In this episode I talk about the challenge abuse survivors face when they begin to tell others what has happened to them. This is where they discover the truth that many of the relationships that they had were actually built on the shaky premise that they had to capitulate to the opinions and desires of everyone around them in order to be loved and accepted by other people. 

They realize that it wasn’t just their partner who defined them in a certain way. It was a lot of the people in their life.  What happens is that a survivor sees herself mirrored in the eyes of other people. What she sees is a distortion of who she is because other people don’t really know who she is all the time. They have their own ideas, but they don’t necessarily know who we are, especially if they are abusive themselves.

What abusive people usually do is project their own shortcomings onto other people – mostly onto their intimate partner or children. If they have weaknesses deep down in their own life they are ashamed about, in order to feel better about themselves they will project those exact weaknesses onto their target. 

Then if she is highly sensitive, she will take on the shame of their abuser. She will take it on herself and begin to see herself that way even though that is not who she really is in her core.

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