Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic with Jon Seidl

“Everyone has a shame story.”

That’s from this week’s guest, Dr. Zoe Shaw. And she’s right. Shame isn’t reserved for the dramatic or the scandalous. It’s universal. It goes back to the garden. It hides deep. And it quietly shapes far more of our behavior than we’d like to admit.

Dr. Zoe is a licensed psychotherapist, speaker, and author of Stronger in the Difficult Places: Heal Your Relationship with Yourself by Untangling Complex Shame. Her story has been featured on the OWN Network, and her clinical work focuses on helping people untangle complex shame, break cycles of codependency, and build emotionally healthy relationships rooted in truth instead of hiding.

In this episode, we unpack what shame really is, how it forms, and why so many Christians confuse shame with holiness. Zoe shares her story of becoming pregnant at 15, being sent away to give birth in secret, and returning home carrying layers of hidden shame that shaped decades of overachievement, people-pleasing, and self-protection.

And if you’ve spent any time in recovery, you know this pattern. Shame doesn’t make you better. It makes you hide. It drives behavior underground. It convinces you that if people really knew you, they wouldn’t love you—and maybe that God wouldn’t either.

Zoe explains the difference between guilt and shame, simple shame and complex shame, and why guilt can lead to repentance, but shame leads to isolation. We talk about how complex shame snowballs over time, how overachievement can become a coping strategy, and why external validation doesn’t always dissolve what’s happening internally.

We also talk about faith. About bringing your real self—not just your cleaned-up self—to Christ. Because the gospel tells us we are loved despite our flaws and invites us out of hiding. We wrestle with forgiveness—not as minimizing what happened—but as “giving up all hope of a better past.” We talk about codependency, about trying to fix others in order to feel worthy ourselves. And we explore what Zoe calls the “maintenance phase” of healing, where shame still shows up but no longer gets to run the show.

If everyone has a shame story, the real question becomes: What are you doing with yours? Are you hiding it? Managing it? Overachieving around it?

Or are you bringing it into the light—where Christ has been inviting you the whole time?

Looking for a one-stop recovery resource? Learn more about the Tyndale Life Recovery Bible here.

We Explore:

—The difference between guilt, simple shame, complex shame, and toxic shame
—Why shame drives behavior underground instead of transforming it
—How complex shame builds in layers over time
—The connection between shame and overachievement, self-harm, and addiction patterns
—What it means to “deconstruct the blame”
—Forgiveness as giving up hope of a different past
—The link between shame and codependency
—Why fixing others won’t fix you
—Healthy vulnerability versus oversharing
—What the maintenance phase of healing actually looks like

Get Zoe's new book: Stronger in the Difficult Places
Follow Zoe on Instagram
Watch Zoe's story on OWN
Follow me: @jonseidl
Order my new book, Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic
Get the Tyndale Life Recovery Bible: https://hubs.la/Q041HjWm0

Support the Show: https://www.jonseidl.com/

Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

“I feel like I’m seeing colors now that I didn’t know existed.”

There should be a study done on how many recovering addicts say this exact thing (or something similar) about colors and their senses. It's what I said after getting sober and pursuing Jesus, and it's what Eddie Brett told me happened to him after he did the same thing. 

Eddie is someone who had it all. He had the record deal. The top 10 hit. The Simon Cowell contract. He stood on the stage of Britain’s Got Talent and nearly won the whole thing. From the outside, it looked like momentum and success. But inside, things were unraveling.

After getting dropped from his label, the drinking escalated. Nights blurred together. Shame piled up. A drunk-driving incident forced him to sit with a question he’d been avoiding: What if this isn’t just normal partying? What if this is something deeper?

In this episode, Eddie opens up about chasing blackouts, losing himself in alcohol culture, and the moment he admitted in a lonely studio, “I’ve actually got a problem.” He talks about what sobriety exposed in him—old wounds, fear of rejection, and a lifelong habit of running—and he shares how faith grew out of his climb toward finding the parts of himself he had numbed away.

If you’ve ever felt empty after getting everything you wanted, you'll want to hear Eddie's story.

Looking for a one-stop recovery resource? Learn more about the Tyndale Life Recovery Bible here.

