Anxious Attachment Solution: Taking Back Her Brain with Love Life Coach Amber Lynn

5 Steps to stop this cycle 

1. You have to become an observer of your thoughts and feelings. What thoughts are you thinking, how do they make you feel?
2. You have to grow your capacity to feel the intense emotions without taking action. This looks like naming the feeling in your body, where does it sit, how does it feel, while acknowledging how uncomfortable it is to sit with these feelings.
3. You have to grow your capacity to feel the urgency to react and know that you are already safe and you can process these emotions before you react. This looks like practicing thoughts of “I am safe right now, my anxious attachment is triggered but I am safe, I feel the urgency and I do not have to do anything yet”
4. You have to learn how to feel urgency and decide to pause
5. You have to learn to give yourself compassion and love in this exact moment. This looks like acknowledging your anxious attachment has been triggered, validating your feelings because they are real for you right now in this moment and still deciding to pause and feel them. Creating safety with yourself. Letting yourself know that you are capable of feeling these overwhelming emotions and creating trust with yourself. 

Our brain likes things that are familiar, that “Feel” safe- things that it already knows. So no matter what your goal, or dream is- if it is something “new” or “different” your brain is going to have a hard time adapting to it and it is NORMAL. Do not take this resistance as a signal to stop or that this is not for you- take this brain resistance as part of the process of doing and learning new things. Even things that aren’t necessarily good for us- but are familiar our brian will prefer- which shows you that not all fear is logical- not all fear is in our best interest. Fear of a bear is important, fear that rises from within late at night as you walk- these could be helpful fear that “keep you safe”But fear of failure, fear of being seen, and fear of rejection, fear that really comes from a place of insecurity and doubt- these fears are not fears that should stop you or hold you back. These fears need to be questioned and challenged.These fears are just brain wirings that need to be rewired, these fears are where are brain needs to grow in its capacity to feel hard and uncomfortable feelings and most importantly our brain needs to learn that even though we feel this way WE are still going to show up, and go after our dreams and our goals.Remember that it is a decision, we get to decide what we do when we feel this fear. Do we listen to it and decide to buffer through it and not show up. Do we ignore it and decide to make it mean that these dreams/goals are not for us. Or do we decide that we want these goals, dreams AND we comfort our body and these fears come up. These fears are going to come up because these insecure thoughts and doubts are going to come up.Just because these fears are here does not mean that your insecurities or doubts are FACT. aka true… it just means your brain already processed those thoughts and now you have these feelings.It is learning to challenge and question these doubts and insecurities instead of believing them. It is deciding to believe in yourself on purpose over and over again. It is believing that starting over again and again still gets you closer to success than giving up. It is knowing that this process, this journey is not going to be easy and without fear. It is truly knowing that giving into fear will keep you stuck. Giving into fear will keep you from all the things that you want in life. Giving into your insecurities will keep you small and safe, but at the cost of your dreams, your desires.So we get to decide if the cost is worth the prize/consolation. Is showing up when you are fearful over and over again worth getting your dream or accomplishing that goal? If you KNEW without a doubt that your dream was on the other side of this fear would you give into the fear and believe your doubts or would you walk with the fear and question your doubts?

I teach my clients how their thoughts create their feelings and I teach them how to take back their power and control.

Do you find that you take everything personally? With relationships? Friendships? Siblings? That text from a partner, from a friend, that conversation with that other human ?

Do you find yourself comparing yourself to other women, comparing yourself to other mothers? Comparing your looks? Your body? Your life? Your parenting?

Do you find yourself working tirelessly trying to get it all done- do ALL the things and then have nothing left for you, your family or your hobbies?

Do you take other people’s behavior, your child’s success or failures and make it mean something about you as a person? Do you take it personally and make it mean you aren’t good enough? You aren’t doing enough

Then this podcast is for you, better yet come work with me so that I can help you stop taking it all personally and stop allowing outside circumstances affect your Self Worth. Let me teach you how to live in this world and still feel good enough. You can find me on IG at Takingbackherbrain or email me at [email protected]

On today's Episode I am going to be talking about one of the Core Components of Emotional Freedom.

Developing a Secure Self Worth: I define a Secure Self Worth as: internally knowing that you are inherently worthy regardless of what happens outside of you or what your brain tells you.

A Secure Self Worth does not let situations, people or anything outside of you determine whether You are good enough.

