One of the best weapons of a narcissistic partner is to shame you into believing you are a horrible parent.

Abusers use many tactics while in a relationship with their victim in order to illicit shame including gaslighting, constant criticism, counter parenting, questioning every decision made, and getting you to doubt your abilities to take care of your children.

These tactics cause significant harm in how you identify yourself as a parent and then how you parent your children.  

The constant hypervigilance and anxiety you experience while living with your abusive partner causes you to parent in ways that are not authentic to you as well.

And then even once you have left, the constant criticism continues post separation and you are also feeling judged by the larger system of how you parent.

So, how can you start to redefine your sense of self as a safe, confident, and protective parent?

First, it is important to look at the dynamics you experienced in your family of origin.  Explore any patterns of shame, criticism, or unhealthy dynamics in your upbringing.

Second, define who you want to be and what you want your relationship with your children to look like as a parent.  This clarity can create a plan for action.

Next, it is important to become aware of your current strengths as a parent.  If this is difficult for you to identify your strengths, find small positive parenting moments to acknowledge.  And as you accrue more of these smaller moments, they will lead to more confidence that you are a good parent.

Then separate your abusers narrative from who you know you are as a parent.

If this feels impossible or you need more support, reach out to a therapist, parenting coach, or support group.  Your strengths can be mirrored back to you in these settings which will improve your sense of self and help you redefine your identity as a parent.

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