Hosted by Dr. Sarah Hensley, Specialized Social Psychologist, Attachment Theory Expert, and Founder & CEO of The Dating Decoder with Co-host Raina Butcher, Owner/CEO of Joyful Consulting, LLC. 

Welcome to "The Love Doc Podcast" where Host Dr. Sarah Hensley and her co-host Raina Butcher dive deep into the intricacies of love, attraction, attachment, relationships, and self-awareness. Dr. Hensley brings a wealth of knowledge and experience to help listeners navigate the complexities of modern romance. In each episode, Dr. Hensley tackles burning questions about love, relationships, and the mind’s complexities, drawing from her psychological research, real-life experiences, and her own individual expertise, to provide insightful perspectives and practical advice.

In Episode 43 of “The Love Doc” podcast, titled “If They Don’t Want to Be Kept, Don’t Keep ’Em,” Dr. Hensley delves into the common question she receives from clients: “How do I get my partner to [fill in the blank]?” She emphasizes that attempting to change a partner is futile and that true emotional security comes from recognizing that the only person one can change is oneself.

Key Discussion Points:

1. Losing Oneself in the Effort to Change a Partner:
She warns against the dangers of contorting oneself to induce change in a partner, often leading to a loss of personal identity and autonomy. This behavior can result in emotional exhaustion and dissatisfaction.
2. The Fallacy of Loving Someone Enough to Change Them:
Dr. Hensley addresses the misconception that one can love someone into changing. She asserts that change must come from within an individual who is ready and willing; external pressure is ineffective and can be detrimental.
3. Coercion vs. Genuine Expression of Love:
Attempting to force or manipulate a partner into meeting one’s needs is not a true expression of love. Authentic love respects autonomy and encourages voluntary, mutual effort in the relationship.
4. Recognizing When a Partner Is Not Capable of Commitment:
Dr. Hensley emphasizes the importance of acknowledging when a partner consistently demonstrates an inability or unwillingness to commit. Persisting in such situations leads to frustration and hinders personal growth.

Subconscious Manipulation and Emotional Exhaustion:

The episode delves into the subconscious manipulation involved in trying to retain a partner who is unwilling or unable to meet one’s needs. This dynamic leads to emotional exhaustion and disrupts the nervous system, fostering dysfunction and instability in the relationship.

Attachment Styles and the Push-Pull Dynamic:

Dr. Hensley explores attachment styles, particularly the fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant pairings, where push-pull dynamics are prevalent:
• Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Characterized by a desire for intimacy coupled with a fear of getting hurt, leading to ambivalence and mistrust in relationships.
• Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: Marked by a preference for independence and discomfort with closeness, resulting in emotional distance and a tendency to withdraw from partners.

When individuals with these attachment styles pair together, a cyclical pattern of pursuing and distancing ensues, creating instability and dissatisfaction.

Advice for Breaking the Cycle:

Towards the end of the episode, Dr. Hensley offers guidance for those trapped in unfulfilling dynamics:
• Toxic Hope: Recognize and release the unrealistic expectation that a partner will change, which perpetuates unhealthy attachment and prolongs suffering.
• Radical Acceptance: Embrace the reality of the situation without resistance, acknowledging that one cannot control or change another’s behavior.

These concepts and more are elaborated upon in her new breakup course (now live and ready for purchse), designed to help individuals cultivate inner safety and trust in their decision-making, empowering them to leave relationships that do not serve their well-being.

Visit Dr. Hensley's website at thelovedoc.com (now active) 

Tune in to "The Love Doc Podcast" every Tuesday morning for candid conversations, expert guidance, and a deeper understanding of love and relationships in the modern world. To see all of Dr. Hensley’s services please visit the links below and follow her on social media. 

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