The Daily Dad

Do you know the story of Cincinnatus? He was a Roman general who had retired to his farm until he was called to rescue his country from an invasion. Made dictator in these desperate times, he had unlimited power, which he used to save the empire… only to immediately relinquish the power and return to his farm. 

Is the story true? Does it matter? George Washington knew this story—it was almost certainly read to him as a boy—and modeled his life on it. From this legend came real history—it shaped Washington’s life and the life of the country he helped found. 

The same goes for the story of Washington and the cherry tree. Is it true? Probably not. But for generations, children were taught this story and it shaped real lives and the country they lived in. 

Today, we don’t tell these stories enough. Children’s books are all about robots and talking dogs. Or they are preposterously inappropriate totems for parents to virtue signal with (who thought this book was a good idea?) History books as kids get older are all about facts, they’re all about punching holes in things, in showing how the heroes of the past were all racists and hypocrites. 

And then we wonder why we live in a world devoid of courage. Where irony reigns and inspiration is replaced by nihilism. Of course these things are gone. There is only one way to get them back: By telling your children of Cincinnatus. Teach them the legends and myths of the past. Show them what greatness looks like, even if it’s through the haze of hagiography. Give them someone to look up to. 

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It’s in moments like these—a pandemic or a hurricane or a terrorist attack—that we fathers are thrown back into a more primal role. Yes, there are so many things we are expected to do as dads these days: Teaching them to love to learn. Teaching them how to be vulnerable and kind. Raising them to question things, to pursue mastery, to follow the four virtues. 

All of these things are important… but quite obviously come to matter very little if we don’t do our most important job: Keeping them safe. Right now, practically, that means curtailing travel and meetings. That means washing your hands. It means keeping their (and your) immune system healthy. That means sending your employees home, supporting the less fortunate however you can, so they can stay home too. It means making sure you have the supplies necessary (food, medicine, etc) in case of mandatory quarantines. 

On a larger level though, this is a reminder that many of us have not been taking this job seriously enough. We are complicit in enabling these incompetent leaders who got us into this mess. We looked the other way because “the economy was good.” We accepted arguments like, “It doesn’t matter if a president or a governor or a prime minister is a good (or competent/qualified) person, what matters is if they agree to support the policies of my party.” We’ve been telling our kids that character matters, but we didn’t fully believe it and now we are being reminded of the timeless rule that character is fate. We didn’t prioritize leadership and here we are… leaderless when we desperately need it. 

Most of us ignored the warnings. Most of us assumed someone else would solve this. Most of us let others do the talking for us. We didn’t have emergency supplies handy. We didn’t have a plan. And here we are—in danger. Thankfully, kids seem to be remarkably (and mercifully) protected from COVID-19, but the rest of the world is not. 

We need to remember what our primary job as fathers is. We can never neglect it. 

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Almost every talented and successful person can remember their introduction to whatever it was that became their thing. In Mastery, Robert Greene explores countless examples of this beautiful process by which some of the world’s most notable experts discovered their “life’s task.” He talks about Martha Graham’s first time watching a dance performance, for example, and he tells the story of the compass that Albert Einstein’s father gave him as a present when he was five years old:

“Instantly, the boy was transfixed by the needle, which changed direction as the compass moved about. The idea that there was some kind of magnetic force that operated on this needle, invisible to the eyes, touched him to the core.

At the core of most of these stories are a few key ingredients: Luck. Openness. Curiosity. And of course, often, a parent who actively exposed their kid to different things. For every Tiger Woods, who had golf more or less forced on him from birth, there is an Albert Einstein whose life was changed by a simple gift—a thought from a father who said, “Hey, maybe they would like this” or “Hey, this might be fun.”

It’s your child’s job to figure out what they want to do in life. No parent can or should make their child master anything. But it is your job, especially when they’re young, to open their eyes. To introduce serendipity into the equation, to expose them to all the possibilities that life has to offer. Show them how things are figureoutable. Show them what’s out there. Help them discover. 

You’ll change them...and you may just change the whole world in the process. 

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Because you’re in charge, because you’re so much bigger and stronger and smarter, it’s easy to get trapped into a battle of wills with your kids. Don’t do that or else! Because I said so. Oh, you think it’s like that, do you? We put our foot down. We tell them how it’s going to be. We argue. Sometimes, at the very, very end of our rope, we lock them in their room. 

Maybe we think this is what authority is, that it’s about force. That it’s about asserting dominance or control. Of course, this is wrong, not just morally but factually. It’s one of the most enduring myths of history, propagated by movies and stories, that wars are won and lost by two great armies going head-to-head in battle. 

