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Healing after abuse doesn’t end when the abuse does.

In this episode, I reflect on 15 years of life after experiencing abuse, sharing how healing evolves over time, what recovery actually looks like long-term, and the insights that only come with distance and self-work.

We discuss:

The long-term effects of abuse

Why healing isn’t linear or time-bound

Growth, grief, and self-compassion years later

Rebuilding identity after trauma

Moving from survival into intentional healing

This episode is for survivors who are years into their journey and still learning, growing, and redefining what healing means.

Ideal for listeners searching for:

Healing years after abuse

Long-term abuse recovery

Trauma reflection and growth

Survivor stories and healing journeys

Mental health and post-traumatic growth

🎧 Follow the podcast for trauma-informed conversations on healing, healthy relationships, and reclaiming your life after abuse

Full Transcript: 

  📍 Welcome to Healing From Emotional Abuse, the award-winning podcast that sheds light on the journey from victim to survivor. I'm your host Marissa f Cohen, and I'm thrilled to have you join us on this empowering and healing adventure, the Healing from Emotional Abuse podcast. Isn't just another conversation.

It's a sanctuary for those who have endured abuse and are determined to reclaim their lives. Through interviews with inspiring survivors, experts, and advocates, we aim to break the silence surrounding abuse and empower our listeners with the knowledge. Support and resources they need to break free from their past.

Our mission is to provide a safe space where survivors can share their stories, find solace in knowing they're not alone, and discover the strength within themselves to heal and thrive. Each episode is filled with powerful narratives, practical strategies, and compassionate guidance to help you overcome the lingering effects of abuse and build a brighter future.

It brings me immense joy to announce that the Healing from Emotional Abuse Podcast has been honored with the prestigious Purple Ribbon Award for outstanding domestic violence podcasts by domestic shelters.org, recognizing our commitment to raising awareness about abuse. And offering hope to survivors worldwide.

We have hit top 10% globally and top podcast in 25 countries. This accolade is a testament to the incredible guests who have shared their stories and the tremendous support from our devoted listeners. Thank you so, so much. Whether you're a survivor seeking healing, a friend or family member wanting to understand and support, or an advocate dedicated to creating a safer world, this podcast is for you.

Our conversations delve into topics such as emotional, physical, financial, and psychological abuse, recovery techniques, self-care strategies, legal rights, and much, much more. Join us as we embark on this transformative journey together. Subscribe to healing from emotional abuse on your favorite podcast platform.

And remember, your story matters, and you have the power to break your silence from the chains of abuse. I'm your host, Marissa f Cohen, and this is healing from emotional abuse. Let's reclaim our lives and empower one another.

Hello. Hello. Welcome back to the Healing From Emotional Abuse Podcast. I am your host, Marissa f Cohen. And before we jump in today, um, I just wanted to give a, a content warning, a trigger warning. Um, what we're gonna listen to today is, uh, a rant from 2025 on the anniversary of my first sexual assault.

Talking about kind of where I've been and how I'm feeling, and I was very deep in my feelings. So I, I use the legal terms. Um, I. I am very direct. And so if at any point this episode becomes triggering, traumatizing or gets you worked up or feeling unsafe or uncomfortable, please feel free to turn it off.

You're also welcome to send me an email at Healing from Emotional abuse [email protected] to let me know, um, if there's a better way for me in the future to sensor or to, um. To, to handle these conversations, but I will have, you know, this particular conversation was with myself and unscripted and just kind of a reflection.

And then I also am reflecting on it. A year later. So, um, I just wanted to give you a trigger warning. There's a few things you could do. Turn it off, put on some decompressing music or something that helps you get back to your baseline. You can hum because humming actually engages your vagus nerve, va vagus nerve.

Um, and we will, we'll calm you down or you can snap your fingers. Because that tricks your brain to send receptors to your fingertips and not your eyes. It'll stop you from crying. So please enjoy this episode. Thank you so, so much for tuning in. Um, leave a comment, send me an email. Um, I really appreciate any feedback and so let's jump right into the next episode of Healing from Emotional Abuse.

Hello, and welcome back to the Healing From Emotional Abuse Podcast. My name is Marissa f Cohen. I'm your host, and today I wanted to give you kind of a, a more special episode. It's a little bit more personal. Um, so last year on January 15th was the 15th anniversary of my sexual assault. My first, um, with my first boyfriend.

And I interviewed on that day a survivor who was on the podcast, Emma. And. After I got off with her, I was kind of feeling my feelings. It was the 15 year anniversary, and so I just kind of started. I recorded myself just kind of talking and reflecting. I haven't listened to it in a year. My goal was to post it last year, and then I just.

I don't know. I just couldn't do it. So, um, what I'm gonna do this year is listen to it when I was deep in my feelings and, uh, completely unscripted, unplanned, and reflect on that reflection and kind of give you an insight of where I am now. One year post. That, but also 16 years post my own experience. Um, and having had several years of research and.

Working with survivors and doing what I do every day. So this is going to be an interesting ride, unscripted, just kind of giving you my feedback on my feedback very inception. But let's, let's kind of jump right in and today is January 15th, 2025. Um. As you've probably heard, I also, uh, recorded another episode with a guest, um, a little bit earlier today where I mentioned that today is the 15 year anniversary of my sexual assault that kind of spiraled my life into where I am today.

For better or for worse. And so I kind of wanted to do like a 15 year reflection because I didn't realize it had been 15 years, um, until I mentioned it, until I looked at the date when I was talking to Emma. Uh, the, my, my. Episode guest that's a hundred percent real. I completely blanked on what day it was, and I know that January 15th is the anniversary of the date, and every year I try and do something special on that day.

But last year, I guess I was so distracted I didn't realize. And then we were recording the podcast and I had that realization was like, oh shit, I can't believe that It didn't, like it didn't land. It very weird how brains work, and it kind of got me thinking, I went downstairs to make myself lunch. Um, because as soon as I kind realized that it, it sent me into a bit of my feelings.

Not necessarily in a bad way. I mean, of course. What happened to me was awful, and it did change the trajectory of my life in many ways. Again, for positive or for worse. So this is kind of just like the unscripted ramblings of me right now, reflecting on the last 15 years and how my life has been forever changed by the actions of truly like a piece of shit.

Um, a person who. Could not have cared less about me, my needs, my health, and my safety, and was exclusively interested in overpowering and controlling me. Um, and he showed that in a lot of different ways. This was one experience of many from him, specifically him. I've had other awful experiences as well.

Um. But yeah, this was, this is one anniversary of one horrible thing he did. There were a million red flags that led up to this point. You know, keeping me a secret was a big red flag. And then embarrassing me in front of people later was a big red flag. And I mean, he did a lot of things to keep me down, to control me.

He was very abusive before we got to this point, um, one of the things that we learn as. People who work with survivors, you know, and people who've gone through it, is that it's abuse is like a staircase, you know, it's, it's just constantly pushing new boundaries. So they start out small, something minuscule.

They call you a name, or they make a comment, or they say something like a little demeaning and see what your reaction is. And if you don't stop it right there, then that's a boundary they've pushed. Now they're gonna go up to the next step. And do something a little bit worse, and then push that boundary and then a little worse, and then a little worse and a little worse until you finally get to what is, you know.

Big explosions and violence, whether it's physical violence, emotional, and verbal violence, sexual violence. And so that's what happened here is there was a lot of controlling behaviors I didn't track, I didn't notice, I didn't even know were problematic until. It was way too late. And so this was, you know, January 15th was kind of the culmination of several months of growing abuse, growing red flags, and a lot of actions to be controlling and, you know, overpowering and abusive.

Um, and he did obviously for a, for a good bit of time and, um, so yeah, it's weird to think about. As a survivor, what life would have been had that not happened? Um, obviously choices were made on both sides, mine and his, that got me where I am today. Um, but reflecting on my choices, I originally wasn't even interested in him.

And the reason that I. Went on my first date with him was truly out of spite because another person accused me of breaking up with him for my abuser. And so just to kind of spite him, when my abuser did ask me on a date, I said yes. Although again, I wasn't interested. His personality and my personality just didn't really mesh.

Um, and that kind of set me up. Because now I was determined to prove something, so I had a little bit of motive, but I'm not, I'm not really here to blame myself, right? You know, I, I didn't ask for what happened. I didn't deserve what happened, and I'm certainly not like grateful for what happened. But I am very grateful for what.

The outcome of it all was, I wanna clarify something because like I said a year ago, I'm not particularly grateful for what happened, but I am incredibly grateful for the community that it created for me, for the learning experiences, for the life that came out of it. Um. I feel strongly that everything happens for a reason, even when it's horrendous and you eventually learn what that reason is, right?

And so here, I think I'm kind of working it out in my head, um, and trying to be really cautious about what I'm saying because I don't wanna say anything that's offensive or controversial or, or wrong or even could be triggering. Um, but I am very grateful. For the life that came out of this, the lessons I learned, the person I became.

I mean, if you met me before my abuse and then you met me, now I am a completely different human being. And even if you met me four days after, right on January 19th, I was a completely different person in all three of these situations and I, I feel strongly that. There's a lot of growth that comes from this kind of trauma if you don't let it define you.

Um, which is not something that we really talk too much about, right? We talk about being a victim and, and surviving and that fight, flight, freeze fawn or toxic immobility. Um, we talk about, you know, where we are right after we leave, but we don't really talk about 10, 15 years down the line. The choices that you make to either grow through it and become a stronger person, or, you know, take those lessons and implement them into your life, or people that kind of just live in that grief and in that, that despair and that depression, and people who live in that abuse the outcome of your life.

Can be completely different based on how you respond. Um, I felt. Almost immediately that I needed to do something to make my life better, make better choices. Um, I still got into other terrible relationships, right? One of the things that I say a lot is that my superpower in college was finding every toxic guy on my campus and dating them, and that's because it was accurate.

They all wore different masks, they all had different red flags. They all had different behavior patterns, and we never talked about this stuff. But through all of those experiences, I actively wanted to help other people, not. Fall for the same crap and the same games and the same garbage that I did.

Right? And so that for me for the last 16 years has been a huge motivator. I'll give myself a little leeway for like the last 14, 15 years has, has been a huge motivator for me, and I know a lot of survivors that feel that way. One of my dearest friends. Also a survivor. And she started a nonprofit teaching specifically women who experienced abuse and sexual trauma, how to grow physically strong.

And she put together a whole program about it, about building muscle and building confidence. And there are thousands of people, probably more probably tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of of people who've experienced this stuff, who have taken what has happened to them, and. And channeled that energy into creating a new community or a stronger community.

So it really, it depends on how you, how you look at your trauma that really relives or that really, um, defines what happens to you later, if that makes sense. Um, I feel like it gave me a purpose. It gave me a direction and something to focus my time and energy on that I actually had passion for. So if you had known me freshly 19 or younger, um, I was, I was pretty shy and I was trying to branch myself out because I was sick of being the shy person, the person that just didn't like put myself in.

Challenging situations. I cut there, I think I lost my train of thought. Either that or I just didn't really know where I was going with it, so I took a second to, to reflect, uh, and kind of got back to it. And when I say challenging, I don't mean challenging, like difficult. I mean challenging, like growth opportunity moments.

I didn't, I never, even though I always wanted to. I never went out for student government or positions of leadership outside of theater programs. I didn't really branch out in terms of like joining clubs or making friends or, you know, doing things that were terribly out of my comfort zone doing things.

I moved a lot. So not to say I was like maladjusted in any way. Um, but from, I, I went to three different middle schools in two different states. You know, I, I moved a lot, so by the time I got to high school, I kind of had given up on making friends and getting involved because I had already moved so much.

