You’re willing to make tradeoffs at work. You’re willing to make tradeoffs with your home. You’re willing to make tradeoffs with friends and family. But you do not want to give up anything when it comes to choosing a spouse. And when you do, you usually compromise on the wrong things. So many things can derail a relationship that you need to know what qualities make someone a good partner. This is the $64,000 question for all women who succeed in Love U. I hope it helps you make better choices with men.

You’re busy. You’ve got work. You’ve got friends. You’ve got family. You’ve got travel and hobbies and anxiety and health issues. So many things are out of our control – and those things can slowly erode a solid relationship. In this Love U Podcast, I share a few stories about couples – including my wife and I – who managed to pull together when life was pulling us in apart. Life isn’t always set up for love. That’s why you have to prioritize it.

When you’ve been hurt before, the obvious move is to avoid getting hurt again. Guy slept with you and never called? Stop dating. Guy didn’t want to be your boyfriend after two months? Stop dating. Guy didn’t want to marry you after two years? Stop dating. Because intimacy has always led to heartbreak, your choices in men actually become WORSE. Suddenly, you’re in a friends with benefits situation. Suddenly, you’re seeing someone long-distance. Suddenly, you’re exclusive with a man who doesn’t want to get married. Why? Because somehow it feels safer to be in a dead-end situation than to be with someone where things could get real – and you could get hurt. It’s time to break that pattern and start moving towards the men who really want to commit – not away from them.

It’s unfortunately commonplace for women to fall in love with men, who, due a confluence of events, are not emotionally available for the relationship that she wants. Sometimes, he’s separated. Sometimes, he’s divorce. Sometimes, he doesn’t know what he’s looking for. Sometimes, he slammed with the normal trials of middle-aged men: loss of work, sickness, dying parents, depressed kids. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy. Might mean he’s a bad guy to date right now. And, if that’s the case, doesn’t it stand to reason that a few good women might also be emotionally unavailable? Why yes. Yes, it does.

After 15 years with my wife, I realize I’ve lost touch with a common emotion: being in a dissatisfying relationship but not having the courage to leave. The gap between the confidence my clients display at work and the insecurity they display in relationships is astonishing. This all just goes to show that we’re emotional people, often raised with poor role models, who don’t believe we deserve more from love than what we’re getting now. Here’s the good news: at any point in time, you can make a different choice. You can raise your standards. You can say no. You can find someone who loves you unconditionally and wants to take care of you. But it doesn’t start with him changing his behavior because you love him; it starts with you setting a boundary and dumping any man whose behavior makes you feel consistently anxious.