Hello Hayes

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Today’s episode is all about the thrilling yet sometimes messy and confusing world of crushes. We’ve got three letters:

Send your letters to [email protected].

0:00 What to expect in this video

00:47 This week’s letters 

1:22 Letter 1: “Can I be friends with my crush?”

2:50 Response to Letter 1 begins 

4:43 How we use B&W thinking to protect ourselves

9:00 Failure is not regression 

12:21 Script: “We can’t be friends” 

13:02 Letter 2: “I’m in love with my co-worker”

14:45 Response to Letter 2 begins

15:55 What’s spiking my Hayesy senses 

18:30 Stop hoping he’s going to change

 20:59 Finding the love you deserve

21:31 Letter 3: “I’m not sure I want to marry my fiance” 

22:43 Response begins 

24:45 Pros of couple therapy 

25:41 Hayes’s thoughts on “forever”

27:25 “Relationships are hard”

28:00 What your crush means

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What do you do when you're invited to an event with a plus one...but you have no one to bring? Is it better to go alone or to bring a friend? On this week’s episode of the Hello Hayes podcast we’re chatting going to events solo, finding confidence in yourself, and doing the hard thing because you can. I also share the story of how I embarrassed myself in front of my work hero a couple of weeks ago...and how I'm reframing it so I don't obsess about this any further!

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0:00 - Introduction

1:04 - Overview of the 3 letters

1:46 - Letter 1: Estranged from family

3:50 - Response to letter 1 begins 

5:02 - Why certain phrases trigger us

7:12 - What I’ve noticed making an internet advice column

9:37 - Ideas for the future

12:03 - Why it doesn’t feel sustainable to bite your tongue

16:05 - Being honest about your reaction

17:33 - Letter 2: Don’t like best friend’s boyfriend

19:02 - Response to letter 2 begins

20:30 - The lost dream of being “couple friends”

22:56 - When your friend gets cheated on

24:31 - Reflection questions when you don’t like your friend’s bf/gf

28:24 - Do this for your friend

29:28 - Letter 3: Your BFF is always in and out of relationships 

30:30 - Response to letter 3 begins

31:00 - Having self-awareness

31:51 - Inserting ourselves into other people’s problems 

32:30 - Breaking our own patterns

33:43 - Having a tough conversation 

35:26 - Getting clear on YOUR terms 

39:00 - Exclusive question for Hayeselnuts

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1:11 - Letter 1: “My friends are slut shaming me”

4:42 - Don’t call it a “hoe phase”

8:47 - Apologizing when you didn’t do anything wrong

10:37 - Should a man be ready to marry you after 1 year?

15:16- The 4 questions to ask before confronting someone

17:00 - Letter 2: “My sister makes me feel bad about my body”

19:00 - Sibling dynamics

20:32 - Pick your battles

22:24 - The pros/cons of sarcasm

23:30 - An earnest conversation (add HALEY CONVO HERE)

26:30 - If they never stops bullying you

28:25 - Letter 3: “My friend thinks I’m more privileged than I am” 

30:00 - Confronting our pleasure

32:30 - Intersectionality matters

33:40 - You still have a right to your pain

34:43 - Knowing your audience 

36:30 - The friend’s comments

37:41 - The question you should always remember

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What do you do when your best friend's live in a different city than you and are always posting about how close they are? What about if most of your bridesmaids don't post pictures from your wedding, even though you posted pictures from theirs? How do you talk to a friend (who is also an influencer) who's always posting stuff on social media when you're together? In this week's episode of Hello Hayes, we're talking about social media, jealousy, and friendship.

Send your letters to [email protected] mwah

0:00 - Overview of the three letters

2:33 - Letter 1: My BFFs always post each other

3:30 - How feeling lonely impacts our life

5:26 - Feelings are different than reality

6:56 - What IS the reality in this situation?

13:33 - How do we stop feeling left out?

15:33 - How to handle this moving forward

17:13 - Should you tell them how you feel?

20:30 - Letter 2: Bridesmaids didn’t post about my wedding

23:42 - The case for practicing restraint

25:50 - Is a wedding an achievement?

27:48 - Feeling inadequate

28:00 - A reframe to help

29:55 - Speaking your truth

32:00 - Letter 3: OG bestie is an influencer

34:10 - Am I (Hayes) an influencer?

