This Complex Life

As a parent, it can be frustrating when your teen walks through the door after school, and your questions about their day are met with silence, eye rolls, or a quick retreat to their bedroom. In this mini episode of This Complex Life, I talk about why teens often shut down after a long day at school and how you can create space for connection without overwhelming them.

Teens are navigating a lot at school noise, changing classes, social interactions, and often long public transport rides home. By the time they walk through the door, they’re often overstimulated and in need of some serious downtime. In this episode, I share tips on how to approach your teen in a way that respects their need to decompress while also maintaining a strong connection.

• After a long, busy day, teens often feel overstimulated and need time to decompress before they're ready to engage in conversation.
• Instead of asking “How was your day?” right away, try greeting them with a simple “Nice to see you,” and allow some time for them to unwind.
• It’s okay to give your teen space after school and reconnect with them later when they’re more relaxed.
• Being specific about their interests (like asking about a sports game or a friend) might get a better response than general questions about school.
• Remember, even after-school activities can add to their mental load, so they might not be ready to talk until after dinner.
• Every teen is different; while some might enjoy chatting right away, others will appreciate the time to relax first.

By giving your teen the space they need after a long day, you’ll find it easier to connect when they’re ready. Join me tomorrow for the next mini-episode, where I’ll talk about “Why Doesn’t My Teen Listen to Me Anymore?”

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I speak about some of the unique challenges parents often face as their children transition into their teenage years. This phase can be a time of perceived rejection as teens assert their independence, leaving parents feeling less needed.

Key takeaways:

Understanding the Transition:

• Adolescence marks a significant shift from childhood to the teenage years, accompanied by changes in friendship groups and the move to high school.
• Teens naturally seek independence and autonomy as they explore their identities, often making parents feel rejected or unneeded.

Shifting Roles:

• Parents must recognise the change from a "manager" role to a "consultant." Your position description evolves, but you remain a crucial part of your teen's life.
• Avoid responding as if you've been "fired" from your role. Instead, consider how you can adapt to this new position as a consultant.

Managing Your Reactions:

• Reflect on how you respond to situations that might feel like rejection. Identify the specific triggers and your emotional reactions, such as sadness, loneliness, or frustration.
• Avoid projecting your hurt onto your teen. Be aware that your emotions are shaped by your interpretation of their actions.

Open and Honest Communication:

• Use clear, non-judgmental language to express your desire for connection. Instead of passive-aggressive comments, be direct about your wishes.

Modelling Accountability:

• Apologise and take responsibility for your reactions when you react poorly to a situation.
• Encourage your teen to communicate their feelings without feeling responsible for your emotions.

Addressing Hurtful Comments:

• When your teen makes hurtful comments, such as "I hate you," try to identify the underlying emotion, like disappointment or anger.
• Address the specific emotion rather than justifying your actions. Show understanding and empathy.

Setting Boundaries:

• Establish healthy boundaries to avoid feeling overwhelmed. Clearly communicate what you can and can't do to manage your time and commitments.
• Teach your teen the importance of setting boundaries by respecting their limits as well.

Prioritising Self-Care:

• Self-care is essential to maintaining your well-being and role-modeling emotional resilience.
• Demonstrating your ability to handle ups and downs calmly and collectedly can positively impact your teen's emotional development.

Remember, it takes a calm brain to calm a brain. 

By focusing on understanding, empathy, and effective communication, you can navigate the challenges of this phase with your teenager while maintaining a strong and supportive relationship. 

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In today's episode, we delve into a complex and deeply human emotion: rejection. It's a feeling that touches all of us at some point or another, and it's something that we all need to navigate.

Key Takeaways:

• Rejection is a normal feeling. It's often closely associated with sadness 
• Rejection can show up following a range of situations from not getting a job to the end of a relationship, and it can be emotionally crushing.
• Our core beliefs and self-esteem play a pivotal role in how we process and respond to rejection.
• Rejection can also impact our self-esteem - the two can be closely linked
• Our brains don't like ambiguity, so they create stories to fill in the gaps when we face rejection. These stories can perpetuate negative beliefs about ourselves.
• How we respond to rejection can have a profound impact on our relationships and mental health.
• We're hardwired for connection, and our brains interpret rejection as physical pain. This explains why rejection can feel so agonizing.
• Some individuals have heightened sensitivities to rejection, which can stem from early experiences or conditions like ADHD.
• Rejection can lead to a sense of learned helplessness, which can further damage our self-esteem

In part one of this two-part series, we've explored the nuances of rejection and its profound impact on our lives. We've uncovered how our core beliefs, self-esteem, and responses play a role in how we experience rejection. Stay tuned for part two, where we delve into the complexities of rejection in parenting, particularly during the challenging transition from childhood to adolescence.

