Divorce Happens

"Does it matter that I've been doing everything? Or am I going to sound like I'm just complaining?"

That's the question at the heart of this week's Hey Olivia letter, and I know so many of you are going to feel it in your chest. It comes from a listener who works full-time and is also the one who cooks every meal, manages the school schedule, handles the doctor's appointments, does the laundry, helps with homework, and gets up at 2am when someone's sick. Now they're getting divorced, about to sit across from their divorce lawyer, and they don't know how to explain any of it. It's a specific kind of exhausted that doesn't always get named out loud.

So I named it. The first thing I ask in this episode is that you drop the word "complaining" entirely before you walk into that meeting. What you're describing is the actual, factual shape of your household: who does what, day to day, for your kids. Your lawyer isn't there to referee who worked harder over the years. They're there to understand your family's real structure so they can represent it accurately. I talk about why this matters practically and not just emotionally, since custody and parenting time decisions are often based heavily on who has actually been doing the parenting. Being the default parent isn't a feeling you're having. It's a pattern, and patterns are exactly what a divorce attorney needs to hear about.

Then we get into the how. "I do everything" is true, but it's hard for anyone to act on something that vague, so I walk you through getting specific: who takes the kids to the pediatrician, who's the emergency contact at school, who handles bedtime on weeknights. I share a simple week-by-week breakdown you can write down before your first meeting with a family law attorney, what it tells you if your lawyer brushes past it, and how to hold the frustration of an imbalanced marriage alongside the practical question of what your lawyer needs to know right now. You get to describe your family exactly as it is, without shrinking it down first. And you don't have to figure out how to say it perfectly on your own.

🔗 Check out Fresh Starts Registry:

The first & only divorce registry + support platform ➡ https://www.freshstartsregistry.com/

📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/freshstartsregistry/

📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FreshStartsRegistry

🎙 Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/divorcehappenspod/

📬 Magazine: https://divorceguidemagazine.com/

💛 The Divorce Happens Community: https://divorcehappens.substack.com/

"I can't lose any more of her. What do we do, and who decides?"

This week's Hey Olivia letter is a really tender one, and I read it slowly. It comes from a parent whose daughter was stillborn at nine months. She was perfect, and they still don't know what happened. Now the marriage is ending, and her nursery is exactly how they left it: the tiny clothes folded in the drawers, the blanket from the hospital, a door that most days can't be opened. One parent wants to keep everything as it is. The other wants to start clearing it out. This episode is for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and for anyone grieving a baby while a family is changing shape.

I started with the most important thing: nothing has to happen today. Not this week, not this month. There's no deadline on grief. I talk about why this is so much more than stuff, because those things are proof that your daughter was here and that you are her parents. And I say something gently about the two of you. It can feel like you're on opposite sides, but I don't think you are. You're two people who love the same little girl, each getting through that love in the way you know how. Keeping the room and moving through it are both love.

So who decides? You do. Together. I share words you can say out loud so that nothing disappears when someone isn't looking, and the whole gentle middle between keeping everything and clearing it all out: photos of every corner first, then tiny steps, and a memory box for each of you. I talk about the grief of not having an answer, when a therapist, a divorce coach, a mediator, or your attorneys can help, and how to be gentle with the day one of you moves out. Whatever you keep, and whatever you let go of, your daughter is still your daughter. Always.

🔗 Check out Fresh Starts Registry:

The first & only divorce registry + support platform ➡ https://www.freshstartsregistry.com/

📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/freshstartsregistry/

📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FreshStartsRegistry

🎙 Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/divorcehappenspod/

📬 Magazine: https://divorceguidemagazine.com/

💛 The Divorce Happens Community: https://divorcehappens.substack.com/

Your divorce decree is signed, and you assume the money part is done. Then the loose threads start showing up: the beneficiary you never changed, the deed still in both names, the retirement account that was awarded to you on paper but never actually divided. In this episode of Divorce Happens, Kristina Heckel, CDFA®, CFEI®, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, Fresh Starts expert, and the principal and founder of Bloom Divorce Advisory Services in Arizona, shares five practical tips for getting your finances organized whether you're considering divorce, in the middle of it, or rebuilding on the other side.