Um, so when I got to college, I made a conscious decision to go back to who I had. Previously been where I was very outgoing and very involved and really, really, um, you know, like big on leadership and big on making a difference. And you know, my mom always called me her little activist. I was always involved and I was always writing petitions and rallying and trying to do good.

Right? And so. I lost that part of me because we moved so much and it was a huge hit on my confidence. But, um, when I got to college, I made a conscious decision. In the first week, I wanna join clubs, I wanna be in leadership positions. I wanna grow, I wanna make new friends. I wanna have a very different experience than I had previously had.

Um, in my high school, I was really very much like a stay in my lane, rule follower, goodie, two shoes type of person. And so

it's just interesting because I decided that I wanted to be different, that I wanted to change really who I was and be more outgoing and be. In positions of leadership, and this isn't really terribly relevant, it's just kind of a backstory. I think I'm just kind of going through it right now. Um. But yeah, I think the point here is, uh, I intentionally wanted to put myself out of my comfort zone, which put me at a disadvantage to people who were, uh, more forceful or, um, it kind of targeted me for people who were looking for that control and that power because.

I wasn't operating at a hundred percent power, a hundred percent confidence. I was really in an uncomfortable position and I was looking to grow. So I think that's really the point of all of this. So I apologize for the ramble and learn those skills and grow as a person and kind of like change the trajectory of where my life seemed to be going at that time.

And by doing that. I thought I was building confidence and strength, but what I was doing was I put myself in a vulnerable position to be taken advantage of. That's not my fault. Again, I'm gonna stop right there. Nothing that happened to me was my fault. And I think I probably go into that here, uh, in just a minute.

But being in a vulnerable po being in a vulnerable position, putting myself in a position to grow where I was, of where I was a vulnerable target does not justify the actions of other people. I wanna clarify. Um, he made a choice. Actually all of the people involved in my experiences of abuse at that time, and there were a few, um, they all made decisions to hurt someone to overpower and control someone, to make someone feel less than.

Um, I was the receiver of all of that. Uh, and so nothing that happened was my fault. Nothing that happens to us in this regard is our fault. Somebody else made a choice to hurt me. Somebody else made a choice to impact me. They received zero consequence, and this changed my whole life, right? So if this is something that's relatable to you, no matter what the position is, no matter what you did, whether it was a growth opportunity or not.

You did not deserve what happened to you. You did not have it coming. It is not your fault, right? They made a choice to hurt us. We did not make a choice here. So I just wanna be very, very firm and clarify that because nothing I did put me in a position to deserve what I received. And it the same goes for any listener who has had an experience like this.

You did not do anything wrong. This was not your fault. Somebody else made a choice and you carry the burden. Now again, I am not blaming myself for what happened to me. He is fully responsible and fully to blame. It's just interesting because now 15 years later, and even, I mean even less, only a. A very short few years after what happened to me, um, specifically on this day, 15 years ago when he sexually assaulted me.

When he raped me. Um, I'm like a completely different human. I am fiercely loyal to myself and to the people I love in terms of like. Advocating, right. I advocate for myself. I set boundaries. I stand up for myself, fearlessly, and I'm generally not worried about somebody coming and taking advantage of me.

Um, my mom told me the other day that I'm intimidating, which to be honest, I kind of wear that as a badge of honor, and I don't think she meant it to be rude. But nobody could say that about 18, 19-year-old Marissa. I am firm with my boundaries. Um, which is not something I was when I was younger. I was way more go with the flow.

Kind of like people pleaser, oh my God, a hundred percent. Very polite, very quiet. You know that people always say like, don't mistake my kindness for weakness. Well, my kindness wasn't weakness, but my weakness was weakness. And um, and so I think that played a into a lot of it. I basically was just a target.

And I think through this journey, through my incredible, volatile, tumultuous roller coaster of. Of 15 years. I love who I am way more now than I probably did when I was in high school, but I mean, who really loves themselves in high school? You know, I was just gonna say the exact same thing. I was not put in a position in high school to feel confident.

Um, so, uh, that sounds really bad. I was not put in a, an environment that, um, I. That empowered people to feel confident, and that's a whole different story for a different day. But that's another type of abuse. I was being abused and bullied and harassed by my teachers and my classmates in high school, which played into my lack of confidence and then also played into me wanting to branch out, um, when I got to college.

Right? So there's a lot of motivating factors here, but. Had I continued on in that direction, I don't think I would be the strong, bold, outspoken, fearless person I am today. And so for that, I'm grateful. I also learned, because I've had such incredible opportunities to talk to work with, collaborate and partner with.

Incredible survivors from around the world and get to know their stories and get to know their patterns and their behaviors and their aftermath. Um, because I've had all of these opportunities, I've learned so, so much about what survivors go through what out, what, what aftermath and reactions of mine are very normal, even though no one had talked about it before.

That's an interesting point. So before I had started doing this work and talking to other survivors and really learning about what abuse truly does to us, um, I felt like maybe I was crazy. I was always second guessing myself and doubting myself. I felt like I needed to be defensive all the time and I was always defending myself.

And that got me into a lot of arguments and. Precarious situations with people who were not attacking me, but I always felt like I needed to be on the defensive, um, or justify myself. And even when people weren't being attacky or anything like that, I just always felt like I needed to justify everything because that's what my.

Ex-boyfriend put me in a position to have to do all the time. Anytime I would talk to another person or like a guy or hang out with one of my guy friends, I'd have to justify it. I'd have to defend myself. So that came from my abuse. Um, I mean, many other things. I definitely developed depression and anxiety.

Um, I, you know, had suicidal thoughts. Um, I used to keep a box cutter in my jewelry box, and I would, you know. Uh, self-harm sometimes. Um, not quite to the extent that I think, you know, a lot of people do. Um, I also gained a ton of weight and was really, really stressed out all the time. And so my body started to change.

Uh, I mean, it really made a horrible impact on, on my life and my health and my reactions and my interactions, you know, but those are things that we don't really talk about. And so I felt very alone, you know? And, um, it wasn't until I started talking to other people. I remember a conversation I had with a girl from my first book, and she was saying how, you know, she, after she was sexually assaulted, she was way less.

Um, she was, how do I put this kindly? She was way less concerned with the quality of person she was sleeping with, um, or even like the people she was sleeping with because in her mind she figured they're gonna take it anyways. So if I say no, they're gonna do it anyways. So I may as well just say yes.

Right. I may as well do it. And so she. As a control mechanism for herself, said yes to a lot of people she would not have slept with out of fear, like fear and, and safety and self preservation, right? That need for control. I definitely have control issues with a lot of things in my life. Um, I need to have my hands on everything, right?

I need to always be involved in, in things that concern me. Um. And, and my safety in my house and my life because I've had control taken away from me. So there are a lot of things that happen after abuse that we don't really talk about, and I would not have known were normal or common had I not had these conversations.

And so I think that's a big part of learning is. Learning and growing as a community is understanding that it's not just, you don't just get hurt or abused or assaulted, and then like a little bit later it kind of just goes away. Or, you know, these are very, very normal biological and neurological responses.

So, so having conversations and being really open to share, but also to receive information helps us grow and understand ourselves quite a bit. About different patterns of behaviors, red flags, yellow flags of perpetrators of abuse and assault that no one really talked about because no one talked to each other about this stuff.

So it's really an interesting perspective that I have as a survivor myself, and also having had worked with people and talked to thousands of people. Around the world about their individual stories and also to groups of people about situations and learning from them and their experiences. I feel like I have a really, really unique perspective, and I have the world's best education in this because I'm not learning it from a textbook.

I'm learning it from the people who survived it, who experienced it and came out on the other side for better or for worse. And I am so, so grateful to everyone who feels comfortable sharing, whether it's in the comments of these videos or with me after a speaking event, or via email or on social media, or any time.

I am so grateful. To the people who feel comfortable and safe with me to share what they experienced with me with others. The more we talk about this and the louder we get, the less room perpetrators will have to hide. Does that make sense? If we out them and we talk about what we've experienced and we are really firm in supporting our community.

There will be more accountability for people who are doing horrible things and less room for them to get away with it. Um, on average only about nine, and I only have the statistics for male perpetrators, but I understand that anyone can be a perpetrator, whether it's female, non-binary, you know. Anyone, anyone can be a perpetrator, right?

Um, but the statistics we have are, are primarily male perpetrators. So I apologize for being a little one-sided here, but about 9% of males in the United States are perpetrators of sexual assault. And of that 9%, which is not a small number, um. Relative to how many people we have in the United States, uh, of that, about 86% of those people will sexually assault, uh, six or more people, right?

Because they keep getting away with it and they keep, you know, skirting through it. There's no accountability, there's no consequence. There's no nothing, right? So the more we talk about it, the more we say their names, the more we out them, the more we collectively as a community make this a big deal. The less likely they are to get away with it over and over and over and over again.

So thank you for coming to my head Ted talk. You know. No, but, but honestly, you know, the more we talk about this stuff and the more we communicate with each other and the more we share our stories and speak out and be firm in who we are, you know, the quieter they get right, we're we are downplaying their ability to continue to hurt people.

And so I guess to kind of wrap this up, 'cause I don't really think I'm saying anything profound. I think I'm just kind of like in my feelings, reminding myself of how grateful and, and I don't love to use the word blessed, but like what an incredible opportunity I've had. I'm so grateful. For the opportunities.

Yeah. Are they okay? Okay. I'm just grateful that life has taken me down this path and that I have something I get to wake up every day and be really proud and excited to be a part of, to work on. And in this community of survivors, I think one of the most important things is recognizing that if we all band together, the numbers are in our favor.

So if instead of taking what happened to you to define you and hold you down, to use it to motivate and empower you to speak up, speak out, make changes locally or statewide or nationally or internationally. If all of us were to band together and write a piece of legislation that makes, that forces our legal system to be survivor focused, we would have way more of a say and way more positive outcomes for people who do report.

Um, then perpetrators would have power. Um. There's power in numbers, and so one of my ultimate goals in life is to either write or influence legislation that makes the legal system more survivor centered instead of more perpetrator centered. Right? The, the burden of proof should be on the perpetrator to prove they didn't do it.

I still believe that. I don't know how we'd go about doing that. So if there's any lawyers or prosecutors or anyone who's proficient in legislation, maybe a Congress person who. You are connected with, or if you are one, uh, listening, I would love for you to reach out to me and we can coordinate and see how we can make the legal system more geared towards supporting survivors as opposed to digging up their past and disproving what they're saying based on.

You know, a perpetrator's words, um, only you know, one to 8% of, uh, accusations of sexual assault are false accusations are lies. It's a very small percentage, and the discrepancy is different demographics. So that means that 92 to 99% of accusations are true. But we really like to focus on like the. The 2% or like the 8% that are, that are false.

And then we ship that off in the media and make it like a whole big stink. And it makes survivors of actual abuse and assault quiet. It silences us. It makes us less believable. Right. And I, I hope that things have been changing since the Me Too movement, but I truly have not seen so much change, um, in terms of how.

We look at when people disclose. Um, so I would love to have a conversation, maybe, uh, have a conversation on the podcast about what we can do to change the way our system works to be more survivor positive. Um, because if you want another really gross statistic, only about 2% of perpetrators of people who are ISTs, um, spend a night in jail.

They're not convicted on anything. Nothing. Right? 2%. That's, that's an insignificant number. That's not nearly enough to make this feel like I, like, I'm comfortable enough to go to law enforcement to, to make a report. Right. We need to create a society where people feel safe and comfortable coming forward because they know they're gonna be supported.

And it's not gonna take an average of four years of me re-victimizing myself over and over and over again to get to trial to probably lose. And have to face my abuser, like the whole system is set up against us and so that needs to change. Um, reach out to me. My email for the podcast is Healing From Emotional Abuse [email protected].

