Most guys have a dream car, I have a dream cat. We are not the same. The cat does happen to be $15,000 though. Yikes, so my friend yelled at me, but then it hit me… You might be wondering what this has to do with a dating podcast episode. Well, because my off-brand desire relates directly to my dating life. No rushing, no settling, no second-guessing. I'll get into how my avoidance used to make me second-guess my choices, and how my relationship wants would get confused for attachment challenges. I'll talk about how to find your truth amidst your attachment patterns, and how both anxious and avoidant people get lost in the fantasy of what could be. Today's episode is about clearing the mist around what exactly needs healing and how to trust your intuition when dealing with inconsistencies from your partner (and I'll use two different situations as an example of that process). Let's do it.

Ready to break the pattern, apply to work with me: https://confidencechris.com/mentorship-application

Chapters:

0:00 Forced to Slow Down & Pickup Videos

9:51 My $15,000 Dream Cat

26:50 Staying Grounded When She Went Quiet

35:14 Living In A Fantasy

46:18 He Disappears For 20 Days

1:00:07 Fear Or Discernment?

This week we are getting into the contrast between anxious and avoidant patterns. I wrote something down that I feel describes the dynamic perfectly. I will discuss my own challenges with avoidance and how I am working towards healing it. I also recap a situation from last week's episode where a listener quickly backed off a relationship. I discuss how to lead with more curiosity and less defensiveness. This is not just about being the bigger person, but becoming so much more.

Ready to break the pattern, apply to work with me: https://confidencechris.com/mentorship-application

Chapters:

00:00 Curiosity vs. Assumption

20:08 High Standards or Just Avoidant

30:27 Avoidant vs Anxious Patterns

53:56 "You're Not Anxious, You're Just Dating a Loser"

My boy asked me .. how do you tell the difference between intensity and actual intimacy (especially in a push/pull dynamic where it's hard to tell the difference)? I share my thoughts on what I feel the difference is and how to identify it. But before I get into that, I play a voice note from a girl who is navigating a similar situation about a guy who communicated his lack of certainty to her, and how she feels guilty for ending it so quickly. I'll share an update about my life, on staying away from safe connections, and reflecting on the pattern of dating women who have mostly approached me (and why I think that might not be the way).

Ready to break the pattern, apply to work with me: https://confidencechris.com/mentorship-application

Chapters:

00:00 My New Approach to Dating

11:03 Voice Note: Dating the Right Person, Cut Him Off, Then Guilt Tripped

38:55 Intensity vs Actual Intimacy

I saw a video this week that said people who lack empathy are garbage, and it triggered me into a rabbit hole about narcissism. This will be confrontational and controversial, but really my goal is to give you an alternate perspective on how this is defined in our culture and the dynamics that are created by both partners. I get into why the person giving and giving is also being selfish, and how/why your resentment is an indicator. I walk through a listener situation where the guy starts to distance himself after he gets emotionally vulnerable. I'll give you my take on why this happens and how to let go when it does. Remember, empathy is not responsibility.

Ready to break the pattern, apply to work with me: https://confidencechris.com/mentorship-application

Chapters:

0:00 Narcissists vs Victims

34:07 When Empathy Goes Too Far

37:47 Handling Resentment

45:44 Angry When Someone Stops Choosing You

52:29 Listener's Situation: Distance After Getting Too Close

Isn’t it crazy how those shorter relationships can hit way harder than the longer ones? Today I reflect on this, and what would happen if that person ever came back. I then lean into how my views of compatibility vs. chemistry have shifted, while still battling guilt when I admit and enforce my high standards. I then get into whether I still deal with imposter syndrome, perfectionism, and procrastination. Yes, but no, and I’ll share how to overcome them. I then go in on whether or not you should admit your feelings to your FWB. Is the gateway to peace of mind really blowing shit up?

Ready to break the pattern, apply to work with me: https://confidencechris.com/mentorship-application

Chapters:

(00:00) Introduction
(04:11) Why Short Relationships Hit So Hard
(34:50) Imposter Syndrome and Self-Sabotage
(53:06) Confessing Your Feelings to Your FWB

If you have anxious attachment, this episode is going to be a gut punch, but a necessary one. The truth is, most people don't have a feeling problem, they have a thinking problem. I'll show you what you can't see about chasing and caring for someone who doesn't seem to show the same energy back. Let's get into it. This week I'm fresh off an emergency landing, and now I'm heading to Cancun for a wedding, but the stove is on hot. I answer two situations from my guys. The first one spent two years chasing a girl who barely gave effort. I'll deep dive his and her final response. I'll walk you through the white t-shirt exercise that shows what's really controlling your dating life. The second situation is about a guy who can't seem to shake the feeling he messed things up. Then a situation about waiting on a partner to step up financially, and why your body already has that answer. I'll teach you how to get out of your head, feel your truth, and own it.

Ready to break the pattern, apply to work with me: https://confidencechris.com/mentorship-application

So I broke my celibacy, and may have pulled my groin in the process. This somehow spun off into an analogy about how I got the ick from cigarettes and letting go of toxic relationships (aka emotional cigarettes), trust me it’s sensational. Then I get into the situation everyone obsesses over: is it insecure to want your partner to unfollow people on social media, or is your gut telling you something real? I break down the difference between soothing your fear through control and what trusting someone actually looks like. I close on whether the real work happens in a relationship or out of one. 

Ready to break the pattern, apply to work with me: https://confidencechris.com/mentorship-application

So this was a very unexpected week to say the least. I saw the most attractive girl I've seen in years, didn't shoot my shot, and came home feeling like shit. I'll talk about why and the importance of taking the risk. This then leads into a story about an unexpected new connection that caught me off guard. It's crazy how the smallest moments can shine a light on your internal fears and triggers. I'll share how deep my anxious avoidance still runs: the waiting, the phone checking, and how I soothe myself through it now instead of punishing myself for my fear. I'll also discuss how to navigate judgment from those closest to you, and then I close with a situation about why it's so hard to move on from a relationship that made you miserable.

Ready to break the pattern, apply to work with me: https://confidencechris.com/mentorship-application

This is going to be a Dear Diary episode. A podcast journal of how I am feeling at my core. I've been in a mini funk, but somehow it's also the most peace I've felt in my life in a long time. The duality of it all ... Really what's happening is that I'm emotionally celibate, and that's brought me an enormous amount of clarity, but also this weird blank page feeling. I get honest about feeling lonely (not the desperate kind), being uninspired even though I love my life, and being at the point where I'm established and ready to actually enjoy it with somebody. Then I shift gears to a situation about someone going slow with a girl who isn't offering what they really want, and we get into how easily people back off their truth because they want to be wanted, and how everybody's managing everybody else's expectations, and why most of us don't even see our own inauthenticity.

Ready to break the pattern, apply to work with me: https://confidencechris.com/mentorship-application

To be real, last week I hadn't been feeling my best. I care about showing up confident (and not looking weak), so I tend to mask those feelings. That's how our conversation starts. I get into detail about why I am the way I am. I'll walk you through how I grew up insecure and rebellious, all the way till now, and why I still deeply crave attention. I then shift gears to a situation sent in by a listener around if cheaters actually change. I will share her story of how she had been living a lie with this man and why many people are attracted to dishonesty. All of this ties back to our own internal beliefs and attachment patterns that shape who we are and how we show up in our lives and relationships today.

Ready to break the pattern, apply to work with me: https://confidencechris.com/mentorship-application