Kristina starts with a habit anyone can begin this week: take yourself on a money date. Pick a coffee shop, bring your statements or open a budgeting app, and spend undisturbed time learning what's coming in, what's going out, and which forgotten subscriptions are quietly draining your account. Next comes "grace with a plan," her answer to decision fatigue: take a breath, sort what truly needs your attention now from what can wait, and put deadlines somewhere you'll see them. Her third tip is to build your paper trail before anyone asks for it. Knowing what you own, what you owe, and where your money moves can save real money in attorney hours, and she walks through the kinds of documents and free reports worth gathering.

Then Kristina gets into the details that cost people later. "Not every dollar is the same": depending on your income and goals, cash, after-tax dollars, and retirement dollars can carry very different value, and dividing a 401(k) requires its own domestic relations order that many people forget about. And finally, "the paperwork after the paperwork," the beneficiary changes, deed transfers, utilities, retitling, and refinancing deadlines that don't take care of themselves once the decree is final. "Personal finance is personal," she says, and the right plan is the one built around what you actually need.

Connect with Kristina Heckel and Bloom Divorce Advisory Services:

🌐 Bloom Divorce Advisory Services (including the Vault Kit and the Bloom Forward community): https://www.bloomdas.com

📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bloomdivorceadvisory/

💼 LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kristina-heckel/

💙 Fresh Starts expert profile: https://freshstartsregistry.com/resourceguide/bloom-divorce-advisory-services

🔗 Check out Fresh Starts Registry:

The first & only divorce registry + support platform ➡ https://www.freshstartsregistry.com/

📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/freshstartsregistry/

📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FreshStartsRegistry

🎙 Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/divorcehappenspod/

📬 Magazine: https://divorceguidemagazine.com/

💛 The Divorce Happens Community: https://divorcehappens.substack.com/

Monique Alexander has never believed we can exist in this world without community. Not the most famous people, not the most successful, and not anyone going through a divorce. "No one is meant to go through that or any type of life transition alone," she says. In this episode of Divorce Happens, Olivia Howell sits down with Monique, a longtime friend, Fresh Starts expert, mom, educator, and founder of Monique Speaks, to talk about the part of divorce that so many of us try to carry by ourselves: asking for help, and letting it in.

Monique says the first step isn't reaching out to others. It's being honest with yourself about what divorce means for you, and recognizing that it is a state of grief. For some it's a heavy weight, for others there's relief, but everyone navigates some level of it. From there, she talks about the moment someone in her church small group asked why she wasn't letting them help carry the burden, and how needing support continually, not just once, "strips it in a whole different way." Having lived in four different states and rebuilt community each time, often far from family, she shares what it felt like when people she'd known only a few years showed up for her and her kids in ways she didn't know she needed, down to a homemade loaf of bread at a basketball game.

Then the conversation gets practical. Monique's keyword is intentionality: "Things don't just happen, right? You have to be intentional if you want certain results." She shares the four places she starts every time she builds community, why a walk or a meal or an invitation into your home matters, and why paying for community, from a coach to a gym to your kids' activities, still counts. And she offers a framework you'll want to hold onto: you can just get through divorce, alone with a compass in the dark woods, or you can go through it, surrounded by people, on the way to healing. "The core of it," she says, "is allowing others to bear your burden with you."

Connect with Monique Alexander of Monique Speaks:

🌐 Monique Speaks: https://www.moniquespeaks.org

📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/moniquespeaks_org/

💙 Fresh Starts expert profile: https://www.freshstartsregistry.com/resourceguide/monique-speaks

🔗 Check out Fresh Starts Registry:

The first & only divorce registry + support platform ➡ https://www.freshstartsregistry.com/

📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/freshstartsregistry/

📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FreshStartsRegistry

🎙 Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/divorcehappenspod/

📬 Magazine: https://divorceguidemagazine.com/

💛 The Divorce Happens Community: https://divorcehappens.substack.com/

After more than 20 years as a divorce attorney, Amanda Mason calls herself a "recovering divorce attorney." She spent those years watching families get "absolutely tortured by the traditional processes," whether in a courtroom or in one attorney negotiating against another. Then she went through her own divorce trial over child custody. In this episode of Divorce Happens, Olivia Howell sits down with Amanda, a Fresh Starts expert and the founder of Solagree, to talk about what she built after asking a simple question: what can we do better?