In fact, in a study of 30 conflicts comprising more than 280 campaigns from ancient to modern history, the historian B. H. Liddell Hart found that in only 6 of the 280 campaigns was a decisive victory the result of a direct attack on the enemy’s main army. Only six. That’s 2 percent.

Instead, most wars—like most arguments and most matters in life—are won indirectly. They’re won creatively. They’re not matters of full force going against full force, but about finding another way around, a way to really get through. Sometimes they’re won by delay, sometimes by surprise, other times by feints or alliances. And so it should go with your kids. You’re not going to yell them into listening. You’re going to have to find where they’re vulnerable. You’re not going to get them to calm down by force, but by realizing that they’re hungry...or need to be tired out. You’re not going to get them to stop being afraid by logic, you’ll have to change their perspective. 

Nobody wins a battle of wills. Every victory is Pyrrhic. So get creative. Stop throwing yourself against a wall. Protect both combatants. Don’t attack head-on. 

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We know that our kids want to feel good, feel safe, feel loved. We know they want to feel that someone is proud of them, that they’re talented, that they’re worth something. We also know that they’ll want to have fun, take risks, mess up, be crazy, and feel the pleasures of the world. 

As the person in charge, as the person who wants them to be successful in life, it may come to pass that you are at odds with those feelings more often than you’d like. Because you see their potential, you are critical of their choices. Because you are worried about them, you’re strict. Because you know how hard and competitive the world is, you push them...and then maybe you push them some more. And because you have so much on your plate, you don’t always say the nice thing, the obvious, supportive, reassuring thing. 

The problem is: If our kids aren’t feeling safe or loved or supported by us, where will they get it from? Because they will go out and try to find it. If Dad is blocked off because Dad is busy, Daughter will go find love in the wrong places. If Dad is a hard ass, because Dad regrets his choices in his own youth, and he pushes too hard, Son might rebel or learn to value the wrong things. The gender of the child doesn’t matter. Neither does their natural personality. If Dad doesn’t give his kids what they need, they’ll get it somewhere else and it will almost certainly not be from the right or best place. 

It might be from drugs or a gang or bad influences or reckless behavior or from a false belief that you can earn acceptance and appreciation. All of that is wrong. Your kids deserved those things at birth. And they deserve them from you.

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There has never been a father—a good one anyway—that did not at least occasionally look at what was happening around them and question the world they were bringing up their kids in. This is worth remembering today, as you watch the news or the stock market, whether you’ve got adult kids or just found out you’re having your first.

Yes, it looks scary out there...but it’s always been scary. Just three years ago, on that somber, confusing day for many people—the day a certain president was elected—hospitals were full of mothers giving birth and new fathers being minted. You think the COVID-19 pandemic is scary? Imagine you and your family just survived WWI and here comes the Spanish Flu. Even the supposedly idyllic 1950s actually occurred under the claustrophobic terror of potential nuclear annihilation. And if you were black, or gay, or any other number of minorities, it was even more repressive still.

It might feel like this is a bad time to be bringing kids into the world, that what’s happening out there should alarm you. But again, it’s always been scary and always will be scary. Fathers have had to raise their children through plagues and civil wars. They’ve faced pogroms and changing climates. They’ve stared down appalling infant mortality rates, along with failed states, incompetent kings, and moral corruption. 

There will never be a time peaceful enough, upstanding enough, fair enough, bright enough, calm enough to reassure you. All we can do as dads is keep going—we must keep carrying the fire. We must do our best to raise good kids who can survive and endure and make the world a little better. And we should be grateful that as scary as the world is...we’re luckier it’s not as scary as it once was. 

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When your kids mess up, what’s your reaction? Do you freak out? Or are you calm? Do you make the situation better...or worse? Can you actually listen? Or are you halfway through a solution before they’ve even gotten two words of explanation out of their mouths?

The answers to these questions matter if, like a good dad, you want to be the kind of father who your kids turn to when they have a problem. You want them to come to you with their fears, with their secrets, with their dilemmas, don’t you?

Well then you better make yourself the kind of parent that has earned that honor, that has earned that respect. Because it’s a privilege and not a right. Need proof? Think about your own parents and how many things you kept from them. Even more, why you kept it from them. 

Sure, some things we hide because we know it’s stuff we’re not supposed to be doing. But a lot of it is stuff we could have used their advice on, that we ached to connect over—but we knew we couldn’t. Because they would rush to judgment. Because they wouldn’t let us explain. Because it would trigger their anxiety or their temper or their moralizing reminders. 

