When I was married to an alcoholic and substance abuser, he would try to blame his addiction on me.

He would call me a nag or controlling or no fun. As if I stopped nagging he would stop drinking.

Or he would try to get me to believe if I stopped monitoring how much he drank he would stop drinking so much.

Or how about if I had a little more fun (i.e. party with him) he wouldn't need to party so much.

You're not buying this, are you?

All these attempts are ways this disease tries to make us feel guilty.

This is called unnecessary guilt. The condemning kind of guilt that doesn't come from God.

If you can relate to anything I just shared, let me help put this ridiculous guilt trip and attempt to manipulate it back into perspective.

You could be a mannequin. Literally a mannequin - like the ones they have in department stores - and your partner would be drinking or using drugs.

Picture it for just a second. You could be one of those mannequins in the store with a wig and a perfect body and be standing in the kitchen looking all fake and thin in that awkward position that mannequins always stand in.

You wouldn't be able to talk (so you couldn't nag him or her) and you wouldn't be able to walk (so you couldn't monitor how much your partner is drinking by looking for his or her stash or marking the bottles) and let's just say you had a big smile on your face and were all dressed up looking like you're ready to party.

I know that seems like a ridiculous example, but I want to teach you just how ridiculous taking the blame for your loved one's drinking or drugs really are.

What do you think he or she is going to do now that you're the perfect woman they've been asking for? You're not nagging. You're not monitoring how much your partner is drinking because you're leaving them alone. And you're all dressed up and look like you're ready for fun.

He or she is going to carry on drinking or using drugs.

He or she is going to keep doing what they want to do whether you nag, monitor their drinking, party with them, or not.

So if it makes no difference, why should you try not to nag? Because it's an attempt to control someone other than yourself.

Why should you try not to monitor your loved one's drinking? Because it makes no difference if it's beer, vodka, pills, or cocaine. The substance will change, but your partner won't until they want to.

Monitoring your loved one's drinking distracts you from taking care of yourself.

There are benefits of not nagging, having more fun (NOT by drinking or partying, but by doing things you enjoy), and to not monitoring your partner's drinking, but they are benefits for YOU, my wonderful friend. Not your loved one.

So let's make a promise to surrender the guilt. Let it go. It serves no purpose.

Forgive yourself and you can stop feeling stuck and start moving forward with a positive and loving attitude.

If you're ready to make your healing as important as your partner's sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.