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In this episode, I had the pleasure of speaking with Jenny Brown, who has developed a project aimed at supporting parents in navigating the challenges of parenting adolescents.

I first came across Jenny in my family therapy studies, and her work has left a lasting impression on me. Her dedication to understanding and helping parents in their journey of raising kids and teenagers has been influential in my own work as a family therapist.

Throughout our discussion, we touched upon various aspects of parenting during the adolescent years. Jenny shares her expertise and offers valuable insights and guidance on improving parent-child relationships.

Key takeaways

Background and Project: Jenny Brown discusses how the Parent Hope Project is rooted in her earlier article, "We Don't Need Your Help But Can You Please Fix Our Children?" She emphasises the importance of involving parents in therapy, as the parent-child relationship is a crucial part of the therapeutic process.

Communication and Tone: Jenny and I talk about the importance of effective communication between parents and adolescents. We highlight the significance of shifting from a controlling or passive-aggressive tone to one that encourages open dialogue and collaboration.

Empathy and Understanding: The conversation emphasises the importance of empathy for parents and young people. Understanding the challenges and mixed messages that adolescents often convey and how parents can navigate some of these difficult conversations

Making a Project out of Yourself: Jenny advises parents to shift their focus from trying to change their child to making a project out of themselves. This means being aware of their emotional tone, adjusting their communication, and allowing their child space to grow and develop their own identity.

About Jenny

Dr Jenny Brown has been working in the field of child and family mental health and family therapy since the 1980’s. She has been a trainer and supervisor in the field in Australia and internationally for over 20 years. Jenny is Emeritus Executive Director of the Family Systems Institute Sydney, which she co-founded in 2004. She currently directs the Family Systems Practice and the Parent Hope Project (manualized interventions in child mental health). She is a clinical member and supervisor for the Australian Association of Family Therapy and, in 2018, received the Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy award for distinguished contribution to family therapy in Australia. In 2022 she received the annual research award from Bowen Centre for the Study of the Family in Washington DC.

parenthopeproject.com.au; 

thefsi.com.au; 

https://www.cambridgescholars.com/product/978-1-5275-1748-6 

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In this episode, I explore the importance of preparing for therapy and what to expect. This podcast episode emphasises the importance of preparing for therapy by clarifying goals and expectations. It debunks common therapy myths, offers strategies to manage pre-session anxiety, and highlights the significance of building trust and effective communication with a therapist for a successful therapeutic journey.

Before booking your first session, it's helpful to consider what you want to achieve through therapy. This clarity can help you choose the right therapist and focus your efforts effectively.

Questions to Reflect On:

• Why Are You Seeking Therapy Now? Understanding the trigger for seeking therapy can provide valuable context for your sessions.
• What Are Your Hopes and Expectations? Define what you want to achieve through therapy and discuss these expectations with your therapist.
• What Goals Do You Want to Work On? Identify specific behaviours or changes you'd like to see in your life.
• Managing Pre-Session Anxiety: It's common to feel nervous before your first therapy session. You can prepare by reflecting on your feelings and using resources like workbooks to structure your thoughts.

Common Myths About Therapy:

Myth 1: Believing that nothing can help your problems is limiting. Therapy can shed light on patterns and beliefs that impact your life.

Myth 2: Expecting others to change without considering your role in relationships is unproductive. Therapy often involves self-awareness and personal growth

• Building Trust with Your Therapist: Trust in therapy is a two-way street. Communicate openly with your therapist about your needs, challenges, and preferences. It's essential to feel comfortable and aligned with your therapist's approach.
• Effective Communication with Your Therapist: Establish a communication style that suits you. Whether it's sharing feedback, asking questions, or requesting specific support, open dialogue can enhance your therapeutic experience.

Remember, therapy is a collaborative process, and finding the right therapist for you is essential. If you ever feel uncomfortable or that your therapist isn't a good fit, it's okay to explore other options. 

Get in touch with Marie [email protected]

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ 

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Get the journal 

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In this podcast episode, I'm addressing the significance of "R U OK? Day," which falls on September 14th. This day serves as a reminder to discuss mental health and suicide prevention. I talk briefly about the history of R U OK? Day and its transformation into a vital social movement dedicated to preventing suicides.

