The Daily Dad

Did you know DJ Khaled has a son? And his name is Asahd? Of course you did, because if you’ve heard of DJ Khaled even once in the last couple years, it’s probably come up. His social media feed is like 100% photos of his kid (Asahd had his own Instagram account with nearly 2 million followers). His dad named his most recent album Father of Asahd. He put a picture of his kid on the cover. In interviews, he even claimed his son “produced” the album. Dad even designed a signature shoe with Asahd that they sell at Kids Footlocker.

All this for a two year old. 

It’s cute at first. But if you think a little bit more about it, it raises some red flags. Is this really what the kid wants? Is this really healthy or appropriate? Or is it just a cheap way to get attention and exploit his cuteness? 

Most of us are not rappers or influencers, so the ethics of a lot of those questions are sort of irrelevant. But we are dads and it’s important we draw some clear boundaries when it comes to our kids. Our kids are our kids. They are not status symbols. They are not extensions of us (or our brands). They are not here so we can impress people—at dinner conversations or in the media. Where they go to college says nothing about us. How cute they look dressed up for their birthday says nothing about us. 

Our job is to take care of them, not exploit them. We’re supposed to let them get to be normal, to have a childhood—not to draw them into our adult world prematurely, or because it’s easier for us. That’s the best gift the Father of [Insert Your Kid’s Name] can give them. It might not seem as cool as a platinum record or a shoe deal or bragging rights in front of your friends, but it will go a lot further in making sure they have a healthy, balanced, happy life.

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You love your kids more than anything. You think they’re God’s gift (which they are, to you!). You want them to know how you feel about them, and you feel bad when they feel bad about themselves. These are all perfectly healthy and laudable feelings.

At the same time, we have to make sure we’re not puffing up their ego with our endless praise and our very natural bias towards their virtues and blindness to their vices. Seneca knew this balance was not easy—it isn’t for any parent. It’s hard for grandparents and uncles too. But if our goal is to raise well-adjusted, self-aware kids, we’ll have to work for it. Even if our instinct is to rush over and tell them they’re the greatest, most special-est little kiddo there ever was. 

As Seneca writes in his essay, Of Anger, this requires speaking honestly—with kindness—and holding them accountable for their actions. Even if that pains us. He explains:

Flattery, then, must be kept well out of the way of children. Let a child hear the truth, and sometimes fear it: let him always reverence it. Let him rise in the presence of his elders. Let him obtain nothing by flying into a passion: let him be given when he is quiet what was refused him when he cried for it: let him behold, but not make use of his father's wealth: let him be reproved for what he does wrong. It will be advantageous to furnish boys with even-tempered teachers and paedagogi: what is soft and unformed clings to what is near, and takes its shape: the habits of young men reproduce those of their nurses and paedagogi.

Seneca knew what he was talking about because he saw Nero’s mother do the opposite. She indulged his every whim. She cleared every obstacle out of his path. She made him think he was infallible and invincible. By the time she brought in an even-tempered teacher like Seneca around to be a good influence, it was too late. She had ruined her son. And he in turn ruined himself and nearly ruined Rome.

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Do you remember when you were in fourth grade and you looked across the playground and saw the sixth graders? They looked so much older. So much bigger. Their lives seemed so much different than yours. Then time passed and eventually you took the place of those sixth graders on the playground. But did you actually feel that much older and bigger and different? Of course not. You didn’t feel anything like what you imagined those confident, older kids would have felt like. You were still you—insecure, scared, wondering what to do next. 

It’s important to realize this phenomenon is not a quirk of your personality. It is a nearly universal human experience. We all have a little bit of that imposter syndrome, no matter what we look like or how old or young we are. Your own kids are no exception. Even though they are growing like crazy, even though they might pretend to be so mature and so beyond where they were even a few months ago, the truth is that inside they are full of doubts and concerns. They are looking around wondering when the hell they are going to feel as put together and as ‘adult’ as they imagine everyone else does. 

Your 5-year-old feels that way. Your 15-year-old feels that way. Your 25-year-old feels that way. Just as you did. Just as you will continue to at 45 and 50 and 75. 

So be there for them. See through the posturing. Reassure them. Love them accordingly.