Amanda's answer starts with a promise. Every alternative to court has good ideas, she says, but none of them closed the loop. With Solagree, a couple agrees from the very beginning that if they can't resolve something, they won't go to court. They'll go to private family law arbitration instead. From there, the process has three phases. First comes intake, education, and empowerment, the part Amanda says couples lack more than anything: time to understand their circumstances, exchange information, and learn that there are paths forward and they're going to be okay. Then comes mediation with experienced attorney mediators. Finally, a neutral attorney arbitrator turns the couple's agreements into a binding document and serves as a safety net for anything still unresolved. "You've designed your own outcome," Amanda says. "That's the goal."

Olivia and Amanda talk about why a virtual process matters, from being in your own safe space to not having to figure out where to park, what to wear, and who's watching the kids. Amanda explains how Solagree builds state-based panels of professionals, how you can start learning even before you've talked to your spouse, why you don't have to be fully amicable to use it, and why privacy and cost predictability can't be overstated. Her words for anyone considering divorce are simple: "the first step is the hardest. And then it gets better from there." You're going to be okay, and you're going to be supported.

Connect with Amanda Mason and Solagree:

🌐 Solagree: https://www.solagree.com/

📝 Take the Solagree quiz: https://www.solagree.com/quiz

📅 Book a Solagree consult: https://www.solagree.com/book-a-solagree-consult

📱 Solagree on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/solagree_divorce/

📱 Amanda on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/amandamasonatty/

💙 Fresh Starts expert profile: https://freshstartsregistry.com/resourceguide/solagree

🔗 Check out Fresh Starts Registry:

The first & only divorce registry + support platform ➡ https://www.freshstartsregistry.com/

📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/freshstartsregistry/

📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FreshStartsRegistry

🎙 Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/divorcehappenspod/

📬 Magazine: https://divorceguidemagazine.com/

💛 The Divorce Happens Community: https://divorcehappens.substack.com/

One parent wants to keep the Social Security cards at their house. The other says no. And suddenly a question that will matter a handful of times in a child's life is a legal fight. That, says family law attorney Christina White, is what a high conflict divorce looks like from the inside: "they make mountains out of molehills for every problem." In this episode of Divorce Happens, Olivia Howell sits down with Christina, a Fresh Starts expert who owns and operates Christina White Legal in the western suburbs of Chicago, to talk about a term we're all using a lot more and what it really means.

There's no legal definition of a high conflict divorce, Christina explains, but after more than 10 years in family law she knows it when she sees it. Both people need lawyers. Then a mediator. Then a guardian ad litem. Then trial dates. It can go on for months and months and cost tens of thousands of dollars. She shares where she thinks it comes from, a shift in the dynamic when one person finally pushes back against years of control, and she's clear that no one who was in a coercively controlling relationship should back down. They should know it's going to be an uphill battle.

Then Christina tells her own story. When she went through her own divorce, with two little kids and a full-time law practice, she made a decision that surprises people: "You can lower your expectations." She wanted the kids most of the time and she wanted the house they had just built. She let go of both, and she was divorced in six weeks. What she kept was everything she could control: her attitude, the time she has with her kids, the school they attend, holiday travel, and a home without grown-ups screaming at each other. For anyone in a high conflict divorce right now, she leaves two practical pieces of advice, "organize your mind and organize your paperwork," and one piece of perspective: "Life is short. An unhappy marriage is long and a high conflict divorce is way too long."

Connect with Christina White:

🌐 Christina White Legal: https://www.christinawhitelegal.com

📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/christinawhitelegal

💙 Fresh Starts expert profile: https://www.freshstartsregistry.com/resourceguide/christina-white-legal-llc

🔗 Check out Fresh Starts Registry:

The first & only divorce registry + support platform ➡ https://www.freshstartsregistry.com/

📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/freshstartsregistry/

📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FreshStartsRegistry

🎙 Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/divorcehappenspod/

The papers are signed. The ink is dry. And somehow you still don't feel better. Olivia Howell remembers that moment exactly: standing in her marital house, thinking she had made it through the hardest part, and then realizing she had to live the rest of her life as a divorced person and had no idea what that looked like. In this episode of Divorce Happens, she sits down with Leah Marie Mazur, a divorce recovery coach, founder of Mindfully Ready, and Fresh Starts expert who has been through three divorces herself and has spent the last six and a half years coaching hundreds of women through theirs.

