On today's episode of The Empowered Relationship Podcast, Dr. Ian Kerner and I discuss what a ‘sex script’ is and why it can help couples achieve intimacy by rewriting our sex script. He shares his insights into why these sex scripts are not only based on physical behaviors and describes how he helps couples understand that psychological arousal begins with our minds.

We dive into the details of why Dr. Kerner has been a longtime advocate for a new paradigm of sexual pleasure for heterosexual couples, focused around clitoral stimulation rather than the previous procreative model of sex. Dr. Kerner explores why the core of the orgasm gap between men and women is down to the differences in how men and women experience the plateau phase in the process of sexual response. We also discuss how getting into a state of ‘neutral entrainment,’ when you’re relaxed and in the moment and feeling the erotic heat being generated, helps foster a sensual connection. 

Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT, is the co-leader of the sex therapy program at the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy and contributes regularly on the topic of sex for CNN. He is the New York Times best-selling author of She Comes First (Harper Collins), which has been translated into more than a dozen languages, and he maintains a private practice in NYC dedicated to honoring the centrality of sexuality in his patients’ lives.

Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.

In this episode:

07:32 How psychological arousal relates to sexual intimacy 

08:28 Why couples in long term relationships often develop a ‘sex script’ over time 

12:51 Recognition that psychological arousal is a key component of sexual satisfaction

14:06 Why anticipation is an integral part of psychological excitement and how tapping into our erotic imaginations and fantasies helps get us going

18:42 Reciprocity is elemental for our sense of bonding, particularly when we're talking about intimacy and the vulnerability around reaching that authentic sexual place 

26:06 The element of play and being able to express sexual fantasy in recreating your sexual script

32:37 How to move from the shallow end in these conversations about sexual fantasy and drift further in so that we don’t get fearful and anxious about the process of connecting sexually

35:57 Dr. Kerner’s tips to help someone safely explore to open up more capacity and let go of their sexual rigidity

37:44 Introducing the idea of sexual exploration without pressure

41:50 Shifting from intercourse to outercourse and creating a sex script that adds and rearranges the right elements for us as a couple 

43:15 How to find out more about Dr. Ian Kerner and get ahold of his latest book So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives

Mentioned

• So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives (*Amazon Link)

• She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (*Amazon Link)

Connect with Dr. Ian Kerner

Website: iankerner.com  

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*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.