Conversations from the Heart

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a conversation, wondering how things got so heated? 

We've all been there, and this week, we're peeling back the layers of authentic communication to help you navigate those tricky talks. We discuss the importance of personal growth and its transformative impact on how one perceives and interacts with family members. Recognizing the emotional undercurrents and approaching them with empathy and assertiveness is vital for setting boundaries and fostering healthier relationships. 

We also tackle the challenge of timely and conscious communication. Addressing issues as they arise rather than letting them fester can break the cycle of venting and regret. 

This episode emphasizes the power of asking for what we want without attachment to outcomes, paving the way for mutual respect and understanding. Through this, we underline the potential for personal growth and the cultivation of meaningful interactions.

Show notes:
(0:50) How do I prep for a mediation when I am in the dark about the nature of the upset?
(11:56) How do I improve the family dynamics and communication with a sister who bosses me around?
(28:38) How can I respond when someone tells me what I “need to” do?
(35:50) What are other options for dealing with my dad, who's in assisted living?
(53:11) How do I manage my feelings and support a young family member who says we never have enough time together?
(56:02) Outro

Want more direct access to me? I warmly invite you to become a member of The School of Human Connection. 

Join regular live calls where students in the school bring real relationship dilemmas. We slow things down and I'll help you see what's actually happening and how to respond with more integrity, strength and care.

You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Join the School of Human Connection
• Hop on my free Wednesday live call
• Follow me on YouTube

How we impact others, matters.

In an interdependent world, our choices and actions ripple out into the lives of others - either making things better, or worse.  

Sometimes, we positively impact others through our vulnerability, our generosity, our humor - our essential and imperfect willingness to live from our shared humanity.

Other times, we fall short. Under stress or full up with our own buckets of pain, we can spill over in less kind, less connected, less vulnerable ways than we'd like.  Our unawareness, our defenses, our disconnectedness, our unavailability in those moments can act like a drain, sucking energy out of interactions, or like a hedgehog - creating prickles and bristles in the place of connectedness and softness.  

So what do we do when we've shown up in ways we now regret?  
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How can we restore connection, without losing our dignity?  

When we ground ourselves in the part of ourselves that listens without judgment and connects without shame or blame, then our messier moments can become springboards for more intimate and vulnerable connections with others that actually build more trust.  

By tuning into the impact we have on one another - intentional or not - and genuinely caring about one another's needs, we can find our ways into repair work that actually reconnects and helps us all learn and grown  

As you'll discover in this week's podcast, greeting ourselves with empathy and understanding is a necessary (but not sufficient) first step if we're wanting to engage in deeper repair work with others.  

Show notes:
(0:55) I haven't shown up professionally in the ways I've wanted to? How do I share that with colleagues?
(23:52) Someone emotionally exploded all over me and now I'm left holding the emotional baggage.  What do I do next?
(48:55) What has been meaningful today?  Input from call participants.
(54:56) Outro

Want more direct access to me? I warmly invite you to become a member of The School of Human Connection. 

Join regular live calls where students in the school bring real relationship dilemmas. We slow things down and I'll help you see what's actually happening and how to respond with more integrity, strength and care.

You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Join the School of Human Connection
• Hop on my free Wednesday live call
• Follow me on YouTube

Domination System Programming is very good at teaching us that our value lies in our ability to meet the needs of others.

To the extent that I make you feel good, I'm a pleasure to be around.

When I'm willing to override my own needs for rest or play and work instead, I am rewarded by being called "dedicated" or "motivated".

If I work hard at meeting your needs and put my needs last, I'm a "loving" and "giving" person.

It can be an absolute revelation when we realize we are not here to be used as a tool for others to meet their needs.  Instead, as we discuss on this week's podcast, we are here to be subjective, sovereign human beings who are learning how to be in interdependent relationship with one another.    

Show notes:
(1:33) Saying no feels scary but I don't want to be used.  What do I do?
(5:40)How do I reveal myself without upsetting someone else?
(12:30)An example of a soft way to say "No"
(19:15) The difference between calibrating language and surviving someone's negative judgments of us
(23:25)I want the connection to another, but I need to impose a boundary.  What should I say?
(26:26)Sometimes I lie to avoid others because it feels easier.  How can I up level that strategy?
(36:00)My Ex needs help.  Do I have to be the one to help him?
(42:15) How idealizing others can dehumanize them
(45:25) In Domination Cultures, the word "respect" is often code for "obedient"
(46:15) We are not here to be objects to be used by other people
(48:15) Tell me more about Domination  Cultures
(49:52) How can I navigate a strained situation with more lightness?
(59:12) Outro

Want more direct access to me? I warmly invite you to become a member of The School of Human Connection. 

Join regular live calls where students in the school bring real relationship dilemmas. We slow things down and I'll help you see what's actually happening and how to respond with more integrity, strength and care.

You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Join the School of Human Connection
• Hop on my free Wednesday live call
• Follow me on YouTube

The richest and deepest of romantic partnerships is the type where each person is committed to a shared vision of a life together--where each person brings the best of themselves to the other.