It's in the show notes and the description. So send me an email. I would love to coordinate with you. Uh, I think that that would be a really interesting conversation and we could probably get something really big going because that's not fair. Of course there's very little proof. This is an emotional issue and when it happens, we're not thinking logically, we're not thinking after it happens, oh, I have to go to get a sane exam.

Um, 'cause I really want someone to stick things up my hoo-ha and take a million pictures of me while I'm feeling the dirtiest and emptiest I've ever felt in my life. Pictures of me. I am so sorry if that was triggering in any way. I was, I was starting to get a little heated here, so I apologize. That's not fair.

It's not even like, it's not even logically correct, but because the legal system, the laws have been written by rapists and by perpetrators, the burden of proof is on us. And in my 15 years, I think unanimously across the board, the one thing I've heard more than anything is that the legal system's not in our favor and that that is what needs to change.

There are a million micro steps that need to happen before we do that, but I think what I wanna do is put together some sort of task force or I don't know. I have no idea, but I wanna put something together that allows all of us to contribute to ideas about legislation we'd want changed, to protect ourselves, to protect our kids, to protect our loved ones and our family members and friends, and whomever else has, or inevitably will experience this stuff.

I 2025 is, is the time that we need to be stepping up eight years ago. During the Me Too movement,

things started to change and it's been eight years and they're not changing fast enough. Right? Our culture and our conversations are finally changing after eight years. I think now is when we have to stand up, especially you, gen Z. I'm talking to you, gen Z because y'all are the movers and shakers, right?

Millennials, we set the foundation for you. Now you move and shake, and I'm happy to lead that charge and give direction or participate in the charge, but. I think it's time that we take the legal system back from being perpetrator focused to survivor focused, and from perpetrator defense defending, you know, to survivor defending.

Because if we want a healthy, safe society where people are held accountable for their actions, it is on us to do that. The people in charge are not gonna do that. The people who. Right now are, the lawmakers are not gonna do that because they're old fogies. They like comfort and consistency. And to be honest, they've probably been getting away with bad stuff for a really long time.

So, um, if this is something you're interested in participating in, um, send me an email at. Me, [email protected] or healing promotional abuse [email protected]. It's me m me at Marissa, M-A-R-I-S-S-A, Faye, FAYE, Cohen, COHE n.com. And we'll just start brainstorming a way to, to take all of this, you know, these, this, this.

Energy and this motivation and putting it to good use to make dramatic, incredible changes for our community. Um, happy January 15th to everybody. I'm going to eat a bowl of pasta and ruminate on the incredible life that I have in spite of my abusers. My rapists and the people in my life who have tried to control and overpower me.

So thank you so much and I hope you live with confidence, freedom, and peace of mind.

Thank you for going on that journey with me. Um. Obviously there were times there were, it was not, it was not planned. It was just a rant. Um, and there were times where I definitely got a little unhinged. And so I, I appreciate you kind of sitting through that with me. Um, everything I said, I still, I still stand by.

We do need to make changes. We need to talk to survivors more. We need to believe survivors more. Um. You know, now in 2026 we're, we're in the world of the Epstein files and everything that's happening with that. And you know, it's still unfathomable to me that with everything happening with that and the hundreds of survivors that have come forward, no one's talking to them.

Nobody's asking them. We're all questioning everything else. And, uh, you know, I. Their testimony and their experience isn't enough to prosecute, but there are hundreds of them saying the same thing. So we need to talk to survivors. We need to believe their stories, we need to listen. And that should be a, that should be enough.

Um. But anyways, I'm just gonna go on another tangent. I wanna sincerely thank you for supporting me, uh, on this journey, supporting the Healing from emotional abuse podcast tuning in every week, subscribing at, you know, whatever, whatever streaming service you, you listen to podcasts on. Um, it means a lot to me.

To have such a supportive community and to be able to make an impact like this. So, um, if you are interested in coming on this podcast, I am taking guests for 2026 still, uh, to interview, to talk about your story or if you have a topic you wanna talk about, um, in relation to relationships, whether they're healthy or toxic, abuse, anything like that, your voice should be heard.

And this is a platform. That I have, that I can use to help bring up other people, right? And to encourage other people. And you don't know what your story will do to help support others. So I'm very, very grateful for everyone who comes on the podcast, everyone who listens to the podcast, everyone who sends me emails and is supportive, um, and really anyone in the community who's.

Who's using their, their voice to support others. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Um, thank you for tuning in on this special. Sort of anniversary, uh, episode of Healing from Emotional Abuse. Um, like I said before, if you have any questions, concerns, wanna come on the podcast, do you wanna tell a story? You want me to read a story of yours?

Anything like that you. Email it to me at Healing from Emotional Abuse Pod PO [email protected]. Thank you so much for tuning in, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day and live with confidence, self-esteem because you deserve it.

Thank you so much for joining us on this empowering episode of Healing From Emotional Abuse. We hope you found inspiration and valuable insights to support your journey towards healing and growth. We want to express our deepest, heartfelt gratitude to all of our incredible guests who have continued to bravely share their stories.

As well as to our devoted listeners who have supported us on this remarkable adventure, your unwavering commitment to breaking the silence and healing from emotional abuse, surrounding abuse and sexual assault, and promoting a world free from violence. Is truly commendable. We would also like to remind you that in addition to the podcast, we offer personalized one-on-one and group coaching services to support your healing journey.

Our compassionate and experienced coaches are here to provide guidance, tools and a safe space for you to explore your path towards empowerment and wellbeing. Visit our website at www dot. Coaching with marissa.com. That's www dot coaching C-O-A-C-H-I-N-G, with WITH Marissa, M-A-R-I-S-S a.com To learn more and book a coaching session.

Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Reach out to support networks. Seek professional help and always remember your worth and strength. Only about 7% of survivors seek resources. We need to up that number healing is possible and together we can break the chains of abuse. And build a brighter future.

We invite you to stay connected with us on social media to continue the conversation and receive updates on future episodes, resources and community events. Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and ask Marissa at www.marissafaycohen.com. That's www dot. Marissa, M-A-R-I-S-S-A, Fay, FAYE Cohen, COHE n.com. Thank you once again for being a part of our community.

And remember, your story matters. Let's continue to uplift, inspire, and empower one another. This concludes another transformative episode of healing from emotional Abuse. Until next time, I'm your host Marissa f Cohen, and together we can live free, confident, and peaceful lives after abuse and assault.

Attorney Arlene Haeggquist, survivor advocate and legal powerhouse, shares how women can take legal action against workplace sexual harassment, assault, and abuse. Learn documentation strategies, your legal rights, and how to empower yourself through the court process.

This episode covers:

✨ Workplace sexual harassment and assault—50% of women experience it

✨ How to document abuse for legal cases (emails, screenshots, timestamps)

✨ Your legal rights as a survivor of workplace abuse

✨ Breaking the silence: why reporting matters

✨ Building support systems during litigation

✨ Toxic workplace culture and power dynamics

✨ Healing from financial abuse and exploitation

✨ Arlene's story: From abuse survivor to advocate for thousands

Perfect for survivors, advocates, and anyone wanting to understand workplace rights, boundaries, and legal empowerment.

Your journey from victim to survivor to thriver starts here. If you're ready to reclaim your life and learn from others' healing journeys, hit subscribe and join our community of resilient souls.

Have a story to share? Email us at [email protected] —we'd love to feature your questions, healing strategies, opinions and survivor testimonies on the podcast.

Transcript of Episode:

  📍  📍  📍  📍  📍  📍 Welcome to Healing From Emotional Abuse, the award-winning podcast that sheds light on the journey from victim to survivor. I'm your host Marissa f Cohen, and I'm thrilled to have you join us on this empowering and healing adventure, the Healing from Emotional Abuse podcast. Isn't just another conversation.

It's a sanctuary for those who have endured abuse and are determined to reclaim their lives. Through interviews with inspiring survivors, experts, and advocates, we aim to break the silence surrounding abuse and empower our listeners with the knowledge. Support and resources they need to break free from their past.

Our mission is to provide a safe space where survivors can share their stories, find solace in knowing they're not alone, and discover the strength within themselves to heal and thrive. Each episode is filled with powerful narratives, practical strategies, and compassionate guidance to help you overcome the lingering effects of abuse and build a brighter future.

It brings me immense joy to announce that the Healing from Emotional Abuse Podcast has been honored with the prestigious Purple Ribbon Award for outstanding domestic violence podcasts by domestic shelters.org, recognizing our commitment to raising awareness about abuse. And offering hope to survivors worldwide.

We have hit top 10% globally and top podcast in 25 countries. This accolade is a testament to the incredible guests who have shared their stories and the tremendous support from our devoted listeners. Thank you so much. Whether you're a survivor seeking healing, a friend or family member wanting to understand and support, or an advocate dedicated to creating a safer world, this podcast is for you.

Our conversations delve into topics such as emotional, physical, financial, and psychological abuse, recovery techniques, self-care strategies. Legal rights and much, much more. Join us as we embark on this transformative journey together. Subscribe to healing from emotional abuse on your favorite podcast platform.

And remember, your story matters, and you have the power to break your silence from the chains of abuse. I'm your host. Marissa f Cohen, and this is healing from emotional abuse. Let's reclaim our lives and empower one another.

   📍 Welcome back to The Healing for Promotional Abuse Podcast. I am your host, Marissa. And I'm your co-host, Sami Litchert. Yay. Welcome Sami. We're so excited today 'cause we have a really cool interview with Reen Quest. But before we get into that we really wanted to talk about something that is really important.

And I know Sami has brought up to me workplace dynamics. And so we wanted to share some like workplace sexual harassment issues just because. It's so common and Irene touches on it in her interview and it happens to 50% of women and we're both women and we are each on the other side of the 50%, oh gosh, so many times from actually from male bosses and female colleagues.

I've experienced all kinds of harassment from women. It's usually more of like commentary on my body or like complaining about my clothes or trying to make me feel intimidated or uncomfortable by overpowering me or getting in my face. When I worked at the military base, I had a female coworker who.

This is all, my perception of it, but my assumption is that she was jealous of the attention I was getting, but my job was to be friends with everybody, so I just did my job and she didn't like that. The men on base, which made up probably 85 to 90% of my base, really liked me, right? And not liked me in a sexual or intimate way.

But like we got along really well. I went to the gym with them. We had lunch together. I played Scrabble at lunch with some of my coworkers. Like we, it was fun. We went out to lunch all the time and hung out after and went to happy hour, things like that. And she didn't like that. I had these relationships with them, and so she would.

Regularly get in my face, stand up really close to me, and she was taller than me, so she'd look down on me and flex on me. And she would do that often. And then she would taunt me or, talk bad about me. And so while that wasn't directly sexual harassment, because she wasn't like leveraging my position, she was trying to make me feel intimidated and trying to get me to leave or back down or stay quiet as opposed to like.

Being able to function and do my job properly. Have you ever had a situation like that, Sami? I would say I had a similar situation, but not to that level. I would definitely say that. I would say recently it was very minor. Harassment, but it wasn't even to my face. It was all behind my back, which is even worse.

I feel like, I wouldn't say even worse. I apologize. I was like, it just didn't feel good. I would say at a position that I was in, I was told that. So when people get to know my personality, I'm a very excited person. It's just who I am. Very bubbly. That was a con. Apparently there that was a thing that someone did not like that I was a very bubbly person and tried to make my job a living.

HELL and it was very frustrating, but it didn't let it affect me until it started trickling down into staff members to saying, oh, she's not professional. Oh, she's dress I'm a very T-shirt, jeans kind of girl. I'm a comfort dresser. She's not professional enough. She's not doing this. It was all very frustrating.