We Explore:

– Fame, record deals, and the identity crisis that followed success
– The cultural pressure of British drinking culture and why “I’m fine” is so easy to believe
– The drink-driving incident that forced an honest look inward
– Writing a song alone in a studio and realizing, “I’ve actually got a problem”
– Why early sobriety felt like missing out—and how that shifted
– Replacing alcohol with discipline, fitness, and intentional habits
– The impact of a 30-year sober church member who radiated joy
– How faith reshaped his fashion, language, career decisions, and relationships
– Why pursuing Jesus changed more than just his drinking
– What it means to “see colors you didn’t know existed” in sobriety

Listen to Eddie's new Album: Common Kalos
Follow Eddie on Instagram
Follow me: @jonseidl
Order my new book, Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic
Get the Tyndale Life Recovery Bible: https://hubs.la/Q041HjWm0

Support the Show: https://www.jonseidl.com/

Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

“Hope does not know how to leave. It just stays and quietly whispers, 'everything’s going to be okay. I know everything isn’t okay right now. Everything’s going be okay.'”

That's from Tanner Olson, an absolutely incredible poet who has a lot to say about the things that plunge us into addiction in the first place. His poetry isn't unreachable, though. It's poetry that meets you where you are at. Especially in your struggles. And that's why I'm talking to him today. 

Tanner understands hopelessness—that thing so many of us try to escape and drink away. He's struggled through infertility, depression, and working jobs you know you weren't meant to work. Now he's written a new book all about the antidote to hopelessness called Getting Through What You’re Going Through. It’s a collection of poems and reflections written through hard seasons when the life he wanted felt far out of reach. He doesn’t offer clichés. Instead, he offers beauty.

In this episode, we talk about what led to the new book: working at Chick-fil-A at 25 while dreaming of becoming a writer, winters in northern Wisconsin that felt isolating, and depression that wrapped him like a wet bathing suit. But more importantly, we talk about hope—not as a slogan, not as a trite verse thrown at pain—but as something that remains.

If you’ve ever felt stuck…
If you’ve ever wondered whether you have the faith to sit with yourself instead of escaping…
If you’ve ever questioned whether God is still present in what you’re walking through…

This conversation is an invitation to slow down and go through it, not around it. Because in those places is where God meets us. 

Looking for a one-stop recovery resource? Learn more about the Tyndale Life Recovery Bible by visiting https://hubs.la/Q041HjWm0.

We Explore:

— Hope as “the full assurance that God is with me in this and will get me through this”
— The lie of feeling like a burden and not being good enough
— Depression, loneliness, and winters in northern Wisconsin
— Working at Chick-fil-A at 25 while pursuing a writing calling
— The courage required to leave a season that is no longer life-giving
— Why spiritual clichés often deepen wounds instead of healing them
— How to sit with someone who feels hopeless without trying to fix them
— The quiet, steady nature of real hope
— The difference between escapism and endurance
— Developing the faith to sit with yourself instead of reaching for escape

Get Tanner's new book: Getting Through What You're Going Through: Notes and Poems for Hoping and Becoming
Follow Tanner on Instagram and Substack
Tanner's website: writtentospeak.com
Follow me: @jonseidl
Order my new book, Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic
Get the Tyndale Life Recovery Bible: https://hubs.la/Q041HjWm0

Support the Show: https://www.jonseidl.com/

Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

“Forgiveness isn’t condoning what happened. It’s choosing not to let it destroy you anymore. … I forgave my dad more times than I can count, and I’ll probably keep forgiving him forever.”

Those are the beautiful words from Stephen McWhirter. You might not know McWhirter's name, but you do know his songs. Especially one of them. That’s because he’s the man behind the incredibly gripping worship anthem “Come Jesus Come,” recorded by CeCe Winans and eventually country superstar Cody Johnson.

But that's just a small part of a much bigger story. That story? It starts at a young age when McWhirter's father, a successful preacher loved by everyone, would beat his mother. The man who would praise God in the morning would punch his mom in the evening. How do you make sense of that?

The way so many of us do: we try to escape it. Numb it. Blur it out.

That’s exactly what McWhirter did. Despite his Christian upbringing, he ran hard into a life of drugs and alcohol starting at a young age. He needed to do all he could to drown the hypocrisy. The confusion. The images. Until one night, he couldn’t run anymore and God met him in the most unlikely way.

In this episode, McWhirter tells his unedited story from bitterness, to addiction, and ultimately to forgiveness. Along the way, he also tells the unlikely story behind Come Jesus Come—a song born out of longing for Christ’s return that later found a wider audience through Winans and Johnson—and explains how that longing reshaped the way he lives in the present. This is a conversation for anyone who has ever tried to run from God, and for anyone longing for things to be made right.