Leah explains what divorce recovery actually is and why it's different from the support you had during the legal process. Your attorney, your mediator, and your financial professionals get you through the divorce itself. Then, as Leah puts it, "the ink dries, and it's like, well, now what?" The guilt, the shame, the feelings of failure, and a nervous system that has been in survival mode for months don't end with a signature. The women who come to Leah say the same three things: I want peace, I want my confidence back, and I want to know who I am again. Her answer starts in a place most people don't expect. You can't wait for your ex to change before you feel calm, because "you always have the power to find peace within yourself."

From there, the conversation gets practical. Leah shares how to regulate your nervous system in small pockets of the day, why "the power is in the pause" when a co-parenting message lands, and how one minute of doing nothing can bring you back to yourself. She and Olivia talk about people-pleasing, letting go of what you can't control, and how the tools you learn in divorce recovery become tools your kids carry for life. If you just signed your divorce papers and don't know who you are anymore, Leah's advice is the heart of this episode: you don't have to figure out your whole life right now. You just have to take that one next step.

Connect with Leah Marie Mazur:

🌐 Website and free resources: https://www.mindfullyready.com/

🎥 Free training: https://www.mindfullyready.com/mr-free-traning

👥 Free private Facebook support group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorcedandempowered

📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mindfullyready/

🎵 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@mindfullyready

💙 Fresh Starts expert profile: https://freshstartsregistry.com/resourceguide/mindfully-ready

🔗 Check out Fresh Starts Registry:

The first & only divorce registry + support platform ➡ https://www.freshstartsregistry.com/

📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/freshstartsregistry/

📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FreshStartsRegistry

🎙 Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/divorcehappenspod/

📬 Magazine: https://divorceguidemagazine.com/

💛 The Divorce Happens Community: https://divorcehappens.substack.com/

"I'm not strong enough to be a single mom." That was the story Olivia Howell told herself when her marriage was ending, and it felt like a fact. Most people going through divorce carry a version of it: I can't handle the finances. I'm going to ruin my kids. I'm less of a parent if I only see them half the time. In this episode of Divorce Happens, Olivia asks what happens when we stop treating those thoughts as the truth and start treating them as what they are: stories.

Her guest is Fresh Starts Expert Lyerly Spongberg, a certified ADR divorce coach, pre-mediation coach, and co-parenting specialist who has seen divorce from every side. Lyerly went through her own high-conflict divorce in her 30s and has since been remarried for nearly 20 years, with a blended family of six children. She remembers believing she was not strong enough to get through it, and believing that every battle and every angry message needed her full attention. What changed things was a pause, and a smaller question: "okay, what can I handle today?" Strength, she learned, was not fighting everything. It was knowing when to fight and when to drop the rope.

From there, Lyerly shares the practical framework she uses with clients to challenge limiting beliefs during divorce. Listen for the absolute words (never, always, can't). Notice when you are mind reading or predicting the worst. Then ask: what do I actually know is true, what am I guessing, and whose voice is this? Her favorite test is a simple one: "is it a roadblock or is it a doorway?" As she says, this is not about forced positivity. "It's strategy." Listeners will come away with a new way to think about co-parenting and shared custody (you are still 100% of a parent), a reminder to put their energy into what they can control, and one line worth keeping close: this is a really difficult chapter, and it doesn't define the whole book.