So what do we do when we're all in, but our partner isn't feeling it?  Or, if the tables are turned, how do we kindly disengage from an ex-partner who isn't ready to let us go?

Both sides of the intimate relational coin are up for discussion on today's podcast, in addition to a handy strategy for meeting our emotional needs during a break up.

Show notes:
(0:00) Intro
(2:45) My partner wants less commitment and I want more.  What do I do?
(12:00) I'd rather have the hope of working towards a future with you than no hope at all.
(23:50) A practical strategy for redirecting emotional needs during a breakup.
(30:30) How do positive, encouraging messages fit into NVC?
(36:24) NVC as an outward performance.
(37:40) My ex wants to re-engage but I don't.  How do I disconnect kindly?
(44:40) When you are finished, you get to be done.
(49:00)  Do my needs cause others pain?
(56:00)  The function of the words "I'm Sorry"
(58:30) Outro

Want more direct access to me? I warmly invite you to become a member of The School of Human Connection. 

Join regular live calls where students in the school bring real relationship dilemmas. We slow things down and I'll help you see what's actually happening and how to respond with more integrity, strength and care.

You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Join the School of Human Connection
• Hop on my free Wednesday live call
• Follow me on YouTube

This week's episode had several questions regarding offering Nonviolent Communication to others.  

It can be very hurtful when we believe we have a method of communication that might help strengthen our connection with others, but our loved ones aren't interested in hearing what we have to say.

A suggestion?  One of the best ways to inspire others to learn NVC is to live it.

Show notes:
[0:00] Intro
[3:40] How can I share NVC?
[8:32] What is the best way to inspire others to learn NVC?
[16:20] The importance of focusing on the process, not the content
[18:22] I want to be seen and known as competent.  What can I do?
[27:30] How to respond to a demand
[35:30] We stay connected to others as far as we can stay connected to ourselves
[42:00] How can I integrate childhood messages that no longer serve me?
[46:00] Addressing the heart of religious trauma
[48:00] How can I skillfully ask for a reflection?
[50:26] Outro

Want more direct access to me? I warmly invite you to become a member of The School of Human Connection. 

Join regular live calls where students in the school bring real relationship dilemmas. We slow things down and I'll help you see what's actually happening and how to respond with more integrity, strength and care.

You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Join the School of Human Connection
• Hop on my free Wednesday live call
• Follow me on YouTube

It's no surprise that the increase of violence in the Middle East has me contemplating the use of force.  Are we ever truly justified in using violence?

In fact, we are.  When the protective use of force is engaged as a life affirming tool used in order to increase safety and security for all, then everyone benefits.  

Do you find yourself looking for practical, on the ground ways that you can reduce your reliance on the punitive use of force and up level your skills regarding the protective use of force?   Then look no further--this 20 minute solo episode provides some clarity as to the difference between the two uses of force, and three strategies you can try today to shift your consciousness from using force as a punitive tool of punishment to a protective tool of safety.

Show notes:
[0:00] Intro
[2:45] The first line of defense in conflict management
[4:25] When is the use of force necessary?
[5:58] The intention behind the protective use of force
[6:30] The intention behind the punitive use of force
[8:08] The quickest way to reduce all violence
[10:40] The cost of submission
[12:45] What gets in the way of embracing creative, nonviolent solutions?
[16:46] The benefits of the protective use of force
[18:00] The importance of dropping enemy images
[20:34] How can I up level nonviolence in my own life?
[21:37] Outro

Want more direct access to me? I warmly invite you to become a member of The School of Human Connection. 

Join regular live calls where students in the school bring real relationship dilemmas. We slow things down and I'll help you see what's actually happening and how to respond with more integrity, strength and care.

You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Join the School of Human Connection
• Hop on my free Wednesday live call
• Follow me on YouTube

If you've been wondering what lies in the middle between judgment and observation, then this week's episode of the podcast is for you.  

When focusing on making impartial observations instead of value laden judgments, we can sometimes forget about the wisdom that comes with discernment.  

Discernment--the ability "to separate", is an essential, executive function.  A synonym for discernment is understanding.  You not only see what is in front of you, but also understand.  It is possible to discern the nature of a thing without judgment or evaluation.

The theme of discernment is at the heart of one of the questions in this week's call.  I hope you enjoy the discussion!

Show notes:
[1:45] What's the difference between a discernment and a judgment? 
[5:50] How can I navigate a relationship with a difficult superior?
[13:30] But if I love others hard enough won't this make them healthy?
[16:01] The difference between a boundary and a request
[20:15] I don't appreciate being called "lady"
[25:20] How do I unravel my own colonial tendencies?
[31:00] The polarity of precise language and the spirit behind it
[38:00] So how do I respond to others' colonial beliefs?
[40:04] How can I bring up my needs to a new friend without seeming needy?
[52:03] Outro

Want more direct access to me? I warmly invite you to become a member of The School of Human Connection. 

Join regular live calls where students in the school bring real relationship dilemmas. We slow things down and I'll help you see what's actually happening and how to respond with more integrity, strength and care.

