About this Episode

Is achieving a secure attachment really the ultimate marker of relationship success or could this mindset be doing more harm than good? In the quest for intimacy and connection, many of us fall into the trap of labeling ourselves and our partners, clinging to the idea that “secure” is the only way to be. But what happens when relationships don’t fit neatly into these categories, or when past experiences have shaped us in ways that make security seem out of reach? The pressure to be “securely attached” can sometimes backfire, leading to shame, blame, and a sense of hopelessness.

In this episode, you’ll discover why secure attachment doesn’t have to be the ultimate destination, and why striving for secure functioning—those daily choices and mindful practices that build safety and trust—can be a far more compassionate and realistic goal. Drawing on insights from trauma work, attachment research, and couples therapy, this conversation unpacks the pitfalls of categorizing relationships as “good” or “bad,” explores the nuances of healing within partnership, and offers actionable ways to build resilience, understanding, and growth—no matter where you are on the attachment spectrum.

Hanna Basel is a seasoned couples therapist and certified sex therapist. With expertise in attachment, trauma, and emotionally focused therapy (EFT), she helps people untangle their most complicated relationship patterns. As a former addictions counselor, Hanna brings both clinical expertise and lived experience to her work. She has been featured on CNN, Kare 11, MSN, and numerous podcasts where she talked about her ultimate and simple goal: to help people build relationships that help us heal and thrive.

Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 

04:23 Hannah’s path to couples therapy: From personal struggles to professional passion.

12:25 Understanding secure attachment and relationship dynamics.

15:26 Embracing relationship growth as a lifelong practice.

19:03 Debunking the myth that you must heal yourself before getting into a relationship.

22:00 Balancing guidance and judgment.

25:37 Neuroplasticity: How relationships shape and reshape attachment.

27:59 Understanding trauma’s role in relationship dynamics.

33:38 Compassion with boundaries.

34:59 Balancing love and constructive criticism.

39:07 Pacing, timing, and emotional safety in relationship repair.

42:10 Understanding pain and betrayal.

46:36 Slowing down for better attunement.

47:57 Breaking the cycle.

Mentioned

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)

Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication

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*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.