'cause there's things that really value who I am and they value who I am as a person. And it was frustrating. 'cause it's things that are, am I supposed to change this? Am I not? I think that's where I wanna say it's similar, but not am I supposed to be, become a miserable person at my job and just go in, log in, do the job and leave.

Or am I supposed to stay who I am? So I think the I wouldn't say the frustration, but the confusion is I didn't know who I was for a few months and I did not, I didn't like that. That really brought me down. And I've, I finally, it took me a long time to work out to the place where I am in my life.

Took a lot of friends, a lot of support, a lot of stories, a lot of sharing and a lot of therapy. And for this place just to start bringing me back down for minor things that. Didn't even affect what I did in my position. It was hurtful. And the things that happen at work trickle down into our real lives.

If you think about it, we spend eight hours, supposedly eight hours sleeping, eight hours at work and eight hours at home, right? If you break it up into a perfect, that's 33% of your adult life you spend at work, and if that 33% is you getting harassed by bosses or coworkers, shit, talked behind your back, made to feel insecure or inferior, or in danger.

Unsafe like that actually does trickle into our ability to sleep, which impacts our mood, our irritability, our performance at work. It impacts outside of work, our personal relationships, the way we feel about ourselves and others, our feeling of safety and comfort with the people around us. So what happens at work and in your workplace in those dynamics, whether it's coming from a boss and a superior that is.

Making you leverage or leveraging your needs, right? Your basic needs of like shelter and food, which is directly related to working to like their fulfillment, that's problematic, right? And so if you are getting harassed or bothered or talked about and made to feel unsafe at work. I'm sure that it impacted you and Anton a little bit, right?

Your mood, your ability to communicate your feeling of safety and you live where you work. I was just about to add that. I'm like, I was like on top of that when you. When you can't even leave the place that you work, it makes it difficult. Yes. I physically walk about 40 yards from one door to the other, but it's just stepping outside your safety zone, your home, like as soon as you walk out, it's difficult.

And we have animals on campus, so sometimes I may wanna go out in some PJ's on a Saturday morning to let my dog relieve herself to come back in, fall asleep. It's the judgements and the looks and the. All of that happens at my workplace that does, like you said, trickle into home. It affects it.

Things are great. Now, by the way, I wanna preface that really quick. Like things are phenomenal. All things are great. I'm not even referring to current stuff, it's just stories. But yes, a hundred percent. I didn't mean to throw you. I was like, I just wanna make sure. No, but it makes sense, right?

Especially if you live where you work, there's literally no escape. Or if you own your own business like I do, where if I have a bad day or I start beating myself up and I am my own boss, which really is a nice benefit, but I've had so many prior experiences that were awful that, you know, if I have a bad day or if something doesn't go my way.

I don't have that escape. I don't get to leave my workplace at work. My work building, I have to go into a different room in my house, right? This is my office and two doors that way is my bedroom and down a staircase is my living room, so I don't really ever leave work when I'm done with work.

Now I close the door and I only work in this room to, to associate, but still it's the same idea. And so when you're miserable, when you have a bad work dynamic, or when you have coworkers or a boss that are making you feel unsafe, you know when someone's shit talking, you like that and trying to, attack your professionalism and your personality, it does make you feel unsafe.

 📍 So a little more on the nose because Reen is an attorney who works with survivors of sexual harassment and sexual assault, primarily in the workplace. So she deals with power dynamics all the time. I used to bartend and waitress at Applebee's. If you don't know Applebee's, you're very lucky.

No. The food at Applebee's is fine. Like the company is fine. It's a good place. It's like equivalent to a Chili's, right? But I had a boss who, he was the general manager of ours. Store. I actually had two at the same location and one left, or one got fired or transferred or something. But one of them, his entire goal, he hated his wife because his wife cheated on him with his brother.

So all of a sudden, yeah. Oh, it was a whole mess. But he hated all women and he took it out on the women, and his goal was to make it least one female employee cry every shift. That's not a joke, that's not an exaggeration. He would go out of his way to embarrass us in front of tables to. Yell at us or demean us, or scold us in front of coworkers.

He was really, truly awful. And I had, and I was, young, I was in high school when I worked there, so it wasn't like life or death if I quit, but that was my money source, right? That's how I afforded to travel. That's how I saved money for college. It's how I did all these things. So for me, at the time, it felt like I can't leave.

This is my life. And so I was, I felt stuck there and eventually enough of us complained to corporate and he got transferred, I believe. I don't think he even got fired. I think he got sent to a different store. Which doesn't actually solve the problem at all. He just wasn't another store's problem.

It became another group of women's problems, and so that's a problematic solution, and you see that happen all the time, especially in situations where money and power and influencer are involved, right? And but then the next boss, honestly was even worse, right? They say the devil you know is better than the devil.

You don't. I actually would've preferred the cry guy. His name was Bob.  📍 So we had Bob and then we had Rob. And Rob was horrendous. He. Wouldn't try and make us cry on shift, but there were certain girls that he would favorite. I was one of the favorites.

And it's because I was young and I was attractive and I had a very bubbly, big personality. So he would very often call me into his office, whether it was during a shift or after a shift. But he would call me in his office, close the door, and he would get really close and talk to me. And it wasn't always sexual or provocative or anything like that, but he would stand like really close to my face. And so as a 16, 17, 18-year-old, I was there for three years as a young woman. I didn't know how to say, get the fuck out of my face. That's so uncomfortable to you. It was so uncomfortable. But he had this authority, right?

If I told him to get outta my face, if I said back up, if I, anything, he could have fired me and he could make it look like I was the bad employee, right? So he would corner me and talk really close to me and. It didn't matter what we were talking about. It was uncomfortable, but it escalated.

Sexual assault starts with sexual harassment. It's pushing boundaries. It's figuring out what he can get away with, what I will stand up to, what, how far he could push me before I, before I spook and I didn't know. How to handle that. We didn't talk about this stuff back then. So it started with really close talking and then it became, he was talking to other male coworkers and like I said, I worked there for three years, so I had a lot of really good friends that were my coworkers.

He would talk to them and say, ah, Marissa's so hot. If I was younger, I would totally in insert some disgusting vile sexual act. And of course, those guys also didn't know how to handle it. 'cause again, all young. So they came and told me. So now I'm stuck in an office with a close talker who I know is sexually attracted to me or thinking of me in a way that I didn't.

Feel was right? And so it just got worse and worse. Eventually it got to him touching me, touching my arm. Or he would have me sit down in a chair and he would touch my knee. But he was talking about something unre. He wouldn't say you're so hot. He would touch my knee and say, you did a really good job today.

And so I'm uncomfortable, but. I didn't know how to handle it, so it just escalated and escalated until I just quit. I found a new serving, bartending job, and I left. I just wasn't interested anymore because I was scared all the time, and always office, always alone, always door closed, and.

It just started to, it always felt uncomfortable, but it just started to like really eat at me and I didn't know that I had options. I didn't know. I knew it didn't feel right, but I didn't know that was a power dynamic issue. I didn't know that was considered sexual harassment. I feel like the next step would've been, if you want this promotion or if you want this, then you have to do this for me.

And I didn't want any part of that. So I found a new job with bosses that were way more respectful and set very clear boundaries, and realized that bartending jobs are a dime a dozen. I could quit one and find another one in an hour. All that's a learning curve. But as an older adult now, being in a situation like that.

If I was still if I wasn't self-employed, that's a whole different ballpark. 'cause I have a mortgage, I have a husband, I have dogs, I have responsibilities, and I would rely on that paycheck, right? And so I can't begin to imagine like this, the fear. And so I think it's really important that we listen to Irene and we take all the advice that she gives and really run with it.

Know that we have rights and know that there should be safety at work, and that there are people and advocates and teams of people on our side to keep us protected. Ready to listen? Yes. Alright, let's jump in. 

  📍  📍  📍  📍 Recording. Welcome back to the Healing From Emotional Abuse Podcast. I'm your host, Marissa Cohen, and today we have an amazing guest. I'm really excited to chat with her. Irene Quist, welcome on. How are you today? I'm good. Thank you so much for having me on your show. Oh my gosh, I'm so excited to have you.

I'm here. So would you mind just telling us about yourself and introducing yourself? Sure. I am a lawyer out here in San Diego and I've had my firm for the past 15 years and I represent primarily women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted or discriminated against in the workplace. Oh, that's amazing.

We definitely need more lawyers that focus on that. Yeah. So what does that look like for you? Like how often do people come to you about these kinds of scenarios? I wish I could say it wasn't often but it's still really a prevalent problem in our community of women being harassed and discriminated against in the workplace.

You think there's more equity, you think there's more equality in the workplace? But unfortunately they keep getting abused and so they come to me daily. I meet with women daily and represent women daily against their abusers in court. Is this a newer area of law? I understand that this has been happening forever, but people haven't really talked about it until very recently, and especially tried to fight it because we were always, brushed off by law enforcement.

So how, like, how new is this field? So the field of law isn't new at all. We've had the laws protecting us in place for a long time. I would say women coming forward more and more is getting to be more prevalent, right? Yes. Women who have been abused think they can't stand up for themselves.

They're ashamed of it. They're scared of it. They don't think anybody will believe them, and I see that every day. But more and more women that stand up, the more and more women feel like they can also come forward and stand up for themselves. That's awesome. So do you mind just taking us through the process of what the legal side of this looks like.

We all, for the most part, most women know what the feeling side of it, like the, actual harassment side of it looks like. But what does the legal side of that look like? Yeah, I would say the first step is for you to decide that you wanna take a stand, you know that you've been abused, you've been victimized, and you wanna stand up for them for yourself.

And so that's step one. And then step two is finding a lawyer that you feel can really be your advocate and can help you stand up for yourself and is going to fight on your behalf and be there for you. And once you find the lawyer that you're gonna have, do that. You're really working with the lawyer, like our job is to help you stand up for yourself, but you have to take the first step.

And it's really working with the lawyer to provide the facts and details and getting, everything you have in your possession to help us stand up for you. And the process is, we put together a story as to what happened to you, right? This is the harm that you were. That happened and the laws that were violated.

And so that's what a lawyer does. They put the story together and identify the laws people think. What I've learned, in doing this for over 20 years and having my firm for the past 15, people with money and influence and power, they for some reason think the laws don't apply to them.

That they can get away with doing these things to women. And we're here to tell you they can't. Power is not an excuse. Money is not an excuse. The laws apply to everyone equally. And when you have a lawyer on your side, that's what we do. We stand up against them and say, no, I don't care how much money and power you have, you're not gonna do this to our clients.

So that's. That's what it looks like. It's definitely it can be scary and it causes, like you're scared as to what's gonna happen because it's unknown to the person coming in to our office. But I think we do a really good job because not only do we have a lawyer on staff, we have a whole team.

We have a team of 15 people that work on your case and are with you every step of the way, including a survivor advocate that we have here on the office because we understand litigation can be emotional. She's here to help you during that process because she's not a lawyer and she's been a plaintiff in a lawsuit.

So she understands it and she has, credentials and training to be trauma informed, and she helps us be trauma informed, so we do a better job talking to our clients. That's awesome. Yeah. What is the, excuse me, what's the best thing a survivor can provide to help them help you win their case? I would say documentation.

So even if you have, sometimes women come in and you're like, I don't have any proof that, he did this to me. And the proof sometimes is the fact that you journaled to yourself or you sent yourself an email or you texted your friend and was like, oh my God, this just happened to me.

That's all evident. So that is all helpful. So documenting things that happen to you when they happen will really help in any sort of litigation case. That's awesome. So even if it's just a note to yourself or like a time date and a small blurb about it, all of that is, is positive, it helps you. Exactly.

