When a child's behaviour is persistently difficult, parenting faults often set in and just keep rolling out, says educator Joseph Driessen. He looks at the top ten and suggests what people can do differently.

Educator Joseph Driessen says he's never met a parent who didn't love their child and want to do a good job.

But when a child's behaviour is persistently difficult, parenting faults often set in and just keep rolling out, he says.

He looks at the top ten and suggests what people can do differently.

1. Not keeping calm

It's only natural to get angry as a parent, but if angry is your default setting you're going to create an angry person.

Make the decision to commit to a more peaceful track.

"You've gotta stay professional and calm and realise you're 40 and they're 4 or 14.

"Your calmness takes the threat away, the threat takes the cortisol and stress hormones away, and the child can then access its reasoning, its conscience and its social awareness and you can have a dialogue with them.

"Put the whole thing on ice, walk away from the argument and then start again the next day."

2. Using extreme language

Sometimes parents have trouble forgiving their child for their behaviour and build up a grudge.

But trying to repress resentment only sets you up to suddenly fly off the handle.

" actually processing their sadness and anger about the whole thing and using the child as a sounding board."

Work on keeping your language moderate and constructive.

3. Focusing only on 'bad' behaviour

Children simply love to be loved and respond best to kind and caring treatment, says Joseph.

Think about whether you're focusing most often on the bad behaviour while ignoring what's good.

"Coach, rather than criticise."

4. Ignoring 'good' behaviour

Sit down in a quiet place one afternoon and write down all of your child's strengths and virtues.

Keep that list with you and use it.

"Start saying to your child 'Thanks for being so helpful' or 'I love your sense of humour' or 'Whenever you're at the table with us the conversation goes really well'.

The child will then starts to become more aware of their own strengths, says.

"As you notice them and they notice them they actually become more aware of their mistakes."

5. Labelling a child as 'bad'

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Using critical language is a significant parenting fault, 'cause you never know what your child is going to take on board…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details