You want them to come to you with problems? You want to help them? Then show them. Teach them that it’s worth doing. Teach them that they’ll get a fair hearing. Prove to them that you make things better and not worse. 

Let them see how you love them more than you hate any mistake. 

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From his dad, Bruce Springsteen learned about shame, about broken pride, and struggling with demons that you can’t quite conquer. It’s an all too common story, unfortunately. The lack of a strong role model leaves a void that haunts a kid forever, even long after they leave the house. You can hear that pain in Springsteen’s songs today.

As unlucky as Bruce was to be dealt that hand, he was also incredibly lucky. Because in his mother he had a very different example, one that taught him very different things. In his memoir, Born to Run, Bruce writes about visiting his mom at work, Lawyers Titles Inc, where she was a legal secretary. Where his dad was angry and bitter, his mom was brave and tough. He could see himself in her and it called him to be better. “I am proud, she is proud,” he wrote, recalling how it felt to see her in her element, away from their house, doing her job. “We are handsome, responsible members of this one-dog burg pulling our own individual weight, doing what has to be done. We have a place here, a reason to open our eyes at the break of day and breathe in a life that is steady and good.” 

Again, this is why we have to remember that our children are always watching. This is why we have to let them see us work. We want to teach them what it takes to survive in this world. We want them to see us dressed up, sleeves rolled up, surrounded by people who respect and depend on us. We want them to see us not only at our private worst, but also at our public best. 

“Truthfulness, consistency, professionalism, kindness, compassion, manners, thoughtfulness, pride in yourself, honor, love, faith in and fidelity to your family, commitment, joy in your work and a never-say-die thirst for life,” Bruce wrote decades removed from those afternoons at the legal office in New Jersey, “Those are some of the things my mother taught me and that I struggle to live up to.” 

Do the same for your kids and they’ll never forget it. 

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It happened again. Your kid screwed up. They did something stupid—from drawing on the walls to getting caught drinking. They hurt someone or they lied. They failed a test or broke something important. You’re pissed. You want to yell. 

But before we do that, stop and think: Have you raised a good kid? Have you taught them right from wrong? Have you taught them to care about other people and the truth?

Yes, yes you have. 

Now ask yourself: Does yelling teach them these things more? Does getting upset re-emphasize what is right and what is wrong, or does it just reinforce the power dynamic between you two? Does yelling make them hear you more...or tune you out completely?

More to the point, if you’ve raised a good kid, do you really think they did that on purpose? Don’t you think they already feel bad? In fact, wouldn’t a calm discussion about the difference between who you know they are and what the statement their behavior has made be a far louder and clearer discussion than yelling ever could be? Remember as you’re getting upset that you’re not just dealing with the situation at hand but you are also showing your kids how adults should act when things go wrong—you are teaching them lessons that will impact how they treat their employees and their own children in the future. 

Keep that in mind… and calm down. Be understanding. Talk, don’t yell. Let their own conscience—the one you have worked so hard to help them develop—do most of the heavy lifting. Let them learn to see the error in their own ways, let them learn how to learn from their mistakes. 

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For thousands of years, humans have been expressing wisdom to each other through fables. Whether it’s Aesop or the Bible or Leonardo da Vinci or Hans Christian Anderson, smart writers have been packaging moral lessons in the form of quaint little stories or parables. 

And, for just as long, parents have been passing these fables onto their children.

But for whatever reason, this form of storytelling has lost favor. The stories are violent, people complain, or a tad dark. They’re full of weird historical anachronisms. They aren’t funny. Where are the pictures?! But Washington didn’t really chop down the cherry tree. 

Talk about missing the point. Our job as parents is to teach our kids the timeless truths of the world. It doesn’t matter that the Frog and the Scorpion didn’t really exist—what matters is that we have to see people’s true nature. It doesn’t matter whether you believe in God or not, the lessons in the Bible have served humanity very well over thousands of years. 

Make an effort to start bringing these fables into your house. You can listen to them on Spotify in the car. You can read them together before bed. Or you can tell the stories yourself from memory. Don’t just focus on the plot. Talk about the lessons too—talk to them about Da Vinci’s fable of the stone and its message about the importance of solitude and quiet. Talk about the Fox and the Stork, and how when you play a prank, you’ll get pranked too. Talk about “sour grapes.” 

Teach them about the world through ridiculous stories. It’s a grand tradition...and a critical part of growing up. 

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