When I look back at my attached relationships, almost everything I did was from a place of teaching. Since I never felt I had value or deserved a healthy relationship, I overcompensated by putting myself in a position of power and superiority (though I never would have admitted it). Whenever my man acted in a way I didn’t like, I’d teach him the “right way” and punish him by ignoring him or explaining what he needed to change. The message was clear: Act right and treat me properly or suffer! Yep, I was that person. I wish I could say I was focusing on my own growth and well-being back then (these were all perfect opportunities for that), but it was more about HIM and correcting his perceived shortcomings. I definitely wasn’t looking in the mirror. I didn’t know there was a difference in showing him how to treat me by embodying those values and treating myself that way vs. chastising his cluelessness.

If I say I want my partner to be kind, I have to practice kindness with myself. It’s a completely different focus than being stuck in attachment where what we want and what we believe we can have are miles apart. Instead of working on ourselves, we try to bridge that gap by teaching the other person… which always fails miserably. Learn how to shift that focus inward and stop playing teacher. You won’t believe the emotional freedom that results.