Because unfortunately, the first thing that people do is they deny it. They deny that event ever happen. And so the way you come, you combat that is well, no, it did happen. And here in real time I was sharing this information, to myself or in real time I was sharing the information to somebody else.

That's awesome and I'm glad that's that's an easy way to prepare yourself. Yes. Yeah. Even so and those are situations where, you know, like in the workplace, for example, if the boss is harassing you, women get scared. They don't wanna lose their job, right? Because that's what's putting food on the table.

And so they're really scared to stand up to the boss that's harassing them. And so say, might not wanna report it right away. They might not wanna tell human resources, they might not wanna tell, another senior level person. And so one thing that we recommend is at least document it to yourself.

If you're not ready to report it up the chain, then at least, yeah, take notes on what's going on. So you have that for yourself if you decide to report it or pursue it later. That's awesome. So I apologize. I'm getting over a cold, so Oh, good. Okay. After all that travel, so I know all the planes. Yeah. I was bound to get a cold somewhere along the way.

But it that's awesome that even just that documentation or even text messages to friends or partners or family are solid and helpful in court. That's great to know. Yes. So how did you get into this field? When I was growing up my father was terrifying. I got abused as a kid, emotionally, physically verbally and even sexually.

And that was a really hard way to grow up and. I always wanted somebody to save me. I always wanted somebody to protect me. I wanted that to be my mom. But my mom stayed silent. She didn't say anything even though she knew what was going on. So I didn't have an advocate or somebody supporting me to say this was wrong, and that was just the life I grew up with.

It became almost like it was normal, like life was supposed to be that way, and I suffered a lot of consequences. I was really depressed. So depressed that I tried to commit suicide. Twice when I was young, at one point I was only like 10 or 11 years old, and second time when I was 16. And so knowing how that feels, I got away from that.

I was lucky enough to go to college and through college I was able to go to law school and start a law firm, and so now I'm that advocate. I am the person that I wanted my mom to be. For me, I am that person who fights and helps you say, no, that conduct is not okay. I got into this field because it's so prevalent when you're going through it.

You think you're all alone. You think you're the only person this is happening to, and you can't share that story with anybody else. And sadly, it's such a prevalent problem, like 50% of women experience sexual violence. That's a very large number. And I think it's more than that because there's probably a lot of under-reporting and people not talking about it.

And so when you think about how high those numbers are and that these women, even though it's happening to so many of them around them, we're not talking about it. I think it's important for me to do the work that I do and it gives me great purpose to be able to stand up for them. It must be very rewarding feeling, especially like that feeling of vindication because you are being the person that you needed when you were a kid.

Exactly. That's an in journey. Exactly. Yeah. It has been a journey. It's, it wasn't right away. It wasn't right away. I was definitely lashing out in unfocused ways. And now I'm able to take all that anger that I feel when somebody's experiencing this kind of abuse and focus my attention on against the aggressor from, on behalf of my clients.

So it is really fulfilling. That's incredible. Thank you for doing that work. Oh, it's so necessary and so needed. Thank you. Thank you. Do you have colleagues that are in this field, like around the country? So if, let's say somebody came to you and said, I'm in Chicago and I, I really need. Help.

Would you be able to point them in that direction? Yes. There are lawyers that do the work that I do all over the country always happy to provide a referral or a resource to the person that calls. And we do that every day, right? We get hundreds of calls and we, if we can't help them, we definitely point them in the right direction.

Okay. Awesome. Thank you. Yeah.   📍  📍 So you have a book coming out in September. I know. So yeah, that comes out September 12th. It's gonna be on sale on Amazon and it's called Fired Up Fueling Triumph from Trauma.  And I really wanted to share my story because I wanted. Me to give my story out so other women can share their stories.

Because I've seen it firsthand how powerful that is. When women stand up for themselves and come forward, other women wanna come forward. And we saw that through the Me Too movement, right? One woman came out and then there was just a plethora of women that came forward. And so I wanted to write my book for that same reason.

That's incredible. And in that you share your journey. And yeah, I share my story as to what happened as well. So I tell my story in a very raw and vulnerable way. And I provide a resource to help women who have been abused either at work or at home from feeling helpless and hopeless like I did to feeling empowered and in control.

I could talk about my healing journey and I provide you and or the reader with steps and tools that they could take, to start on their healing journey. But I do believe the step one, the first thing you gotta do is you gotta say something. You gotta talk about it, you gotta acknowledge it.

You, we really want to shove it down and pretend like it didn't happen. And if I just ignore it, it'll go away. I can just move forward in my life. 'cause it just, it was back then and I don't wanna address it anymore. But the more we do that, the more consequences it has for us, the more it will hurt us.

And it's, to me, by doing that, you're just giving the abuser more than what they've already taken from you. Do you mind if I ask, and please just tell me if this is an inappropriate question, but do you have a relationship with your father now? So my father passed in 2010, so no. But prior to him passing, yes, I did have a relationship with my dad.

And it was just like that. It's like you ignored. Everything he did. And my therapist has going through therapy for many years, that's called Stockholm Syndrome. Where my therapist thinks all my anger, should be directed at him. That's where it should go. But it's not, it's directed at other people and my rage comes out in other places.

I wanted to get away from him so bad when I was a kid. I got away, moved to college and yeah, he was still in my life from until he passed. So what, when you get in those moments of rage, is there, did she give you any like decompression exercises to do no. What I have done is I've identified it so before, when I would get into these moments of rage they were misdirected you could set me off because you said something, for example, I'll give you a perfect example. My dad used to tell me to shut up in a not such nice way all growing up. And he wanted me to keep my mouth shut. He didn't want me to say anything. And if I, said something that he didn't agree with or he didn't like, he would threaten to kill me.

And that as I've gotten older, when people tell me to chill out or calm down, or, be quiet, it. I would go off, like I've pushed people from it, it would enrage me and I didn't get that. I didn't understand that when I was young and I hadn't started my healing journey and hadn't gone to therapy. I just thought they were pissing me off.

Don't tell me to be quiet. I'm gonna say what I wanna say. But what I've learned through therapy is that was a trigger. That was me going back to that little kid who was being told to shut up. And when I was a kid and was told to shut up, I wanted to say something, but I couldn't. I want, I was angry and I didn't, bring out the anger as a kid.

And what I've learned is, again, to identify what happened and to know that's a trigger and that's helped me. It's like it's helped me to the tool is. To figure out where that's coming from. The rage isn't coming from you telling me to be quiet. The rage is coming from a different place.

And so identifying feeling whatever I'm feeling the rage I'm feeling, but then figuring out like, where is that coming from, and going back and doing some work. So I've done some inner child work through the process. Taking me back to how I was feeling as a kid when the abuse was happening and really feeling the emotions.

That I suppressed and repressed as a kid growing up. That's awesome. So that's a, that's a really cool process, just even being self-aware enough to identify that's where it came from and now I can just chill out. Exactly. That's a great tool. You don't necessarily need to do anything like breathing exercises as long as you can identify it.

And know how to move yourself out of it. That's a really strong technique, yeah. And it takes time, right? Just to even be conscious of that, right? Because the first, like I said, for many years of my life, I just wanted to ignore it. I've moved on, I've gone to college, like, why am I focusing on these things that happened to me when I was a kid?

I should just get over it. Move on. But there's a lot of consequences. I can't just put it aside. I need to feel the feelings that I felt as a kid that I just pushed down. And that my body couldn't fight with that anymore. So what advice would you have for survivors who might've gone through what you went through to help them heal and move forward?

I would say the first step is to acknowledge it and acknowledge it. It's not you know it happened to you, but acknowledge it to yourself. Put it down, tell someone. And if you can't tell someone, write it down. Start journaling it, make it real as opposed to something that's in your head that you know you're on a loop on.

So acknowledge it, share it. Someone. And if you're not ready to share it with someone, write it down on paper. That would be to me like step one. Like you, you have to do that because until you identify what happened to you it's just eating you up alive. You're just like shov, shoving it down.

And that's gonna continue to have problems cause you problems that you're experiencing. And what I mean. I know the answer to this question, but I wanna hear from you. Like what's the benefit of taking your abuser to court, of hiring, a lawyer to, to handle this? What? It's incredibly empowering.

It's incredibly empowering and like you don't feel that way when you step in. When you first step into my office, you're like me, you're depressed, you're anxious nothing seems to be going right. You are ashamed as to what happened. You're blaming yourself. You're trying to figure out what you did to, get yourself in this situation, it wasn't right.

You now a lawyer tells you. You're right. That is not right. And when you stand up for yourself, you're letting that person know what you did was wrong. And I'm not letting you get away with it. You're not letting them get away with it. And then at the end you feel empowered, like you can stand up for yourself that you didn't have when you first stepped in.

So I just think there's a lot of empowerment from taking a person to court. It's not easy. I'm not saying that it's an easy process it wasn't easy what you went through either, right? And so this is part of how you're gonna get yourself better and not let this person get away with it.

What, what's a good way for a survivor to prepare themselves for the court process? Because it takes so long and it's such an emotional journey. What could somebody do to prepare? A good support system, like really having a good support system. So having, a law firm and lawyers that support you and that you feel comfortable with.

Like I said, we have a survivor advocate that's helping you through that emotional toll that litigation takes. A therapist is always helpful. It really is like having somebody to support you through the process, not only of what you went through, but also what you're continuing to go through because.

You are having to talk about it again, right? Even if you want to, move on with your life, it's not closed yet, while you're in the litigation process friends, people that are supporting you, who believe you, who aren't questioning why you're doing it, you don't wanna be surrounding yourself with people criticizing your efforts to come forward.

You wanna be surrounding yourself with people that will support you and are happy and excited for you to be on this journey to stand up for yourself. Awesome. You had a good group of people around you and a good support system, a good solid support system. I love it.   📍  📍 So now tell us where we can get your book on September 12th on Amazon.

On Amazon. Tell us the title one more time. It's called Fired Up Fueling Triumph from Trauma   📍  📍  📍 I believe when you start sharing your story, you can also find your triumph. So I hope when people read the book they can see that.

I'm excited to get my copy. I haven't gotten it yet, but it'll be in the mail today. Yes. Thank you so much. Is there anything else that you'd like to say that I didn't ask about? I don't think so. I feel like we covered a lot. The only other thing, when we're talking about lawsuits and coming forward, I think sometimes you think women are losing, like we're losing in the court of law.

We're losing these battles. And I'm here to tell you every day women are winning. When they stand up for themselves, they are winning. We're this idea that, we shouldn't come forward, we shouldn't be ashamed of ourselves for standing up for ourselves. And that's not true. That's just what your abuser wants you to think.

And so by doing that, you're just, turning the paradigm and flipping it. So I love that.   📍  📍 So that was, I feel like a really good interview with Re and Quest. She was very poignant and very direct in her responses. And I think that I don't know if you got this, Sammy, but I think that she has so much heart and passion for it. I think you could just tell by like her words and her body language, like she's really in it.

What do you think? Absolutely. I felt a connection to her through a couple of things, which, excuse me, like I highlighted and I'm sure we're gonna touch upon them shortly, but something that I really valued and pulled from her was the support system. I know, like I went through a previous issue, it wasn't the exact same situation, but if I didn't have my support system, it, I just wouldn't be in the same spot I am today.

That was the biggest thing I pulled plus another million things here. Yeah. I took a lot of notes from that interview and I did the interview and I'm still, every time I watch it, I'm like, relearning, but yeah, I think support systems are so important, right? Having that.

Level of support and empathy really gets you through, right? So like even when I was going through my stuff, which was similar to hers, mine was a boyfriend in college and then another boyfriend in college, and then another boyfriend in college. And having my friends there to help me through it, whether they knew what I was going through or not.

