Having trouble detaching from a toxic relationship that is over because you swear he or she was your best friend? You try “no contact” and focus on yourself, which is great until you hear from them and lose all the ground you gained. You get sucked back into the hope that he or she has become the person you believed they could be, you know the best friend you imagined them to be plus more (lover, partner, et al). You hold onto fantasies and expectations about the day they will finally wake up and get it. Does that happen? No, but you aren’t able to detach. It’s hard to commit to your own well-being when you can’t let go.

No matter how many times this person has hurt you, you may still feel this “best friend” connection to them, which is a painful place to live; especially if they have moved on and are in a relationship with someone else. Don’t fight against your feelings—they are real and should be acknowledged—but look at what is actually happening. The more you see what’s true, the more clarity you’ll have around what you’re actually attached to. Ask yourself if you were putting this person on a pedestal and giving the relationship more meaning than it deserved. You want to matter enough to yourself to be able to move on so you’re not stuck in a situation where you receive breadcrumbs.