In attached relationships where you seek attention, you may actually be creating tension. Tension is a dramatic feeling—looking for what’s wrong, being pulled in a particular direction, intense chemistry, etc. Tension is fleeting, meaning if you use it to get attention, it won’t last. Genuine attention is given without pulling on it; without an attachment to the outcome. You don’t have to do anything to get it; simply being yourself and breathing is enough. Doesn’t that sound a lot easier and less dramatic? In a healthy relationship you don’t have to jump through hoops to get someone to pay attention to you.

This sort of tension happens all the time in attached relationships. Let’s say you’re living with someone. You cook dinner and clean up after, yet your partner doesn’t acknowledge the work you’ve done. You’re tense and anxious because you have an expectation: attention in the form of appreciation. When it doesn’t come you feel angry and depleted. Or if someone does something nice for you and you don’t feel you deserve it, you’ll create tension by arguing, distancing, playing games, etc. You can’t accept genuine attention so you create tension to make sure you’ve worked hard to earn it.

What underlies this need to create tension is a feeling of undeserving. You don’t believe you’re lovable, worthy, good enough, etc. so it’s uncomfortable to accept any form of attention without creating obstacles to climb over. If you’re in a relationship where you feel you need to prove something, ask why you deserve to suffer. What is so horrible about you that you can’t just be? Each time you perform for attention you feed your lack of value. To break the cycle and actually BUILD your value, stop any action you’re doing to create tension. Stop the performing. Stop the drama. Take care of your own needs and sit with the discomfort of receiving attention simply for being you.