35:00 - Showing empathy for your friend

37:23 - Reflection question to ask yourself

38:00 - How to talk to her in the moment

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On today's episode I'm joined by writer and fellow internet advice giver, Haley Jakobson. When I teased this episode on insta stories a couple of weeks ago, saying “the guest wrote a book on friendship breakups,” dozens of you guessed it would be Haley, and alas, you were right!!! Haley is the author of OLD ENOUGH, a novel that explores, yes, friendship breakups, but also queerness and bisexuality and being a survivor and growing up and away from who we in the Hello Hayes universe call an OG bestie. As I shared with Haley in our 1hr+ conversation, her depiction of friendship explosions were so vivid and familiar that I felt physically uncomfortable while reading. The novel can be heavy but in the safe and skilled hands of a writer like Haley, I felt held the entire time. OLD ENOUGH has the full weight of a Hello Hayes book recommendation!

Our conversation covers what we’ve learned about ourselves as writers, why friendship break-ups are so painful, a Hello Hayes (and Haley) question about having a crush on a coworker while you’re in a relationship, and so much more. I cry at one point, obviously.

0:00 - Who is Haley Jakobson?

4:20 - Selling her first book

8:00 - Stepping in front of the lens

10:30 - Writing about pain

13:23 - Our love of book "Acknowledgments" sections

14:00 - Earnestness is underrated

15:30 - A hate comment that I still think about

19:00 - Friendship break-ups

19:30 - Vow of celibacy from best friendship

25:18 - What does the patriarchy have to do with it?

32:00 - Why Hayes admires Haley & unexpected tears

35:42 - On not being an "Emily Henry" type of writer

37:00 - The duality of Haley & the creation process

41:45 - The worst question aspiring writers ask

43:00 - What Hayes has learned about herself as a writer

45:30 - "Creative foreplay"

45:00 - Spontaneous vs responsive desire

49:23 - Writing sex scenes

53:00 - Hello Hayes letter

1:05:44 - The story behind the title OLD ENOUGH

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Travel and friendship can be complicated, especially when it comes to group dynamics and exclusion. In this week's Hello Hayes, we're talking about how to navigate the complexities of travel and friendship.

0:00 - Introduction

4:28 - Overview of the 3 letters

5:48 - Letter 1: “My OG besties went on a trip without me”

8:21 - My personal experience getting “excluded”

10:30 - Why it hurts to fall out of touch with

12:10 - How to handle the situation

15:00 - Should you ask: Why wasn’t I invited?

15:58 - What to say instead

16:40 - Feeling like everyone’s talking about you

18:14 - Letter 2: “How do we tell someone why they were excluded?”

19:25 - The problem with exclusion

20:03 - Tough love

22:52 - The responsibility of being in a friend group

23:50 - What to do in the future

26:10 - Why this isn’t about “boundaries”

27:44 - Why I chose this letter

28: 27 - Letter 3: “My friend won’t stop texting her boyfriend on vacation”

30:00 - Why I don’t watch TV with friends

31:25 - From WTF to compassion

36:25 - Script 1

39:00 - Communication tip: “Keep it consistent”

39:50 - Script 2

43:45 - On being “jealous”

45:45 - Hayes’s phone etiquette rules

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[Watch on YouTube]

I'm back to reading three letters today! Yay! This week's episode is wedding-themed, but I promise the details in each letter are relevant even if you're not engaged yourself.

👋 SAY HI 👋

You can find me on Instagram here (behind the scenes, personal storytelling).

On YouTube here (longform and mini video advice columns).

On Substack here (my writing and exclusive announcements).

👋 SUBMIT AN ADVICE LETTER 👋

Send your letters to Hayes at hellohayesadvice at gmail dot com

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I'm not a fan of reading my published writing months/years after it's been published, but I'm making an exception today. In this week's episode, I'm reading the first ever Hello Hayes column I ever wrote. Thanks for being here with me.

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Live from the east coast! This week I'm telling you about a lesson I learned on my recent flight from LAX to Boston (thx for teaching it, Brob). While this experience didn't cure my turbulence-related anxiety completely, it's getting me a little closer...and is also helping me reframe some other challenges in life. xx Hayes

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