You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Join the School of Human Connection
• Hop on my free Wednesday live call
• Follow me on YouTube

Have you ever wrestled with the fear and discomfort that emerges when you want to shift your relationship dynamics? Are you grappling with codependency or struggling to express your emotions authentically with your parents? In today's conversation, we explore a daughter's heartfelt journey of wanting to honor her parents while navigating the challenges of building deeper connections. We talk about the courage it takes to invite our loved ones into new experiences and the vulnerability that comes with it. Our discussion extends to the wisdom of releasing demanding energies in our interactions, emphasizing the importance of authenticity and the freedom of letting go of specific outcomes. The latter part of our conversation is about parenting dynamics, as we observe an 8-year-old learning codependent behaviors from a mom aiming to break free from people-pleasing cycles. Together, we explore the art of expressing ourselves honestly, asking for what we need, and embracing detachment from external outcomes.

Show notes:
[1:08] Why is it so difficult to show up differently in my relationship with my parents?

[4:55] Why am I so uncomfortable when my mom says "I love you"?

[11:15] Using hindsight and foresight to heal in the present

[14:30] I'm worried this "fancy language" will alienate instead of connect us

[19:40] Where does our courage come from?

[22:15] How do I respond with empathy without sounding formulaic?

[25:16] How you react to me tells me about you AND me

[30:05] How do I prevent passing my codependency down to my child?

[36:00] How can I work on myself?

[39:00] Is it ok to ask others to show up differently?

[46:44] Outro

Want more direct access to me? I warmly invite you to become a member of The School of Human Connection. 

Join regular live calls where students in the school bring real relationship dilemmas. We slow things down and I'll help you see what's actually happening and how to respond with more integrity, strength and care.

You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Join the School of Human Connection
• Hop on my free Wednesday live call
• Follow me on YouTube

Navigating the complexities of relationships and communication can feel like a tightrope walk - balancing empathy with personal boundaries, all while staying true to ourselves. In this episode, we'll confront the fear of being seen as mean when declining unhealthy conversations and reveal the roots of codependency that stem from such situations. The conversation will go into untouched territories of self-shame and inner rejection. With compassion and understanding, we'll help you navigate tricky conversations and teach you how to support others without taking on their emotional baggage. We'll introduce you to pendulation and its crucial role in maintaining a healthy balance between self-protection and connection to our nervous system. Finally, with a strong focus on authenticity and self-respect, we'll explore the path to self-growth and the power of taking small steps to catalyze change. 

Show notes:
[2:23] How do you get to your heart when someone's asking for empathy and you just don't feel it? 
[4:47] What might be blocking empathy?
[6:21] How to help a sister in changing her sister's behavior and regulating their nervous system
[17:59] How to stop co-regulating
[21:54] How to the muscle of boundaries and self-regulation
[23:40] How to build a new relationship with our inner child
[28:50] How can my limitations not be harmful to other people?
[33:56] What does it mean to have conversations from the heart?
[38:33]  Needing to feel safe and connect with others without losing ourselves
[42:21] What are some strategies to shift from critical, negative, self-shaming thoughts into self-compassionate words that land? 
[44:26] How to translate judgment into compassion
[49:28] At what point is self-protection holding us back?
[51:44] Outro

Want more direct access to me? I warmly invite you to become a member of The School of Human Connection. 

Join regular live calls where students in the school bring real relationship dilemmas. We slow things down and I'll help you see what's actually happening and how to respond with more integrity, strength and care.

You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Join the School of Human Connection
• Hop on my free Wednesday live call
• Follow me on YouTube

In this episode, we explore emotional balance, fear, and self-blame and practical strategies that help to create a safer emotional space, neutralize self-judgment, and promote healthier attachments. Want to regain balance when your body is a fear state? Listen in!   We cover the importance of creating an open, non-judgmental spaces for children to express their feelings freely, and how empathetic listening transforms relational dynamics. We talk about how to help children bring their felt experiences into consciousness and learn to neutralize judgment. We also touch on the importance of expressing our needs without coming off as instructive. We explore balancing self-reliance and allowing for nurturance, revealing vulnerability without teaching someone how to love us, and managing expectations of predictability.

Show notes:
[1:01] How to regulate your nervous system to  find safety when triggered
[7:02] What is nervous system re-regulation?
[9:32] Why should you not empathize with fear states?
[13:01] How to reframe fault and blame in a divorce situation?
[16:49] Role-playing to learn how to explore conflicting feelings about the divorce
[25:32] How to handle self-blame in the divorce situation
[28:44] What is radical acceptance and self-improvement, and what does it mean to keep them in balance?
[30:13] What resources discuss blame and judgment being developmentally appropriate for children?
[37:25] How do you break the unhealthy attachment to comfort in chaos?
[43:28] How do you receive nurturing support from your community?
[46:30] Finding solace in shared experiences and empathic connection
[50:39] How do you teach someone how to be with you?
[56:26] Outro

Want more direct access to me? I warmly invite you to become a member of The School of Human Connection. 

Join regular live calls where students in the school bring real relationship dilemmas. We slow things down and I'll help you see what's actually happening and how to respond with more integrity, strength and care.

You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Join the School of Human Connection
• Hop on my free Wednesday live call
• Follow me on YouTube