Authentic

I contributed to such shit energy this week in our home. For one and a half days my mind was so constricted with its viewpoint on being a step-mum and getting back into the swing of coaching, events and collaborations. My self talk was poor and the result were poor. I needed to sit myself down, have a hard chat and ask better questions of myself.

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Oh the days of pretending I had my shit together on first dates. I would put on any act I thought I had to in order to be chosen by the person in front of me. Thinking back to the dates is cringe worthy because my behaviour driven by insecurity and the deep belief that I didn't belong. So at the cost of my soul, I did anything I could to belong which only left me, you guessed it, alone.

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So many times I wanted to call it quits when starting out in my business. I was working hard for the money and the return was way less than the tiring hustle I was putting in. Steve took one look at what I was putting energy into - ineffective work, that was driven by a very limiting belief that women can't make money. 

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Waking up from ignorance is an ugly process and I'm experiencing it right now. It feels like The Truth is staring you right in the eye, grabbing you by the throat and you're standing there in shock feeling all the feels that have been buried by ignorance. This is a natural part of waking up to your power and giving rise to the leader inside you. Sure it's yuck, but it's what must be done to create the change we all truly want to see. 

Insta: @kat.john

Web: www.katjohn.com.au

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I used to get to the end of year and be like, "oh I can't wait for the new year, this one's been sh!t! It'll be my best one yet!" I legit would think that the new year was a clean slate with fresh energy for the whole year. But I was dragging all my unreconciled crap with me, wondering why the new year wasn't living up to my false expectations. Little did I know (until I knew) that what I did with that year was all up to me.

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I've always known deep down what I wanted, and that somewhere deep down I could have it. But my ego believed that I couldn't have it - that I didn't deserve it, that it wasn't for me, that it just won't happen in this lifetime, blah blah blah. So I reconciled in my head why things weren't working out for me, losing sight and falling short of what I knew could be fulfilled. In the last episode for Season 1, we end with a powerful reminder that there is potential waiting patiently to be actualised. And we are the ones to reignite it. 

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Oh I was the master of ignoring intuition. When I did, it lead to unnecessary pain, drama, chaos and shit that was (clearly) avoidable. Worst of all, I knew I heard the intuitive voice but ignored it out of being driven by my dysfunction. I cringe now with what I put myself (and others) through when in truth, I just didn't have to.

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I hated my body for a long time and still have my moments of intense body "ugh"! Back in the day I felt disgusting, gross, fat and different, often believing I was inferior to anyone who was thin. This moved into eating disorders, drug abuse, disrespecting my body through sex, zero boundaries and cutting myself off from experiencing orgasms. In a nutshell, I wanted to punish myself for self-destructive beliefs that robbed me from experiencing joy and pleasure.

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My greatest fear is being rejected. My biggest limiting belief is that I don't belong in the world. I never know what's coming around the corner that's about to trigger my poor little ego and all its fears. Sometimes I handle the trigger with grace, other times not so much. Here's a story where grace wasn't really present.

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Your ego cock-blocks your pure intended ideas that are downloaded from the spiritual plane. The idea lands in your mind, your ego doubts and asks, "how the fk do we do this?" Very quickly, self doubt rocks up and before you know it the idea has vanished when all it wanted was to see the light of day and be expressed. To see your ideas through you must master your ego or else it is the master of you.

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