Looking for a one-stop recovery resource? Learn more about the Tyndale Life Recovery Bible by visiting https://hubs.la/Q041HjWm0.

We explore: 

— How spiritual hypocrisy can fuel addiction and rebellion
— Growing up with abuse behind the scenes of public faith
— Addiction as self-destruction, numbness, and unresolved rage
— Encountering Jesus in the middle of active drug use
— Why forgiveness is necessary even when reconciliation isn’t possible
— The repeated, ongoing nature of true forgiveness
— Repentance as an invitation to freedom, not punishment
— Why hiding always leads to deeper bondage
— Why recovery aimed only at sobriety will never be enough
— What it means to become fully alive in Jesus

Get Stephen's new book: Radically Restored: How Knowing Jesus Heals Our Brokenness
Stephen's Instagram: @stephenmcwhirter
Follow me: @jonseidl
Order my new book, Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic
Get the Tyndale Life Recovery Bible: https://hubs.la/Q041HjWm0

Support the Show: https://www.jonseidl.com/

Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

“You are not stuck because of what happened. You’re stuck because your brain keeps running the same play. And your brain is always ready to run a new one the moment you tell it to.”

That's just one of the incredible insights from practicing neurosurgeon Dr. Lee Warren, who joins us today to talk about a practice he calls "self-brain surgery." In this conversation, Lee explains how modern neuroscience confirms what Scripture has been teaching for thousands of years: transformation happens through the renewing of the mind, and our brains are not fixed, broken machines doomed to repeat the past.

Drawing from his experience as a neurosurgeon, Iraq War veteran, and grieving father, Lee walks through the science of neuroplasticity and why addiction is best understood as a hijacked reward system rather than a moral failure. We talk about how thoughts shape brain structure, why trauma isn’t what keeps us stuck—but our responses to it can—and how believers often unknowingly participate in their own demise by assuming change isn’t possible.

This episode is not about quick fixes or denying the need for professional help. It’s about recovering agency, reclaiming responsibility, and understanding that God has designed the brain to change. If you’ve ever felt trapped by patterns you hate, weighed down by grief, or discouraged by how slow sanctification feels, this conversation offers both hope and a way forward. Listen if you want a deeper, grounded understanding of how faith and neuroscience work together in real transformation.

We explore:

— Why the brain is not creating your thoughts but responding to them
— How neuroplasticity explains biblical commands to renew the mind
— Addiction as a hijacked reward system rather than mere behavior
— The difference between trauma and the responses we form to trauma
— Why grief can become something we unconsciously worship
— How “self-brain surgery” describes real, structural brain change
— The role of metacognition in interrupting destructive thought patterns
— Why Christians often feel stuck even while believing the right theology
— The limits of medication and the necessity of professional care alongside cognitive change
— What it means to refuse to participate in your own demise

Get Lee's new book: The Life-Changing Art of Self-Brain Surgery
Sign up for Lee's emails
Lee's Instagram: @drleewarren
Follow me: @jonseidl
Order my new book, Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic

Support the Show: https://www.jonseidl.com/

Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

“Addiction promises control, comfort, and rescue—but it actually strips all of those things away. It intoxicates you so you can no longer discern what’s really happening.”

Is addiction merely a personal struggle—or is it part of a much larger spiritual battle? In this episode, Joel Muddamalle helps us rethink addiction through the lens of spiritual warfare, not in a sensational or fear-driven way, but in a deeply biblical and pastoral one. Rather than framing spiritual warfare as dramatic demonic encounters or something to obsess over, Joel explains how the real danger often lies in what quietly compromises our discernment, dulls our awareness, and slowly reshapes our loves.

Joel is the author of a new book, The Unseen Battle: Spiritual Warfare, Three Rebellions, and Christ’s Victory Over Dark Powers.

We explore how addiction functions as a form of spiritual intoxication—one that promises relief and control while subtly disorienting the heart, mind, and soul. Joel shows why Scripture consistently calls believers to be sober-minded, alert, and resistant, and how addiction undermines those very capacities. This conversation also reframes sanctification itself as a battleground, where the fight is not simply against bad habits, but against counterfeit comforts that keep us from true dependence on Jesus.

If freedom has felt harder than you think it should, or willpower alone never seems to be enough, this episode offers a reason: the struggle is bigger than you think. But so is the God you serve.

