Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

If you’re having a bad day, try bragging about a friend. Talk about that thing they did and why they’re so great – it will turn your whole day around.

Today I’m bragging about my new friend Anna Goldfarb, author of Modern Friendships, which is about the nuances of adult friendships. Anna is a journalist whose reporting has appeared in The New York Times, The Atlantic, The Washington Post and Vox. Her book is absolutely amazing.

You’ll find we have lots of overlap in the ways we think about friendship, but of course, we are different people, and she provides slightly different perspectives and language on the topic. 

Today’s episode was such a delightful conversation; it felt like we could talk forever. If you like what I put out on this podcast, be sure to buy her book!

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The topic of friendship over the last few years, which became magnified during and after the pandemic
• Friendship strategies that are outdated in today’s super fluid society, putting people in positions where they can’t commit
• How Anna’s research impacted her relationship with her sister and her own friendships
• The importance of having flexible expectations as you and your friends move into different phases of life
• The thing that’s flattening our friendships that our ancestors didn’t have to deal with and the amount of time it actually takes to develop close relationships

Resources & Links:

Sign up for Anna’s newsletter and buy her book, Modern Friendships: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections.

Want to hear more about flexible friendship expectations? Check out Episode 33, “The New Version of Friendship,” and Episode 45, about friendship demotions.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

How do we balance community and independence?

This question is posed by today’s guest, Donna Fields, who, twenty years ago, moved to Spain, and experienced culture shock, going from the United States – an individualistic society – to one that was collectivist and communal. 

Donna is an author, professor, teacher, trainer, and host of the podcast Doorways to Learning with Donna. Here, she asks: what do we look for when we leave one place and go to another? For her, it was family and community. But is it possible to be TOO communal? 

Spaniards are often extremely family oriented, but is it possible family ties literally tie them down when they could have more experiences if allowed to cut loose? When you move somewhere so different, it makes you wonder: where’s the balance? What feels right to me?

I love episodes like today’s. It feels like we could just be sitting around the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, trying to explore life’s deeper meanings. We don’t answer all the questions, but it sure is an interesting conversation.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• All about Donna – her background in New York and New Mexico and how she ended up in Spain for the last 20 years
• What do we look for when we leave one place and go to another? And why do we leave the house in general – to do something, or to be with other people?
• Spanish vs. American culture: how each views family, community, reciprocity, trust, etc., and the pros and cons of each
• The hyper-vigilance required in individualistic societies where you’re doing everything by yourself
• The ripple effects we can have on others and the power of letting go 

Resources & Links:

Donna has compiled some material that will generate fascinating conversations about cultural differences and the natural unions of communities. 

Check out Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community by Robert D. Putnam, and if you haven’t yet, listen to Episode 41 about the Liking Gap.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Think about your closest friends. Have you ever felt yourself saying, maybe I just don’t know them anymore? Or, why is it so hard for us to get together? 

Here’s a question I’m posing for today’s episode: instead of trying to maintain friendships at their “peaks,” what if we allowed these friendships to breathe in their new forms?

Today’s guest is Joseph Suttner, who I met a year ago while on New Day Northwest, a morning TV show here in Seattle. In this episode, Joseph and I talk in-depth about the Wheel of Connection, particularly historic vs. present friendships.

Sometimes it can be sad to admit our historic (and sometimes closest) friendships are no longer at their peaks due to life’s circumstances. But if there’s one constant in life, it’s change, and I think listeners will walk away from today’s episode with new appreciation and perspective of these relationships.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Historic friends, defined friends, formal communities, and more in my Wheel of Connection framework
• The guilt and shame created by friendships that can’t be maintained at their peaks due to the realities of adulthood – and how to appreciate what’s there instead
• Self-awareness about your approachability if you’re trying to expand your connections (i.e., are you wearing sunglasses or headphones while out walking?)
• Activities together vs. drinks or coffee – one of these feels like less pressure if you’re meeting up with a new friend

Resources & Links:

Learn about my Wheel of Connection framework!

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

I’ve been paying more attention to my self talk lately, particularly my negative self talk.

It’s so easy to berate ourselves and give ourselves labels about our interactions. I’m a bad friend. I’m awkward. I’m terrible at small talk. I’m not good at showing up.

But what if instead of saying, I’m awkward, we say, that interaction was awkward, and look at the situation objectively? It’s easier said than done! The important thing is to notice the negative self talk when it happens and try to shift that over time. 

