Every marriage has conflict. As we often point out, it is not so much how often you fight, but rather what you do when you fight and afterward. Do you repair after conflict? Do you work together during conflict to get to the bottom of issues? Today we have 10 Rules to help you fight fairly.

Fair Fighting

Since we have so much emotionally and relationally at stake in a marriage, I think it is easy to forget that we need to be decent towards each other when we fight.

In the Bible, Proverbs 18:19 says "A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city…” and this could as easily apply to a wife or husband. As soon as you actually offend your spouse it really entrenches them into their position. We think that if we use stronger words or language they are more likely to capitulate. That doesn’t work.

As always, when coming to this topic Verlynda and I didn’t sit down and just pick 10 things out of the air. No, we asked our researcher to go into the marriage research journals and see what he could find.

He came up with three studies from 1989 to 2016[i] in which married couples were asked to list rules they thought were important dating with conflict. Hundreds of rules were reported and these were then grouped into common themes by the researchers. From these themes, we developed these 10 rules for fair fighting.

When followed by both spouses, all 10 rules will help you resolve conflict between you more easily and will improve your marital satisfaction. They are not in any particular order: you will probably notice that you as a couple already do some of these, but you may hear some that you haven’t tried or don’t use often enough.

Rule #1: Be Respectful

This one is fairly self-explanatory: show respect and love for your spouse even when you disagree. But think about how you do that:

Don't be rude

Avoid name calling

Try to keep calm

Don't escalate things when you feel threatened

Being deliberately hurtful or aggressive makes conflict much worse and creates a like-for-like cycle where both of you just try to retaliate when your spouse upsets you[ii]. Being calm and respectful allows you to resolve the conflict quickly, without it damaging your bond of intimacy.

This theme of being considerate of your spouse, even during conflict, was by far the most important rule found in the research, accounting for 26% of the total variance in whether conflict resolution was successful or not[iii].

It is probably worth asking your wife or husband: is there anything I can do to be more respectful of you when we’re in conflict?

Rule #2: Say What You Are Upset About (Concisely)

Be direct in stating what you are upset about, and why[iv]. Vague hints, passive aggressive comments and saying "I'm mad at you" without explaining why do not lead to effective conflict resolution.

State what the issue is plainly and concisely, eg "when you do X I feel Y". Many of the couples in the studies thought that being concise and getting to the point was a very important part of conflict resolution[v]. Doing so allows you to get the issue resolved first time, rather than leaving things unresolved and creating resentment. Knowing what you are upset about and expressing that will help you to get to the bottom of things.

Rule #3: No Ultimatums

This is about times when one spouse tries to force another to do what they want, eg "If you don't do X, then I'll Y". But it can also be when one spouse forces the other to deal with an issue totally on their own terms, eg "You have until tonight to deal with X or I'll be really mad" or "I don't care if you're tired from work—we have to deal with this NOW".

Threats and ultimatums are unfair- they place too much focus on your own needs, while making your spouse feel cornered and forced into doing what you want (rather than actually agreeing with you)[vi]. This kind of behavior destroys trust and intimacy and creates a lot of resentment.

Instead,