We Explore:

— why addiction is not just about excess but about losing spiritual and emotional discernment
— how Scripture frames spiritual warfare as something we resist, not something we seek out
— the difference between awareness and acceptance when it comes to addictive patterns
— why sanctification itself is a form of spiritual warfare
— how counterfeit comfort keeps us from true dependence on Jesus
— the danger of aiming for sobriety instead of aiming for Christ
— how pride, secrecy, and isolation fuel addiction
— why honesty and humility are essential for real healing
— how modern systems quietly train us to self-medicate and self-save
— what it actually looks like to fight sin with love instead of willpower

Joel's new book: The Unseen Battle: Spiritual Warfare, Three Rebellions, and Christ’s Victory Over Dark Powers
Joel's Substacks Humble Theology and Stranger Theology
Joel’s Instagram: @muddamalle
Invite Joel to speak
Follow me: @jonseidl
Order my new book, Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic

Support the Show: https://www.jonseidl.com/

Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

“It wasn’t about how much I drank—it was about how much mental and heart space it occupied. I loved it more than I wanted to admit.”

That realization for Ali Kennedy didn’t come during a dramatic rock bottom. Instead, it came after years of managing, moderating, and justifying a relationship with alcohol that looked fine on the outside but was slowly crowding out joy, clarity, and intimacy with God.

In this episode, I sit down with Ali—a pastor’s wife, missionary, former Ivy League athlete, and writer—who shares her honest story of giving up alcohol not once, but twice. Ali’s journey challenges the idea that addiction has to look a certain way and invites us to ask deeper questions about disordered loves, shame, and the subtle ways we settle for breadcrumbs when God is offering a feast.

Ali opens up about growing up around alcohol, finding early freedom after a radical encounter with Christ, and then slowly welcoming alcohol back into her life in socially acceptable, highly-regulated ways. Over time, what never crossed obvious lines began to quietly take up more space than she wanted to admit—especially during seasons of grief, motherhood, and ministry pressure.

And I think a lot of us can relate to that.

This conversation isn’t about labels. It’s about obedience, discernment, and the courage to listen when the Holy Spirit keeps tapping your shoulder. If you’ve ever felt foggy, restless, or spiritually distracted—even while doing “nothing wrong”—Ali’s story may give you permission to take that prompting seriously and ask what God might be inviting you to lay down.

We explore:

— Why addiction isn’t defined only by quantity or frequency
— How shame keeps Christians silent and stuck
— The difference between moderation and freedom
— Alcohol as a “disordered love” rather than a visible vice
— Grief, motherhood, and the quiet return of coping behaviors
— Why obedience sometimes matters more than labels
— The role of confession and community in lasting change
— What it means to stop settling for breadcrumbs and pursue the feast

Work with Ali: https://www.alikennedy.com
Ali's writing: Homes of Glory
Ali's Instagram: @alikennedylive
Follow me: @jonseidl
Order my new book, Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic

Support the Show: https://www.jonseidl.com/

Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

“I got prideful. I was like, ‘I’m never going to drink again.’ And then all of a sudden… it looked really good.”

This conversation with Jeramy Houghton is a reminder that recovery is rarely clean or linear. Jeramy shares how growing up in an unsafe home shaped his sense of stability long before alcohol ever entered the picture. When drinking did become part of his life, it wasn’t chaos at first—it was relief. Alcohol became a way to cope with pressure, stress, and the weight of adulthood, even as his faith was growing.

Over time, that coping turned into dependence. Jeramy talks honestly about knowing God was calling him to stop and still choosing alcohol because it felt easier. What started as occasional drinking escalated into daily use, morning vodka, and a slow unraveling that included job loss, health warnings, and deep strain on his marriage. Eventually, everything came to a head when Jeramy admitted what he could no longer deny: he couldn’t stop on his own.

What followed was a dramatic turning point. Jeramy describes a moment where his desire for alcohol disappeared entirely—something he’s careful not to present as a formula or a promise. For years, sobriety came without craving. But freedom didn’t mean the work was finished. Slowly, pride crept in. After five years sober, Jeramy found himself believing he was beyond the danger zone—until the old pull returned and drinking “looked really good again.”

This time, the turning point wasn’t dramatic—it was honest. Jeramy shares how naming his desire out loud before acting on it changed everything, exposing unresolved family pain and leading to difficult but necessary boundaries. His story isn’t about perfection or permanence. It’s about humility, obedience, and the kind of freedom in Christ that keeps inviting deeper truth long after sobriety begins.