I teach my clients how to develop a SECURE SELF WORTH so that nothing outside of them can take away their feeling of being good enough. I use the word SECURE self worth because if you are anything like I used to be, your self worth and your feeling of good enough fluctuated through different events, different interactions with other humans. So I teach my clients how to always maintain their self worth and the feeling of good enough. I teach my clients how to

Untying their self worth from all the things outside of them, I teach them how to develop self confidence, and develop unconditional self love and self acceptance. So they can handle any emotion, manage their overwhelm and stress, while maintaining their self worth.

I know there is a LOT and I mean A LOT that is out of our control as humans navigating this world. We are consistently interacting with other humans that don’t operate using our preferred manual. BUT there is definitely one thing that no one can take away from us and that is our thoughts and our feelings. Once you learn your power, the power you have over your emotions, and once you learn that emotions are just sensations in your body, you learn that you are really capable of processing and handling any emotion AND you don’t have to make things mean anything about your worthiness your life will be forever changed.

SO the first component I teach is how to develop a Secure Self Worth. A secure Self Worth is the understanding that no one can give you ‘good enoughness’ title- it can’t be earned, bought, sold or given to you from other people or situations. You just are worthy. It is the understanding that You decide that you are worthy, you believe that you are of value, and that you ARE ENOUGH.

That is it- Your job, your success, your accomplishments- DO NOT give you worthiness, they do not give you the title of GOOD ENOUGH.

Hello Everyone thank you for joining me today on Episode 28 Taking Back Her Brain with Love: The Art of Emotional Freedom. I am Life Coach Amber Lynn, I teach women the Art of Emotional Freedom through taking back their brain from social constructs, from their harsh inner voice, from anything that is holding them back from living the life they want. Through The Art of Emotional Freedom my clients learn how to develop self belief, self confidence, genuine self love and genuine self acceptance. They learn how to stop seeking outside validation, outside approval and how to stop seeking worthiness outside of themselves. They learn to stop giving away their power. They learn how to obtain emotional freedom, and to stop being controlled by their emotions. My clients learn how to talk back to their brain, to transform their belief in themselves and propel them forward.

First, what is emotional freedom? I define emotional freedom as the ability to have, process and feel any emotion, while not taking on the emotional responsibility of others around us.

We all have a human brain that has a story about who we are, what we are capable of doing, and our limitations. Our brain is designed to "protect" us from social rejection, social humiliation, and death, So our brain has decided for us what is "safe" and what is not safe for us to encounter. Our brain has decided in advance that feeling any uncomfortable feeling is not safe. This means that oftentimes our brain tells us untrue thoughts, that keep us "safe", unseen, unheard as a survival technique. Just because your brain gives you thoughts about yourself, does not mean they are true.

The most powerful thing we can learn is that We can intentionally, consciously rewire our brain to think new thoughts, to create new beliefs about who we are, what we are capable of doing and determine new capacities instead of limitations.

Most of us have brains that are wired to show us everything negative about ourselves, as a result of these thoughts on automatic repeat in our head, we have low self esteem, low self confidence and a really harsh inner critic that is constantly telling us all the ways we are never measuring up. So what? Well our thoughts create our emotions, our emotions drive the actions we take and the actions we take produce the results we have in our life. Low self confidence? Low self esteem? Always trying to prove your worth? ARE ALL CREATED by your thoughts.

So the thoughts we constantly think about ourselves- create emotions towards ourselves- driving us to buffer out of our feelings, because our feelings consist of "should-ing" ourselves, shaming ourselves, or just literally leaving us feeling shitty about ourselves. ULTIMATELY leaving us NEVER feeling good enough.

If we want to start feeling good enough, if we want self confidence, if we want to feel secure and adequate then we have to practice thoughts on purpose to believe new thoughts about ourselves.

Learning to accept all of you. Learning to recognize that your brain patterns (depression, anxious attachment are not your personality, they are a brain response)

Rule # 1 for having a managed mind

So I had two rules tied for number one, and I still can’t figure out which comes first, so they are tied

All Circumstances are neutral AND You have to Feel Your Feelings

Rule # 2 Our thoughts create our emotions

Rule # 3 Our Feelings Drive our actions

Rule #4 Our thoughts create our results

Rule #5 Other people’s opinions/ thoughts of us don’t matter

Rule #6 Knowing you can feel any emotion

Rule # 7 Life is 50/50 Accepting the feelings you feel

Rule #8 Holding Space for other people to be who they are

Rule # 9 Holding Space for Someone’s Reactions to you

Rule #10 Acknowledging and Accepting Other people don’t cause your feelings

Rule #11 Knowing your nervous response: Fight, Flight, Freeze and how it shows up in your daily reactions, and how it feels in your body

Rule #12 Knowing your brain is not a reliable source

Rule #13 Talking back to your brain

Rule #14 Our brain just wants to only have one thing be true but what if contradicting things could also be true

Rule #15 Making a decision and having your own back no matter how it turns out

Rule # 16 Knowing that any thought you want to think is available to you now

Rule #17 Knowing that any feeling you want to create is available to you right now

Rule #18 Most everything can be develop with a change/ shift in Mindset

Rule #19 Any belief you want to have about yourself is available to you right now

Rule #20 You are inherently worthy regardless of anything you do

So rule number 1 all circumstances are neutral:

Circumstances are anything that happens outside of you. Something someone says. An event that happened. A situation that took place.