In today’s episode, I share three stories about my own self talk. Sometimes I have good self talk. Other times I’m quite mean to myself. My hope is that these stories serve as a reminder that we’re all still working on it, and that’s okay.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Different kinds of self talk we have before, during, and after our interactions – and how these can make or break our connections
• My runaway train story about a sleep deprived podcast recording, an embarrassing interaction, and the negative self talk I couldn’t seem to stop
• The value in removing ourselves from the conversation and looking at the situation objectively
• Two situations where I was able to tame negative self talk – one where I was ghosted, one where I didn’t show up for a friend in the way I’d wanted to
• The tricks our brains play on us, and how to approach these “fails” and be kinder to ourselves as time goes on

Resources & Links:

Need a cheerleader for your social interactions? I’m here for you! Conquer your friendship anxiety and walk into any room with confidence - join the waitlist now.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Today’s topic is female friendship, and to be honest, I’m a little overwhelmed by the responsibility.

I hear your stories about the intensity, cattiness, and drama of female friendships, but to tell you the truth, it’s been a long time since my friendships involved those extreme experiences. Due to my life’s circumstances, I had to approach friendship differently. Friends are my support system, and I will do all I can – even if it’s uncomfortable – to risk losing a friendship.

Which is why I’m so glad to have a female friendship expert on today: Danielle Bayard Jackson, host of the Friend Forward podcast, is a coach, educator, and author of Fighting for Our Friendships, which is a total game-changer and a book I cannot recommend enough.

Today, we talk about all the depth and complexities of this relationship – including, most importantly, the joy of female friendships, which, at their height, allow us to be seen and accepted for who we are.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Danielle’s background as an English teacher, where she observed the academic impact friendship had on her students
• The fragility of female friendships and the pressure women are often under to juggle the needs of others (as mothers, wives, employees, daughters, sisters, caregivers, etc.)
• Why women often look for emotional support from their platonic female friendships more than their romantic partners
• The high expectations of female friendships and Danielle’s advice for navigating the pressure associated with these relationships (HINT: communication is key!)
• Navigating healthy conflict and gender expectations, and how to build resilience so we can put ourselves out there

Resources & Links:

Follow Danielle on Instagram, listen to the Friend Forward podcast, and buy her book, Fighting for Our Friendships.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Today’s episode is all about holding space – and it’s a poignant reminder of the importance of friendship and how it can profoundly affect our lives, even after a friend has passed away.

Michelle Cecil is here to vulnerably share her story about her friendship with Erica.

Michelle and Erica’s friendship blossomed in their youth and grew stronger as they navigated the ups and downs of adulthood. Their relationship faced the ultimate test when Erica was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma. 

Throughout the episode, Michelle recounts the joys and heartbreaks of their journey and how she found support.

We also delve into the complexities of grieving a friend, including the lack of societal recognition for these losses and the unique challenges it poses. 

This episode truly left me speechless. Join us as we share space and honor the memory of Erica, while celebrating the beauty of lifelong friendships.

P.S. Michelle is a friend of Brenda, who appeared on Episode 24. They are part of the Marco Polo group we talk about in that episode. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The story of Michelle and Erica’s friendship, and how living thousands of miles away didn’t affect their bond (cards, letters, and long distance phone calls played a role)
• Friendships that feel like chosen family, transcending traditional familial bonds and highlighting the deep, emotional connections that can form in these relationships
• How Michelle has processed her grief over the years, from support groups, to counseling, to simply honoring Erica’s memories by talking about her with friends
• How the “Friends” series finale and Cinco de Mayo stir up memories of Erica
• The importance of sharing our stories of loss, and how this can foster understanding and bring comfort to those experiencing something similar

Resources & Links:

Check out Episode 24, which talks about the Marco Polo friend group that Michelle is a part of.

I have two other episodes focused on grief: Episode 18 with Aly Bird and Episode 35 with Suzanne Jabour.

You can also check out Episode 16 and Episode 19 for conversations about chosen families.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

How much Vitamin J are you getting in your life?

In today’s episode, we’re talking with Dr. Zarya Rubin, a Harvard educated functional medicine physician, and one of the questions she often asks patients is about whether they’re experiencing enough joy and connection.

Though there’s a societal push for more exercise and more kale, connection is actually one of the MOST important things you can do for your physiological health. According to a documentary we both love – Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones – regular human connection could add 15 years to your life. Lack of connection is similar to smoking 20 cigarettes a day.

I saw Dr. Rubin give a TED Talk here in Seattle a few weeks ago on burnout, and I am so grateful that she was able to come onto the podcast today. This will not be the last time we talk about this but it is definitely an amazing foundational episode to start to explore this topic.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The impact of stress, increasing cortisol levels and trickling into other parts of your body
• The studies that have recently come out about college students who entered school during the pandemic
• Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones and the 15-year impact connection can have on your life expectancy
• Loose ties, relational diversity, and how interactions at coffee shops can not only change your day but impact your long-term health
• Technology’s impact on in-person connection and how to get in touch with your fun side

Resources & Links:

Learn more about Dr. Zarya Rubin on her website  where you can access her free Burnout to Balance Toolkit and follow her on Instagram.

