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In this week's episode of Paige's Perspective, Paige discusses "fake it till you make it" and the importance of this annoying phrase and how there's actually something beautiful underneath it all. There are of course caveats, and all of them are discussed in this quick pick-me-up episode!

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Betrayal trauma refers to the deep psychological harm that occurs when someone experiences a significant betrayal within a primary relationship such as a romantic partnership and it impacts the victim's sense of trust, safety, and security. Codependency doesn't come close to touching on the trauma experienced by spouses and partners of alcoholics, addicts, or people that have been affected by infidelity, but betrayal trauma does. In this episode we discuss betrayal trauma and its roots, as well as examples and the reasons the effects from betrayal fallout aren't as simple as picking up and moving on. Betrayal trauma has psychological, behavioral, and emotional effects that last long after the events that caused betrayal have passed.  You have been through significant trauma whether you realize it or not and your healing journey begins with understanding concepts such as this. We hope you glean some validation and assistance for what's next for you as you navigate your challenges. We're here for you every step of the way.

Addiction Unlimited Podcast - This is the amazing episode on betrayal trauma referenced in the episode.

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In this week's episode of Paige's Perspective, Paige dives deep into how she moved out of the cocoon phase and discusses timeframe, how she got started, and how fitness and self care really got the ball rolling. In working through the cocoon phase, you will discover that you can do hard things, push harder than you ever have before, and become the beautiful butterfly inside using tools learned within the cocoon phase. 

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In this episode we discuss the cocoon phase of healing; a familiar place for many spouses and partners of alcoholics as they process the truth of their lives and relationships and begin to transition. The cocoon phase is important in the healing process or even through crisis as we reshape our identities, rediscover ourselves, grieve, regulate our emotions, learn, and establish boundaries. It feels scary and lonely, but there's massive benefit to this process for the resilience gained and the empowered person you will become on the other side.

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In this week's episode of Paige's Perspective, let's talk about how to budget the f**ks you give just like a bank account. For a spouse or partner affected by addiction, life is overwhelming and things that once garnered a lot of your attention need to be let go - and things you never thought twice about, MUST be given focus and attention. Everyone only has so much emotional bandwidth on any given day, so let's discuss how to best budget your attention and emotions so that you can care for yourself and the things that matter most.

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Compassion is a beautiful characteristic and necessary to some degree in relationships, but there can be too much of a good thing.  While compassion is an important and valuable quality, excessive or misplaced compassion in such situations can lead to enabling harmful behaviors, compromising one's own well-being, and perpetuating the cycle of abuse or addiction. In this episode we discuss the importance of compassion, the ways in which it can be harmful to the spouse or partner of someone suffering from alcoholism or addiction, and how to balance compassion with boundaries and self-care.

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Today marks the start of a new solo segment with Paige to supplement our regular weekly show to get you more help, more inspiration, and more lessons. It's called Paige's Perspective, and it's going to be a weekly message to our audience to provide more insight as to what a spouse's journey is like. 

This week Paige spends a moment to discuss something that many spouses and partners of alcoholics and addicts struggle with - the perpetual thought that my feelings were broken, not the relationship. Why can I not tolerate drinking and marriage like everyone else? Why can't I just let things go? Why do I feel this way? 

You're not crazy, you never were. 

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Many times spouses and partners are lost in a maze of issues that leave confusion and trouble answering a simple question, "What am I recovering from? What defines my recovery?" A marriage or relationship with an alcoholic or addict or a narcissistic or abusive person leaves the victim with issues ranging from PTSD, depression, anxiety disorder, "codependency" as Alanon calls it, or a range damage and it's complex. Much like someone with addiction is simply not recovering from substance abuse, recovery requires a journey involving therapy, support communities, self-work, and plenty of realizations along the way. In this episode we spend time discussing Paige's recovery and specifically, moving from naive and innocent to angry and cynical, ultimately to wisdom and knowing when to trust the right people and when to exclude harmful people from your world. 

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How much should you focus on the substance? To what degree is the substance responsible for someone's behavior? Is it easier to forgive someone's bad behavior because they're addicted? Should compassion for a struggling addict or alcoholic overshadow your needs for an equal partner, or for honesty in a relationship? With all of the information on addiction that ranges from choice to disease, it's incredibly hard to know what you should have tolerance for and what you shouldn't. We propose something that worked for us - focus on the behaviors and how they affect you and cast aside the substance. It has been our experience that the substance only made existing behaviors more severe, but it was not the cause of all of them. Long after the substance was removed, many of the harmful behaviors within our relationship remained. We discuss the benefits of focusing on behaviors rather than the substance to bring clarity to a relationship or marriage where addiction is present. We also discuss some of the common ways alcoholics and addicts use the addiction as an excuse for their behaviors and how this keeps spouses "trapped." We touch on the dangers of long-term lying and emotional abuse from an addicted person and how these things affect a spouse, and why many of the harmful behaviors you identify hang around long after the substance is gone. Our goal for the episode was to highlight the fact that it's not the substance that causes harm, it's the behaviors that come along with addiction and how they affect you, your children, and your environment. 

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We continue to answer listener submitted questions in this episode and address the following: 
1. How do you learn to trust yourself and your instincts again when an alcoholic spouse has crippled your sense of self.
2. How involved should a spouse or partner be in the decisions around treatment (rehab), aftercare (IOP/PHP/sober living), and even maintenance programs.
3. How soon is too soon to start discussing ways the addiction impacted you, the marriage, your children. A spouse or partner discussing their trauma is incredibly important, but for many also a trigger for relapse.
4. How to handle friends and family distancing themselves from you once they become aware of how alcoholism and addiction have impacted you and the relationship.
5. Can a problem drinker ever learn to moderate again?

We rapid-fire through these questions submitted by our wonderful community and we hope the discussion is helpful!

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