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One of the unusual side effects of our modern lives is how siloed work is for most people. “Work” is a place you drive to in the morning and come home from in the evening. It’s what you’re doing while your kids are at school, or in other cases, while they’re asleep at night. Great dads (and healthy people) aspire to what we call “work life balance” which only further perpetuates this silo. Work is not supposed to intersect with your time with your kids. 

The problem? Well, where are your kids supposed to learn the importance of work ethic? How are they supposed to know what a hard working dad looks like if they never actually get to see it? How are they supposed to learn what work looks like at all?

There is an old Latin expression A bove maiori discit arare minor. The younger ox learns to plow from the elder. That’s because the oxen would be harnessed in together. The kid would not only get to see their dad do what they do, they’d be literally strapped into it together. 

Obviously good boundaries are important. Obviously you don’t want your work life to overwhelm or interfere with your home life. But make sure that striving for this balance doesn’t accidentally deprive your kid of an important example—Dad, the provider. Dad, the protector. Dad, the hard-working guy they can hold up as an inspiration. It doesn’t matter what your profession is, whether you’re a CEO or a stay-at-home dad or you’ve since retired. Show your kids your work. Show ‘em how much you put into it. Let them see you sweat. 

It’s good for you and it’s good for them.

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It makes sense that you and mom would make most of the decisions for your kids. You guys know more. Your kids basically know nothing. About life. About what the weather is going to be tomorrow. How the world works. You, on the other hand, have been 7 as well as 17-years-old before. 

Not only does that give you a lot more experience, but it’s also pretty obvious that most decisions don’t matter. You’ve got places to go and more important things to worry about, so you pick their clothes out to be done with it—to move things along.

The problem with this is that you’re depriving your kids of a very important skill: The ability to make decisions. Is it any wonder than so many teenagers are utterly overwhelmed when it comes to choosing where to go to college? Or what to major in? For most of them, it’s the first real decision they’ve made in their lives.

That’s why, as a Dad, you have to actively work to not choose everything for them. Ask them whether they want to go to the park or play catch in the yard. Ask them what movie they want to see. What should we cook for dinner? Do you want to take a shower tonight or a bath? Would you rather go out for the baseball or the basketball team? If you don’t like mowing the lawn, what’s another chore you’d like to do to contribute around the house? Shorts or pants today? Go pick out something to wear. 

Teach them how to choose. Empower them. Make sure they know how to decide, and to be OK with it, even if they decide wrong. It doesn’t matter that you know more. Let them learn. Life is decisions. Prepare them for it.

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Seneca was a father, though we don’t know much, if anything, about his son. We know he was a wonderful uncle, and that he struggled valiantly as a tutor to reign in the impulses of Nero. 

What kind of father was he? How did he teach his young charges? We don’t have many specifics, but in his essay On Anger, Seneca does give us fathers some advice on how to raise our kids—specifically when it comes to making sure they are not spoiled, mean, or cruel. 

Here is a thought from Seneca this morning on the importance of encouragement and freedom:

A boy's spirit is increased by freedom and depressed by slavery: it rises when praised, and is led to conceive great expectations of itself: yet this same treatment produces arrogance and quickness of temper: we must therefore guide him between these two extremes, using the curb at one time and the spur at another.

He must undergo no servile or degrading treatment; he never must beg abjectly for anything, nor must he gain anything by begging; let him rather receive it for his own sake, for his past good behaviour, or for his promises of future good conduct.

Our job as Dads is to encourage as well as enforce, to spur as well as curb. One kid might need more of one, while another kid needs less of the other. The same kid on different days might need different things. 

But that’s what you’re there for. That’s what you’re supposed to help them with—to spur them to want to be great by themselves.

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The philosopher Stilpo of Megara had a daughter who had a bad reputation. We don’t know what for, it could have be deserved or it could have been one of those ridiculously minor violations of etiquette that the ancient world was so obsessed about. They weren’t exactly shy about double standards back then, especially when it came to women.

But that’s beside the point. Someone once tried to shame Stilpo for his daughter’s reputation. His reply is worth noting: “She is not more a disgrace to me than I am an honour to her.”