Was very validating, right? It made me feel seen. I feel like if I didn't have my friends and my family, I don't know if I would've gotten through it. There were definitely points in time, various points in time where I was suicidal, where I was like in a really dark, depressed place where like getting out of bed became a huge feat for me, yeah. I love that she highlighted that and suggested that was incredibly important. What else? Go ahead. Go ahead. I was gonna say absolutely something else that I highlighted was I never knew this is, that she works with I'm looking at my notes really quick. She works with a team of 15.

That's amazing. And every single person on that team is there to support one individual. I actually never knew that at all, and that just makes for me, that's just more empowering to know that. All of these people are coming together in care. All these people took these jobs because they care. And the fact that like the, these support systems are out there, these teams are out there.

It's just wonderful to know that and to be able to send people to groups like this. Yeah. Having a whole team behind you has to feel super empowering, right? Especially, I love that they have a not lawyer, what did she call it? A survivor advocate who's not a lawyer, who's their specifically to help the survivor.

That's so smart, right? So you have this team of 15 professionals, all trauma informed being led by an advocate who's teaching them as a person who went through it themselves to be trauma informed. I just think that if everybody had an opportunity like that, or everyone had a team like that these lawsuits would be so much easier for survivors because right now.

It takes an average of four years from filing the complaint to actually getting to trial. So over those four years, any opportunity or any advancement in your healing gets set back over and over again because you have to relive it over and over again. And if you're not convincing to a jury, if you're not like the perfect victim, right sobbing and broken and crying, you're, it's harder to convince people who have no idea.

What this feels like, that you are legit and that, all the media around the, oh all the women who come forward are lying and all that bullshit. It's hard to convince those people. So you do have to remain stuck in time and having fif a, a team of 15, like you pointed out, yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, absolutely. I really liked how she took her own experience and became exactly what she needed. I think a lot of people in this industry do, right? What we're missing when we are going through it, or what we feel like we need, we grow up to be. And I have a lot of colleagues who have had that experience where, you know a friend of mine, Maureen, I feel like I'm doing all the talking and I apologize, but I have a friend Maureen, who grew up in a very abusive household, just like Reen, Maureen Reen, and what she wanted.

And she grew up just envisioning a living room with a bunch of mothers who she could just run in and hug them and lay on a couch or a rocking chair and just be held because her mom didn't provide that for her, and her house was very toxic and abusive. So now she literally goes around the state of New Jersey and creates these like living room settings and police stations in crisis centers in whoever will host it.

And she designs those so that people who are feeling that, like what she felt or experiencing what she felt or what she did have a living room with comfortable chairs and mothers who will just hold them. It's beautiful to be able to take that experience that was so painful and traumatic and be able to transform it into a career.

Absolutely. And just that the power of a hug, like the power of a hug is so important to the human system.   📍 It's, and it's important to everybody. Every single person deserves a hug. Something as simple as that. And now that, that your friend was able to make that into a whole community and be able to provide that all around, that's phenomenal.

Yeah. Something else that I like that all Loreen was talking about I wanted to pick out with as and this is something that really bothers me because it is so truthful, is when she got into the power, the money, the influencers, when she stuck out. Like those are the  📍 individuals who think, yep, I can get away with everything.

And we see that everywhere. We see that plastered everywhere and unfortunately. There's certain places that I've worked pre, like in my previous jobs, current jobs, what's what have you. We see that currently just because that they have the money in their accounts or they have the followers that they have, they think they can get away with the world.

That is one of the, my biggest pet peeves and something I shut down immediately when I see it. Yeah. No, honestly it is in every industry you're a hundred percent right. I don't know a woman who has not had a male boss who has used that money or that power or that dynamic to control them.

Yeah. And I know that we talked about this in the. In the opening and shared some personal experiences with this, but to make it political, look at our government right now and everything that's happening there. If a single other person came out and openly said, you just grab women by the pussy.

Wouldn't that have become a bigger issue? Like they have the potential to be in prison or in jail or convicted on that, and because of money, power, and influence, that person is currently in the most powerful position in our country. In our country, yes. And that's sick. But it's disgusting.

It's disgusting. And he grew up with money and he grew up with influence and he grew up with power because of his situation. And that with CEOs all the time. Even like the Coldplay concert guy, right? The CEO of, I don't remember. I keep wanna say anthropology. It's not, that's not anthropology.

It was some other company. He, he exercised his power. And he, he's not gonna get in trouble. He resigned. He didn't get fired. He resigned because he was embarrassed. Yes, exactly. And probably by the instruction of his divorce attorney so that his wife can't take everything from him.

So money, the power and the influence, especially in like workplace dynamics is a huge problem. And going off of that, specifically the power hunger and the power spot something that Arlene brought up and it really stuck out to me is that. Some of these women, they are working their jobs, paycheck to support themselves, to support their families.

And now they have this horrible thing happening to them, and they feel like there's nothing they can do, nothing they can do. Who do they go to, who advocates for them? It just, it's just, it's heartbreaking. She, her specific words were. That women are harassed by bosses. It can be really scary because of the control and they can control your pay.

They can control your complete income. That is absolutely terrifying. I have been very lucky not to have that in my life, but I couldn't even imagine having the stress of my job. And then you have the stress of your supervisor harassing you constantly and have nowhere to go. Yeah, it's just mind boggling.

The power dynamic is such a problem, right? Because a lot of people, I don't know the statistics here, but like most people in the United States currently are living paycheck to paycheck. They depend on that income to feed themselves and their families. Me too. Yep. And so if you have a boss who is harassing you, who is abusing you, who is, propositioning you, anything like that.

You have a choice to make. Feed my family or deal with it. And that's not really a fair, that's not a fair choice, but especially with the job market right now, how it is and like everyone complaining that no one wants to work, but how impossible it is to find a job. Like it's it's such a, how do I put a shitty position to be in?

I have to choose between my safety and feeding my children or feeding myself and having a roof over my head. I think. Things have changed and shifted since the Me Too movement in 2017, but not fast enough to my liking. Yes. All of these people, regardless of position, money, influence, or power should be held accountable for their actions.

Everyone needs to be held accountable if you're to put it blankly. If you're a piece of shit, you're a piece of shit, and you don't deserve to be in the position that you're in. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. Hey going off of that, like what if we jumped into advocacy really quick? Arlene really put, like something that I learned from her is like she didn't have that growing up.

And how is it that there's a good portion of humans out there that they don't have the advocacy growing up and stuff, and they turn their lives in such a negative way. To where Arlene was able to go through this horrible event, not have an advocate for her at all. Went through a deep depression, went through suicidal thoughts.

She wanted to take her own life because nobody was there for her. She didn't have anybody, but then she had the strength to be able to turn that and become the advocate for others, educated herself to make sure that this doesn't happen to others. That is just something extremely empowering and something that I look up to every single day.

I absolutely agree with you, taking that, that trauma and turning it into Triumph, which is the title of her book, fired up. Yep. Triumph from Trauma. I think that's such a, such an empowering and strong position, being an advocate, especially if it's something you've gone through, is there's nothing more fulfilling than that.

And I give her and the probably millions of other people who've done something similar, taken their trauma and turned it into their power or turned it into their career, their mission. I think that's such a beautiful, and strong, wonderful thing to do, right? It just creates a more empathetic and empowered strength strong community.

I can't get past empowered and strong. I need to find better words. Oh, those are perfect words. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate you. I loved, and I use this a lot, so when she was talking about. Documenting everything, right? So even going back to if you're in that position where you have to choose between feeding your family and keeping and standing up for yourself, the documentation aspect I thought was such an important key component because if you decide that you want to move forward and have a lawsuit or, go through those proceedings.

Documenting everything starting now. I tell that to everyone. Ever since this interview, I've been like, gung-ho, you're having a problem. Document it. Create your own. So something that I suggest is creating an email specific for that person, like to complain about them and sending emails to that email from wherever, whichever email doesn't matter.

Because it is timestamped, it's dated and you just put in the body of the email, any text messages, the scenario who was there, as much detail as you can, and then it's all in one place. So if you do go to court over it, or if you do need to escalate the complaint up to a higher up or a C level or HR or whatever, you have everything in one place.

I thought that was so brilliant and I love that. Absolutely. I agree with you 100%. And the other thing that a lot of individuals don't know, so let's just say they knew about documentation, but they didn't think about, oh my goodness, timestamps, right? Something that I would love for individuals to know, because I've learned about this recently and in the past.

If you are a documenting on, I prefer the email way. I just wanna be, make that very specific. Let's say you start in an Excel sheet or a Google Doc and you start documenting. The beautiful thing about technology this day is everything has a history tab and it takes you back to a date and a specific time it was reported.

That is something that I've had to use documentation. At some point, I didn't have the time and date stamps, but thankfully I have a very smart very smart, good friend who is Hey, don't forget that. You can look back at these as well, and I was like, oh my goodness. And we pulled all the timestamps, so this took a little bit more work.

So the email would be perfect, but documentation is always there. Don't ever feel as long as it's written down on some kind of technology as well, or if even if it's in a journal. But if it's written down, there's always a timestamp on everything. Yeah, I, it doesn't really matter which way you do it.

Exactly. If a Google Doc works for you, or, I tell even people to do like a notepad on their phone. Do something. Just have it somewhere. Save the text messages, save everything you can. Put it in one place so that you can access it when you need it. I actually had to do this when I worked for the military because I had a coworker who was sexually harassing me and stalking me through my phone.

It was crazy. And, I started screenshotting all of the text messages. I started time stamping and dating and writing little blurbs about what happened on each day, and like any interactions I had with him. And it was so much easier than when I did escalate it to the commander of the base.

I had everything in one place. I had 77 text messages I had. Like over a hundred emails to myself. I had all of these things and I didn't know to do that. That was just like, I need to write this down so that, I can clear it outta my head. And it really worked. Unfortunately the outcome of the scenario didn't work out for me, but it ended up like the person got counseled and, had that system not.

Been broken at that time, it would've benefited me way more. I wish there was like a happier ending to that story, but having the documentation made me so much more credible. So instead of me going and bumbling and fumbling, I had everything prepared and ready to go.   📍 documentation saved me from a harassment charge, which anyone who knows me, I don't harass anybody, but it is something I've never done in my life.

But it was with an ex where he was texting me nonstop. Like obviously we all thought it was good in butterflies in the beginning. Oh yeah. Happiness. And then fast forward, like to the end of it, he was actually still with his, ex-girlfriend who was before me, long story kind of thing, never actually broke up with them, but we thought they were, he was pardon me for saying in his butt, I don't care.

Very stupid, dumb as shit, because he thought that he could delete his text on his phone thinking that nothing would be there. Whereas on my phone, everything was still there, every single piece. So that was my documentation. So when the cops show up and say, Hey, what's going on? I'd be like. Oh, here you go.

And just the complete opposite it com. I was like, it was the opposite. Like it was, the harassment was on the other end of it to the point where I actually moved, I didn't technically move, but I went down to the outer banks with one of my good friends for three months just to get away. Just so like the kid would just stop showing up and stop texting.

But it was all because that documentation that it saved me from them trying to lie and flip it on me. That's crazy. I'm really glad that you had that and that technology doesn't delete from both ends. How stupid. But didn't say I dated the smartest people in the past. So it goes both ways, right?

So for anyone listening, if you are with someone or someone who might try and get you for harassment who might be harassing you and using that as like deflection or, trying to manipulate a situation, having that documentation. For you could protect you as well.

So it, it works at both ends, right? Either the being harassed to escalate it or the, protecting yourself from being accused of harassment. And I do wanna clarify that only two to 8% of reports are false reports. It does not happen often, and the two to 8% depends on the demographic.

