Hello Hayes

See you next year, Hayeselnuts!

Hello Hayes survey: https://forms.gle/Jtv2BKr2Wafy75gh6

In the meantime, connect with me on Substack, YouTube, and Instagram.

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In this episode of Hello Hayes, we're talking about long distance friendship: how to make friends when you move somewhere new, but also, how to maintain the friendships that are now separated by miles and miles and miles. Hayes invites one of her North Star besties Matt onto the show to discuss.

References:

Dear Noah: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfAzhnguXBc

00:00 Cold open

00:42 Topic intro: Long-distance Friendships

2:23 Meet Matt

4:43 Our first impressions of each other

10:03 Be each other’s biggest fans

12:14 Making friends in a new city

16:43 Scoping people out on Instagram

18:25 The risk of rejection

21:50 How to go from self-pity to action 

23:30 20s vs 30s & NYC vs Chicago 

24:53 “Do I want to quit?”

26:26 Nostalgia vs regret

28:17 It’s OK to be sad

31:53 Hayes and NYC

33:07 Getting honest about our LDF 

35:40 “Is it my fault?”

36:25 Having trust in your friendships

38:00 Inside Out 2

40:10 What happened on Hayes’s birthday

43:00 The challenges of long distance friendship

47:00 It’s hard to say THIS

48:11 Feeling pressure to check-in

50:00 Team Voicemails 

54:00 A secret

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[Watch on YouTube.] This week on Hello Hayes, we're talking about flaky friends. Hayes answers three advice submissions about a distant childhood friend, feeling disconnected from your single besties, and how to deal with someone who always cancels.

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(Watch on YouTube.) This week on Hello Hayes, I'm answering an advice letter....from myself. After experiencing what I call a "grief explosion" last week, I needed to give myself some advice. Thanks for being here while I talk it out with you. Crying is OK. Grieving is OK. Trying new things is OK. Planning to protect yourself...is OK!!! Please let me know what you thought of this episode. If it goes well for all of us, I might incorporate more of these "solo" episodes in the future.

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Content warning: Letter 2 includes a brief reference to SA, no details. It’s not the focus of the letter, but I do bring up the context of being a survivor. If this makes you uncomfortable, see the timestamps below to skip.

This week on Hello Hayes, Hayes answers three advice submissions about how to balance two people's physical needs in a romantic relationship, advocating for our needs and fantasies in bed, and whether it's okay to talk to your friends about your sex life. (PS: If you have any personal experiences to share about asexuality, polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, and/or open relationships, please tell us in the comments! This is a very nuanced conversation and I realize I'm just scratching a surface in the first letter. Would love to hear from all of you and keep the convo going.)

00:00 Introduction

00:36 Talking about sex

02:44 “What will make us satisfied?”

07:51 What is asexuality?

10:17 Compromise is necessary

13:49 Define intimacy as a couple

18:39 Ethical non-monogamy

26:45 “I want more adventurous $ex"

29:06 Speaking up for what you want

31:16 Unpacking expectations

33:57 Taking the lead & communicating

38:13 Contextualizing being a survivor

40:52 When to bring it up

43:21 “Can I talk to a friend about my relationship?”

44:31 Sharing experiences individually

49:18 Trust in a confidant

51:14 Proceed with caution

The Trevor Project is a great source of information and support for the LGBTQ+ community. Website here: https://www.thetrevorproject.org

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[Watch on YouTube.]

In this episode, Hayes answers three letters from women who feel like they (and their feelings, boundaries, and bodies) are too much. We explore the question: is it selfish...or is it self-worth? Letter one features a man who insists on being besties with his exes. Letter two, from someone whose boyfriend told her he's losing attraction towards her because of her weight gain. (If you're uncomfortable with the topic of weight, feel free to skip to letter 2. Timestamp in the description!) And letter three is from a soon-to-be 21-year old whose boyfriend...doesn't "get" birthdays. Enjoy!

00:00 Introduction

00:25 The question of being “too much”

02:55 Overview of the 3 letters

03:56 Empathy and expectations for letter writers 

06:54 Letter 1: “Not so chill girlfriend” 

 09:06 Having a reaction making you “not chill” 

11:12 Unpacking the boyfriend details 

17:32 Insecurities vs something to be insecure about 

28:56 Letter 2: “Body size and attraction” 

29:54 Angry about perceptions of weight 

31:36 You are desirable 

35:57 Coming back with better tools 

37:50 Referencing “Fatphobia Is Not A Sexual Preference by Sonalee Rashatwar”

39:44 Reality of body changes 

42:33 Sample script 

44:55 Letter 3: “Birthday ‘brat’” 

46:51 Being celebrated & celebrating others 

49:26 Expectations and flexibility 

52:14 Storytime when my birthday was ruined by a man 

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In this episode, Hayes is joined by recipe developer, food creator, and soon to be debut cookbook author Justine Doiron, aka Justine Snacks. For the first time on the show, Justine brings her own Hello Hayes letter to discuss with Hayes, focused on some of the pressures she feels around the success and promotion for her cookbook Justine Cooks. We also talk about dealing with imposter syndrome in our careers, what happens when self-worth is too tied up in accomplishment, and whether "authenticity" on the internet is desired or even real anymore. At the end, Justine gives Hayes some tough-love advice she really needed to hear. Enjoy!

Pre-order Justine's cookbook Justine Cooks here (Out 10/27).

Follow Justine on Instagram here.

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Hello! In today's episode, which is an audio exclusive, I'm reading three columns from the Hello Hayes archive...a read aloud, if you will!

These pieces can all be read in their original form on my Substack, hellohayes.substack.com. This is where my writing lives and where you can support Hello Hayes financially, if you're able. Paid subscribers get a priority pass on submissions!

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In today’s episode we’re talking about something that has one of the biggest impacts on our mental well-being, whether we’re happy or distressed….and that’s our living situations. Thinking back on my own life, some of the most tumultuous times for me were exacerbated by the fact that I was living in places I didn’t feel comfortable in. Whether it was living in my sorority, or trying to figure out how to live alone for the first time, wanting to move in with Brian. Stressful. 

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In honor of our anniversary, Brob joins the pod to talk about 10 lessons we've learned over 10 years together. He's a little camera shy but I think he did great :)

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