We Explore:

— Growing up in an emotionally unsafe home shaped by alcoholism
— How alcohol slowly became a coping mechanism rather than a pleasure
— Living as a Christian while choosing alcohol despite conviction
— The escalation into daily drinking and morning vodka
— Job loss, medical warnings, and the moment of surrender
— Experiencing radical freedom from desire—and why that wasn’t the end
— Why some recovery structures felt like a different form of bondage
— How pride quietly reopened the door after years sober
— The power of naming desire out loud before acting on it
— Setting painful family boundaries for the sake of safety
— What freedom in Christ looks like amid ongoing sanctification

Follow me: @jonseidl
Order my new book, Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic.

Support the Show: https://www.jonseidl.com/

Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

“Alcohol is a poison disguised as a remedy.”

That’s the wisdom Ericka Andersen brings to this conversation—wisdom that developed after years of a quiet struggle that slowly took ahold of her and wouldn't let go. Like many evangelicals nowadays, she assumed drinking was neutral, normal, and largely harmless. But over time, she began to notice a widening gap between what alcohol promised and what it actually delivered.

In this episode, Ericka shares how drinking slowly moved from social habit to something she felt unable to control—even though she knew early on that something was off but kept overriding that inner voice. She opens up about hiding alcohol, waking up in the middle of the night consumed by compulsion, and living with the tension of appearing fine on the outside while unraveling internally.

Ericka also names the loneliness of not seeing stories like hers reflected in church spaces, where alcohol is increasingly treated as a non-issue or even a virtue and especially harms women. Rather than calling for rules or ultimatums, though, she makes a compelling case for curiosity—asking better questions about why we drink, what it costs us, and who it quietly harms.

This conversation is for anyone who doesn’t look out of control but knows something is wrong; for those who don’t resonate with “rock bottom” narratives but still feel unsettled; and for Christians who are ready to examine cultural assumptions and get curious.

We Explore:

— How alcohol functions as a socially acceptable coping mechanism
— Why early internal warnings are so easy to ignore
— The gap between outward control and inner compulsion
— How secrecy quietly reshapes drinking habits
— Why many Christians don’t see their stories reflected in church culture
— The myth that a problem has to look extreme to be real
— How alcohol promises relief but delivers diminishing returns
— Why asking better questions matters more than forcing behavior change
— The difference between legal and harmless
— What freedom begins to look like when denial ends

Ericka's new book: Freely Sober

Follow Ericka: @ericka_andersen

Ericka's writing: https://erickaandersen.substack.com 

Follow me: @jonseidl

Order my new book, Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic.

Support the Show: https://www.jonseidl.com/

Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

“When I numbed anxiety and uncertainty, I also numbed beauty and joy.”

That moment of clarity from Ericka Graham came after years of abusing prescription drugs, when God met her in a beautiful way involving a bumble bee and a flower. The point? Substances numb the bad, sure, but they also numb the good.

But addiction isn't the whole of Ericka's story. From a young age, she also struggled with obsessive-compulsive disorder—compulsions, intrusive thoughts, and scrupulosity, the form of OCD that focuses on faith and religious rituals.

In this episode, Ericka shares how OCD and scrupulosity quietly trained her nervous system to look for relief through control. She explains how religious fear, perfectionism, and an all-or-nothing mindset made it difficult to tell the difference between faith and compulsion—and how those same patterns eventually showed up in disordered eating and prescription medication abuse. None of it looked alarming from the outside. She was high-functioning, responsible, and sincere. But internally, anxiety was running the show.

Ericka also reflects on the night in an emergency room that her denial cracked, why recovery didn’t begin with willpower, and how learning to sit with uncertainty became a crucial part of healing from both addiction and OCD-driven control.

This conversation is for anyone who lives with intrusive thoughts, spiritual anxiety, or the exhausting need to get it “right,” and for those who’ve learned to cope quietly rather than ask for help. Ericka’s story is a reminder that numbness is never selective—and that real healing often begins when we stop managing ourselves and allow God to meet us in our fear instead of our certainty.

We explore: 

– How anxiety quietly fueled Ericka’s need for control
– The early signs of compulsive behavior that were easy to overlook
– Why high-functioning coping often delays honesty
– How numbing anxiety also numbs joy, beauty, and connection
– The progression from disordered eating to prescription drug abuse
– Why denial can coexist with sincerity and faith
– The moment that finally cracked her self-deception
– The difference between willpower and surrender in recovery
– How recovery reshaped her experience of God
– Why feeling again was both terrifying and necessary

Ericka's podcast: Curiously

Follow Ericka: @mrserickagraham

Follow me: @jonseidl

Order my new book, Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic.

Support the Show: https://www.jonseidl.com/

Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.