Check out Episodes 38 and 39, which are about third places;  Episode 41, which is about the Liking Gap; Episode 4 (What is a Friend?); and Episode 69, about learned loneliness.

Check out the book Zarya recommends, Find Your Unicorn Space by Eve Rodsky and the documentary Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones.

Check out the Mel Robbins Podcast episode about finding your people.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Sometimes to feel closer to our friends there’s this pressure to share our most vulnerable feelings or unearth some deep, dark secret. 

But what if I told you there are more ways to feel connected to our friends that are actually simpler, easier, and more common? That in fact, there are DOZENS of ways we’re trying to open up to each other, but because they’re not “big” shares, they’re often overlooked?

I believe we are all missing out on small moments of connection with our friends, and in this episode, I’ll describe this concept that I’ve mentioned many times but never dug into: small intimacies. 

My hope with this episode is to offer ways to shift the friendship culture and pay more attention to those small bids of connection, because as I’ve said before, friendship doesn’t have to be “all or nothing.” Sometimes those small intimacies are more than enough.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Definitions of vulnerability and rejection and the roles they play in whether or not we allow small intimacies
• Examples of small intimacies that are overlooked in friendship, from inviting somebody into your house to telling the truth when somebody asks how you are
• Topics that are vulnerable or considered big shares for some people but not for others, which can be both “positive” and “negative” shares
• The cycle of overthinking what we share to our friends and how we can open ourselves up to small intacies
• The Roots of Connection framework which I talk about more in Episode 12

Resources & Links:

Learn more about my roots framework! And be sure to listen to Episode 12 if you haven’t already.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

How much time do you spend with the people who matter to you most?

This could be your partner, your kids, your family, your friends, your community. The answer will probably vary depending on your season of life.

This episode features Katrina McGhee, a career break coach and author of Taking a Career Break for Dummies. Katrina was inspired by her own 20-month career break that involved traveling the world and spending more time with friends and family.

This conversation is such a delight. Community, connection and friendship are massive priorities in my life, and I hope this episode offers inspiration on how to make choices that allow us all to carve out more time to spend with our people.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The American Time Use Survey, which shows trends of how Americans spend their time based on age
• Katrina’s life-changing career break, how she managed it, and her advice for using a career break to connect with people
• Non-constructed moments with our people (often facilitated during longer periods of time spent together) instead of curated visits
• The mind-blowing percentage of people for whom connection is their reason for taking a career break
• Modern American connections vs. the connections Katrina remembers as a kid and the kinds she saw while traveling abroad (hint: we used to be more serendipitous!)

Resources & Links:

Learn more about Katrina McGhee on her website and check out her book, and learn about the 2022 American Time Use Survey.

Listen to Episode 65, “How Jenna Myhre Deyle Moved Across the Country to Live Closer to Friends.”

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

In this episode, we cover something I’ve been DYING to talk about: friendship in virtual reality. When you put on the headset and enter the VR world, what’s it like?

Today’s guest, Wesley Stroupe, is a Friendship IRL podcast listener who recently moved to a small town. Wesley is a self-described anxious person, but especially after the pandemic, he knew community and connection were important in making this new place his home.

He found these things in both conventional and unconventional places, from the local Unitarian Universalist Church to Bumble BFF and VRChat. (Are you making connections in VR, too? If so, reach out – I want to hear about it!)

As the world changes and new technologies appear, I feel strongly that we share how we use these new tools to fill our social wellness needs. Putting yourself out there can be scary, no matter the method, but as Wesley says here, though it feels like it might kill you, it won’t – and eventually, it might lead you to your people.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Voice memos vs. text messages – the impact of hearing people’s voices (the sound, the cadence, the tone) and what they can carry that text messages cannot
• Wesley’s story: growing up in a small Southern town and then moving to a small town as a self-described socially anxious person
• The benefits of joining a formal community – a church or religious organization, for example – and how this plays in my Wheel of Connection framework
• The snowball effect of connection: one friend might introduce you to another friend, who might introduce you to other friends, etc.
• Different platforms Wesley has used to make friends, including Threads, Bumble BFF, and VRchat, and what they’ve been like for him

Resources & Links:

In this episode, we talk about the Wheel of Connection, which I urge you to check out, and male friendships, which we cover more in-depth in Episodes 31 and 32.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.