So really and realistically. 92 to 98% of disclosures and reports are true reports. And I don't wanna discredit anyone who comes forward. But in the off chance you've been accused, like I was accused of verbal, what was it, verbal. Emotional abuse and financial exploitation of an elderly person, which was totally false.

I've never emotionally abused anybody in my life. But she was upset with a contract that she signed for publishing. And tried to get a lawsuit on me. And so I had everything documented. I had all of our meetings recorded, I had everything I needed all set aside in one folder on my computer. And as soon as that lawyer letter came through, I sent all of that and they dismissed it immediately because everything she said was bullshit.

And so it protects you on both ends. But yeah, I think we covered a lot like. Honestly, Irene's interview was incredible and she's such a strong advocate, and I a hundred percent recommend anyone who is, in this scenario or feels, like they just want that extra level of support or even just to understand if you wanna be an advocate or someone who went through something like this.

Fired Up is an amazing book. There's a chapter in it I really loved. Where is it? It's called The Body Remembers and it rem it reminded me a lot of the book, the Body Keeps the Score. If you have not read this book and you've experienced any sort of sexual abuse or physical abuse I recommend it, but know that it's very scientific.

And so it can be a little triggering fired up. It gives you a lot of the same content in that one chapter and it's. More trauma informed. So two great book recommendations from me.  📍 Is there anything else you wanna say about, the interview? The only thing that I like, which would be a great wrap up for us, to be honest, and I waited for this, is it's like a bit of a quote that she said that Arlene told us. She said that you were being the person that you needed growing up.

So through that, like you were being the person that you needed, you were being that strong person. And I think that resonated with me through so much because through all thick and thin, all the good and the bad, I was always proud of myself for being that person that I needed. Mostly good, but sometimes you need that a little bit.

And it's just going off with that I adapted or adopted my own phrase, which someone can probably say it stole from somewhere, but I've always gone off with every negative, there's always a positive and I know that's what gets me to thrive. And throughout the series with the healing with emotional abuse and talking with Marissa here, I know that's a phrase you'll hear from me a lot.

'cause it's something that it's my mantra. It's something I thrive off of. I love that. Thank you for sharing that. And I, Irene's information is all in the description of. The show notes or like the description of the episode. So feel free to reach out to her with any questions. And then if you'd like to connect with us any personal questions, relationship advice, you wanna share a story you can email us   📍  📍 at [email protected] .

It's a little long, little wordy. But hey, it's the nature of this beast.  Thank you very much for listening, and we'll see you next week. 

Meet the new co-host transforming your healing journey. Sami Litchert joins us to explore the relationships that matter—toxic relationship recovery, healthy relationship building, and the power of survivors sharing their stories.

If you're breaking free from emotional abuse, learning to set boundaries, or supporting someone on their healing path, this episode is a turning point. Together, we're creating a safe space where survivors are celebrated and empowered.

Join us as we dive into what healthy relationships look like and why your story—and your boundaries—are worth protecting.

Episode Transcript: 

https://marissafayecohen.com/healing-from-emotional-abuse-introducing-sami-litchert-boundaries-toxic-relationships-survivor-stories/

  📍  📍  📍  📍  📍 Welcome to Healing From Emotional Abuse, the award-winning podcast that sheds light on the journey from victim to survivor. I'm your host Marissa f Cohen, and I'm thrilled to have you join us on this empowering and healing adventure, the Healing from Emotional Abuse podcast. Isn't just another conversation.

It's a sanctuary for those who have endured abuse and are determined to reclaim their lives. Through interviews with inspiring survivors, experts, and advocates, we aim to break the silence surrounding abuse and empower our listeners with the knowledge. Support and resources they need to break free from their past.

Our mission is to provide a safe space where survivors can share their stories, find solace in knowing they're not alone, and discover the strength within themselves to heal and thrive. Each episode is filled with powerful narratives, practical strategies, and compassionate guidance to help you overcome the lingering effects of abuse and build a brighter future.

It brings me immense joy to announce that the Healing from Emotional Abuse Podcast has been honored with the prestigious Purple Ribbon Award for outstanding domestic violence podcasts by domestic shelters.org, recognizing our commitment to raising awareness about abuse. And offering hope to survivors worldwide.

We have hit top 10% globally and top podcast in 25 countries. This accolade is a testament to the incredible guests who have shared their stories and the tremendous support from our devoted listeners. Thank you so much. Whether you're a survivor seeking healing, a friend or family member wanting to understand and support, or an advocate dedicated to creating a safer world, this podcast is for you.

Our conversations delve into topics such as emotional, physical, financial, and psychological abuse, recovery techniques, self-care strategies. Legal rights and much, much more. Join us as we embark on this transformative journey together. Subscribe to healing from emotional abuse on your favorite podcast platform.

And remember, your story matters, and you have the power to break your silence from the chains of abuse. I'm your host. Marissa f Cohen, and this is healing from emotional abuse. Let's reclaim our lives and empower one another.   📍  📍 Welcome back to the Healing for Emotional Abuse Podcast. I'm your host Marissa, and I first wanna start off by apologizing. This podcast has been going for about five years actually five and a half now, but I took about a two year hiatus. Because I got really into speaking and was traveling all the time, became really hard to manage, and so the podcast fell by the wayside.

So for everyone listening, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to like completely desert you. I'm still here for you. I'm still an advocate and a survivor, and I'm still talking about relationships and abuse and sexual assault and trauma. Just on a different medium. But then I met through all this journey.

I met Sami.  And Sami is incredible. She's an advocate. She is like an outspoken supporter of survivors, and she has been really helpful to me along my speaking journey. Keeping me organized and just being like an incredible person. And we had a conversation a few weeks ago where we discussed her coming on to co-host the Healing from Emotional Abuse podcast, and I'm so excited to introduce you to our co-host of the Healing from Emotional Abuse Podcast.

Sami, welcome on Sami. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited. So tell us a little bit about yourself, like introduce, you know yourself to our listeners. Awesome. Yeah, so my name's Sami Licher, I started out with in higher education, worked through there. I don't really know where to go from that. I did my higher ed trips and then I took a step out and I worked in a leadership company for a few years, and that's where I actually met Marissa. That's where I then one thing led to another, and now I get to see her almost every week which is wonderful.

And now we're here helping out. Thank you so much, Sami. It's so nice to be able to do this with you and get to know you more. I know you pretty well I think, being able to like, introduce you to our listeners and so I would love to talk to you about relationships because the theme of this podcast is relationships. We talk about toxic and abusive relationships. I wanna focus on healthy relationships as well, and the trauma of like sexual violence and things like that. So first and foremost, you had a really exciting summer, right? It's August right now. You've had a very exciting summer.

Do you wanna maybe share your exciting summer news? I did have a great summer. So for everyone who's listening this past 4th of July Anton, who is my partner, has asked me to marry him, and I said, yes, of course. Yes. Really exciting. And I wanna say just it's just wonderful, to be honest.

It was an amazing opportunity to be able to actually have my own proposal 'cause I've always been there for other people's. And then for him to get down on one knee and then to make it just so heartfelt. We were camping. There was nobody around. And for anyone who knows me, I'm always surrounded by people whether I want to or not.

It was just the two of us. It was amazing. That's awesome. And Anton, I've met him a couple of times and he's wonderful and I'm so happy for you guys. So you can speak from a healthy relationship perspective because you have incredible communication. You guys respect each other so much and you're so supportive of each other and it's such a beautiful, thing to be able to see, like a situation, to be able to see from a third party outsider. Especially as a relationship person where my whole world revolves around talking about and experiencing and, hearing all these horrible relationship stories, it's so nice to be able to like truly see a really healthy and awesome relationship.

So give us a little bit of background about how y'all met and the last few years of your relationship. That I love talking about it is it's the fun fact that I almost gave up on dating, so I didn't have the best history of dating, but I wanna keep the positive going. Anton and I actually met on Facebook dating right when I was about to give up.

And the reason why I went to Facebook dating is I just felt like trying to date in, like in real life, unfortunately, just was not working out. I was too busy. I worked three jobs at the time. But the beautiful story is when Anton and I met, we we went out, we did like cute little coffee date. I have never met a more gentleman like person, and it's just like who he is.

He portrayed himself amazingly. Something that I, I have a lot of anxiety and whatnot, it took forever to get over when I went to go meet Anton. So the fact that I was extremely nervous, I know that I was tongue twisted, but the whole time he was just phenomenal.

And then it just grew from there. We have a lot of the ups and downs, but throughout all of our ups and downs over the past two years, which is my longest relationship and hopefully my forever relationship now it was just, it was phenomenal. I would say there's way more ups than downs and. The best thing that I noticed is every time that we had a little hiccup or a little bit of a down, our communication was phenomenal.

It didn't matter who was upset, what the situation was it could be silly, it could be serious. And everything that always comes down to is our communication piece. And even up to the day when I said yes, I absolutely do wanna marry you. It was funny because we had a really bad night right before that.

Unpacking was horrible. Our camp hosts were horrible, but Anton and I made it fun. The two of us didn't talk to each other the whole night when we unpacked, but it was out of love. We knew that everything was, you know what, this is a crappy situation, but it's still gonna be a fun time to to be together.

I didn't know he was gonna ask me to marry him, which makes it even better. I didn't expect this for another year and a half at least. So just yeah, everything in the past two years, there's been so many things. That's amazing. And I think it's really funny that the whole night beforehand you didn't talk.

He was probably so nervous to propose to you that because you guys didn't talk to each other. But I think that's amazing. You said something that sparked a, an interest for me. So you met on Facebook dating. I've only heard of a handful of people using Facebook dating. But from what I, from the people that.

I know that did, it was really successful for them. Have you tried other dating sites like that were bad or, had bad experiences with that? Do you wanna tell us a little bit about that? Oh, of course. I did Tinder. I stayed off it for the longest time and then I just said, you know what, heck with this and let's just go find what the guys are.

Don't do that ever. It's not the best advice. But it was, I'll say, nice to see that I found a good one out of all the bad patches. Another one I did was Bumble. I was only on that one for a little dating sites scared me a bit. I like the flirting part aspect of it, but that idea of talking to someone, I don't know, like what their face looks like.

For real, everyone can make something up. I always kept that in the back of my mind. Especially with dating online. I didn't really go through too many apps, but yeah it was definitely an experience and I know that's where majority of life takes us today is online dating, but I know that I was very careful when I did it too.

That was the other aspect. That makes sense. I think the statistic is close to 80% of people find their partner on some website or app like utilizing online dating now. Because I think similar to what you said, life is busy, right? You had three jobs, you had stuff to do outside of that.

You had pets, you had a life, and I think many people, especially. Right now can relate to that. Having to work more than one job or working crazy hours. And the idea of, and especially post COVID, the idea of going out has really. Been impacted and likes decreased. I was having a conversation yesterday with my family about how, you know now post COVID, I, it's so hard for me to peel myself off the couch at the end of the day and commit to going out.

I had to have a friend call me a couple days ago to invite us to go see a play tonight. Otherwise you wouldn't. I wouldn't leave. On a Saturday night, I'd just sit in my living room with Larry and we'd watch TV with the dogs until we fell asleep. I think that's so normal. So yeah the prospect of online dating is so much easier because you could do it from your couch, you could do it from your house.

There's no commitment, right? There's no consequence if you go meet someone who's crazy and like tries to murder you. I have an interesting story about that. If it's okay if I share. Absolutely. So a friend, a childhood friend of mine, I know I've known this kid probably since he was like four years old.

He met his wife through online dating. She is in America through a an au pair program. She's Brazilian. She came here for an au pair program and her friends were all on like those apps and they were just trying to meet people and make friends and, date around. Stuff like that. And so she matched with my friend, and when she came out to meet him the first time, she brought four of her girlfriends also all from Brazil, also all from this au pair program.