Throughout the episode, I share some statistics related to suicide in Australia and the importance of sensitive language when discussing this topic. I debunk some common myths about suicide, such as the misconception that people who talk about it are merely seeking attention. I also stress that suicides often come with warning signs, and they can affect anyone, not just those with diagnosed mental illnesses.

Here are four essential tips for engaging in conversations about suicide:

• Direct Communication: Approach someone you suspect may be struggling with suicidal thoughts with clear and direct questions. Ask if they're having thoughts of ending their life. Avoid vague or judgmental language.
• Provide Support: If the person admits to having suicidal thoughts, work together to keep them safe. Connect them with appropriate professional help, such as a GP or a suicide hotline.

• Follow Up: After initial contact with professional help, check in with the individual. Show that you care and want to support them through their journey.

Normalise Conversations: Encourage open discussions about mental health and suicide prevention. Seek out resources and training programs to improve your communication skills in this crucial area.

Remember that your support as a compassionate friend can make a significant difference. Suicide knows no boundaries, and the more comfortable we become with these conversations, the better equipped we are to help those in need.

For additional resources and training programs, please refer to the links and information provided below.

Resources

https://www.ruok.org.au/

https://www.lifeline.org.au/

https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ 

https://mhfa.com.au/

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In this episode of "This Complex Life," I interview Patch Callahan, a clinical psychologist, to explore the concept of values and their importance in therapy, specifically in the context of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Patch provides insights into the difference between values and goals, as well as practical tips on defining and living your values.

The conversation in this episode delves into the challenges of discovering and living by one's values, including how to handle discomfort, make decisions, and find psychological flexibility. Patch Callahan's insights provide a valuable guide for those looking to explore and learn about themselves.

Key Takeaways:

• Understanding Values vs. Goals: Patch distinguishes between values and goals. Values are the underlying principles that guide our behaviour and choices, while goals are specific achievements or targets. Values provide the "why" behind our actions, giving them deeper meaning. Values are the deeply held principles and beliefs that guide our actions, behaviours, and decisions. They represent what is meaningful and important to us and serve as a compass for living an authentic and fulfilling life.
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• Importance of Values: Identifying and living according to our values can lead to a more purposeful and fulfilling life. It helps us make choices aligned with our true desires, fostering authenticity and satisfaction.
• 
  
• Defining Your Values:
• Start by considering various life domains, such as family, relationships, work, health, and leisure.
• Reflect on what is genuinely important to you within each domain, drilling down to specific values.
• Aim to narrow down your values to a manageable handful, around 5 or 6, that resonate deeply with you and activate a sense of purpose.
• Challenges in Identifying Values: Some people may struggle to discern their values. It's essential to explore, experiment, and learn through trial and error, seeking professional guidance if needed.

Three Tips to Define Your Values:

• Reflect on Life Domains: Consider different aspects of your life, such as family, relationships, work, health, and leisure, and identify what matters most to you within each domain.
• Drill Down to Specific Values: Delve deeper within each domain to identify specific values that resonate with you. For example, within the family domain, you might value connection, vulnerability, or reliability.
• Narrow Down to a Handful: Aim to narrow down your values to around 5 or 6 that feel deeply meaningful and guide your actions. These values should be tangible and connect with your desired future.

Importance of Defining Your Values: Identifying your values is crucial because they provide a clear sense of purpose and direction in life. Living according to your values fosters authenticity, helps you make choices aligned with your true desires, and leads to a more fulfilling and meaningful life. It allows you to navigate challenges and make decisions that resonate with your core beliefs and principles.

Resources

Bulls eye activity

Get in touch with Patch 

https://actofliving.com.au/our-team/patch-callahan/ 

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In today's episode, I talk about complaining and how we address problems.

Complaining is not great for our mental health and wellbeing. It can create a habit in our brain to focus on negative things. It can also impact relationships.

Main Talking Points:

Complaining vs. Stating Facts: Often, we don't realise we're complaining when we think we're just stating facts or observations. This can lead us to believe our complaints are justified when in reality, they're often just negative thoughts in disguise.

Impact on Relationships: Frequent complaining can damage relationships and create a negative atmosphere. Recognising that what we express affects those around us is essential to maintaining healthy interactions.

Shifting Focus to Positives: Our brains are wired to seek out danger and negatives as a survival mechanism. However, constantly focusing on the negative can lead to finding more things that go wrong and that are negative. It's like we’re looking out for them 

Embracing the analogy of "having a pony and needing to shovel shit" can help us reframe problems. Just as having a pony brings responsibilities, many good things come with challenges that need to be addressed.

