deeply. Tell me why
• (15:40) Sitting down with people I disagree with over a cup of tea
• (18:59) Anger does not need banishing. It needs hearing

Alice, Kim in the Yukon, Maya, Ken, Linda and Michael, the regulars Laura and Stuart, and new monthly supporters Sue, Jude, Jenna and Mia, and Rita

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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Why does your mind pick 3am? You have thirty to forty thoughts a minute and you asked for none of them. The mistake is deciding the goal is a blank, silent mind.

Set that as the target and the trains keep coming and you feel like you are failing at it. You are not. Here is the whole thing in one sentence. You are not the thought, you are the one listening to it. Because if you can hear it, you cannot only be it. There is a tiny space between the thought and the reaction, usually too small to notice, and that gap is the thing that changes everything.

One thing to try: Let one train in tonight and stay on the bench. You never had to empty the station.

• (0:00) Thirty to forty thoughts a minute, and 3am
• (2:23) The mind does not care that you are tired. It has a list
• (3:33) The whole episode in one sentence
• (4:11) If you can hear the thought, you cannot only be the thought
• (5:25) A thought pulls in, and you do not have to get on it
• (7:17) At twenty he will still hand you the green sweet
• (9:03) The tiny space, so small we do not know it is there
• (13:09) You are the quiet one on the bench who watched every one

Addie, Darren, Alice, Caroline and My Herb. And Sin, Annie, Laura, Adam, Dominique and Senga. A special thank you to Stuart, two years a monthly supporter.

The companion meditation: A Meditation to Quiet an Overthinking Mind

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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What is the hardest kind of love? Giving somebody space. Not walking away, not going cold, not pretending you do not care. Space that still says I am here.

We argue with family most because we are trying to prove we have changed. See me, I am here. Real space is not silent punishment and it is not neglect. Before you step in, ask honestly whether you are helping them or reducing your own discomfort. Have you listened long enough, or are you just ready with the answer?

One thing to try: Before you speak, give it three seconds. Not toast on the floor. Three actual seconds.

• (0:03) One of the hardest forms of love, and what it is not
• (3:16) Not going down the rabbit hole. That is evolution protecting you
• (5:18) Become aware of the breath, or even just an itch
• (7:48) Why we argue with family. Please see me
• (10:24) Space is not coldness and it is not silent punishment
• (12:39) Am I helping, or reducing my own discomfort?
• (15:14) The three second rule, and it is not about toast

Cheryl, Nitya, Yvonne, Eleanor, Ryan, Karen, Lana, Jess and Stuart.

The companion meditation: Create Space Around Your Thoughts

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.

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