And at first they sat at the table with her to make sure that my friend wasn't crazy or like a lunatic. And then they move to another table, the four of them, and then let these two have their date. After the date he called me and he told me about it. And I was like, that's brilliant because if you were a crazy person, she's from Brazil, she has no family here.

And if you like, were crazy and a murderer, like a serial killer. All, she would have to, all you'd have to do, sorry, my mom just called me. All you would have to do is take her and bury her somewhere and no one would ever know where to find her or how to find her. Or even that she was missing, except obviously her host parents. In this day and age, like I think that layer of protection online dating and especially if you're meeting someone in person for the first time, having friends there, like I think all of that is so important. Absolutely. When I was in the dating process before meeting Anton one of my favorite thing was what?

She was one of my coworkers when I was still in higher ed, and that became one of my best friends. She's actually gonna be on my wedding as well. She was my texting girl. So I would text her and be like, Hey, I am going on a date. So something happens. Just say just call me and be like, Hey, there's an emergency happening.

You need to come back to campus. And we would do that. And it's funny because I utilized it, there was a couple dates that I went on and I was like, oh, this person's a little too much for me. And that was the best thing. So I would just text her the, it was the emoji.

Everyone knows this. The blue face emoji go. Yes, it was that emoji. So she got one of those. It was gimme a call as soon as you can. If there was three of 'em, she was showing up. I never sent three, so that was great, but I always sent that one emoji and that was our thing. Even to this day, we still talk about it.

But how many women, right? If you're listening to this, do you have a code word with your friends or like certain people that you share your location with when you're going on a date or when you're meeting someone new? That's a safety, like that's a safety blanket. I used to also have an SOS text.

It was pineapple. I know. I would text the word pineapple. And I'd get a call, Hey someone's sick and I need you to come home, or whatever. Yeah. Because it was a safety thing, she knew where I was and she knew how to get me out of it. So I think it's important, and I think a lot of women have that layer of protection, right?

It's even in movies and TV shows where. Do you want me to call you like my, the first movie that comes to mind is She's Outta Your League. Have you ever seen that? Yes. It's such a good movie. It's so good. But yeah, when she's on the date with Jay, whatever his name is, I don't remember, but when she's on the date, her assistant calls and she ignored it.

But that was like that layer of protection. I think it's crazy, but the dating world is so scary now. So you're out of it. And I'm out of it. But many of the listeners here are not out of it. So what we wanna focus on is what healthy relationships look like, red flags to look out for dating advice.

And we're gonna have a lot of guests come on and we have a lot of topics written down that like we really wanna cover to help with the dating advice and to help with identifying abusive unhealthy relationships. Previously on the podcast, 99% of the episodes were people sharing horror stories.

And I, as much as I think all that's very important, I think we need to talk about the positives as well. So not only do we know what to look out for on the bad side, but we know what to expect and build that standard on the good side. Absolutely. So a person like you who has also had terribly adverse experiences, which we can talk about if you want to.

What kind of advice do you have for our listeners if who are in the dating scene or looking to get into serious relationship? Yeah. Just don't just stop and don't go for the first person that's oh my goodness, let me get you flowers.

Let me take you here. Because that's it's the cliche part of that, like when it comes to. When it comes to like online dating and then protecting yourself, it's really weeding out the conversations, making sure you're, you are talking on the phone, like via texting, phone calls, FaceTimes, doing that before you meet up.

That was a big huge thing for me. I had plenty of people be like, Hey, do you wanna come over nine and just hang out? I'm like no thank you. And there's nothing wrong. And if that's that's what somebody is interested in, there's nothing wrong with that. It's just, it's more protecting yourself and who, where are you really going? I will say this in like the most respectful mindset. Like I've had a very down part in my life before too, and I was like, I just don't really care and I'll do whatever. Even in that mindset, I was like, okay. But I truly do care. So it's always making sure you keep yourself in check no matter where you are in your mental space, whether you're a very positive space or in a very negative space, maybe you just got broken up with, or maybe something just bad just happened and you're like, I'm gonna go on and I'm gonna scroll and I'm gonna swipe and just say yes to everybody.

Because people need to feel validated. They need that feeling sometimes, and even though it's a stranger validating you, because we know that, it's a potential dating situation. You get that validation right away. You get that exciting feeling. Now let's say, okay, I'm in this, I'm gonna go hang out with this person today.

You, you don't, there was no prep work for that, and I'm a huge believer in the prep work for online dating is extremely safety. And I'm not saying you have to go write a thesis before you go out on a date. What I'm saying is making sure as you brought up, as well, making sure someone knows your location, making sure they know where you're going on that date, and I would really highly recommend you meet each other there.

Don't let this random stranger come pick you up. That's just an anxiety inducing for you in the car as well. Now you're in this car where this person's literally has your life in your hands because they're your driver. Yeah, a hundred percent. Yeah, I think that's great advice on the first date.

Always meet there, right? That way you have a getaway vehicle if you need it, right? They don't know where you live. So that's a safety precaution. And then like you said, when somebody is driving you around, they're in control. They get to say where you're going and when. So even in Ubers right, or Lyfts or taxis, like that person is in control.

So just make sure you have in general safeguards in place. And it's so horrible to have to talk about life like that, like as women, the fact that we always need to be on guard. Because of our safety is such a horrendous societal norm. But how many people like growing up did your mom ever tell you always cover your drink?

Constantly, right?

Yes. Because it's a safety measure, right? It's something that our mothers learned while they were growing up and instilled in us. But did she ever say that to your brothers? Because women grow up different, right? We need to be on guard all the time. Men, not so much.

While it does happen to men, and I'm by no means saying that men don't get drugged and assaulted and that stuff doesn't happen, it absolutely happens to them, but. But it's not talked about as much and it doesn't happen as often. And so we grew up with a set of we're always needing to be on guard.

We always need to make sure we're safe. We need to have that layer or two or 12 of protections before we do anything. My mom has my location all the time. Does your mom have your location all the time? My mom does not have my brother's location all the time. Not because she doesn't love him as much because she's not as worried about him.

And yeah, so I think especially with dating, like having those layers of protection, having someone know where you are, having a code word, making sure that you're staying in touch with people, like all that stuff is really important and mostly specific to women. Yeah, so I think that level of safety that you were talking about, especially with online dating is super important.

Otherwise people go missing. I wanted to highlight something that you said as well. Sure. Going back to having do they have your location, your parents or your friend, that's something that I absolutely love and value. And on the other hand of that, something I see in this day all the time is the unhealthy location sharing as well.

So when people start dating they're only in this relationship for a week or two weeks, they're like, oh, share your location so I can see where you're at. If you're like five minutes away. I've seen that. I've never done it, thank goodness, but I've seen that and it gets so toxic and I don't wanna switch it to the toxic part, but that's something that's extremely important to remember because people are all like, we always have our phones.

We can pinpoint someone to be exactly where they are. Anton and I were about to get married in a few years and he still doesn't have my location and there's nothing against him and stuff. That's just not the couple that we are. But my mom and my sister and my brother, they will always have my location.

Now in my relationship, if Anton asked for it, I'd be like, oh yeah. Here

that's also where communication comes in and where we text each other every day after work, he'll be like, Hey babe, go into the gym. Or I'll be like, oh, cool, cool. Hey babe, I'm gonna be working a little bit late. That's where I think and I don't wanna spiral on location, but it's a lot that I see these days, especially in the college students that I'm around daily is, they're nonstop tracking each other. One of my RAs I, they, she showed me the a location thing. She had 30 people on her location do people not respect privacy anymore? I just wanna make sure that for the listeners yes, sharing a location's extremely important.

However, be very careful and choose wisely who it's shared with. I think that's really an interesting point because I agree, if you are in a new relationship and the person is pressuring you to share your location, that's a controlling behavior. Yes. And we don't wanna be controlled by our partner.

We don't want it to feel like we're being watched or spied on my husband, Larry always has my location because I'm always traveling, i'm only home three months a year. So sometimes he just genuinely does not know what. State I'm in. And so it's good for him to know, for my safety, but I gave that to him and I feel comfortable with that.

But if you're with a partner who is love bombing you, like you were saying, oh, here are flowers and gifts and I love you so much, and it's only been two weeks. I've never felt this way before. That's love bombing. That's setting up a bad standard. That's a standard for I love you so much.

I love you so much. I love you and respect you and now when I treat you badly, you're gonna go back to this and be able to justify my bad behavior. That's love bombing, so if they're asking you for your location after a week so that they can watch you and make sure they know where you are at all times and see who you're with, that could be very problematic,

that is a very toxic behavior. But only share your location with people that you feel safe and comfortable doing that with. You have your mom, your brother, and your sister, because it's a safety measure and you work about an hour away from where they live. So them knowing where you are and being able to say oh she's not usually over there, is everything okay?

It makes you feel secure. But if my mom has done that before, she has, so she'll check and I know that Life 360 specifically is very common. And like I think Apple with Apple Maps or something, or with Apple contacts or something, you can share your location. Yeah. And so I think, so Apple has it, and then the Life 360, that's what our family has because it's the Life 360 is the best.

Because you can do it between different phone types. And the cool thing with Life 360, you can also put a bubble on. So maybe I don't want my mom to know where I'm at for about three hours. You can put a little bubble on, just gives like the idea location that you're in.

But that's great and it's a great feature to have. So she can't track exactly where you are, but she knows the general vicinity. Yes. That's awesome. I've never used Life 360 but I've heard great things. I'm gonna reach out and see if they wanna sponsor this podcast. There you go. That would be wonderful.

That would be really cool. But yeah, so I think that's really good advice. Thank you, Sami. Of course. I'm trying to think what else can we talk about? I feel like over the course of the, the coming episodes, we're gonna get to know you way more. We're gonna get to talk to you and feel free to share anything that you feel comfortable sharing.

This is a very open, conversational podcast. That's why I enjoy doing this. It's basically just conversations with, people and friends and people in positions, and I'm. Generally a curious person and I really appreciate you being here.

Do you have any parting messages for your introduction to the podcast? Yeah, I just wanted to thank you, Marissa, for even allowing this for the listeners, I actually was talking to Marissa a few months ago and I said, Marissa, I love these podcasts that you do. What is going on? And then the one thing led after another.

And that's how I got into here and something that I wanna say is I'm extremely grateful for you. I know that's not what the podcast is about, to give all the gratitude to the host, but just even the fact that you allowed me to come on here to take the time to allow to do podcasts, allow me to co-host this with you.

It's just the stuff that you do, the message that you send is something that I value and I really incorporate into my life and a day-to-day thing. And you helped. Me stay in a healthy relationship. There's things that you don't know that you do as Marissa that just makes me so happy and so excited.

So the fact that I'm even able to do a podcast with you and help out, reach out to lives of others and just help one person is already such an honor. So thank you. That was really sweet. Thank you so much for saying that. I'm honored to have you here and I love your energy and everything that you give, and I'm really excited.

And then future episodes are gonna be a lot of fun with you. Stay tuned in listeners. We have way more to share. Like I said, a whole list of things that we're gonna talk about and look out for our weekly episodes. Sami, we should start an email address specifically for the podcast.

So if any listeners want relationship advice or have any questions for either of us and things that we can talk about, or wanna come on as a guest, you can send an email. We'll put that in the description of this episode and thank you guys for tuning in, everyone, and we will talk to you next week. 

Campus Sexual Assault Survivor Speaks Out: How the Legal System Failed Her The Truth About College Sexual Assault Cases: A Survivor’s Fight for Justice Survivor vs. The System: When the Legal Process Fails Sexual Assault Victims Sexual Assault on Campus: One Survivor’s Legal Battle and Road to Healing Why the Justice System Fails Sexual Assault Survivors—A College Student’s Story

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