This might seem like a detached or un-fatherly thing to say, but it is in fact, the healthiest and most respectful approach for a parent to have. Your kids are their own people. If they succeed and go to a great college and make a lot of money, that’s because they worked hard and got there. It doesn’t really say anything about you. If they mess up, it’s because they messed up. It doesn’t say you’re a bad father. The same goes for your successes and your failures—your kids aren’t extra special or important just because you’re great at your job. Your kids are no less important or special because you’re out of work or struggling. 

Yes, of course, we’re all working together and as a parent, it’s your responsibility to care for them, love them, provide for them, and teach them the right lessons. But don’t associate what they do, what they wear, whether they’re the cool kid at school or a little awkward, with yourself. And don’t assume that just because you’re you that that somehow raises or lowers expectations for them. 

Life is hard enough for a kid out there. Don’t make it harder. Don’t add extra pressure. Let them be their own people. Love them the same, always, no matter what happens or how things go.

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Punishments aren’t supposed to be fun. They’re suppose to deter bad behavior. That’s why kids get grounded or sent to their room. That’s why we take away their toys or iPad privileges. It’s supposed to send a message: Listen or you lose out. 

Randall Stutman is probably one of the most influential coaches you’ve never heard of. Basically every Wall Street bank and hedge fund of any significance has hired him as an advisor at one point or another. A lot of the CEOs and executives ask him about parenting. He has one piece of advice relating to consequences for bad behavior: Punishment should make them better.

It’s pretty fitting advice coming from a coach too. Think about it: A basketball coach who is disappointed in someone’s effort, makes them go do sprints, or pushups. It’s not fun and it makes the kid stronger. A football player who didn’t make their GPA has to go to extra study sessions. An athlete who gets in trouble off the court might have to do community service or write an apology letter. These are more than simple deterrents. They’re punishments that make them better both as players and as people. 

When you get upset, when you catch your kid doing something they’re not supposed to do, Dad, make sure that you don’t punish out of emotion or out of fear. Take a minute. Come up with a punishment that makes them better. Something they wouldn’t choose to do, but is good for them. Vocab drills. Memorizing state capitals. Volunteering somewhere. Picking up trash. Painting the house. 

They won’t like it, but one day, they may actually thank you for it. 

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In her famous and controversial book Bringing Up Bébé, the author Pamela Druckerman talks about Le Pause—The Pause—as the secret to French parenting, and their sleep-trained infants. Basically, instead of rushing in as soon as their kids start to cry, French parents pause. They wait a few minutes, understanding that newborns often cry between sleep cycles, and that if you disrupt them (even to comfort them) you are actually preventing them from learning how to sleep. 

Sleep training is a polarizing and controversial topic among parents, so let’s not even go there. Instead, let’s take a minute to consider that le pause can actually be a great strategy for dads in all facets of their kids life. 

When you son trips and falls, do you need to rush over as if it was a life or death emergency? Or can you pause, and let him figure out how hurt he is first, whether he wants or needs to cry?

When your daughter comes over and starts to tell you something, do you have to try to help her explain what she is saying? Or can you pause and let her struggle with the words, and learn how to say it on her own?

When your teenager explains why they want to quit the track team, why start arguing right away? Can you pause and let them propose what they want to do instead?

When your wife messes up or scratches the car or is rude, what if you didn’t get upset? Can you pause and consider all the things on her plate? And how it almost certainly wasn’t intentional?

If one of your kids calls to tell you that they are gay or getting a divorce or are in some kind of trouble, do you need to say anything at all right away? Or can you pause? Can you suspend judgement and just listen? And just be there?

Practice the pause.

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We want our kids to read. We want them to read instead of watching so much TV or playing with the iPad. So we make up rules or create incentives to motivate them to pick up a book (I’ll give you a dollar for every book you finish this year). 

What we don’t do enough is actually the easiest and clearest form of teaching: We don’t provide a good example.

How often do your kids catch you reading? How often do they see you with a book in your hands? You want them to read, but do you read regularly to them? You tell them books are important, that books are fun, but where is the evidence? 

If you want your kids to read more, show them what a reader looks like. Talk to them about books. Make books a central part of your house...and your lives. Think about those curse words they know. You’ve actually been trying to get them not to use them...but where did your kids pick them up? By watching you. 

And what’s true for books is true for just about anything—being healthy, being kind, being a hard worker

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