Be of service: bad advice Wednesday

hi lovely i was trying to write something on your survey, but I couldn't write to you like that as it doesn't feel right Clare i have to write directly to you and then it flows well Clare that afternoon as i was sitting there somehow i ended sitting where everybody was looking because you both was alongside of me, and I could feel that i was ticking my shoulders were going my eyes were going and my hands couldn't stop moving as I was sitting there I felt everyone was looking my way and they could see me so I held onto my jeans with all my heart, because it was breaking open every single shame and fear was in that room that day for me and I had nowhere to hide I felt my body running as it was staying still I could see the your latch on the door in front of me, i even 

Felt my thumb opening it and running but somehow, I stayed and in my staying i felt tears in my eyes that I held back because i didn't want everyone to see me like that i was in

a room with every relationship I ever had and i sat there for hours like that into there was no one sitting there so yer what was a course on relationships in the end there was no relationships love you 

Waking from a dream that felt true and I’ve been awake thinking about it as though the situation is going to happened again when coming into contact with this person who attacked me randomly. Training in boxing for eight months, moved 900ks away and haven’t thought about it until now. It’s making feel anxious as around this time his partner comes up to the hinterland where my life moved too as we know the same people. Reporting to the police who wanted to press charges and get an AVO. Opting just to make a record, didn’t want to cause a scene for friendships that are no longer there anyway from this situation. 

Making lots of new friends from this move, haven’t made contact with any of the old ones, yet getting triggered from these thoughts, even though it’s only a dream, they still feel real.

Feeling anger and hurt from his aggression towards me and for creating this separation with my friends. 

Even brought him into my friendships, didn’t know he was a narcissist who has hardly any friends of his own, found out after this happened.

He is an excellent manipulator with words. 

Feels like the movie Dirty Rotton Scoundrels.

Building up those friendships over the years to now gone through this conman! 

Still stuck in anger and it’s me who hasn’t  moved on.

Is it me creating stories that are not true.

Is it me who created all of this through my thoughts, actions and self image.

Is it me that can create change, can generate good thoughts towards him, so that if he is around again, would sending him love without any judgment, any fears, any harm towards myself be the way forward.

The trigger is my father flight or fight I had to deal with throughout my childhood and teenage years, getting hit, five minutes later seeing if I want an ice cream x

Having had long conversation and many years in Dads company talking about it until one day, we resolved it and moved on.

But as we know, healing part is one thing, triggers come into play at any given time.

Maybe recognising this as a dream and my thoughts around it, enabling me not to get triggered.

How to feel and be present with this feeling. 

Lots of question to answer.

Sara Priestley on human design: Sunday Conversation 

Designing the mind: Ryan A Bush; Saturday book 

Clare if you can say one thing to the world that's gonna really help, what would it be?

As I continue to explore this understanding in your membership, I am beginning to wonder if we have values.  So many self-help programs speak of living by your values but if there is no Doer then are values just part of the illusion of separate self?  

Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.

Bad advice wednesday. 

I was thinking some people in this conversation are in their minds and not in world so much. I had the same but in reverse i was in the world but never could i be in my mind. I thought the world and mind was separate. I  can see now you can be in both and more and more my mind and the world are the same. I can be in my own mind now when I need to be and watch and observe the mind with a great deal of love and compassion for it's ways