Circle of Control or circle of influence: Understanding the concept of the "Circle of Control" can guide us in distinguishing what we can control, influence, or have no control over. This perspective helps us allocate our energy wisely and respond more thoughtfully to situations.

Remember, we all have the choice to decide what we focus on and how we respond. By becoming more mindful of our thoughts and expressions, we can reshape our mindset and approach to problems, ultimately improving our wellbeing and relationships. 

connect with Marie

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Mentioned in this episode:

Join me live Jan 28th for the Relationship New Year Reset

Why do some people avoid couples therapy?

In this episode, Belinda and I talk about fears and hesitation surrounding couples therapy. We discuss stigmas and misconceptions that prevent people from seeking the help they need to nurture and grow their relationships.

In this episode 

• Belinda and I discuss the value of couples therapy 
• We talk about how to find the right therapist who can work with the specific challenges faced within your relationship.
• We discussed ways of navigating challenging conversations. 
• We talk about the importance of being curious rather than critical during difficult discussions.
• The role of individual therapy and how it can complement couples therapy 

Couples therapy can be a transformative experience for relationships, providing tools and insights to improve communication, connection, and conflict resolution. By being curious and seeking the right therapist, individuals can foster a deeper understanding of their relationship dynamics. 

About Belinda Gibson

Belinda is a registered Psychologist and Gestalt Psychotherapist, and is the founder and director of Footscray Counselling Centre, where she provides individual, couples and groups with relationally orientated psychotherapy supervision and therapy.

Belinda also works as a consultant to various academic and medical organisations, facilitating reflective group practice, training workshops and supervision.

https://footscraycounsellingcentre.com.au/

Blog post mentioned

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/is-it-too-late-for-couples-therapy-5-benefits-of-couples-therapy/

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Mentioned in this episode:

Join me live Jan 28th for the Relationship New Year Reset

What is EMDR Therapy

In this episode of This Complex Life, I sit down with Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and EMDR Therapy Trainer Caroline Burrows.

Caroline and I discuss the use of EMDR therapy and how we use it to support folks with traumatic experiences and difficult memories 

Understanding EMDR  Therapy?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It's a type of psychological therapy that activates the brain's natural healing capacity to overcome painful life experiences that keep impacting us.

The EMDR Process.

EMDR therapy can be broken down into eight phases, starting from building a strong therapeutic relationship to preparing the person for the processing of traumatic or negative memories and experiences. EMDR Therapy aims to help individuals gain control over distressing experiences, making them less vivid, reducing attached emotions, and changing the way they think about the events.

EMDR therapy isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. 

The number of sessions and techniques used varies from person to person based on their needs and the complexity of their experiences. It's about finding the best fit for each individual.

Resource Building

Caroline highlights the importance of resource building. This phase involves equipping the person with coping skills and confidence both during and outside of EMDR sessions. These resources help them manage any emotional processing that continues after therapy.

Key Takeaways:

• EMDR therapy activates the brain's natural healing to overcome painful experiences.
• The therapy is personalised, with no fixed number of sessions.
• Don't be afraid to ask questions and advocate for yourself during therapy sessions.
• Resource building is essential to support clients in their healing journey.
• EMDR Therapy can benefit individuals dealing with trauma, depression, anxiety, and more.

Further reading or resources

• EMDRAA website: www.emdraa.org
• Mindful Living website: www.mindfulliving.com.au
• Free resources for the public: www.mindfulliving.com.au/resources/
• The book discussed: www.everymemorydeservesrespect.com/

Connect with Caroline 

Caroline Burrows is an Accredited EMDR Trainer and Consultant with a background in Clinical Social Work and Psychotherapy. She has over 15 years of experience providing therapeutic services across community, hospital, medical and university settings.

She is the Owner and Director of Mindful Living, a group private practice in the eastern suburbs of Melbourne. As the EMDR Coordinator at The Melbourne Clinic, Caroline developed the first inpatient hospital EMDR program in Victoria. She has an infectious enthusiasm for EMDR Therapy and provides innovative EMDR training and consultation and clinical supervision to mental health professionals across Australia and abroad. Caroline loves encouraging, motivating and mentoring therapists as they embrace the opportunities that EMDR Therapy brings.

For more details, visit www.carolineburrows.com.au

Connect with Marie

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Mentioned in this episode:

Join me live Jan 28th for the Relationship New Year Reset