Victims and survivors of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse minimize their experience through comparison, which prevents you from fully healing.

If you have ever thought “I should just stop complaining or stay quiet,” because someone else’s situation seems so much worse than yours then you need to listen to this episode.  

Or maybe you are constantly thinking, “Why can’t I just get over this?  It wasn’t that big of a deal.” 

Comparing your relationship and abuse to other victims and survivors can completely stunt your healing and growth.

“There is no hierarchy of suffering . . . being a survivor, being a ‘thriver’ requires absolute acceptance of what was and what is. If we discount our pain, or punish ourselves for feeling lost or isolated or scared about the challenges in our lives, however insignificant these challenges may seem to someone else, then we’re still choosing to be victims” (pg 8). Dr. Edith Eger

Some of the ways that I hear survivors comparing themselves to others are:

I didn’t escape, I was discarded.

I was never physically abused/sexually abused.

I don’t have children.

I was able to get a protection order or I wasn’t able to get a protection order.

I haven’t lost my children in family court and other protective parents have.

I am employed and have an education.

I have a supportive family while others do not.

Trauma is relative to you, your situation, your past, you as an individual.

Often we are using comparison to minimize our pain and betrayal.  It can be so daunting and scary to really look at what has happened to us and so when we compare ourselves to someone who has it worse, it is a way to lighten the damage.  But this is doing us a huge disservice.  It is increasing or creating the cognitive dissonance that keeps us stuck and confused.  We need to own how much harm that has been done and is still happening.  By our ex partners, by the system…

“This is the work of healing. You deny what hurts, what you fear. You avoid it at all costs. Then you find a way to welcome and embrace what you’re most afraid of. And then you can finally let it go” (pg 209). Dr. Edith Eger

So, what can we do?

• Name it.  Name how you have been betrayed and the trauma you have experienced.
• Name when you are minimizing and comparing yourself to someone else.

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