Learn more about Lyerly Spongberg: https://www.freshstartsregistry.com/resourceguide/step-up-with-lyerly

🔗 Check out Fresh Starts Registry:

The first & only divorce registry + support platform ➡ https://www.freshstartsregistry.com/

📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/freshstartsregistry/

📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FreshStartsRegistry

🎙 Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/divorcehappenspod/

📬 Magazine: https://divorceguidemagazine.com/

💛 The Divorce Happens Community: https://divorcehappens.substack.com/

There is a particular kind of grief that comes from sitting in a school auditorium, watching your child on stage, and realizing you are not really there. Your body is in the seat, but your mind is in the lawyer's office, in the bank account, in the question of what happens next. In this episode of Divorce Happens, host Olivia Howell opens up about the early days of her own divorce, when anger made her feel robbed of time with her kids, and asks the question so many people going through divorce are afraid to say out loud: is it okay to feel joy while everything is falling apart?

To answer it, Olivia sits down with Fresh Starts Expert Lisa Lisser, a certified divorce coach and founder of LZL Coaching whose path runs from attorney to nonprofit leader to Jewish educator and spiritual counselor. Lisa brings all of it to this conversation, drawing on the holiday of Sukkot, when families build a temporary, fragile shelter with a roof open enough to see the stars, and are told to feel joy inside it. For Lisa, that is the emotional work of divorce in a single image: you are living in a temporary structure that feels like it will never end, and you are still allowed to eat, to learn, to invite people in, and to look up. As she puts it, "You can't command joy, but I could set myself up so that at least I have the opportunity to feel joy."

What follows is a gentle, practical conversation about finding joy during divorce without pretending the hard parts are gone. Lisa walks through how to be present for your kids for one 45-minute recorder concert, why rumination disconnects you from yourself, and how releasing guilt opens the door to small moments of light, whether that is a granddaughter's smile or a rerun of a show you forgot you loved. Listeners will leave with two mindset shifts for divorce recovery and co-parenting: you do not have to wait until the divorce is over to feel good again, and you do not have to go through this fragile season alone. If you have been telling yourself you are not ready for joy, this episode offers both permission and a place to start.

Learn more about Lisa Lisser: https://www.freshstartsregistry.com/resourceguide/lzl-coaching

🔗 Check out Fresh Starts Registry:

The first & only divorce registry + support platform ➡ https://www.freshstartsregistry.com/

📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/freshstartsregistry/

📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FreshStartsRegistry

🎙 Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/divorcehappenspod/

📬 Magazine: https://divorceguidemagazine.com/

💛 The Divorce Happens Community: https://divorcehappens.substack.com/

This week's letter is a tender one. A listener wrote in after a pregnancy loss, holding the rainbow baby they prayed for and quietly planning to end their marriage. Everyone around them says how lucky they are. And they are grateful. They're also grieving the baby they lost and the marriage they're leaving, and feeling guilty about all of it. Their question was simple and enormous: "I don't know how to hold the joy and the grief at the same time. How do I hold both?"

Since October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, it felt like the right time to answer it.

In this Hey Olivia episode of Divorce Happens, I start with what I most want anyone in this spot to hear: you don't have to pick one feeling to be the real one right now. Grateful and heartbroken can live in the same body on the same day. A rainbow baby doesn't erase a pregnancy loss, and the loss doesn't take anything away from the joy. We talk about why everything feels so loud with a newborn (the exhaustion, a body that's still healing, and a huge decision sitting in the middle of it all), why the guilt of being sad during "the happiest chapter" is a script you're allowed to set down, and why it's okay to grieve the marriage itself. Loss can pull two people closer or quietly pull them apart, and sometimes it does both along the way.

You'll leave with a few small, practical things to hold onto: a way to give the baby you lost a place that's just yours, one kind sentence for the "but you finally got your baby" comments, and a two-list exercise for the days when gratitude and grief show up together. I also talk about the support that can carry this with you, from a therapist who understands pregnancy loss and perinatal grief to a divorce coach who can take on the logistics. If you're navigating divorce after pregnancy loss, divorce with a newborn, or any season where joy and grief are sharing the same room, this one is for you. Nothing is wrong with you. Both belong.

🔗 Check out Fresh Starts Registry:

The first & only divorce registry + support platform ➡ https://www.freshstartsregistry.com/

📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/freshstartsregistry/

📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FreshStartsRegistry

🎙 Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/divorcehappenspod/

📬 Magazine: https://divorceguidemagazine.com/

💛 The Divorce Happens Community: https://divorcehappens.substack.com/