You see, when we can metacognitively understand that all circumstances are neutral- which simply means think about our thoughts- and accept that all circumstances are neutral we take our power and control back. Things are no longer out of our control, things are no longer “happeing to us”. We are no longer victims in our own life. We learned that we get to decide what we want to make any circumstance mean to us. When we decide to objectively look at a circumstance and decide what we want it to mean, and not just take things our brain automatically offers, we gain power. You see when we experience circumstances that don’t feel good our brain typically offers us similar negative self talk like:

see you were never good enough, they don’t like you, they don’t care about you, you aren’t smart enough, you aren’t pretty enough, see they never thought you were capable, see you are inadequate.

But when we see a circumstance as neutral we get to ask ourselves Why are we choosing that thought, why are we choosing to believe this thought that our brain just likes to throw at us hoping we believe it, what if that wasn’t the real story? What if the thoughts it throws at us are not actually facts. Or truth.

If every circumstance is neutral- We learn how to manage our mind around it- we learn that we get to choose what we decide to believe.

You have to Feel Your Feelings do

Episode 25

Not making our feelings mean something

Hello There and Thank you for joining me today on Episode 25! Today we are going to be talking about the importance of feeling our emotions AND not making them mean something that just isn’t true. Oftentimes our brain has programmed us that if we feel fear, failure, or hesitation it is a “sign” that we are making the wrong decision.

This could be anything, it could be about ending a relationship, changing careers, telling someone no, doing anything that is out of our typical behavior or off our current path. It could be about making investments in yourself.

This could be anything that you choose to do and after you feel a feeling. For me it was my decision to change careers from being a Teacher to being a Life Coach. I had so much fear around am I making the right decision, will I make enough money, and if I have fear it must be because I am making the wrong decision. But guess what that just isn’t true.

We often take feelings as a “sign” - a sign if we are doing something right or wrong, if we made the right choice or not- We put all this weight on feelings and give them so much power. Instead of taking feelings to mean that we just had a thought. Feelings are a sign that we had a thought.

Our brain oftentimes gives us thoughts that 1) are not true 2) that are not helpful 3) that are just automatic.

So we have to start to learn to pay attention to when we are giving our feelings more power and less review, we need to review our feelings and see what thought caused these feelings. Instead of just believing our feelings to be true.

What if you feel fear, because you are doing something new- does that fear always mean that you are doing something wrong or that you made the wrong choice? No fear is just a sensation in your body letting you know you had a thought.

What if the ultimate goal was to learn to feel fear, instead of taking action out of fear and away from something new? What if the ultimate goal was to go toward something new AND feel the fear at the same time.

What if fear was just a sensation in our body and it didn’t mean anything has actually gone wrong. What if it was our job to learn to feel our feelings of fear and manage our thoughts about our fear AND go toward our goals.

What if fear of failure was okay. What if you could have the fear of failure AND still take scary steps towards becoming successful. What if the only path to success was cemented with failure and it was our job to learn to feel the sensations of failure without making it mean we weren’t good enough or we weren’t doing it right?

what if fear wasn’t a signal that something has gone wrong, but just a signal that you had a thought that needs some investigation.

What if feeling fear during uncertainty was okay AND you didn’t need to make uncertainty mean that you are making the wrong decision.

What if all this fear - is just your brain's way of keeping you safe from uncomfortable emotions that come with letting go, moving forward or moving on? What if you learned to feel fear and let it be a normal human emotion that you sometimes feel.

Our feelings are created by our thoughts. So go and check your thoughts. Ask yourself, is this thought even true? What if this thought wasn’t true?

Managing our mind and our life comes with learning how to feel any feeling as sensations in our body and not making it mean anything about our value, our worth or our potential. Feelings are just sensations in our body, they are just a signal that we had a thought.

It’s your job to go look over that thought with curiosity and ask how is this thought serving me? Is it keeping me quote “safe” is it keeping my brain safe by keeping me in old patterns?

On the way to work and wanted to share some road thoughts!